Friday, May 29, 2009

Ask Dirty Uncle wtvoc jandco

WTVOC had a horrible lapse of good judgment and decided vacationing with her husband and children was important enough to leave me. I’m chalking it up to temporary insanity and ignoring my hurt. Anyhoo, she’s gone, so I’ll be answering the questions this week. I’m not nearly as witty or fun, so bear with me and forgive her letting me do this. I’m sure her priorities will right themselves soon. Right?

dear wtvoc jandco

So I'm not such a fan of the personal questions, just cause I'm sorta a "if you wanna share, please do, if you don't, that's cool too."

Apparently I'm also a poet and I don't know it.

Apparently I'm also lame as hell. Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Back on track...I will ask, got any good (preferably fantasy) book recs? I'm following all the blog recs and such, but I'm a sucker for books. They'll be the death of me cause I'll go completely broke one of these days. More than I already am!

More importantly, have a cure for procrastination? Guess what I'm doing right now by e-mailing?

Fine. Getting my ass in gear. Yes, I know I'm probably certifiably insane.

Till later,



Well heya. First, I like personal questions. I’m way better at them than not personal questions. Most narcissists are. Okay. So, this is already off to a rather disheartening start. I don’t normally read fantasy. I only read Twilight because my sister told me I must and I wasn’t allowed to read the jacket before I read the first one hundred pages. Thank god. Anyhoo, The Time Travelers Wife would be considered fantasy, I suppose, and I absolutely loved that book. I can, however, offer a lengthy list of non fantasy fiction!

God Shaped Hole by Tiffanie DeBartolo (Jacob Grace was my Edward Cullen before Edward Cullen)

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
(because every, every girl should read this one, at any age)

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving.

And for fun I also love me some Sophie Kinsella.

I can only offer my full support in favor of procrastination. In fact, I’m actually known to convince other people to procrastinate with me. Come over. I have cheese fries and Pepsi and an original Nintendo.

Dear dirty uncle jandco,

If you had to pick 3 stories as your favorite within the fandom, which would they be and why?


Dear Agustina,

Do you hate me? Do you get your rocks off watching people agonize? This is near impossible, so I cannot think too deeply about it, as my answer has already changed 458 times. And it’s subject to change again. And I assume I can’t pick a one shot.

Here goes anyway:

The Elite by Fate of Gabriel. Because wow. It should stand alone, it doesn’t need the Twilight names backing it up. The author built these characters up from the ground and created an angsty story, full of honesty, creativity and self discovery. I adore.

Sanctuary by Jfly. Priestward. It’s not sacrilegious, in fact, I love it for its innocence, it’s a beautiful story about being torn at a crossroad.

Wild Swan by Scarlett Letters. Because read the rec I gave it.

Dear dirty uncle fester wtvoc jandco,

You are walking down the street when you meet a gentleman named Marty McFly.

He gives you the chance to go back to the 1980s in the delorian and observe the Cullens’s musical taste.

What band and song represents each Cullen, and why?

You can't use any rap, or use the same band, and song twice. For example; If Edward's song is 'Like a Virgin', you can't use Madonna as his band/artist. Each character has to have something different, and you need to provide us with visuals, and a link to the song.

Go ahead, make our day.

Love Kenan and Kel

Dear Sexay Starfishes,

Which one of you is the fat, semi successful one? Really, I love this question. It made me all excited and wide eyed…so, here’s me picks. But, keep in mind, I have thought about this many times before, and, well, the answers change according to my mood and level of cynicism.

1. Somebody by Depeche Mode for Edward.

This song, and heck, this original emo crew sums up Edward in the eighties. Visuals? As in Edward sitting at his piano crying sensitive man tears he can’t really cry at all? Anyway, the lyrics to this song are, well, pussified yet I love it anyway-- but more importantly, it seems as though the lyrics were specifically tailored to a lonely, soul mate-less Edward. I realize he was resigned to being alone and all that, but come on. You know he pitied himself secretly. Please do listen. And you should all know it was a ridiculously close call between this and Here I Go Again by Whitesnake. Because like a drifter Edward was born to walk alone, goin down the only road he’s ever known.

2. Brass In Pocket by The Pretenders for Rosalie.

Cause I’m gonna make you see/There’s nobody else here/No one like me/I’m special/I gotta have some of your attention/Give it to me…and then the lyrics go on to describe how she’ll use her various body parts and looks to get said attention. It is fitting. Visual? I’m still confused, but in the 80’s I see Rosalie tsking all things Day-Glo, but you just know that mane of corn silk hair probably touched the sky.

