Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC (Or Jandco...)

Our favoritest of dirty uncles is chillin' like a villain on vacay this week, so we have the extreme pleasure of once again hearing from the ever-loverly Jandco.

Dear Dirtiest Oncle of Them All,

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm pretty new to the fandom (read as: started posting my story in february, started reading a few weeks later) and while I do my best to look around and find things on my own, I have my flaws. I've searched and searched, but there is something that I have been looking for and just can't find.

No, I'm not talking about the meaning of life, my fandom life partner, or the perfect shade of red lipstick.

I'm talking about high-quality non-canon pairing stories.

I feel guilty admitting it, but I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. You see, while the only stories I've *written* have had non-canon pairings, I have only *read* maybe three stories that didn't have canon couples.

Now, my pairing of choice is E/B, with some J/A (and even a little J/E and J/B) action going on. I don't have too many problems finding those stories. After all, we all know that finding a good E/B story is about as easy as finding the nose on the front of your face, especially with the help of the blogs and podcasts. But where do I go to find a good story with non-canon pairings?

Cluelessly Awaiting Your Answer,
f.k

Dear Soon To Be Not Clueless,

I sincerely hope you meant all human as well as that is what I read and am prepared to offer.

Run like hell to read The Elite by Fate of Gabriel. It’s non-canon pairing glorious. I’ve waxed about the genius of this story before on here, so I won’t again—but read it. Read it now.

My other favorite non-canon pairing is Son Of a Preacher Man by LaViePastiche. This lady made a Jasper that made me ask, “Uh, Edward who?” (Which should be impossible)

As of now, this story is Bella/Jasper, Rosalie/Edward—and random others and it’s just…such angsty, hilarious, well written fun.

That’s all I got right now, I hope you enjoy—
Jandco

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Dear wtvoc,

How do you differentiate angst from drama when categorizing a story? What if your drama's angsty or your angsty's drama? What is the mathematical formula one uses to decide? I'm honestly not sure. Truth be told, I even didn't consider angst a genre until I read fanfic, but since I've seen the light, I've wondered this often about some stories.

-Jesus

Dearest Hay-Zeus (I assume this is the proper pronunciation of your moniker as Jesus is all knowing)

Um. Unfortunately, you get Jandco, not the dirty uncle this week, and that is sad, because that means you are asking the way wrong lady.

But.

I can offer this: I once labeled a story angstfluff. That’s right. I did. Because, dammit, it was both! The point is, I can relate to your dilemma and let you know it’s okay to categorize it however the heck you want. If the story is quality, the genre you label it as doesn’t matter much. Obviously, don’t be killing off Edward and give Bella cancer then label it humor. Use your common sense, because really, don’t all good stories have a bit of all the elements?

And.

I believe on fanfic.net you can click-a-roo more than one genre.

I hope, but don’t think, that helped.

Official Time Waster,
Jandco

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Dear All-Knowing Pervy Uncle,

First, I'd like you and the ladies at Twigasm for helping me embrace my inner perv! I am thoroughly enjoying it and living it up, as my friend Kim saw this past weekend!

Second, my question. I am here to inqury about reviews from a author. I must admit when I first came to the world of FanFiction (thanks to Wide Awake) I had no idea what I was getting into as I did not know what FanFiction was before Twilight and WA. So I read and never reviewed. I know, I know. I can make excuses but it doesn't matter, I now review everything I read. I do my very best to review every single chapter of every story I read. Sometimes I wonder though, I read your blog every week and you have said "review, review, review". For the most part you said as long as your not an asshole and your constructive and don't just say update it's all good. But I have been soo curious. I tend to leave long reviews - I quote chapters - sometimes when I am inspired by a chapter, I leave silly notes for the authors, and sometimes ramble about the chapter.

A few of the authors I review regulary I have gotten to know and chat with (which I absolutely love) and they tell me how much they like my reviews. But sometimes I feel as though my reviews might come across as annoying and too time consuming. That maybe it would be better to not leave my regular review - just shorten it and be "quick", kind of summarize. Do you have any advice on this??

