Saturday, May 2, 2009

Column: Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC

Dear wtvoc,

I have been a faithful reader of your column since its inception. I never thought I would need to seek your advice but alas, one cannot always predict the detours their lives may take. It all started about a month ago when I came home from work early. My husband "Dick", was on our couch in the living room embracing a teenage girl. He was of course surprised to see me as he had not been expecting me home so early. He introduced the young woman as his sister "Kitty". You can imagine my embarassment when I realized that for the entire 12 years of our marriage, I had obviously misunderstood when Dick and parents referred to him as an only child. When Dick saw how I warmed to his sister, he explained that Kitty had nowhere to go and suggested that maybe she could stay with us. (It seems Kitty and my in-laws had a falling out of sorts because they have asked me to never mention Kittys' name when my in-laws call). I of course said yes and offered her the use of our bed because the sofa is not very comfortable. Dick said maybe he should stay with her in our room because she was distraught and might need the company. I gave poor Kitty some clothes as she only had a dress that was 3 sizes too small and some very uncomfortable looking shoes. In return, she kindly offered to let me share the bed with them and gave me a rather wet kiss. She really is a sweet girl but our bed being only a queen I thought it might be a bit cramped. The problem started a few nights later when my back started aching from sleeping on the couch and Kitty kept me awake with her loud screaming (she has nightmares poor dear). I took to sleeping on the floor in the spare bedroom which we have yet to furnish. So by now I'm sure you can guess my dilemma but I will ask your advice anyway. Do you think I should buy myself a bed or a sleep on a sofa for the spare room? Signed Lucy 456 in Clueless, FL

Okay, sorry. I couldn't resist the Dear Abby vibe of your gmail addy. I do have a real question, though it's not very exciting or column worthy. I'm curious. I get the music or movie references in Scotch, you guys either like or want to mock depending on context. What I want to know is why reindeer socks, wallet chains, piano scarfs, bookie, and pickpocket? Oh and cloves. In the meantime, I'll TRY to think up a better question.
Thanks, Michelle

Dear Abigail Enthusiast:

You know, after having been accused of taking the reindeer socks from someone else’s story, I’ve pondered this very question.

It’s just our style of writing. Little details. We’ve always done it. I’m seeing it crop up everywhere because it’s effective.

I mean, if I start off a story by telling you that Rosalie is wearing Emmett’s old high school varsity jacket and a micromini while sneaking sips from a small liquor store-sized bottle of JD… I’ve just told you quite a lot of details about not only Rosalie, but her relationship with her boyfriend. You probably have a pretty decent picture of this in your head right now, don’t you? I bet she’s wearing stilettos in your head, isn’t she? (In mine, she’s barefoot, but my frame of reference for these things is different) Quite possibly, she’s got an arm on Emmett, dancing around in a parking lot. Or she’s swaying around with the bottle to her lips, looking around furtively.

This is nothing but subtle character development. The type of guy who would wear Christmas socks under his tux in Vegas in the middle of Spring is the type of guy who does not give a crap about what people think about him. He’s also the type of guy who would wear whatever socks were there and clean.

I mean, you already knew that about GinJasp, but it doesn’t hurt to reinforce the image. Keeps you consistent; keeps you honest.


I'll be the first to admit that I completely suck at summaries.

I didn't want to put the whole plot in one paragraph. I think the biggest hurdle for my fic is the summation plot. Because honestly, if someone told me to go read a post-BD, OC POV fic set way in the future...well...I wouldn't. I also didn't want to write the "I suck at summaries, just read it please," that I see around there sometimes. So my fic ended up with a stupid little tag line that I don't really communicates the spirit of the work. Do you have any advice to help me convert people who just look at my summary and ignore it?


Dear Wrong Columnist asker:

I believe Pastiche Pen addressed this in one of her early articles.

Have you ever read one of my summaries?

I am totes the wrong person to ask. But thank you, as ever, for your undying faith in me. I just don’t lie when I don’t know the answer.

Hey don’t use wtvoc’s real name dirty uncle!

This is my rambling reply - feel free to send directly to the trash... 8-) Actually, it's kind of a rant, sorry.

A question I get a lot is: How do I find a beta?

I used to recommend that people contact authors. The beta forum is kind of dry right now (the other place I recommend), and have decided that people should contact those cool, long-winded reviewers (who often times have great writing in their reviews). The last beta I tapped was one of these.

From a reader's POV, maybe the question should be: Why don't you beta? Maybe this is the way to go...

