Thursday, May 7, 2009

Column: Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC

Dear withthevampsofcourse,

I can’t seem to go a day without reading an update or twelve, and playing on the forums, and reading this blog. Is there such a thing as FF addiction? If so, do you think I need help?


Dear lovie:

Seeing as I have been working with people with true addictions lately, I feel I must ask the following questions:

-Have you ever asked yourself if you needed to cut down your fanfiction reading because it was too much?

-Have you ever felt annoyed or angry when someone in RL criticizes your fanficcing?

-Have you ever felt guilty for reading fanfiction?

-Have you ever thought to yourself, “I just need to read one fic right now, then I can get through the rest of my day”?

If the answer to any of the above questions is yes, I might recommend you to see a professional about your fanfiction addiction. I hold office hours on Sunday mornings from 8-10am PDT.


Dear Sage of the Fanfic Landscape -

Why is it that I cannot stand Bella with anyone but Edward? I mean, Edward can be the biggest douchebag, manwhore, tomcat in the world and make the beast with two backs with any Tomasina, Riki or Harriet and I'm not upset because I know he'll end up with Bella eventually (at least in the stories I prefer).

OTOH, if there is even a hint that Bella is (a) not a virgin; or (b) has had numerous unnamed relationships; or (c) relationships with known male characters (say Jacob or James, yuckies!), I have an absolute conniption fit. For instance, I read "Sin and Incivility" by Pastiche Pen and very nearly performed the Oedipal Maneuver and I'm not even a guy or have Mommy issues! And it was a great story! Jeez!

What in the hell is the matter with me? Do I need an intervention? Rehab? Pepto-Bismol before reading those stories? Am I doomed to queasiness and eye-gouging for the remainder of my days?

Help me Dirty Uncle wtvoc, you're my only hope!


Dear Squicked by Non-Canon:

First off, I always approve of Star Wars references. Keep it up.

Secondly… nah, nothing wrong with you. NGL, it takes me a bit to finish reading an off-canon pairing. But as long as it’s well-written, I can take it.

The thing about the weird fact that Twilight fanfiction is uniquely populated by the All-Human fic is explained easily, I think. No matter how we all might feel about Twilight now (because I dunno about you, but I have a hard time even thinking about the book now much less reading it), the first time we read Twilight, we were briefly in love. And that love was because of this relationship between Edward and Bella. We got involved.

At least I did.

So now when we read our fic, we don’t want the sanctity of that to be disturbed.

It’d be like reading a fic where Buffy ended up with Xander (BECAUSE CLEARY, BUFFY SUMMERS + ANGEL 4EVA) or Harry Potter ends up with Luna Lovegood: JUST.NOT.RIGHT.


Dear wtvoc:

If someone is having a most horrible day, the most horriblest ever it feels like; and can't get to sleep - what would you recommend? In all genres that you can or want, please - laughter, hurt, comfort, smart fic, historical, whatever else to your hearts content. Single or pairings, whatev. If pairings, male/female, please, and note who they are, any pairing canon or non...and all the funny shit notes you have. Comment from you is like epic, like the epic Twilight Pattinson commentary. I'm not sure what is better. Care to comment on that also? heh.

Thank you, wtvoc, for making days brighter.


dear sleepless in _______:

If I truly answered your question, the Man would kill me. I could do an entire treatise on this. So, I’m just going to list off some fics I have read more than once:

-the Teenage Angst Brigade by jandco

-Boycotts & Barflies by vjgm


-Rite of Passage by caracol

-Cullen’s Island by jandco

-Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

Oh, what? That last one wasn’t fanfiction? Funny. Felt like it.

I prefer AH. M-rated because in my mind, Emmett says “fuck”. Like, a lot. I do not want to read about Alice shopping. The Funny is preferred.

I’d love to provide commentary, but I’m getting shit for writing articles that are long, and there’s no possible way under the new wtvoc blog rules that I could answer everyone’s questions that way.


…continuing the Kstew/Bella conversation:

Kstew: umm. What do you mean, mouthbreather?

Wtvoc: oh, for fuck’s sake, kristen. Quit beating a dead horse, man.

Bella: I mean, I can stomach that you played me as a stuttering, blinking fool because, well- I excuse it. My Edward really is wonderful, and your Rob is pretty flippin’ hot, too. But the open-mouthed thing is just weird.

Kstew: I’ve got a boyfriend, you know.

There is a brief silence as all involved stare at each other. More than one eyebrow is raised.