P.S. Thank you, and please thank Jasper and Carlisle for answering my ticklish question quite thoroughly. I enjoyed the response! :)

dedicated fangirl,
Jess (aka BBSapphire24)

Dear Jess-we-have-the-same-name!

I love me some long reviews! I know, I know, it’s a disgusting ego stroke and getting validation from perfect strangers is pathetic—but still. I love them.

And the ego stroking aside—here’s why:

When a reviewer takes the time to quote chapters and offers lengthy opinions it often offers a whole new perspective to the author.

Many times I’ve read a review and thought: Wow. I didn’t even see that. And that is what is wonderful about reading—it’s open to interpretation. A reader reads it and takes things from it—and then someone else can read it and find something completely different to relate to or ponder over.

Then again, sometimes I get a long review that quotes or goes on to dissect the chapter and the reviewer has pointed out everything I meant to get across—I SCREAM IN DELIGHT as though Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson and Adam Lazarra all just crawled into my bed.

What I’m saying is there is nothing like the feeling of knowing that someone out there ‘got it’ and was affected enough to share.

So.

I never sigh or wince when I see a long review.

I print them out and affix them to the fridge with Chinese take-out magnets.

Keep writing up the long reviews, I assure you they are appreciated—
Jandco

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Dear Many Names,

I have to say I love this fandom to death. I do, honestly. But sometimes it drives me crazy. It seems like every time I get online people are complaining about something else. And half the time what they are complaining about has nothing to do with them. Do we all not have enough drama in our lives already?

Okay, sorry about my rant. Onto the real question.

Why do so many people put car crashes in their fics? It seems every fic I open has a car crash in it. I swear I just got two new chapter updates and both of them had car crashes in them. I have become so annoyed with this. Then we have to go through the whole hospital/recovery thing. It's become so over done. Why do you think this is so popular?

Peace & Cookies (I have offered you these things once before)
Confused Reader

Dear Probably Will Remain Confused Reader,

Oh, the drama.

I will tell you a story.

Last year, I wrote my first fanfiction and it was fun and productive and I became addicted. And I had NO IDEA there were sites and forums and actual human to human contact goings on all based on fanfiction and Twilight.

And I was ignorantly blissed.

Then, because I was an addict, I needed more, I ventured out and found A WHOLE GROUP OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME.

Close friendships via the interwebs were quickly forged and I loved it even more—and we didn’t just discuss fic or the fandom. We talked personally about our real lives and our real feelings.

Then, random little spats about who-said-what and she-posted-this- and that-was-my-fic-quote and you know…all of it…started happening.

And people turned mean.

They said mean spirited things out of anger and for fun and out of boredom. They said awful things about people they don’t even personally know.

And I’m guilty of this as well—and that shit is downright shameful.

Now, the question is why. Probably because it’s human nature to pick sides and gang up and to not want to be on the outside of things (most of us have been to middle school, right?) Maybe because it’s a group chock full of women and admit it or not, fic writing is a competitive little game. Some people out there just find it impossible to support others ventures and cannot stick to the ‘don’t like it, don’t read it’ rule. Instead they must make their feelings known—and as long as they rant about a publicly posted story, that’s fine. But. Too often it’s a personal attack on the author—someone they don’t even know. Maybe because people bond over a mutual dislike for another.

And then opposing cliques stick up and defend one of their own…and it’s a posting war.

And at the end of the day, when you close or log off your computer, all of it meant nothing. People are hurt and offended and angry…and for what?

Ain’t no one getting paid or laid, ladies.

Keep in mind we’re all doing the same thing here—reading, writing and loving or making fun of Twilight. How hard can it be to support each other?

It’s too easy to act like a big shot behind the computer screen and it’s too easy to say awful things to and about someone’s mother, daughter, sister, friend…when you don’t have to look them in the eye. Still. It hurts as though it was said to your face.

Believe me.

I know.

At any rate, I rarely post on the forums anymore and because of that, the Twilight Fandom is a very nice place to be. I don’t want to be mean spirited toward others and I don’t want the same reflected back on me. I’m sure the day to day drama is still there—but I’m unaware of it and the world keeps turning even though I don’t know who said what about who-- and I’m happy.

Here’s my advice:

Be nice, always. Those people have feelings. If you wouldn’t want someone to know what you’re saying about them, don’t type it.