Readers have followed your guide, and now write wonderful reviews, saving the spelling and grammar critiques for PMs. Why wait till the chapter's out? What if they could see it ahead of time and be able to help the writer catch these changes (and even help them with things like character development and plot?)

This writing thing (you know) doesn't just happen. Write, edit, fix, edit, send to betas, edit again, then post. But so many writers aren't taking those extra steps - many because they can't find the people who are willing to actually tell them 'orifice isn't really a romantic term' or 'people say don't instead of do not' or 'hey, your Bella must be a contortionist to do that'.

The readers want more, more, more - how about they put a little time in themselves? But that means really trying. Not just 'oh, it's great, I can't find any changes.' Very few stories have NO mistakes (of course, yours would be one, right? 8-). As a beta, it's your job to make the story better. If you can't 'see' the scene in your head, tell the author. If it sounds contrived, TELL the author. On the flip side, if something makes you laugh or cry TELL THE AUTHOR. And if they say must of instead of must've TELL THEM.

rant rant rant. I know. But every one of my chapters is seen by at least 2 other people, and comes back with comments all over it, along with the spelling corrections and grammar mistakes. It takes a lot of time to get chapters as perfect as possible before I post. It's a process that the readers can be a part of, if they are willing to help.

And, the standard disclaimer: this rant is all my own, not to be associated with any sites I frequent or help out on 8-)

Thanks for the free therapy!
Blondie aka Robin

ps. You probably wanted something fun, like 'Is Rob's hair long enough to pass for Edward?' or something, huh? 8-)


Actually, I don’t have a real response. I think you summed it up perfectly.

I, too, get the “would you consider betaing for me?” PM often. I’ve said this before, I think.

The thing is… nothing is more annoying than reading a story rife with error that has an author’s note THANKS SO MUCH TO AWESOMESAUCE (I’m tributing manyafandom with that word) FOR BETAING THIS CHAPTER SO QUICKLY and then there’s like, nine thousand errors.

Asking the readers to beta is a good idea, but I’d put a caveat on that one: you may just get a beta who does nothing but tell you how fantastic you are, rather than one who offers insight and is not afraid to tell you if something isn’t working. Finding your Master Beta can be a tricky bidness, but a rewarding one nonetheless.

And yes. Rob’s hair has its own publicist now, and they’re currently negotiating a new salary. No word as of yet as to Rob’s reaction to his hair having gotten its own star on the walk of fame yet, though.

To my Dearest and most Beloved Uncle:

I would like to inquire as to the effects of WTVOC REMOVES THE WORD DUE TO ITS INFLAMMATORY NATURE on the FANDOM. What do you see as the positive and negatives? Is there licking involved? Moreover, do you participate in this ascribed social activity?

Your Old Peddling Porn Pal,
Pastiche Pen

Dear Porn Peddler:

Oh, you. I’ve told you (and everyone) a thousand times. The only person I CENSORED, ever, is jandco. it’s because of the special bond that exists between two women over the internet. She truly is a wonderful human being as well as a fucking fantastic writer, so I will CENSORED her as long, as hard, and as often as humanly possible.

Sometimes I CENSORED her over the internet. Sometimes I CENSORED her by phone. But the CENSOREDing always occurs with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

The Angst Goddess would like me to point out, of course, that the person I CENSORED the most is myself, however, and I must admit that these are irrefutable trufaxx. I also CENSORED Rob, but that would be much easier to accomplish if I knew him in real life. Or even just met him once in person. I guess over the phone would be okay, too.

To answer the other questions… CENSOREDing is something that I discourage, and I know some of you disagree. There’s nothing wrong with CENSOREDing as long as you are being sincere, but to accuse another person of CENSOREDing them is just rude and unnecessary, and in my case, dishonest. The problem with CENSORED is that there’s a fine line between sincerity and snark involved there, and I feel that in many cases, the person is simply pandering to the needs, wants, and deepest desires of the CENSOREDed person. However… no matter how distasteful I might find it, there’s nothing quite like a nice CENSORED.

As for the licking… well, that’s really up to the one who wants to CENSORED me. I consider “licking” one of the verboten words in smut!fic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to hear about it applied to me.

Sometimes I wonder if the person just wants to fuck me, though.

Smellyia aka THE Establishment's Rude Interjection: I had nothing to do with CENSORING. Oh and stop yer fibs. You fo' sho' CENSOR me.

