Tuesday, May 5, 2009

GuestEssay: Letters coughSTALKINGcough to Rob

Alright Ficsters - WE HAVE THE ROB LETTERS! Yes, the fantastic cdunbar has compilated the list, checked it twice and here we are welcoming ROB to Fandom!

Intro by cdunbar...

An insert from the email that started it all:

'Rob is reading fanfic? I guess it’s only natural since SM's world is heavily rooted in the fanfic-type writing, with her own outtakes, MS, etc. Your comments on Rob's possible fic choices gave me an idea. Since you all have decided to help newbies with a resource center, I think that some of your circle of authors should help Rob out as well. How about a welcome letter, or a disclaimer, if you will. Just to help the boy out. I, for one, would LOVE to read any advice that some of the authors might choose to give. It could very well be the funniest thing to read yet. -jvegas'

From there, I loved the idea so much that I massively emailed every person I could think of to include in on this and they emailed people and then it was posted on TLYDF... and it kind of grew until this came out.

Some are cute, some funny, some dirty (heh, you knew that was coming), and some encouraging. But I think the important thing to remember is this: Rob could very well read this. Hell, he could be reading this right now.

Thank you to everyone who participated and took the time to write something.

Now, without further ado... Rob, here's your collection of letters.


Rob...all we really want is to share a moment with you, drink some snapple and microwave a hotpocket or two...that is all. Really.


Dear Rob;

As I sit back and watch hundreds of Little Ashes clips over and over (particularly the one where you are in flagrante delicto with your other male cohort), I find myself imagining you with that snazzy mustache sitting in a leather chair smoking whatever brand of cig you favor perusing multiple sheaves of paper. On these pieces of paper there are multiple words of type – some say Rob, some say Edward. Either way, you can't find it in yourself to let them go. It's okay. I understand. The egoist and masochist in you won't allow it. Your vanity is stroked, your sense of humor is charmed and your ire may raise -- but hopefully not too much. Tomstu lurks around and reads your castoffs, continuously disappointed that he only features in a fraction of the material, but no worries, he shines because you do and with that, he has formed an albeit smaller, but devout cult following. He is the Kill Bill to your Pulp Fiction.

No, these are not scripts you are reading. These are what we call Fan Fiction. I understand you are new to this and I suspect you may be timid at the very least, but please, don't be scared. We have fancy monikers in our fandoms such as RPF, Au, AU-Human, Canon etc etc...but those things matter not. What matters is that you are the star. This my seem odd to your shall I say quirky sense of the world, but no amount of verbal diarrhea you could spit would change the fact of our matters. Actually, we count on it.

The facts are these:
1. To quote a post I once saw: "Your hair is win at life."
2. The moody musician thing only adds to your appeal.
3. You said yes to playing a sparkly vampire Adonis worshiped by thousands of tweens and bastardized by more than a few mature women.
4. Anything that could be accused as pervy on our part should be analyzed properly. You call your chest hairs pubes and consistently say little numbers about buddhas and such -- well anything we might say (or make your nubile libido do) should be referenced directly back to you as it is YOU who have lead us down this path. Shame on you.
5. You know you love what we make you do.

So in light of this, spare us your self-flagellation (unless you'd like us to base a flangst fic around it) and come show that purdy little face of yours at this welcome soirée we are hosting in your honor. We could all use a decent jawgasm.

With the Utmost Regard For Your Person,


Fanfiction offerings are like Hot Pockets. The more goopy cheese oozing out of it, the better you will enjoy it. Don't try to watch your literary weight with these suckers, enjoy the empty calories shamelessly. My husband by the way, looks like you--at least his eyebrows do. Sometimes when he's droning on and on about crap I don't care about, I scrunch my eyes so that the only thing in my field of vision are his eyebrows. And everything's going great, pretending Robert's eyebrows are talking to me, but then I mess it all up by winking and calling him Robert. He totally hates you.

Love, Halojones

Hiya Rob,

Just a few things I feel you might want to know about fanfiction and the Twilight fandom.

1. Be a snob.
There is so much bad fiction out there. Only associate with the best. Get your recommendations from the blog dedicated to really good fiction, The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster.

