Friday, May 22, 2009

Ask Dirty Uncle Wtvoc

Yo Holmes,

Okay... this came about due to my wondering if because vampires are "hard" does this mean the males are constantly erect? I discussed this with sensecoalition, and she said obviously because they have no blood flow - so they'd have to be hard always... I assumed the venom worked like blood flow - when they got excited they got erect?

What is your opinion?


Your favourite Brit (who isn't really a Brit)

jennday xx

dear JDnumbers:

I have to assume that normal biological processes still apply because well, I have a medical background and I refuse to think any other way. The reason their eyes go red is because of the human blood flowing through their system, so they have blood flow, right? I can reason that the peen is gonna feel hard to us because that is the nature of vampskin, but the skin itself still moves, and it’s still pliable. So if say, Jasper as a vampire tried to stick it in you, he wouldn’t be able to. He’d be (vamp)soft. His corpus cavernosum would still need to fill up with blood so that he could get hard.



I am betaing for a girl and I want to tell her that her shit sucks and to go re-write it, but I never do. I just fix the grammatical errors and send it back to her. If I was friends with her I would say exactly how i felt, but I don't know her. How do I word it in a nice way?

Peace & Cookies,

Confused Beta

Dear MastaBeta:

You had me at cookies.

Look, here’s the thing. Constructive criticism means both good and bad, said in a way that isn’t all OMG YOU SUCK HARD GET OUTTA MAH FANDOM.

Lemme ask you this-

Why do you beta something that sucks?

I already know the answer. You’re too nice.

You can either keep being nice, saying nothing, and letting a piece of your spirit die every time you get that email in your box-

Or… you can say, “Look, I like you and your writing, but I feel like your work is taking a direction that isn’t working for me. Can we rework this part?” Always couple with something positive, else she feels horrible.

The thing is this- do you want to subject everyone else to schlock just because you’re too nice to say anything?

Don’t be a pushover. I know, I know. Easier said than done. But if she’s worth anything, she’ll appreciate some help. She might even suspect that you’re pandering to keep her happy.

And if she gets mad, offended, snaps back, defensive… well, you’ve just unsaddled a burden, no?

And hope she isn’t a fan of your dirty uncle.

Just… honesty is great, but be kind. Betalings have feelings, too.


dear wtvoc boringlastname,

you led a life of sin and went against our lord and savior and had a shotgun, courthouse wedding.

if you could do it again, what song would you pick to walk down the aisle to? what kind of cake would you have? or pie? could i be ring boy? what shoes would you wear? (don't say chucks, that shit is overplayed)


ps. tell the moppets it's okay to be accidents. it just means you can guilt them about poor planning later. i would know. THANKS MOM AND DAD!


Dearest youngster:

Whaddya mean “led”? Still living is more accurate. I’m legit in the marriage department, sure. But otherwise…

If I could do it again, we’d probably walk down the aisle to a string quartet version of “Heaven Beside You” by Alice in Chains.

We’d have graduated sizes of cupcakes arranged like either a waterfall (the biggest cupcake q.obvs. being the pool of water at the foot of the fall) or a field of flowers, complete with sugared, edible blossoms on each cuppie cake. Hmm. Wait, I want both.

You might hafta fight the honor of ring boy with my brother, but he must’ve thought you were cool because he asked me if you were hot.

I’d wear my now-vintage purple velvet 8-eye Docs under a vintage dress. And I wouldn’t wear white, either. Unless I could find Buttercup’s dress from the Princess Bride, of course.

Other than that, it’s matching vintage bridal gowns for me and jandco. Poor husband. He thinks having two wives is great in theory, but in practice? He’d get sick of being ignored.


Dear WithTheVampsOfCourse,

Who do I have to blow to get a beta for my fic?


Einfach Mich

Dear Hasselhoff:

I already know for a fact that you’re inundated with beta, but I’ll answer this because there are like eleventeen hundred beta questions in this box.


Okay, if you’re new to the fandom… I’d simply ask one of the authors you love to beta.

Ask several.