Dear wtvoc:

-- Write a conversation between KStew and Bella about Stephenie and her writing. ;>


Dear person we all want to CENSORED:

kstew: umm, like. what was the question?
wtvoc: what do you have to say to your character, bella?
kstew: umm. I don’t… (swipes hand through hair) understand?
wtvoc: ( sighs) Bella, ven aqui.
bella: umm. What?
wtvoc: fuck, M. S’noo. I don’t think I can do this.
kstew: wait. um. I think I get it. It’s like, it’s kinda like… how am I supposed to portray this character when so much of the book is told introspectively? Like…
bella: like, how do you convey a person’s thoughts when they’re not very chatty? (rolls eyes)
kstew: well, yeah. exactly.
bella: it’s not like MeyerMama thought they’d make it into a book and wrote accordingly. That’s what BD was for.
kstew: (nervous laughter, hair flip)
bella: is this supposed to be twilight me, or vamp!tastic me? I need to know whether to act self-deprecating and undeserving of any attention, or the complete 180-bella who is sparkly and confident because the idea of Eternity does that to a person.
kstew: umm. Well, it’s like… you have this thing, this guy that you like, I dunno. Their relationship was so obsessive and forced because of the situation, and the writer had to try to make it complicated but didn’t and the translation from book to script to screen wasn’t as seamless, so like, I found it distracting to try to just act the way it was written and had to turn to the characterizations I found in other-
bella: you’re over thinking it. And while I’m at it… what’s with the mouthbreathing?
wtvoc: bella, don’t be a bitch.
bella: no, seriously. I don’t do that. Meyer Mama didn’t write me as a mouthbreather, dammit.
wtvoc hokaaaay, we’re gonna continue this conversation later because smellyia will kill me if the article is 5,000 words again. ladies, keep your robs/edwards in check. Adieu.
To be continued…

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Dear mr. abuhalweh:

I don’t believe British money exists. It’s kind of like global warming and men who penetrate virgins, make them come, and last longer than five minutes, all at once…. Fallacies and urban myths perpetuated by the internet. I’mma go look this up at .

Dear wtvoc:

Question 1:
dated several months prior:
tell me about hot tub sex - sounds scary
and how do you think i can apply it to waterfall?

Question 2:
dated in the future:
can you write me a vamp fic with hot tub sex?

Question 3:
dated today:
tell me about your take on AH versus AU.
And RL Rob fics...

-Pastiche Pen


Dear wtvoc,

You made me squeal with happiness by mentioning that Treponema pallidum was the cause of syphillis.

Here's my question: What's your take on rpf? (ie. RPattz/KStew fics etc...) I thought they were icky at first, but now have switched to the darkside.

- amaryllisflower

Dear PP/wtvoc-deflowered:

-Hot tub sex is not as glamorous as tv/movies/books/fic makes it out to be. It’s very… well, invasive. Hot water up the vadge? DNW, ever.

-As I recall correctly, you really didn’t.

-No. My foray into vamp!fic will be eyes only, unless the decision is made to publish it.

-I don’t do AU because vamp!fic needs to be done well (see above answer for my opinion on myself writing it). I think there are some amazing vamp!fics out there, though. Just… not my style.

Lots of people wanna know “What’s the point of AH when you could just as easily slap regular names on them and call it original?”

That one’s easy. Because fanfiction is a way to test the waters; a way, if you will, to see what would happen if you put yourself out there. That’s the real reason we do it, even if we don’t realize it at first.

Don’t lie. If Random House showed up and offered to publish your shit, you’d jump on it.

-RL Rob. To be honest, the only one I’ve read is Stranger than Fiction, the first (and for a long while only) Huge Rob fic out there. Oh, Psymom. My friend, my colleague. My fellow smutmonger. Welcome Home and It’s Good to be Back’s beta, and twilighted’s mommy.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, and from what I hear, some of it’s really good. I won’t lie, though- if I were famous and I found out there was fic written about me, I’d scour the internet for it and then probably blush a lot (well, if I blushed, anyway) and go into hiding or something.

I much prefer the Rob!fic I write in my head, thanks. And no, I’m never putting my quill to scroll on those. They’re for me and jandco only.

-I just wanted to type “syphilis” again

-this is why I put these two questions together. I really will answer all of them. Eventually.

My question is for Nurse Dirty Uncle WTVoC, is it really possible for a guy to cum twice in give or take 20 to 25 minutes? I've "done the deed" a couple times in one night but it usually takes time to "regenerate" between sessions for the man...guess that the price they have to pay for a guaranteed orgasm every time. With you being a nurse (soon to be certified nurse) and all I was wondering if you could give the "low down" on the multiples for men. Is it just in fandom where we all crave an Edward with stamina like a bull?

Dear Sender-of-Gift-Pie:

Look, it’s technically possible for a guy to jizz in yer vadge twice in a twenty minute period.