Wtvoc: isn’t this supposed to be about S.Meyer’s writing skills?

kstew: oh yeah. I think she did an okay job. I mean, some of the writers in the fanfiction universe are better, but-

bella: you read fanfiction?

Kstew: well, of course. We all do.

Bella: who’s “we”?

Kstew: the cast and tomstu.

Wtvoc: ooh. Which fics?

Kstew: well, the one we all read and loved was-

Continuing next week

Dear wtvoc,

If the thumb is our opposing finger, which finger is our supporting one?


Dear Texan:




We all know that there are cliches that we hate, those eye rolling things that people just can't let go of when referring to our favorite characters. But are there any cliches that you love? Ones that are like old friends, that you read and just sigh?


Dear Musical Brethren:

Not really. I actually prefer it when people are original, especially when it comes to fic. I mean, copying canon is one thing. But copying the things that made certain fics popular? Jaysus. I don’t mean like, trends. I’m talking specifics.

And I know you all know what I mean.


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Yours faithfully,

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Dear Mrs. Thomas:



Dear wtvoc,

How do I go about changing my image? I mean, I need some serious 80's-Hughsian style advice here, man. Do I buy a hat? Use the word Penis more? Or is "Love Staff" more appropriate for a laugh? Should I invest in underpants with silly remarks on them? A book of knock-knock jokes?

Sincerely yours,

your music brethren

dear music brethren:

the easiest way to change one’s image via internet is to adopt another name. for instance, certain dirty uncles of yours may have more than one fanfiction account that they use to leave reviews for. I mean, it’s a possibility, anyway.

If you want people to think of you differently while retaining your name, you can always go for the aggressive thing in which you start posting all over the place like a madman. Most will assume you’re a loudmouth, however; I know this from experience. Also, the more ubiquitous your presence, the more likely it is that you will become the target of internet hate crimes.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you for the hippie you are. Please don’t go changin’ on me.


Dear Dirty Uncle,

Why is Billy Burke so amazing as Charlie? Book Charlie is fairly insignificant, for the most part, so how is movie Charlie so full of the dazzle every single time?

Secret super 'stache power?

Sincerely, Adair7

Dear grey garden:

I always pictured book Charlie as john c. reilly. At first I raged about B.Burke’s casting, but now I know him to be the hot hottie hot hot porn!stache daddio that we’ve all come to know and lust after. His quiet, reserved strength is really the foundation of Bella’s character in this movie, and I love it.

Movie Charlie brings the dazzle simply because it gets channeled straight from the Burke’s libido and out through the sultry wisps of his mustache. Simple as that.


Dear wtvoc,

In a fight for their girl (assuming she's is a chameleon, representing each Edward's respective Bella), mano a mano, no weapons allowed, who would win, Scotchward or Zorroward? Include textual evidence in your answer, making sure to throughly answer the question with precise writing, well-chosen vocabulary, and correct grammar.

And go ahead and scratch that last part. I've written way too many essays recently.

Now let's rumble!


Dear asker of many many questions:

Scotch Edward would win because they don’t know how to fight fair at Forks Academy. Despite the best efforts of both Edward and the honorable Jasper, Emmett would jump in the fight and decimate Doc MHBL Edward, who was definitely stronger as he has recently learned of his former competition Jacob the Barista’s eight-pack and has been working on improving his abdominal muscles for some time now. However, Emmett, all kinds of sauced on the sticky-icky-icky and a fifth of JD, decided to take off his brand new LaCoste Windbreaker (because “that shit’s white, yo. I ain’t mothafuckin’ bleaching that jacket. Knockin’ out Zorro’s mouth bling is priceless, but blood stains are forever.”) and jump into the fray.

Scotch Edward stood back for a minute to light up a Camel Light; he passed it wordlessly to Jasper as both craned their necks to the side, watching as the much lighter Zorro!ward used the old “float like a feather/sting like a bee” routine on the inebriated younger McCarty; the expression on Elder Edward’s face was impassive as he was trying to not take out years of repressed anger against the son of his former nemesis, Blaine McCarty. It would appear that MHBL Edward had attended a year of reform school with Blaine, and the two had competed for the affections of a girl who would later turn out to be having a one-time lesbian affair with-

Okay, I’m done. I could do this for hours.


Dear uncle of mine that is indeed dirty,

What would you say is your "Fuck-why-can't-I-just-like-this-already" food? Do you have a food(or foods) that torment you like this?