Don’t post when you’re feeling too strongly about a situation. Close your computer, do something in real life and come back to it and see if it still matters to you that much. Chances are the drama of the hour will be over by the time you come back.

If you’re sick of the drama, weed out the good friends that you’ve made and hit them up in gchat or on the good old fashion phone.

Ask yourself if you would want your child behaving like that or if you’d want your mother to know what you’ve been saying on the internet. Give yourself a respectful reputation for crying out loud. There is much to be said for a class act.

And lastly, ask yourself two questions:

Am I part of the problem?

Am I part of the solution?

If you answered no, it isn’t your business. Carry on with your day. If it’s yes…do what you gotta do—but ask yourself how you got into that business in the first place so you can avoid it in the future.

End of rant.

Now.

Car crashes.

Because it’s angsty and can lead to comas, disabilities, amnesia, love triangles, cliffhangers—all excellent fanfic plottage. And Edward Cullen with stitches and bruises is hot.

But you’re right.

What ever happened to good old electrocution or a heart attack? Surely we can come up with something more creative to injure our little Twilight pets.

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(From your dirty uncle) So, how'd my lady do? Wish us luck for this weekend, and send your questions to dearwtvoc@gmail.com!

two rivers, two coreys, a jayne, a jane, a jewel

Summer! How’s yours going? I might be old enough to be an adult, but I’m still on a student’s schedule (and I’m also at the mercy of my kids’ school schedule) and I have the summer off. It’s been worse than during the school year, too; as I write this, I’m at my kid’s swimming lessons. I live in Southern California and it’s overcast, gloomy, and cold. What the hell, dude? A week ago I sat on this bench and got more tan as I wrote updates… now I’m sitting here, freezin’ balls and bitching about it, heartily.

Anyway, on with the questions. And for those of you wondering which updates I just referred to… go check your inboxes, if you have me on alert: I’m actually updating today. You can thank the swimming lessons for allowing me to multi-task. This is a short article, though. That’s what she said.

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Dear Wtvoc-

I have some bones that need pickin', and I really don't know where to turn to. Maybe you can help.

First thing: I've been writing FFn for a year now. I've got a healthy little following of readers, but that's just it- it's little. I guess I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I always take great care with editing my chapters and I try to update on a regular basis. I try to stay away from the typical characterizations of the characters, and I almost never use words like "center" and "mound" in my smut. So what gives? I've yet to win any contests or awards, and it's kinda tearin' my dream down, man. It's bummin' me out! Maybe you could let me in on the secret, cuz I'm definitely feeling like I need to step things up.

Second thing: Maybe I'm just a poor sport, but sometimes when I read some stories that have thousands of reviews and a healthy following, I'm left wondering. Most of the time, they're amazing. Sometimes, though, I just see the need for a better beta. I find myself tempted to tear my hair out when I'm reading a story I really like, only to have the author switching their "than" with their "then" or their "you're" with "your." How can these authors get such a following if their stories are so riddled with mistakes? To me, it just doesn't display care and attention to their craft.

Oh! And it drives me nuts, especially when I see a note at the beginning of the chapter thanking the author's beta. I mean, really, did they post the unedited version? I just want to email the author and tell them to fire their beta or find a secondary editor to fix their shit. I know we sometimes pick betas because we respect their opinion more than because they have any editing background, but still. It's too distracting and my interest in a story (that may be absolutely AMAZING) wanes if I have to mentally correct things as I'm going through. I try to take care with my chapters, and an accident may occasionally slip through, but I make that effort and I guess I just expect others to make that effort, too. I wanna see a clean chapter so I can enjoy your story, dammit!

And for the love of god, how many more mouths will "crash" together, how many tongues will "beg for entrance" or be "granted access"? And don't you dare rub on my "bundle of nerves"!

Okay, my rant is over now. I feel like a spoilsport, but really. I hate it when these things happen. It makes me wanna cry harder than I did when Tofutti stopped making my favorite flavor of vegan cream cheese. Ugh.

-Becky (Herinfiniteeyes)

Dear Sporty Spoiled Spice:

Look, here’s the thing.