These miracleworkers/inducers of tissue trauma to the vagina tend to be the guys who are younger (like, under 22 younger) and/or work at it. Plus, things like stress, whether they’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol or porn and like… if they’re even into the idea in the first place are factors in… well, let’s call it what it is. Stamina.

So if your husband/boyfriend/pizza delivery guy (or surfer friend who bakes you birthday brownies, rrrrrruff ruff ruff (j/k nick, you know I love ya but not that way)(back off baby, it was just a joke)) is unable to perform even an hour after coitus… worry not, little one. He’s still hot for you. Donut doubt your hotness.

And if you have one of those young bucks who make you uhh… all sweaty several times a night several nights a week, bake him something extra special tonight. Maybe let him watch the Pacquiao/Hatten fight without bitching about the cost. Me, I’m ordering the fight so he doesn’t hafta do it. He might get snickerdoodles, too. And yes, that’s what you think it means.


We're pretty much all amateurs here, so it's likely we're all going to make mistakes at some point when writing our stories. What are your thoughts on back pedaling when the author takes the story in a direction that's highly unpopular? Is it better to stay the course or to try to salvage what you had before the fail?
Love, americnxidiot

Dear American in Not-America:

Don’t ever backpedal. No one will ever trust you again. You put shit out there that they hate? Well, sincerest apologies to the readers, but ‘eff ‘em. It’s your story. You owe no one. They don’t like it? Too bad.

Now, here’s the thing about that. You know when you’ve done something iffy. It feels wrong. But you might post it anyway. It’s up to you to have the fortitude to withstand the heat. If you can’t… either turn off your reviews (which is entirely possible on fanfiction, by the way) or be prepared for the shitstorm.

Going back later and being like LOLZ J/K J/K IT WAS ALL AN EXPERIMENT AND WE ARE NOW GOING BACK TO WHAT YOU ALL WANTED TO READ is just… sigh. What a bummer. I lose interest when the story does that.


It's me again, wow, that sounded a little stalkerish, I swear I'm not, okay maybe a little, haha kidding. I actually have a legit question for you, actually it's for you and jandco. Now that Scotch is over, it still pains me to say that.. it's crazy to think that because I remember the day I saw the first chapter posted on twilighted. Wow, that's a little weird.. but that should tell you how much I love the story. Anyway, back to my question. Now that Scotch is over, do you and J have another story lined up to amaze us with next? If so, can you elaborate?

Also, would you or have you considered writing a follow up to Scotch? Not necessarily a sequel, but maybe like a high school reunion type thing? Cause it would be pretty awesome to see what those crazy kids have been up to in their later years.

Or maybe you guys are going to write a spin off dealing with Ginsper and Alice since you guys left an opening there?

Okay, so that was more than one question, but they've been running through my mind since the last chapter and they wouldn't leave me alone. Maybe it's cause I never wanted it to end, who knows?

Dearest Drunkamaholic lover of scotch/gin:



dear wtvoc:

I just came across your Q&A session on TLYDF - wow, i'm so behind. I'm not sure I could've thought of something really smart and hilarious to ask, but I of course have comments! I guess that's my strong suit... anyway, I that you are a fan of Target trail mix. That shit is so good - have you had the smores kind? There was a pumpkin pie one too that was pretty damn delicious.

Dear Archer Farms Enthusiast:

The s’mores kind is good, but fucking target fucking discontinued my fucking favorite fucking trail mix. FML. Goodbye, cranberries and white chocolate chips. It was nice knowing you. Sunny Cranberry is pretty fucking tasty, but it just ain’t the same. Alas.

Fail, Bullseye. Fail.

So, Unkie, what is the creepiest pairing you've seen in fan fiction? I mean besides canon Bella and Edward. KIDDING.

Dear Jessica:

Oh, you.

Jacob and Edward. Jenndaynumbers can attest to this. I won a “who can squick me out” contest of hers over at the_gazebo. Suckah. You shouldn’t challenge the dirty uncle when it comes to squick.

PS… since you didn’t ask, I’ll volunteer the best pairing:
Rob and Kristen.

Heh heh heh…

Dear wtvoc,

Can you part the seas? Summon cicadas to attack? Cure leprosy? Ask Jasper to high tail to my house on his road trip?

I seriously think you can now, reading anything and everything you have written. Really, what in life do you think you fail at?

Teach me how not to fail. I sound weird. *stupid fangirl, er a woman*

Dear Lair:

-Only the pink seas heh heh

-no, but the males in my life will cut a bitch if needed

-with a round of Rifadin™ and early detection, yes

-that depends on which state you live in

-I fail at plenty, trust me. Most recently, at controlling my rhinitis.