3. Another Thing Coming by Judas Priest for Emmett.

One life I'm gonna live it up/I'm takin' flight I said I'll never get enough/Stand tall I'm young and kinda proud/I'm on top as long as the music's loud/If you think I'll sit around as the world goes by/You're thinkin' like a fool cause it's a case of do or die Mkay. I realize this is a horrible song, but the lyrics fit and I just couldn’t find anything else for him and it’s better than Don’t Worry, Be Happy, which I almost had to pick. Look, I’m not freaking WTVOC. If it’s any consolation his current song is Float On by Modest Mouse. Emmett completely wore a red bandana around his head sweatband style a la Brand Walsh in the Goonies.

4. Crystal by Fleetwood Mac for Jasper.

Yeah, it’s not an eighties song, but it was released before the eighties, which means it did exist and if we’re all being honest with each other we can all recognize that Jasper thought all music from the eighties was crap. He doesn’t buy into trends. Or synthesizers. Special knowledge holds true/bears believing (his wife is a psychic for crying out loud) I turned around/and the water was closing all around me/like a glove/like the love/that had finally, finally found me/then I knew/In the crystalline knowledge of you…”

We know two things about Jasper: he fights some wars and he likes Alice. I don’t know what he was doing in the eighties, but I like to think that he spent the decade laughing at Flock of Seagulls.

5. Father Figure by George Michael for Carlisle.

Stop. You just rolled your eyes and questioned my effort. But really, the lyrics are just…astoundingly right for Carlisle. “That’s all I wanted/Something special” (he just wanted a companion, right?) “but sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime/ I will be your preacher teacher/I will love you til the end of time.” Mmmm. Hawoah. Preacher Teacher indeed, Dr. Cullen.

6. Take My Breath Away by Berlin for Esme.

What’s an 80’s playlist without this song? That’s why. And because it’s soft and romantic like Esme and because Our House just didn’t seem Esme-ish. And because Carlisle indeed took her breath away. Hah. So, remember in the 80’s when women entered the work force with a vengeance and they all wore lady suits with huge shoulder pads and floppy ties? Yeah, she did that, too.

7. Let’s Hear It For The Boy by Deniece Williams for Alice.

I toyed with the idea of giving Alice a current song based on the fact that she saw Cobain coming while he was still in diapers, but I didn’t. Mostly because I cheated on Jasper’s song. With all of Alice’s traits, the fashion, the foresight, the slight stature—what sticks out the most to me is that she’s Jasper’s cheerleader. Unlike Rosalie, Alice was in to Day-Glo. Legwarmers as well. I am giving the Footloose clip, because, well, you know why. And you’re welcome.

Dear wtvoc jandco

What do you think SMeyer's reactions to stories like WA, the Sub/the Dom would be? Especially since her chasteness created this fodder for smut-filled fics.


Dearest twilighttrin,

Oh dear. I think she’d lay the smack down on our filthy fun. And I couldn’t even hate her for it. Hah, kidding about the smack down. Obviously, publishing anything past college ball second base goes against her moral grain. Which is honorable and I respect the heck out of that. Sister has been coined ‘cockblock’ and ‘ice crotch’ (by me), but really she did what she set out to do with her characters. I think if she read some of the more hard core fic she’d be a little shocked and possibly uncomfortable. Afterall, no one knows these characters better or more intimately than her. I also think she’d be completely turned on. The bottom line is Cockblock Meyer is doing all of us a huge service by letting us play with and pervert her characters without making any fuss. I mean…she’s gotta know what’s going on here. Yet she is allowing us to build off of her work and I like to believe she does that for the sake of budding authors, who want to learn to hone their craft…for the sake of the art! And because she secretly reads it and wishes she had the nuts to throw a swollen bud and a throbbing cock in Breaking Dawn.

Dear perverted The Uncle jandco,

What are your thoughts on the fact that Smeyer originally penned Phil as being a molester, and that was Bella's motivation to move to Forks? She also made Eddiepuss kill him. Do you think this warranted a killing?

Since celery, The Vulcan

Dear whereonearthdoyougetthisdeliciousinformation?,

Twhat? Is this true? I don’t care if it is, I like this question. I think it would’ve had to have been a much darker book, ya can’t just skim that crap over, and, gah, what about the ten year olds who love Twilight so?? Can you imagine? And then Renee…Bella was just going to let Renee go on living with the molester in ignorant gross bliss? And why am I pummeling you with questions?

Okay, my thoughts are I’m glad she didn’t go the molestation route. It would’ve taken away from the simple, pure need and want for Bella to be with Edward. If she’d been molested, it would be too easy to believe she wanted to be changed for escapism, not for Edward. She’d forget most human memories, she’d have reason to disappear, to never see family again…it would’ve detracted from the love story.