This is the equivalent of throwing buckets of chum in the ocean and hoping to catch that one elusive shark. The “big” authors will most likely not answer or say “no” (like me. Sorry, I get asked to beta a lot. I had to start saying no internet-ages ago because I have not the time). But you’ll either get someone who says “sure!” or offers a viable alternative, like a good forum to check out or maybe “I know someone who might beta for you.”

If you’re against doing that, then I recommend the forums over at as a place to check.

If you’re a reader who is diving into the writing world, mos.def. contact someone whose opinion you trust.

But for those of you who are cheaters and want someone else who is awesome to do the work for you… you can go here: .


Dear Dirty Uncle :

It amazes me how you are able to write great fic, beta thousands of others, write for TLYDF, keep the hubby happy, keep jandco happy, care for your kids, get your Nurse Certificate, bake Snickerdoodles, go to Target (because it has been established that people have to spend at least an hour in there), read, sleep, shower, eat and I'm sure I'm missing another hundred things. All this with a great sense of humor and creativity.

What's your secret? What does a typical day in the life of wtvoc look like? I'm not married or with someone. I don't have children and I'm lucky if I can get two things done in one day and those would be staying awake and working.

Also, what's your bra cup size? Would you add to it? I need new bras. I'm happy with my C cup but there are some gorgeous dresses that just call for smaller breasts. Maybe I'll fine time next weekend to go shopping. Sigh. Did I get too personal? I apologize if so. Ratty bras are messing with my thoughts.

Thanks ahead!



Dearest ferzie:

I canna pronounce yer name in my head.

Typical day in the life of wtvoc:

Wake up between 4:30 and 6:00 (yes, am)
Shower. Get kids ready and off to school by 7:30
Go to class/hospital clinical OR
Clean house, pick twins up at twelve. Pick older kid up at 2.
Come home. Do homework. Play on internets.
Make dinner. (around 5pm)
Play with kids, play on internet/write.
Bathtime for kids. (around 8:30pm)
Mama’s time/bonding time with hubby
Bed. Usually around midnight.
I do betawork, articles, and updating sometimes. Somewhere in there. And I don’t always feed my kids. Other than that… I am pretty busy. Thanks for noticing. Now I know you’re not one of the people demanding that I update Piano Lessons.


My favorite dirty uncle.

Why do you think writers rape Charlie Swan's character?

He is always turned into an uncle fester child molester, or an abuser.

Why do you think they do that to the best thing in Twilight?

Sincerely, sensecoalition

Dear Slor:

I blame the SMeyer. Book Charlie is portrayed as a grumpy old curmudgeon who was so broken up over the dissolution of his marriage to the awesomely unattainable Renee that he couldn’t be bothered to repaint his kitchen when she left him for the sunnier aspects of her ADHD life.

I always pictured John C. Reilly as Book Charlie; when I saw the B.Burke had been cast, I was like “what in the ever-living fuckery is this?”

Settle down, sensecoalition. Lemme finish.

B.Burke was the best part of that movie, hands down. In fact, I have major issues with any woman leaving him. If I were Renee, I would’ve taken him with me. No way I’d be stupid enough to leave behind a rock-solid piece of mustache-covered masculinity as that.
So… I think fanfiction writers see the curmudgeonly Charlie as a natural segue way to villainy because James is overdone, Laurent is dry and boring, and who wants to see a Cullen be bad (besides me)? And for whatever reason, the Volturi is way too creepster to make a good villain. They’re more like the Mafia or the IRS- this vague idea of the bad guy, but no one really knows what to make of them .

Anyway, we’re not sure we like Book Charlie initially because he hates Edward. That alone is enough reason for many, I think. Kinda like Eva Braun could have been an amazing person, but all we see is that she loved Hitler. Charlie might be a wonderful father, but he hates Edward, and is therefore suspect.


dear uncle:

Plz to be telling us your favorite fanfic ever.

Alsoalso, you and Jandco are as well known together in general fandom as Jenn and Priestward are over at The_Gazebo. How'd you meet your lady? (because I loves tales of fandom BFFdom). What made y'all decide to start your collabs, and how'd you decide who got EPOV and who got BPOV etc?

Much love and many cheeseburgerias,


Dear K-dogg:

Favorite? Depends on the day. Right now, I’d go with my lady’s Angst Brigade.