You will find great recommendations, and links to many high quality reputable fanfic portals. If you have questions, you can either find your answers by spelunking in the blog, or the wonderful admins actually answer questions. They were very patient and friendly with my noobie questions.

2. Our Fervent Hope:
I have read that you wanted to play Edward as bi-polar. I so wish you could have.

A LOT of us think that Edward is darker than portrayed in Stephanie's books. If you were to let some of the fanfiction Edward portrayals squeeze it into YOUR portrayal, many of us not so stalkerish fans will be forever in your debt.

Try these stories to get a bit of what I mean: In the Blink of an Eye and Irritable Grizzly Adams

Both of these stories are still Edward as a Vampire, but they explore what Steph did not. How time affects the Vampires. How the family can't be THAT cohesive. The mistakes both Edward and Bella made, and how they manifested themselves.

3. Never Fear, it isn't what you think it is.
You will see the word Squee bandied about when we are excited about something. It is not the frightening shriek of women and girls, haunting you at what seems to be at every move you make. (Dude, I feel bad about that. I would love to meet you, but just the thought of invading your privacy makes me feel dirty.)

It is the inner 10 year old who just opened the most amazing unexpected gift. (Quite often accompanied by excited little claps in front of face.) Squee is the sound of pure joy, mostly innocent... ;-)

4. For the Record.
The reason why we are so excited that you read the fanfiction is because you care about the character as much as we do. You demonstrating that you are curious to see where other people take this wonderful man/vamp named Edward.

Ya, it is hot to know you read the smut, but hey it is hot to know ANY man reads it. So far as I am concerned, any smart man would...This is women writing out what they would love to have done to them. Period. Duh...

Welcome to the fandom.
We love that you are here.
All the best.

Anne Shirley-Cullen.

PS - Not all of us read the Rob fics...That shit is a bit too creepy and invasive for my taste. So if YOU read it, don't tell the girl you are trying to get with...guaranteed eeeuuuwwwe ick factor 10, Capitan...

I hope you find stories that won't make you cringe too much. The members of this fandom are absolutely amazing. As a reader, I have come across some of the most amazingly written stories and I hope that you get an opportunity to read some as well. Don't forget to review so they know you visited and liked what you saw!

Alissa from Trinidad and Tobago

After sitting in a car for four hours, listening to my sisters snoring and my mom singing rather off key to the radio, and then waiting in a line on the New York streets for over 6 hours you think a girl would get a bite on her neck! Just a picture, nothing much, just a nibble, but neh, instead she was talked about all over the world as a 7 year old! It's alright though, you’re forgiven if you check out my really short story about Edward and Bella. Hope you like and don't forget to leave a review!

~Heavens Immortal

P.S. - I'm 14 and I really am the girl from the Apple store in New York. :)

Dear Rob, you may not remember me but you'll remember my daughter (Ally -- above). She is the 14 year old that asked you to bite her at the Apple store in NY! She was not offended that you said she was 7, she found it quite humorous and said it was evident you didn't have nieces or nephews! Her sister (Sarah) was a little miffed that she asked the question and was so ceremoniously booted out of the way by her older sister, who by the way promised a kidney or any other needed body organ if she actually asked the question and got the pic.

I wanted to thank you for just being so down to earth and real. Hollywood tends to jade a person and I hope you can avoid that. You seemed like a really nice person and I'm glad my girls were able to meet you.

Now, we've recently read that you in fact do read fanfiction. Having read hundreds of stories I can tell you the talent (and lack there of) on the site is endless. There are so very many worth reading and heck I believe there are actually some with you starring as yourself! I do encourage you to create a name and leave reviews though; it's wonderful as a writer to get feedback even if you do not know the person behind the screen name.

My daughter says since you told the world she was 7 and they then thought her parents were terrible for letting a 7 year old ask some strange man to bite her you should take one for the team and read her fic. It's called 'Not Her' and her screen name is Heavens Immortal. She'd like to add that if you left a review all would be forgiven and life would be right again!

She's also like me to add that she didn't really want you to so much bite her but just get a picture of you acting like you were going to bite her. But she was flustered and all that came out was "will you bite me." She'd also like to thank you because she is recognized as a star on a lot of the sites now since she has the pictures to prove her close proximity to you and the iPod cast where you laugh at her. No harm no foul!

Congratulations on your success and I hope your fortune continues. Please stay real, don't let yourself become jaded, keep flashing that amazing smile.

Oh, and I'd love you a whole lot more if you said "hi" to Kellan for me...just because, well, I adore him!

Good luck on the next few movies! I'll be going to Boston to see 'How To Be' next week, I can't wait.


Tammy Nuccio (tnuccio on fanfic)

P.S. I absolutely love your music. I have every (illegal) download I've found. And just a piece of advice, this is an area where I think if you pursued it you would get away from the teen fandom and into a more mature audience. Your singing / playing is very deep and emotional, not a lot of youth can understand or process that type of music. You could find your own niche away from the Twilight base here. Just a suggestion, and a selfish one at that, because I would buy every album, and love them!

Ally asking Rob her question

Ally with Rob, right after asking him to bite her

Sarah and Ally with Rob

Dear Rob,

You don't know what you did to all of us "fanfictioners" when you mentioned you've read some of our stuff. We were ecstatic beyond words. If you only knew how much time and energy goes into these stories. We research, read, investigate different genres of music, study poetry and so much more. We do all of this because we love you so much. Not just Edward, as you have mentioned in the past; we love Rob Pattinson, too.

We would love to request something from you if we could be so bold...if you read a fanfiction story, and you like it, or just think it's well written...could you send us a review? Reviews are basically the reason we do this. It would mean so much to all of us if you could send a kind word our way.

We all appreciate the normal guy you seem to be and I hope you never change!

Much love...


Welcome to the fandom, Rob!

Now I know at first glance, the fandom can be very daunting. It's hard to tell which universe, genre, or pairing you prefer. All I can say is explore your options and find your niche. And of course if you feel homesick or want some guidance, I'm in London until the end of May, so come find me. We'll have coffee. Or whisky. Whichever you prefer.

Rachel a.k.a. americnxidiot

Dearest Rob,

I hope that you are enjoying Twilighted, because really, where else are you going to go for 'well written,' 'hard core' Twilight fanfiction? That is sort of our specialty, so I know that when you made that comment, it was really a nod to us. :) Thanks, we appreciate it, and we welcome you with open arms (a few of the Twilighted ladies may also have other...things...open in welcome, but somehow I think you will understand, given what we write over here).

Much Love,

Twilighted Owner/Administrator

Querido Rob,

I want you to know that not all of us are Dirty Old Women. Some of us are not that Old.

Yes, fanfic is slightly weird and it makes you wonder why we don't do it for real and get some money out of the whole experience. But think about it this way, if you had to pick a script that had uterus biting and one that had a nice normal scheduled c-section while hippie music played in the background. Which one would you rather film?

Keep up the good work, but please sparkle better on New Moon, ok?


I_Love_Twilight_but_I_won't_stalk_you_cuz_you're_too_young_for_me (aka Gustriana)

Mr. Pattinson-

Once again I'm going to have to politely ask you to stop harassing me. This has gone on long enough. The love letters, the pictures of you scantily clad while on set and most recently the extremely inappropriate videos? I am impressed at your ability to do naked yoga but having a 45 minute demonstration set to Sting's greatest hits is too much even for me to handle. Now, while I do agree that you and I would make a fantastic couple, my heart belongs to Peter Facinelli.

In all seriousness though, I hope that someday you visit Twilighted and see the 40,000 members that are astoundingly talented and write exceptionally well done fiction...and some real life stories too. (I Love L.A.)

P.S. While you're trolling the internet if you feel like a good laugh, feel free to pop on over to the The Perv Pack Smut Shack, a blog devoted to the best of the Twilight fandom smuttacularly debaucherous fics.

Nina aka Ninapolitan
Smutterific Humorist

Dear Rob,

"Language isn't the only thing I french."

Tu amoureuse,

Le Jen

To My Favorite Brit,

You like it hardcore and well written? That's good, cuz that's how we roll.

How to best be introduced to fanfic...well, that's tough. There are amazing stories out there, and sometimes it can be a little hard to find them. If you need some kind of personal guide, well then I am happy to show you. It might be a little chilly on the journey, I may need to borrow your pea coat.

Do you like it sweet or smutty? Smutty sweet or up against the wall in the first chapter? Come on, don't be shy, we'll find you something sized just right. ahem...

There is a fic for everyone out there, and in all seriousness, these writers pour their blood and guts and hearts and souls out onto these pages. It is truly amazing the quality of work that goes into some of these stories, and if that is the only way that we can all get our dose of Cullen until the next movie? Well then we will happily eat it all up. And lick the spoon...

And speaking of licking...well, we will save that for another day.

Is it wrong by the way that I want you to whisper words like crumpets and knickers into my ear? Yes? Well, moving on...

And yes, definitely check out the Smut Shack, it is inspirational to say the least.

So porn on my good man, my very good man, and enjoy the work that has been written. And stop by for a chat any ol’ time you like...we will make sure you have a good time...

Alice aka feathers_mmmm

Dear Rob,

Thank you for not only reading Twilight fanfic, but also for mentioning it in an interview. It makes me smile to think of you being a part of something that I love. Your humility really shines through your interviews, etc. I have so much respect for you as I have watched you go from being fairly unknown to being very well known, the way you have handled it has been amazing. I know for a fact that when that GQ article came out all of us in the fanfic world were so excited and maybe a little scared that you have read some stories. There are really a lot of talented writers devoting a lot of time and effort to Twilight fanfic. I am just a reader, so I appreciate them all so much. It means a lot for you to recognize them.

Annie from California


In closing, we love you. We love that you read fanfiction. We like to fantasize that you read our particular story or a story about yourself and then you were forced to have an afternoon delight while you imagined what you just read (and WHY IS THAT SO HOT??).

*ahem* Sorry about that. Anyway, what I was saying was, I think you reading fanfic is awesome. Especially if what you read somehow changes your opinion on how Edward should act or look. Since you’re currently filming New Moon, I recommend checking out Blondie aka Robin's version of it from Edward's POV called 'Dark Side of the Moon.' This is canon for me and many other people and it's A-MAY-ZING. Also, read a Doucheward story or two, just to get into character for the big leaving kstew in the forest scene. I recommend Gallantcorkscrews' 'Trumped Into Bed' or Jandco's 'The Teenage Angst Brigade.'

For your personal recreational reading, Psymom's 'Stranger Than Fiction' (I think you'll like the personal touch it provides), as is anything by Halojones. (You could even bring out the sexually repressed Edward as portrayed in '10 Steps to Seducing Your Hot, Virgin Vampire BF.' You know you want to.)

And while you may see us all as little screaming teenage girls with grabby hands, we're not. So please stop referring to us as such. Please. I'm not a screaming teenage girl. Hell, I wasn't a screaming teenage girl when I was a teenager because I keep the crazy inside where no one can see it. (On second thought, while we may not all be little screaming teenage girls, the grabby hands part is still pretty accurate. And word of advice, if I were you, I'd avoid Le Jen. She's a grabber.)

I hope the words of wisdom and insight from some of the Twilight fandom's best and brightest has inspired you and you'll now run off to follow our advice. And remember: don't do drugs, review.



  1. I think it's great that this is here for Rob should he happen upon TLYDF. The collective humor of the ladies of the fandom in one place makes for a great read. I was so excited when I read the article that he reads in the fandom and my friends and I have regularly debated what it is he has read (AG, we all desperately hope he's read WA) Personally there is a long list of spectacular fics that I hope he has read *ehemNORTHSTARehem* ;) In all seriousness I hope he finds enjoyment in the wonder of the Twi-ficdom, I know I have and will do for many happy hours to come


  2. hahahahaha This is too funny and too cute!!

  3. Oh, I love the self-depricating humor; this is all in good fun, really. I both cringe and *meep!* at the idea of any actor reading fanfiction. But haven't I read somewhere the Rob would like to try his hand at creative writing, or is that just some crazy writer fantasy of mine? Well, if it's true I could understand the draw.
    But I digress. Well done, ladies. And Heavens Immortal, you're the bite gal!? Hecks yeah, you go Ally. And Tnuccio, you raised her well, brava *claps*.

    I'm going to go read this again, because its Just That Good.

  4. ooh gondolier, do me a flavor? send me an email to dearwtvoc@gmail.com . we've things to discuss.

    i know we don't know each other, so pardon my forward attitude. it's just how i roll. and feel free to ignore me.

  5. Am I the only one who vomits violently when pondering the [very] remote possibility that Rob has has even heard of my fic? I need a Rob block or something. I think I would die of shame or humiliation or... just general DO NOT WANT!

    Don't read WA, Rob. ILY and all, but just... don't. Ever. Mkay? There's plenty of other fish in the FF ocean.

  6. holymarymotherofgod, please don't listen to angstgoddess. Listen to me instead, and for the love of allthatisholy, let Rob read and love WA. Because I would give almost anything to see him playing Smugward. And while you're at it, please, could you have Rob read Scotch and forward it over to Jackson? Because the only thing better than Rob in WA would be Jackson (the Rathboner? Lil hottie batpser?) in Scotch. Getting a little squee-klempt at the mere thought of such a perfect world.

  7. AG.....you silly rabbit!! WA is the FIRST fic that boy needs to read!!

  8. *sneers*


    Yanno... the pressure of Rob reading FF has been known to cockblock my muse... just sayin.

  9. why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if Rob reads fanfic he is reading hot little one-shots? I guess I am jaded by being around so much testosterone but I have the feeling he is not in it for deep emotional gains. hahahaha. But maybe he'll prove me wrong.

    I would worry more if you had a fanfic with ROB than a fanfic with Edward. that would be hella embarrassing.

    (And Gondolier, talk to wtvoc. I'll set you up if you need me to.)

  10. AG, please don't worry. Rob seems a pretty deep guy, in my bones I'm pretty sure he'll love it. Don't know if you know it but there was a huge thread over on IMDB on Rob's section of the forum that was debating if he had read it or not...you're famous!
    Sending lost of calming karma your way 'cause we're all holding out for chap 50 (no pressure!)


  11. Wowzer! (Yeah I just said that...)

    This compilation of letters was FANTASTIC! God, if Rob would only read these I would seriously pay my life savings (which isn't very much I assure you) to see his reaction!

    AG--sorry to say but if Rob needs to read a fanfic it is yours, my dear. I know how you feel though, I'd probably want to go hide in a hole somewhere and eat an entire bag of Ranch flavored Rice Quakes. But, you should be PROUD!

    Emibella--I agree with you that Rob would probably only go for the SMUTastic one-shots. He just reminds me of that kinda guy, heh.

    Heaven's Immortal--HOW DARE HE CALL YOU SEVEN YEARS OLD! He owes you an apology and I assure you that you look way older than 7 :-) (Seriously though, when I read that interview where Rob mentioned his encounter I was like "Now THAT'S a seven year old I'd like to meet!!") Now it all makes sense to me. Leave it to good 'ol Rob to mess that one up.

    Well done everyone. This was very entertaining and I'm sure Rob will love LOVE love it.

  12. Ladies - y'all have outdone yourselves. I hope Rob reads & gives you each a personalized response :) Which I then hope y'all share at least a few details with the rest of us ;)

  13. Oh ladies, how I love you. Smellyia, as always, you have a way with words like no other. My sweet Le Jen, simply priceless. Heaven's Immortal, rock on, girl!

    Now, I must say that I am surprised about one little fact that you all failed to mention about FF, so I feel the need to amend this with my own little letter:

    Dearest Rob,
    We could list many recs and even more reasons that you should review, but, as a man, I have your greatest motivation to do so right here. My guesstimate is that 98% of writers think of you when creating their version of Edward. (The other 2% are probably thinking of Henry Cavil, Channing Tatum, their husband, or some non-existent man, but I digress.) One common thread remains...brace yourself...Edward ALWAYS has the most glorious, talented, delicious, HUGE peen. So go ahead and be flattered. Blush a little. Do that cute thing where you purse your lips and look all flirty coy. But for heaven's sake - THANK AN AUTHOR for that representation of your manhood!!!
    Much love,

    PS- Please consider doing some work at Screen Gem Studios. Southeastern North Carolina has beautiful beaches to enjoy, and I would be happy to serve as your hostess/tour guide/..... while in Wilmington =)

  14. To add to sweetdulci's post, i imagine that you stand in front of the mirror, completely nakkid, shaking yer hips back and forth just to watch yer peen bounce. :-)

    oh and you might say something like, "Yeah, I'm THE man."


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