With utmost love,


Dear Foodie:

Every time my dad makes meatloaf, it smells fucking good because dude. Baked hamburger with goodies mixed in? what’s not to like.

Apparently, the meatloaf part.

I fucking hate meatloaf. But everyone around me loves the “OMG BEST MEATLOAF EVAR” dish that my dad makes, a recipe from my grandmother passed down through generations of elder wtvocs since the advent of the meat grinder.

But alas.

I also hate raw onions. WTF? My mother derives such pleasure from a fresh, crunchy onion on her turkey sandwich that I feel like I’m doing something wrong by being utterly repulsed by the salivary response triggered in my parotid glands that is associated with fresh onion biting.



Dear wtvoc,

What do donuts fear most? Does it vary by flavour...colour...individual personality of said donut?


Dear Krispy Kremer:

Did you guys coordinate food questions this week?

Donuts fear plugs of any kind. That hole is there for a reason, and to stopper it would be to suffocate the donut’s freedom.

Hey, that particular question deserved that particular answer.


Dear wtvoc:

Question: How does a part-time reviewer review a 1k+ finished story?


Dear Choo Choo:

Answer: the same way you would any story. I know I love it when I can see someone reading an entire story and reviewing chapter by chapter because you get to see their reactions to your cliffhangers, the OMG JACOB HAD BETTER DIE IN A FIRE somewhere around chapter 9 making me giddy for the progression of their involvement with the story.

I believe a lot of readers fall into the “it has enough reviews, it doesn’t need mine” category, which ain’t true. We fic authors always like the validation, even if we’ve already gotten it a thousand times. Let’s face it: the world is a better place with more nice things floating around, even if they’re on the internet.



In the vein of your girl-crush antics, my question for you this week flows from Rachelle LeFevre inspired euphoria....

What character does the awe-inspiring Ms. LeFevre bring to mind for the following Literary genres? (Twilight's Victoria or any other character from the series excluded):

1. Romance: Of the Harlequin class. You could maybe push for Nora Roberts - but I won't buy it. Paranormal is allowed, however cliche it may be.

2. Horror-Gothic: I might have made this genre up myself (see Catherine Moreland's active imagination in Northanger Abbey for reference).

3. Mystery/Thriller/Drama: I lump these together because they fit my mood concurrently in general.

4. Young Adult: Can be YA drama llama or the garden variety Fantasy/Romance.

5. Classic Literature: Define whether you go British, American, Russian etc. Austen and The Bronte's are off-limits because they are just too easy. That and I detest Bronte works.

6. Science Fiction/Fantasy: Traditional whether it be fairies and precious' or aliens and battleships.

7. Steampunk: Industrial & Victorian influences in a subgenre of Fantasy/Science Fiction (I have a specific character in mind for this genre). This is my favorite genre so please do me proud here. FYI in case it is needed:

Oh and I want your favorite LeFevre picture too so I can imagine appropriately.

With all my expedient regards,

Smellyia aka The Man

Dear the Man:

I love you, but I don’t have the energy for picture-trollin’ right now. apologies. R.lefev is, in my head, wonderful and wild with beautiful red hair blowing in the wind.

Romance: Barbara in Through a Glass Darkly. One of my favorite books. Barbara is willful, intelligent, brash, ridiculous, beautiful. Everyone wants her, she only wants one thing, to her detriment. Stormy, passionate. Terrible. Heart-shattering. Rachelle would own this role.

Mystery/Thriller/Etc.: Adelia, heroine of Mistress of the Art of Death. Adelia is strong and intelligent and does whatever the eff she wants. Possibly one of my fave chick heroes in lit.

Horror/Gothic The chick with a ribbon around her neck in Scary Stories to tell in the Dark. The story is like… a page long, and it still haunts me to this day.

YA I see her as a young Molly Weasley. Not our Ginny, though. No way. I picture Ginny as all-knowing with vulnerability; Molly, though. Molly got into trouble as a youngster, and none of it innocent.

Classic Jacob Have I Loved. Yeah, it’s a kid’s book. It’s also a freaking classic, and if you haven’t read it, go buy it. It’ll take you all of a few hours to read it. This book captivated me when I was eight, and I’ve had to reread it every few years or so. This was my first introduction into the wide world of “you don’t end up with who you envisioned”, a lifelong/literary-long theme that I still think is one of the best told stories in existence. Does that make sense?

Also, she would rock the shit out of narrating Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird. Her voice is low and sultry. If she ever took up serious smoking, I think she’d knock men out with one little purr. Ooh, that’s hot.

SciFi/Fantasy Mara Jade in the ubiquitous post-Star Wars published fanfiction category. Mara Jade was the Emperor’s right hand and hated Luke Skywalker for killing her master… but then, of course, they end up boning endlessly. Fiery red hair, unrelenting passion-slash-hate. Kicks super fucking ass because she’s Jedi. Hell yes.

Steampunk Sigh. I don’t do steampunk. My brother bitches about trolls on his steampunk forums, though. Like, a lot. I’m going with Becky from the world of Tom Sawyer. A younger Becky, but mos.def. Becky.

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. Ahhhh yes...the beloved meatloaf. Lucky for me, my taste buds allow me to ravish in the divine tastes that make up that "weird-looking" dish. Have you ever tried eating it with ketchup? Maybe that would help...

    "-Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer. Oh what? That last one wasn't fanfiction. Funny. Felt like it." hahahaha agreed.

    Looking forward to seeing what fanfiction Kstew reads...

  2. Steampunk awesome HAs to be Mina from League of Extroardinary Gentlemen. She just is.

  3. Horror/Gothic The chick with a ribbon around her neck in Scary Stories to tell in the Dark. The story is like… a page long, and it still haunts me to this day.

    OMG! I read that story when I was a yung'in and it scared me shitless! I still can't wear chokers to this day because of it.

    Oh. And I had totally forgot I sent you that question... Hahahahaha

  4. I totally loved the donut-answer. It still has me laughing! This is up there with my favorite Friends-lines. Yes, the TV-show...

  5. Oooh. Comment on m'fic.

    So, you're supposed to cringe at the start of Sin & Incivility... (yes, Oedipal eye-gutting is also totally permissible--just hopefully you have insurance to fix that) because any time someone uses some form of self-destructive behavior to deal--doesn't matter if its drugs, fan fiction, or totally meaningless sex--it's going to have that effect of "feeling wrong."

    Also, I think we like BellaxEdward in Twilight because it has all the trappings of first-time pure, real love--and let's face it--without that "innocence" canon-Bella seems much less interesting. She doesn't have any close friends (except for Jacob eventually). She doesn't have any defined interests outside of romance novels and taking care of her family.

    That being said, when Bella's "with" someone else--its not the physical degradation that we're feeling, but rather we feel like she's betraying the greatest romance ever.

    Thus, the cringe--like with GinsperxBella lemons. heh.

  6. Hello--

    Are your office hours first come, first serve or by appointment only?



    Buffy + Angel?? I have to respectfully disagree. What about Spike? He went through the Demon Trials to get is SOUL back. He sacrificed himself to save Buffy. Can anyone forget the episode where the little something something that happened between Buffy and Spike caused an entire house to collapse?? Spike is made of win.

    Although, a Xander/Buffy pairing FREAKS. ME. OUT.

    "The Green Ribbon" is the story about the ribbon around the neck girl. I've read that story exactly one time, and have not been able to get that out of my head. In elementary school (when I read the book) I had a teacher who always wore this hideous choker necklace. Anytime she made me angry I used to fantasize about running up and ripping it off of her, because I was sure her head would simply fall off her body and she would die. And then I would have nightmares about it.

    And, because I'm curious, Smellyia --

    Winona Ryder (Bram Stoker's Dracula) as Mina or Peta Wilson (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman) as Mina.

    Thanks for answering these sometimes disturbing questions WTVOC!


  7. office hours this sunday will be suspended due to the holiday, but i shall resume next sunday. you need to be in my chat box, unfortunately. so get a gmail account.

    i was thinking mina, and while i can see that, i like the image of her barefooted, wearing men's trousers rolled up to her knees with a smudge of dirt on her cheeked, poling down the ole mississippi with tom and huck. when we go to disneyland next week, we'll go to tom sawyer's island and i'll paint the visual for you again.

  8. hey, do you do group therapy? alison and i could probably stand to see you together. otherwise, we'll just keep pulling each other down. peer pressure's a bitch.

    did someone say ginsperxbella lemons?? hmm. we may need more than two hours on your couch, so to speak. (that's what she said.)

    your words are god. let's go get a slushie.

  9. Jmeyer - Peta Wilson, but better and in a MUCH better movie sans Shane West. LeFevre would have killed that role I am convinced.

    wtvoc - I m taking you up on this, no joke. I am bringing new Brown Kodak.

  10. HELL YEAH, Molly Weasley FTW!!!


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