-Teaching how to not fail is difficult over the internet. First off… stop fangirling. It’s silly. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her. No, wait. That’s not right. Where was I? Oh yes, Gwen Stefani.

Jasper can swing over and part your pink seas after he and Gwen finish giving out rifampicin to the third world countries of eastern Asia; they might need the BDB males in my life as guards, though.

(if anyone can explain what I just wrote, I’d sure appreciate it:

Dear Dirty Uncle WtVoC (better?):

Can I birth your babies or read your thoughts?! Just kidding. Go ahead and keep those to yourself.

Now the questions:

What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?
What would you say to people who say Rob's ugly as hell? Usually I just end up bitching at them...
Also, what would you say to people who think Rob can't sing a note?
Signing off for now,
The now-named Twilighted Dinosaur (pwtf)

Dear smutasaurus rex:

-better, yes.

-yes. no. I will.

-actually, I don’t often remember my dreams. When I do… they inspire fic.

-“that’s your opinion. I, however, would eff the ess out of him, and the hubby would allow it ‘cuz he gets the same permission with yvonne strahovski.”

-“irrelevant. Most musicians are in it for the pussy. He’s got that part covered. And I’d still go see him if he played at the HoB Anaheim.”

Dear and Dirty wtvoc,

I see many authors that allow their stories to be translated to a gazillion languages. I wonder why? Translating requires a lot of interpretation and I sometimes wonder if they stories are translated well or not. What if they are full of crazy polish/spanish/french/russian/marcian oddities and they still have the authors name tied to that crazy?

I am scared of the translations and I know 2 languages. I actually don't think I could translate my own story!
forever_scared_of_translations (gustariana)

dear brown:

someone asked us if we’d let ‘em translate Scotch to polish because there were a bunch of girls who wanted to read it, but they didn’t quite get it. I told her go ahead.

What can it hurt? I think it’s nice of her to try.

No, it won’t translate well. At all. But hell, that doesn’t stop me from watching foreign movies or Telemundo with the subtitles turned on, so it shouldn’t stop fic readers, either.

Which came first - the venom or the vampire?

Dear brown:

I thought venom was vampire cum.

dear wtvoc:

Jar Jar Binks or Ewoks? And you MUST pick one.

Dear brown:

Why so inquisitive?

Also… no contest. Ewoks. Fuck Jar Jar Binks. Worst cop-out character, ever. Even worse than Nessie. I’m no fan of the Ewoks, but I have their stuffed animals and there’s this Ewoks keychain at Disneyland I’ve been eyeballing… Ewoks may have been nothing but a ploy to cover up the fail ending, but they’re still cute and part of the Original Trilogy and therefore always acceptable.

Wtvoc interrupts these questions with an observation: word count right now: 4,322. Time to cut it short. SO SORRY.

All-knowing wtvoc,

What is the meaning of life?

Dear tri-smut-atops:


No, really.

It’s our biological imperative. Also… it’s a lot of fun.

Dear wtvoc,

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
In randomness,

Dear archae-smut-eryx:

Have you and gustariana decided to gang up on me?

The egg, obviously.

dear uncle:

If Canada is bigger and on top, does that make the US our bitch?

dear Canadian:

Oh, you. I just wanna ruffle up your hair and send you on your way with a cookie and a smile.

dear American:

Who would win in a fight, Edward Cullen or Chuck Norris?

Dear Aboot:

Chuck Norris’ tears may cure cancer, but I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris has never birthed a BB by nomming.

But wait… Chuck doesn’t sleep, and neither does Edward. Both lie in wait.

Then again, Superman wears Chuck Norris Pajamas, but Chuck Norris wears Edward Cullen pajamas.

K wait, this one’s really funny:

When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said, "Say Please."

Ahh, but this one sounds an awful lot like vamp!venom:

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

According to the Red Cross, an American needs blood every 2 seconds… Chuck Norris, or Edward Cullen? Hmm. I leave it to you, dear reader.

dear wtvoc:

So, I've heard many stories about your famed crack snickerdoodles. Do you use butter, margarine or shortening?

Dear jules:

Where is this coming from? Who’s spreading these tales of wtvoc bakery?

I use a blend of both butter-flavored Crisco and room temp., unsalted, organic butter. I believe this is why my snickerdoodles aren’t crunchy. Unless I want them to be.

dear w:

I believe there are 3 ways we love Rob. 1. we want to take care of him and make sure he has something to eat and clean clothes.

2. we want to be his friend and hang out and eat hot pockets and drink beer

3. we want to hump him

which one of these overrides you the most? AND bonus question. Booth or Edward?

Dear Lover of Other!Booth:

What’s with all the bonus questions of late?

As of today, I’m going with number 3. But sometimes… especially when I watch a little clip or something, it’s more like 2. I’m the mothering type, so number one is a constant for not only the Rob, but for most people in my life. I don’t even consider it a factor as it comes naturally to me, much like getting irritated at getting change in Sacagawea coins at the Post Office or alphabetizing my CD collection.

Rob kinda seems like a smart ass, and that’s the kind of hot pocket buddy I like to have.

Like, whoa. That’s totally dirty, and it was unintentional. Go me. Also, secret message for me and EZR/A only: INAPPROPRIATE SENTIMENT, ROB FOR BEING MULTI-FACETED.

Booth. If the question were DB/Rob, I’d go with Rob. But Booth is better because Edward wouldn’t look so great in a wifebeater, lifting heavy boxes in the sun and swigging a beer with one hand and swiping the sweat off his brow using the back of his other hand.

Question of the week:

Dear Dirty Uncle WTVOC,

If there was anything (person, attitude, type of fic, etc) that you could take out of Twilight fan fiction fandom, what would it be? In the same vein (wink), if you could bring something new to the fandom, what would it be?

Bonus question:

Why, do you suppose that there's not more (good) slash fics featuring Emmett?

Personally, I think, it could totally be like Logan slash fic in the X-men fandom (Logan likes to fuck, period. Men or woman, whomever is avaliable to worship his cock). Maybe it's just me, but Emmett seems man enough to get his freak on with other guys and not be angsty about it. Or am I just trying to justify my intense desire to see Emmett have naked fun time other with boys?
Eternally your bitch,
Einfach Mich

Liebes Frauline:

-The wank.

-Sense of propriety toward strangers

-Because Emmett is the Big Brother Character, and not many of us wanna think about their Big Brother fucking their ideal man, be you an Edward fan or a Jasper fan. Or, ye gods, a Jacob fan.

-Yes, I think you are, and I love you a little more for it.

Time for the Gauntlet. I apologize for the length (that’s what he said?) of this article, but in my defense… there were a lotta long-ass questions in there. And that was with me cutting.

Dear wtvoc -

I am a rather exhuberant fan of art, as is my cohort in crime - you may be familiar with my dear siDEADde - and together this week we have come up with your gauntlet. I apologize up front.

For each Cullen Actor, tell us which artistic movement would suit them best. Pick an artist from said movement who can do them justice. Examples and reasoning s'il te plait.

Sidenote: siDEADde thinks Rob Rococo, so that is off limits.




Dear the Man and with-her-as-always-is-Emo:

First off, Rob is sooo not Rococo. That’s Elizabeth Reaser, because she looks like she really gets a kick out of the finer things. Maybe Gainsborough. He’s the famous-est of the Rococos.

Also, I’m going with artists, not their genre, because so many artists, I think, defy categorization. I don’t want to do this as a fleeting study, but more as an overall mosaic word picture of the actor-slash-character-slash-other-pompous-sounding-things.

Robert Pattinson: Rob gets the distinction of being Edouard Manet, precursor artist to one of the most celebrated genres in art history. Manet’s Le Dejeuner sur l’herbe was universally panned when it first came out. People were appalled by the pornography.

Only much later did people come to realize the brilliance. But those original fans sat back smiling smugly, arms crossed and heads nodding, saying, “I’ve known he was fucking brilliant all along.”

Kristen Stewart: She gets Degas. Post-Impressionism in general. Like, they weren’t settled with the whole “ohh, pretty, everyday things done in blur” bit, but they sure as fuck weren’t interested in straight-up definition and lines, either. Degas is kind of on the outskirts, being observant as hell and not giving a shit about what people’s take on his art was. He just kept doing his thing, ignoring the hate.

Jackson Rathbone: Rothko. He’s a study in intensity. You stare and you stare and at first you think “Jesus, how fucking pretentious.” But the more you stare, the more you start becoming mesmerized by the sheer brilliance, the freaking emotion that pours out through those simple, clean lines that at first appear offensive in their simplicity.

Ashley Greene: Pierre Auguste Renoir. The thing about A.Greene is that like her or love her, you can’t say that she’s unpleasant to look at. Nothing offensive, perfectly nice. Renoir is like, Fisher Price My First Bout with Art because it’s quite easy to see why everyone likes his shit. It’s on calendars everywhere.