You speak of poor editing and betas and perfect characterizations.

What I want to know is this-

Why are you here?

Are you in it for the laughs, or the validation?

What I’m about to say might be construed as rude, and I apologize in advance, but it isn’t intended to pick on you, or anyone, really, just me being blunt, but-

-this is fanfiction. You call it “craft”, I call it funtimes and exercising my writing muscle. I think there’s a distinct difference between a “craft” and a “hobby”, and the difference to me is what you expect to get out of it.

As a craft, writing would give you some sort of return, some sort of validation, I guess. The satisfaction of a job well done. That’s what the reviews are for. As a hobby, you do it because it’s fun, or because you love writing, or it relaxes you, etc.

It doesn’t really matter which of the two fanfiction is for you; it sounds like you’re on the craft side, and over the last year of writing for this fandom, I’ve decided to remain firmly entrenched on the hobby side. Nothing wrong with it being a craft, either; that’s not what I’m saying.

But what I’m saying is this: it’s not craft for everyone. Plenty of people are in this for the fun and could give a shit about syntax, plot development, editing, etc. God knows my stuff isn’t perfect, and that’s because I refuse to get a beta.

Now, the rabid readers are often finding themselves in one of two camps: srs bsns OHMYGODYOUSHOULDPUBLISH and HOLYSMUTTINGFUCKINGSHITTHAT’SHOT (or sometimes, a crazed combination of both). Heh, I know I’m generalizing broadly, but consider me General Broad here- not all readers are in it to read stuff that transcends canon and could be turned into a book, just like not everyone is in it to read the most graphic, pilates-questionable, googling-“BDSM” material possible.

Dude, I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I guess what I’m saying is that not everyone is as serious about it as you seem to be or others are, and that’s okay. Do I read stuff and question its popularity? You bet your ass. Do I wonder who these betas are that don’t know the difference between accept/except? I roll my eyes every time. Does it keep me awake at night? Never.

Now, as to why your story isn’t getting the reviews or popularity… dude. There are people who get paid millions consulting with Hollywood as to which movies are going to make the boocoo bucks, and they’re often wrong. Who can tell? A lot of it’s promotion, sure, but it’s not like there’s a sure-fire rule about how to effectively promote your shit. Just keep doing as you do. Promote yourself in any forums you participate in; rely on word-of-mouth with your readers.

And godspeed, love.

-wtvoc

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dear wtvoc,

lets get down to it shall we?

when writing a fic i want to know how the hell you start? i have sooo many ideas for stories and i have pages upon pages of random chapters and ideas for said stories. my problem is that i cant seem to get a good enough start and the chapters i do write, i read over and over and wonder if ill ever be satisfied enough to post. (dont even get me started on the concept of actually posting -- where i will find the balls to actually do it is beyond me) it doesnt make it any better that these stories are floating around in my mind all dam day while i am sitting around with my thumb up my ass.

another problem i have is my writing skills. i love to write but english and i have a messy relationship and as you can tell by this email, i have no regard for grammar or anything in its vicinity . (im also pretty sure there are a couple of run ons in here...my bad dog)

any help you can give will be greatly appreciated and who knows? maybe ill actually have a story up once i get over myself, yes?

thanks a bunch

--- mrs. robward cullenson

Dear Mrs. C-

I don’t know what you’re asking of me. How does one write, or how do I write?

I can’t speak for others; I just sit down to write, and I generally find it effective if I just type and type and go back later, editing and adding and deleting as I go.

Now, if English and you aren’t on the best speaking terms, I would definitely suggest getting a beta. Just because I’m not a grammar Nazi in my fics (see above question), doesn’t mean it doesn’t irritate the shit out of me when I see really bad errors. Project Team Beta is a livejournal community created for the express purpose of finding people betas. I don’t use it because I edit my own stuff, but I do hear wonderful things.

If you wanted to know how I, specifically, start- I just do. It’s hard to explain. One day I’m sitting here, talking with jandco, the next we’ve written three chapters of Scotch, Gin and the New Girl.

Good luck, dear. If the story’s hollering to you loud enough, you’ll get it written. If not… there’s also a livejournal for people who have ideas/need ideas. