Column: Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC

I’d like to start off today by reiterating a point: the opinions expressed forthwith are wtvoc’s. These opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the administrators of this blog, anyone else in the fandom, or anyone resembling a sane individual; they are all my own.

Also, the admins of ze blog keep trying to control me, and they can’t. I’m kind of slippery like that.

Sorry.

Not really.

But I really am getting better about the length of this thing.

That’s what she said.

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Dear Dirty Uncle WTVOC:

Thanks for reminding us in this week's column that even the 'popular kids' have their moments and insecurities. It is far too easy, just like ogling Rpatz, to imagine that you're all just laughing it up and wearing the teflon overcoat to the petty attacks and words. It will do all of us some good to remember that you're people, just like us, with feelings.

Now, an actual question; do you think the word "canon" (in terms of character behavior in this case, not pairings) is misused, since only SM can truly know how a particular character would react to a situation?

-ms Kathy

Dear awesome:

Thank you. Wait- popular kids? Who are the popular kids? For like, the zillionth time, I was referred to as sitting at the “cool table” in this here fandom this week. Double-yoo tee eff? I once joked about the cool table, and certain admins of this blog are at fault. Now people keep telling me that I exclude everyone from sitting at the cool table.

Fuck, man. I’m super fucking swell. I don’t know why everyone projects a mean internet persona on me. But I digress—sorry, this ain’t my personal LJ. I’m sure the fandom has had quite enough of shameless whining of late, so lemme just answer the damned question already:

Yes. I have always agreed with that definition of “canon”, that the only person who can truly write “canon” would be the s.meyer. “Canon” gets misused and abused like “literally”. STOP SAYING IT. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

-wtvoc

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Dear wtvoc,

I wish to inform you of an error you made in your last article.

You said: BECAUSE CLEARY, BUFFY SUMMERS + ANGEL 4EVA

This is wrong.

The correct terminology is: BECAUSE CLEARY, BUFFY SUMMERS + SPIKE 4EVA

Thank you for your time,

~drift

Dear ~:

Twat? I cunt hear you. I have an ear infuction.

Spike? Allow me to cough violently.

I love Spike. I do.

But Spike is Dr. Pepper to me. One of the superior choices of soft drink, but when Diet Coke-slash-Angel is there, Diet Coke for the win. Even if it’s room temp and a little dusty. Forever the right choice.

I mean… just… no. I will make this entire column about Buffy. Don’t get me started. Or do.

-wtvoc

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Dear Dirty Uncle WTVOC,

Half the fandom (the sane half, in my opinion) found the fourth book, the one that shall not be named, to be an epic disappointment. If you could wave a magic wand and demand a redo, what would you like to see happen?

THANKS,

Jmeyer

Dear the j.meyer:

* Bella’s power wouldn’t be stupid
* The whole “Bella faints at the smell/sight of blood” thing would have been, oh, I dunno. Addressed? Goddom, we were left hanging with our assumptions
* Edward would have been there instead of sending in his vamp!clone
* Edward would have talked about Bella’s soul instead of mysteriously getting over his issues with vague acceptance when he cared so passionately about it in the beginning
* Really? Carlisle’s been around for hundreds of years and has never heard of shape shifters?
* Name the child something else. Anything else. I almost feel like I don’t need to say this, it’s so damned obvious.
* Jacob gets his own book? Where was Edward?
* Where’d Jasper go?
* Why didn’t we get an entire explanation of why that lawyer dude was so freaked out by Jasper?
* Where’d Alice go?
* Where’d Charlie go?
* Where’d Edward go?
* Where’d Emmett go?
* Did Phil ever make it to the majors?
* Why so awesome, Kate and Garrett?
* Why didn’t Lauren Mallory DIAF?
* Why wasn’t there more conflict between Tanya and Bella?
* Edward? You there?
* I really wanted Rosalie to be redeemed. But no. She was written as the thoughtless, selfish bitch we had all assumed her to be. How… boring. The beautiful, bitchy blonde only thinks of herself. Yawn.

BB, I could go on for days.

-wtvoc

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Dear wtvoc-

In a previous Dirty Uncle post you answered a question about CRAZIES in the fandom ending said response with “Other side of the coin: if you’re one of the people who likes to second-guess authors… KNOCK IT OFF.”

I was wondering if you believe this rule should also be applied to Stephenie Meyer and Breaking Dawn and be one our divided fandom is responsible to uphold?

I cannot imagine being as popular of a writer as you are – it truly freaks me out how atrociously abrasive you’ve mentioned people getting. Now I find myself multiplying that fanfail in my head times a number so great there are letters involved and I stop wondering why we haven’t seen a completed Dark High Noon (Are we really still doing this name switch thing?). We hate to have reviewers tell us what to do with our characters, yet so many of us have done this to her. Sigh.

You know, SM must benefit from the “fail and hide” just as much as you.

Tired of the second-guessing double standard,

RAEcouter

Dear ray-ecouter:

Ha. The timing of these two questions was impeccable yet unintentional. They simply followed each other chronologically.

Yes and no.

There’s second-guessing, and there’s disappointment. Normally, I restrict my BD comments to the truth, and that is this: quite simply, I liked it. But if asked, sure. I’ll give my opinion.

Here’s the thing- BD had hype. A wait-time. Movie excitement. High expectations. We preordered it, stood in line for it.

In other words, there’s no way it could have made everyone happy.

But this one read a certain way, and that way was a far cry from what we had all wanted/needed to read.

I’m pretty sure s.meyer saw the fail train coming and simply chose to stand super close to the tracks.

Even if she didn’t see our discontent, I have to hope that her agents/publicists/managers/handlers warned her.

Otherwise… she’s just like the fic authors who have sycophants hovering around and reviewing that their stuff is like, omg so hot.

I do agree that there’s a double standard, with one notable exception:

I’d argue that fic authors owe nobody, but s.meyer mos.def owed us something. If only because I am a bloody capitalist, and I expected a return on my twenty dollar investment.

That being said, I didn’t have as huge a problem with BD as others did. I had exactly three requirements to be satisfied:

* They get married
* They fuck (come on. Anyone who expected a description of said fuckin’ is delusional)
* She becomes a vampire

Check, check, and check.

But I still list it as my least favorite book in the series.

-wtvoc

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Dear WTVOC,

As a fellow Rob fan, how are you planning on getting through New Moon, where we'll be forced to watch Taylor brood for two hours while Kristen tries to have a personality?

-americnxidiot

Dear almost-American-again:

Umm. Have you seen the pictures of that fella who’s playing Paul?

Quite enough to sustain me. Especially if he’s all wolfey and topless. Rawrrrr ruff ruff ruff.

-wtvoc

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Querida Tio:

If you had to pick one book to read till the day you died. It prolly wouldn't be Twilight would it? Which one would it be?

-gustariana

Dear brown:

Hmm. Just one? Probably the Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. That book will teach you every life lesson you’ll ever need to know. And I never get tired of it.

-wtvoc

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So Unkie,

What's the deal with slash? I mean is it a gay sex thing or something having to do with the characters? Just wondering.

this_ismy_story

dear Lover:

it’s a gay sex thing. Jacob/Edward, Jacob/Jasper, Emmett/Carlisle, Snape/Sirius, Snape/Harry, Snape/Edward, Rhett/Ashley (omg if you get that… I just turned myself on a little. And Ashley mos.def. catches, JS). As long as it’s two dudes who are otherwise straight or two chicks who are otherwise straight…. It’s slashity slash.

And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. I do, however, think you should always warn about it in your summary. It’s just rude not to. Kinda like that guy who doesn’t warn you when anal is on the table. An unpleasant surprise when executed poorly and without warning.

-wtvoc

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Dear wtvoc,

With the prevalence of unique and aptly named ___ward's running around fandom, will there be an imminent, hostile takeover by an army of ___ward's that have banded together after realizing that we, adoring and smitten fangirls that we are, will provide no resistance to their fiendish plot and instead form a line to become their love slaves?

- Lyssie

Dear Lyssie’s_ward:

Dear God:

I have been decent. Mostly. Please, please. Let Lyssie’s vision come true. Can I please be first in line for the following incarnations of Edward?:

* Scotchward
* Priestward
* Zorroward
* TAABward
* ProduceWard
* Stuffing-girls-up-the-shirtWard
* SpankWard

I can leave the other good ones to others, Lord. I’m a fair guy. All I ask is that my lady jandco be allowed to link arms with me and share in the _wards.

Amen.

-wtvoc

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Habib,

NKOTB will be in Australia in August.

How do I seduce Jordan Knight.

Yours,

Vegemite Condoms.

Dear VC:

Do I know you?

I say sing a Joey-Joe song at him.

Please don’t go, girl, perhaps?

-wtvoc

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Okay, a coupla srs bsns questions:

1) How do you come up with the ideas for your stories? How do you avoid simple copying of a movie/TV show/other book storyline?

2) Do you write from an outline?

3) What is your background w/r/t writing? Have you ever considered writing as a career?

Thank you!

Legna

Dearest Legna:

1. To be honest, I see fic possibilities in practically every story/news article/book/movie/tv show I ingest. Failing economy? “What if Emmett was Governator of California, facing a budget crisis, and hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Rosalie has the solution to his (and the Golden State’s) woes? AH, OOC. Bondage/angst ensues.” Torture details released by former administration? “What happens when Jasper returns home from war and has to answer for his crimes against decency? Bella/Jasper, Jasper/Jacob, Alice/Leah.” Etc.
2. No.
3. I got an A on my recent term paper entitled “E.R.: Portrait of a Teenage Substance Abuser.” Yes I have.

-wtvoc

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OMG. Brief interlude: I just watched the Bones season finale. What.the.fuckery. I’m serious. HOW COULD THEY END IT LIKE THAT. I ALMOST THREW MY DIET COKE AT THE TIVO.

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Dear wtvoc,

Can you solve a Rubik's cube?

Chuck Norris can.

-anonymous

Dear you:

To solve The Cube, I’d put in a request via a/n for a solved Rubik’s in exchange for advance fic updates. I am not above petty bribery to beat the Norris.

-wtvoc

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Dear Valued Customer,

Your e-mail have emerged as a winner of £500,000.00 GBP (Five Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in our on-going promotion.Your Winning details are as follows: Computer Generated Profile Numbers (CGPN):7-22-71-00-66-12, Ticket number: 00869575733664, Serial numbers:/BTD/8070447706/06, Lucky numbers: 12-12-23-35-40-41(12).

Contact Mr. Francis Henson for more details through the contact below:

Mr. Francis Henson

Dear Mr. Henson:

:/

LEAVE THE DIRTY UNCLE ALONE. I do not, nor will I ever, believe in British pounds.

-wtvoc

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dear uncle,

Why do you dislike the word 'core' so much? Did you have a bad experience with an apple when you were young? ....not that I'm saying you're old now....

CanadianCaitlin

Dear CC:

Much like Paris Hilton, crocs, and Coldplay, the word “core” was overrated and boring to begin with, and I’m simply tired of seeing it repeated all over the place.

-wtvoc

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Dear wtvoc,

Rob and TomStu ask you out, the catch is, they are taking you to a Coldplay concert. Is being subjected to 2 hours of Coldplay blasting in your ears worth a date with the boys or do you respectfully decline for the love of Lennon?

regards,

mozzer0906

Dear Mossy:

I would go see Coldplay while wearing crocs and chatting about Paris’ core if it meant I could be the filling in a RobStu sammich.

-wtvoc

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Dear wtvoc,

What's the proper way to tell an author I won't finish their fic because they knocked Bella up?

-Hates Pregnant Bella

Dear Yer-Not-the-Only-One:

There is no proper way. Follow the old adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” etc.

Alternately, if you really feel like you must, might I suggest doing it via PM? I think it’s pretty damned tacky to be super negative in a public forum. Many authors cannot handle the criticism, and telling someone the direction of their story is so bad that you don’t want to read it? Yeah, that’s harsh. There have been some pretty “popular” fic authors who I’ve had to talk off a ledge because of a review saying “I don’t think I want to read this anymore.” Following my old review etiquette rules… just don’t do it publicly.

If you feel like you really need to, be constructive, and be prepared for a nasty response. Not everyone (including me) takes negativity lightly or quietly.

But seriously, if you really liked the story and it suddenly jumped the shark, it might be worth it to you to speak your mind.

LET’S ALL BE NICE, CHILDREN. REMEMBER, ABOVE ALL: NO ONE GETS PAID TO WRITE THIS STUFF.

-wtvoc

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dear dirty uncle,

I joined livejournal to stalk your ass ... I'm no good at it, though I do know your other email...

come find me so we can play and you can school me in all things

iff'n you want,

who knows?

Dear Yen:

http://.wtvoc.livejournal.com

(yes, you guys can friend me if you need to add to yer flist)

-wtvoc

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Forgive me Dirty Uncle Fester,

It has been about a month since my last confession.

I write because I have a moral dilemma.

I recently met a man, who was great - funny, smart, sweet. He didn't even mind my ever increasing addiction to fanfic - he was that great.

Unfortunately, in an intimate moment I managed to call him Priestward.

Now he won't return my calls.

What should I do?

Yours,

Naughty Non-Catholic School Girl xx

Dear Meggie Cleary:

I’d give you some Rosaries and Hail Marys to absolve thee, but honestly? I don’t think you’re sincere in your confession of sin.

Let the young man go. He will never measure up to Priestward. Or any Edward incarnate, really. Since they’re written by chicks, these Edwards cannot possibly be the standard by which we measure all men. It’d be like... expecting our SOs to remember to take out the trash without being reminded or to clean up after themselves in the bathroom; unrealistic, and quite honestly… a little boring.

-wtvoc

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Dear you-need-to-shower Uncle Jim Bob,

What would you do if your son was at home, crying all over the bedroom floor? Because he's hungry, and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? And his daddy's gone somewhere smoking crack now, in and out of lock down? And you ain't got a job now, so for someone else it would be just a good time, but for you, it's what you call life?

I'm curious!!

Prostately yours,

The Valve

Chere Twatsicle:

Guuurl, I know about pain. See, ‘cuz me and my sista ran away, so my daddy couldn't rape us. Before I was a teenager, I done been through more shit, you can't even relate ta this.

Also… I might never forgive you for getting that song stuck in my head.

-wtvoc

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Now, there is no gauntlet this week. Gasp! Why! Well… the smellyia is currently on the vacations, and I didn’t feel it necessary to bog her down with trying to challenge me. I’d like to add, however, that she, jfly and I are going to Disneyland on Sunday, suckers.

So… I’d like to end this with a question from an actual member of the Cullen family (and my personal favorite Cullen)

(Note. I have no idea who wrote this, so I’m assuming it’s really him because it suits my overly abundant fantasy life to think way.)

Question o’the Week:

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I was recently reading a fanfiction story that described little human Bella scraping her fingernails against my brother Edward's self-described granite skin before grabbing his ass and squeezing it.

I had not previously realized that Edward possessed this characteristic: the dichotomy of granite skin and a squeezable posterior. Until now, I was under the impression that all of us Vampires had granite asses to complement our granite skin, as asses are generally skin-covered. I must admit, the granite-assed aspect of our existence is often trying. It makes sitting down somewhat of a challenge; smashed chairs are a frequent inconvenience.

Short of groping my brother, which I would rather avoid, it seems I must turn outside of the family to find the answers I now seek. I am certain that no other members of our family are aware of this trait of Edward's. I would certainly be aware of their curiosity when they are around him.

I have heard good things about the advice and philosophy you dispense and felt you would be the best source to explain the phenomenon of the soft and squeezable ass.

I hate to ask this, tensions run high enough in my family when it comes to the human, but is it his ass that holds the power, or her fingers?

Sincerely,

Jasper W. Hale

Darling Jasper:

First, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. Your character is my favorite of the Cullens.

Secondly… when it comes to your brother’s hiney (Heinie? Heiney?), the answer is always and forever this:

Edward’s ass holds the power.

I hope that answers your question. Now on to better topics-

How serious are you and that Alice broad? Because I have your email now, and many of the people reading this here column are tech savvy. I have full faith that one of them would be able to get your IP and eventually zero in on your location so that I might stalk find you and we could enjoy some quiet time at the Border’s or maybe go grab super rare steaks at the Sizzler.

You don’t need to let me know if this is acceptable. I’mma just go right on ahead and institute the “wtvoc/Jasper paint the town red” plan.

Or write a fic about it.

-wtvoc

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Don’t forget to ask me your questions! I’m slowly catching up to the old ones, but there’s always room for more. Believe it or not, a lot of topics have yet to be covered.

dearwtvoc@gmail.com

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withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.

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