But Renoir had this tendency to put one little element that your eyes just fall to. You couldn’t quite explain it, but the painting makes you feel tender, and you smile a little bit. Is it the colors? The deceptively blurred background? Who knows. I’d hang a Renoir in my house, and I’d hang with Ashley Greene.

Rachelle LeFevre: I’m giving my non-jandco girlie crush Andrew Wyeth, an artist who actually died recently. He’s also one of my favorite painters (the other being Sargent… whom I couldn’t fit anywhere). The guy was an intense study of subtle emotion, man. The Helga Series? Fucking incredible. How can one man take one woman’s face and paint it so many ways, and say something different with each painting? He was all about quiet introspection, and his stuff is just fucking beautiful.

Kellan Lutz: Go with me here. I hereby dub thee, K.Lutz, the Keith Haring of the cast. Why? Well, when one sees their first Haring, at first it’s like “uhh, what’s with the frat boy cartoon-y shit? Does everyone say this is good because it really isn’t and they’re just trying to make me feel stupid?” But then, upon further inspection, you start to recognize the stuff for what it is: in-your-face statements and unapologetic ubiquity, which isn’t really a bad thing once you get used to it. Also… it’s not really that deep. Pretty much what you see is what you get. In Haring’s case, that would be bold, simple, overly colorful and two-dimensional imagery. And there ain’t nothing wrong with it. I rather like Haring. And not just ‘cuz he was gay.

Nikki Reed: Oh, NReed. She gets Warhol. Not all Pop Art, just Warhol. I have a long-standing love/hate relationship with this bitchy Studio 54 whore. I think what he was trying to say was incredibly important; I just don’t agree with the manner in which he said it. His stuff is vitriolic, annoying. Out there, everywhere, you can’t escape it. Whoring, being whored. You can’t get rid of it, even after all this time.

But I do own a rad fucking set of Warhol Campbell’s Soup Bowls.

Peter Facinelli: Bernini. Especially this statue, the Ecstasy of St. Teresa. One of my fave pieces, ever. I mean, it’s depicting something holy, and while it is at once reverent, it’s also so fucking hot, an idea depicted in a lot of religious art that I had a bit of an obsession with. I don’t necessarily mean like… sexy/steamy. Just… evocative. Provocative. You can’t take your eyes away because it’s at once primal and… unearthly. Jesus (pun pun, I pun), just look at that face she’s making. And the shining rays emanating, practically screaming SOMETHING STEAMY IS GOING ON OVER HERE, COME TAKE A GANDER. Bernini didn’t fuck around, dude. If you ever want to watch a great documentary, go find the Bernini hour on Simon Schama’s Power of Art. You’ll never think of history as boring again.

Taylor Lautner: umm… the Joker in the first Michael Keaton Batman movie? Behold, T.Laut… destroyer of reverence, poseur extraordinaire, trying to make his mark on what has been perfected before him.

Billy Burke: el Greco. Very dark, very evocative. Like… there’s something there, simmering under the surface, and you don’t know what it is, but dammit, you wanna find out. Lots of blurred dark interjected with suffusions of blistering and revealing light.

Yeah, yeah. I know they’re not all Cullens. Eat me. I do what I want.

Did that answer your question, ladies?

Come on. Bring it.

Smellyia: It shall be brough-en. Sniff...Bitter? siDEADde is smirking as this types.

Okay, so good news and bad. This here Saturday column, as of now, is defunct.

No, no. It’s okay. Simma down, naw. It’s moving to Fridays. Like…. every Friday. You all ask too many awesome questions, and I refuse to ignore any of them. Right now, the inbox still has waaaaay too many to include today. But I promise, if you ask it, I’mma answer it. Might not be this coming Friday, but it’ll be soon.

So send me yer questions: . Come, now. You’ve been reading what they send me, right? You don’t need to think up a creative one, or one that makes me laugh. Just… what do you wanna know? I’m amazed no one’s gotten all personal on me yet, to be honest.

wtvoc out.

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. Because Pastypie always does research (of all kinds):

    "This is not the only way a female can contract an infection from having hot tub sex. During intercourse, water that enters inside the female during the thrust of intercourse can potentially cause an infection. This is due to the chemicals used in hot tub water, especially chlorine, and the effects these chemicals have inside the female body. Hot tub sex has been proven to cause infections in a number of women and is not recommended at any time."

    Wtvoc had to listen to me shriek many months ago while I read said website. Although, yeah, tis also possible for things to go okay... just um, perhaps not best to just stumble into that shit... Plan?