Now, Edward kills Phil?? That would’ve been hot. And not a big deal, I mean, he likes to eat humans anyway, it would just give him an excuse. But again, what about the children fans?! Tsk. Violence is never the answer kids. (but it would’ve been hot)

Does molestation warrant a killing. Gah. I’m pleading the fifth on my real life personal opinion. In this alternate version of Twilight, however, YES. Because, frankly, I’d want to read about pissed off Edward defending his lady-- and Edward actually did kill ‘lowlifes’ during a lost decade in the sixties. (I choose to believe he got lost in the sixties) Bella showing up in Forks with a horrible past like that would simply validate Edward’s past kills. I’m okay with that.

Hey Unkie jandco,

So what's the deal with the Emmett? He gets no love! I've seen Bella with the obvious Edward or Jacob, but also sometimes with Jasper or Carlisle, but not really Emmett. In slash I see Edward +Jacob, or +Jasper, or even +Carlisle, but rarely +Emmett. Why do you think that is? Are writers that afraid of Rosalie, or are we just not ready for a Emmett+Bella+Edward sandwich??? I say no to both. BRING ON EMMETT'S HOT BOD!



Dear Large Member Enthusiast,

You are right. I myself would love to bite on mah knuckles while reading some Emmett porn. Alas, I do know the answer.

His dick is too big.

He cannot do slash, or he’ll ruin Edward, from the inside out. He can’t do Bella because sister can barely handle Edward, she’s always writhing and going on and on about how much he fills her and stretches her…and if we’re being real here, Emmett’s dick is bigger than Edwards. She can’t handle it.

I’m fairly certain most people think even all human Rosalie has an ice crotch, much like vamp Rosalie, and frankly, who the heck knows how to describe that? But. Stitches and Scars by Bittenev has some finger lickin’ good Emmett porn. Try it.

Hi wtvoc jandco,

I've always wondered, did you and jandco know each other IRL before fanfiction? Or did you meet when you both started writing Twilight ff?


Junie, Junie, Junie…

Is it documented when two shooting stars cross paths in a black sky? What exactly led Romeo to Juliet? Fate? Evil? God? What is the exact origin of the Rob/Tomstu bromance? Some questions about such divine collisions simply cannot be answered.

Fortunately, yours can.

Last summer, around chapter three of Cullen’s Island this unholy union was formed. We took turns stalking each other. It’s pretty much the same relationship now, except we’ve roped our significant others into it. WTVOC would like to add this: YES unholy? i'm fucking holy as shit.

Special thanks to the lovely and talented Jandco for filling in for her girl, wtvoc. Every time she writes for the blog it is filled with insight and a hearty dose of lusty humor. We all look forward to her contributions and hope that WTVOC is having a fantastic time floating down a river listening to Styx (no mythological humor intended) and sipping Gentleman's Jack.


  1. "And because she secretly reads it and wishes she had the nuts to throw a swollen bud and a throbbing cock in Breaking Dawn." I laughed out loud, which is embarrassing because then I got given the third degree as to WHY I was laughing out loud and I got all nervous and thanks J-star, thanks a lot.
    I can totally picture Edward crying sensitive man tears. Also, props on sticking a footloose link in there, I never thought I'd see the day when Kevin Bacon popped up on Ficster.

    jandco makes a feisty return. see you round the message boards hot shot!


  2. Hey!

    Are you spying on our chats? Because I totes sang that song Let's Hear It For The Boy to Kel the other day.

    I giggled at the Carlisle song. It made me want to get out my Ladies and Gentleman: The Best of George Michael CD out.

    Your musical taste is awesome. Fleetwood Mac AND The Pretenders. Be still my heart.

    I'm Kenan. I'm the chubbster.


  3. Jandco,

    So nice to hear from you. Thank you for filling in for our fav dirty uncle. You had me laughing just as much as she. :-D

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  5. Your musical picks were "totally awesome dude"

    I always pictured Emmett in the middle of a Metallica mosh pit scaring away all the other headbangers.

    It was a really funny column and you talked about Emmett porn...thank you.

  6. Awesome answers! Love the music choices and it's always so lovely to hear from you.

    I vote for more Emmett sexy times! That Tanq outtake in the Bentley... ung. It still would've been hot with or without Rose.

    I was at the ob gyn's yesterday and Cullen's Island popped in my head completely out of nowhere! Trufax. It was awkward, to say the least. I told my BFO to take your warning seriously next time she needs to be there.


  7. emmett & bella do it in "If It's The Beaches"- just sayin.

    in other news, I LOVE JANDCO. great stuff! yay.

  8. i was floating down the colorado river, not styx.

    i did consume gentleman's jack, though.

    i also did something illegal that made me very, very scared i was going to die. FUCK THE MEDICAL GRADE. THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THAT SHIT.

    also... i think my lady should do this every week. wtvoc needs moar vacations.


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