I met jandco after playing at twilighted last summer. A bunch of us were loving Cullen’s Island, so I took it upon myself to invite her over to talk to us. Then it was like when you start dating someone- we just kept messaging back and forth, delighting as we learned that we have much more in common than two people on opposite sides of the country have any right to, considering we can’t just go over to each other’s houses for brownie nights, bbqs, sick kids, therapy, etc.

We started collabing because… I don’t even know. Seemed like the thing to do. And we just decide. I can’t even explain to you about our collabing. It just happens. No hurt feelings, ever. No arguing. We concede to each other’s ideas without feeling any negativity at all. It’s kind of amazing, really.

Thank you for the fuckin’ cheseburgerias.


jandco: dear wtvoc, why do you ignore me?

don't make me chase you.

wtvoc: dear jandco, why so sexy?

jandco: dear wtvoc

why do you not love me anymore?

For the record: this is what conversations between us look like pretty much every day.

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I admit that my favorite type of engagement is that of the “paint the town red” variety. I wonder, however, if you and I attribute different interpretations to that turn of phrase.

Your interest is flattering if not surprising. I generally consider myself to be the least desirable, at least physically, of the family. Adoration tends to be reserved for Edward. Emmett and I joke that Rosalie gives Edward such a hard time because she is jealous of the attention he receives (I am joking less than Emmett realizes). It is a good thing that Rosalie isn't the telepath. Emmett would be a very lonely vampire until around the time there’s a vamp in the Oval Office - which might not actually be so far off. Carlisle is considering a run if this new guy doesn’t work out.

My question for this week, if you’ll humor me further… Why is it that so many fanfiction stories emphasize “darlin’” as my preferred term of endearment? I can count on both hands the number of times I’ve used that expression in the last century.

Until next time,

Jasper Hale

Dear Mr. Hale-

I’m starting to wonder at your intentions. I want to believe that this is, indeed, you. The letters pull off the formality that I believe a Jasper would have in today’s world, retaining that sense of decorum that a Southern gentleman would most definitely have while updating the vernacular to accommodate several hundred year’s worth of experience into viable conversation.

To answer your question- “darlin’” is commonly seen as a term of endearment attributed to those from the South. My own grandmother, who hailed from Mississippi, called everyone she had warm feelings for “darlin’”. My brother-in-law, who moved to Georgia a few years ago, calls me “darlin’”.

Plus, it’s adorable. I am unsure if you realize this, but I’m not the only one who is into you in the fandom. Girls want to know all about Jasper, and seeing him as the twangy, guitar-playin’, laid-back Southern gentleman suits our need to have quiet masculinity in our lives. The fact that you are, by nature, attuned to our emotions? Mee-yow.


Dear uncle:

Please tell me what one song you would assign to the following characters:













Kate & Garrett

You don't have to say why unless you want to. You can couple them up if you'd like as well.


Dear Hippie of my Heart:

I could take weeks coming up with the perfect list, so instead I’m going to hit iTunes shuffle and see which songs work for whom. Or, better yet- I’ll hit shuffle and prescribe a character to the first… fifteen songs? That should work. Let’s play that. I promise to hit at least the main characters.

As of this moment, my iTunes has 10230 items, 60 days, 47.38GB. No, really.

Here we go. Lemme take a deep breath.

The Joker- the Steve Miller Band- Mike Newton. Newton mos.def. speaks of the pompatus of love. Plus, I can totally see both canon!Newton and fic!Newton weeping at Bella’s latest rejection while rocking out to this on Guitar Hero: World Tour.
White Lines by Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel- Emmett. Always and forever Emmett. I’m not saying this because of my fics; more like, my fics like Emmett as an old skool rap fan. I just think Emmett would appreciate the lunacy and brilliance of a good old rap. Plus, if any of them would try blow, it’s Emmett. Canon or otherwise.
Oh crimoney. If I told you what song came up next, you’d never read this article again. Let’s just say it’s a guilty pleasure, assign it to Movie Waylon guy and move on.
Prima Donna from Highlights from Phantom of the Opera: the Original Cast Recording This I give to Bella. Surely not, you sputter. That would be Rosalie. See, I don’t buy Rosalie as the diva of the group; she’s self-serving, but not the center of everyone’s world. She wants things her way, but she doesn’t really raise that much of a ruckus about it. She’s a bitch, not a diva. Difference.
Bella, on the other hand. Waaaaah waaaah waaaaaah. What about me? Why was I left behind? I’m right, you’re not. I’m not pretty. Why would you want me? Comatose comatose drama. I don’t love you, but I need you as my best friend. I put myself in impossible situations and (inadvertently) force everyone to flock to me.

Yeah, the more I think about it, the more Bella’s the attention whore.

The next was a Dane Cook track. Yeah, I listen to Dane Cook. Sue me. He’s hot. He can trail along on Emmett’s cocaine line.
I Got Your Money by Say Anything- the Volturri, specifically Caius. This is from Punk Goes Crunk, and it’s a great cover of an old ODB tune. The first thing I thought when this came on was OH SHIT VOLTERRA. I don’t even know why.
Goody Two Shoes by Adam Ant- Alice. A thousand times, Alice. Hell yes. I can see her boppin’ along to this. She was probably in the audience, dead center front row, hopping the white girl two-step when he first performed this live back in the eighties.
Pause 4 Porno by Dr. Dre- Rosalie. Rosalie fucks, and she fucks hard. You all know what I mean.
Parasite by Nick Drake- Jasper. Oh God, I’m almost pissed this never occurred to me before. I wrote the first chapter of a Jasper fic back in January, and I’m never going to write the whole thing, but this song almost makes me want to take it back up again.
Laugh, Laugh by the Beau Brummels- Jacob. Dude. This is a “see, I told you that guy was a dick” song if I ever heard one.
Angst in my pants by Sparks- Yorkie. So very Eric Yorkie. I have no clue why. LA PUSH, BABY.
Paper Planes by MIA- Halojones.
Tales of Brave Ulysses by Cream- Carlisle. Yes. For many reasons, but mostly because this album (Disraeli Gear, ya savage- and yes, emibella- I have it on vinyl) was played on Buffy, usually by Giles. And I’ve always thought of Carlisle as the Giles character, only not as amazing. Sorry, Ninapolitan.
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing by Nat King Cole- Esme. Not Movie Esme, book Esme.
Ballroom Blitz by Tia Carrere- the Denali Coven. God, it’s so perfect. First off, this is, indeed, from the Wayne’s World soundtrack. Frenetic, chick-driven guitar riffs. God, yes. I wanna see a flashback of those succubi in action, yo. And this is just the background music for it. “I’m reaching out for something- touching nothing’s all I ever do.” For that part where Tanya and Edward are like, stargazing in Alaska. Wait, this happened in Midnight Sun, didn’t it?
If you leave me now by Chicago- Bella again. NM Bella. You already knew that by the title. This song rips me up every time I hear it. You ever wanna feel somber and moony? Listen to Chicago. I christen every record player I buy with Chicago.
Fitter Happier by Radiohead- Edward Cullen. This is like, old Radiohead before they became current Radiohead sounding like current Radiohead. Robotic, atonic. A lonely-ass piano playing to the tune of its own metronome. Emotionless recitation of emotion. Appeal of the ideal without mention of want or need. Mentioning the things we’re supposed to want out of life. Fitter, healthier. More productive. Edward, pre-Bella.

Seeya next week! Git out yer party hats and favorite “one tequila two tequila three tequila floor” shot glasses… school is out for summer next week, wtvoc-style! Keeping that in mind… ask me fun questions that will get the party started, yo.


  1. Do you think that Jasper would attend the party if you invited him??

  2. I almost pissed myself laughing over Edward being "Fitter Happer" - truer words were never spoken! Now I'm going to have a crazy nightmare about Roboward tonight in my dreams...

  3. I do try to notice what goes on while I gorge on fic goodness. Thank you for your time always, querida! And I guess my interwebz name would be pronounced kinda like Fehr-zhin-nyah. Mucho amor. Fer.

  4. elle, i really wanna know which one of you clever little smartasses is writing to me as jasper.

    if you knew the lengths this person went to write, you'd be as amazed as i am.


  5. This column cracked me up. Good show, lady.

  6. love your column!
    your life sounds insane!
    and baby i got your money is one of two songs that i know all the lyrics to.


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