  2. I just took my A.P. Art History Final yesterday (because the A.P. test isn't enough, apparently.) That was great, thank you.

  3. First, didn't we discuss how 'awesomesauce' is now adjective non grata. And given the way you used it in that sentence, can I just say "ewww".

    Second, so you're saying the Jrath was plain, & simple & snotty and now you see the beauty and depth behind his smile and uniqueness? Just for clarification purposes.

    Thirdly, I really do learn something new with every post here. I wasn't aware that there was a cure of sorts for leprosy.

    Fourthly, I whole hardily agree that the 'wank' can go away. permanently. le sigh.

    Fifthly, who knew the topic of hot tub sex would incite such reactions.

    Sixthly, the creepiest pairing is Jacob/Alice/Edward, though I have yet to find a fic with said pairing. A close second for me would be Emmett/Carlisle or Emmett/Jasper, for which their are fics devoted to those pairings.

  4. Bwahaha. That art question and Taylor. That was just..perfection. Perfect question and very insightful (and frakkin' hilarious) answers. I'll be laughing over that Taylor one for days.

    I also enjoyed the Kstew interview. It felt as awkward as her real-life interviews.

  5. Yes, comparing NReed to Warhol was a stroke of intellectual genius that my tiny insect brain is still trying to digest. Especially, since I have a serious chick-chub for Reed and I need to not be thinking about that pretentious fop, while getting my imaginary hump on.

    Just saying.

    Greene!Renor was my personal favorite.

    Ever your whore, in loving dedication.

    Einfach Mich

    PS In my RL circle of lesbian friends 'Snickerdoodle' is slang for...a very dramatic form of sexual penetration. Um, so yeah Crisco and organic butter would make for soft 'Snickerdoodles.' *smirk*

    PPS You know, you really shouldn't encourage me.


    Love you Dirty Unlce and your Kstew interview!

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. dear WHIRLWIND fan,

    I'm making you my official publicist, kay? Every time you type that, I laugh! I love you, woman!

    It's funny that you mention Whirlwind in the same column as the question about summaries because the summary (known in the industry as the 'blurb') for WW has been kicking my butt for MONTHS.

    Now, the blurb is not really a summary, but what you'd find on the back of the book. Those magic 170-190 words that make the potential reader go from 'oh, that's a nice cover' to 'I'm buying this'. This is what your summary in fanfiction should do too - you don't have to give everything away, you just want them to click and read the first chapter.

    Simple, huh? NOT. Laura, I feel your pain.

    That being said, I don't have a great answer either. It's taken me most of 9 months to come up with a blurb I like - and I have pages and pages and pages of scratch to prove it. (The final file was titled 'blurb number 357' - and that wasn't far from the truth.) Only about a month ago did I come up with something close to decent - and thanks to gustariana's fabulous insight (to use my dirty uncle's verbage - I fucking love the smart women in this fandom) I now have something that I believe in.

    So, don't worry about putting every plot detail in the 'summary' - keep it short, but give the reader a reason to read the story. And read a bunch of covers the next time you're at the bookstore - that did help me A LOT.

    blondieakarobin aka WHIRLWIND 8-D

    ps - that new blurb works. I got a request for pages from the first query I sent out with it! One small step along a very long road.

    pps - we all thought that cum was venom (talk about climax - sheesh!) - until BD came out, that is.



  10. This fan-fucking-tastic column should be made into both a podcast and a internet call-in show. Can you imagine the fabulous insanity of that? It would be the place to be.

    Friday nights just got a bit crazier-can't wait.

    Thanks for all the time and dedication you put into this-it shows and is quite sparkly.

  11.'s wolvesnvamps that wrote the last comment about the podcast/call in show. I don't know why it's coming up with that "other" name. Another tech-fail on my part.

  12. YES! We should have the 'WTVOC Answers Our Questions About Fandom, Life and Sparkly Peens' podcast. I'm talking to Caitlin about this.

    We could make millions! (of people laugh...) :P

  13. She, as always, would be a fearless force of nature on a internet radio program. It would be epic and brilliant. It would be a producer's dream.

  14. Loved the conversation between Bella and KStew. Mouth breathing? Hilarious.

  15. Christine, you never actually talked to me about this...

  16. aveclesvampiresbiensur,

    Ca, c'est bien fait. Jackson etait le meilleur. Merci mille fois.

  17. Um....thanks for the answers about parting pink seas and cicada and shit!

    I will take your advice and stop fangirl'ing.

    I live in St Louis, so if Jasper is heading that way...tell him to stop by I have a pink taco for him.



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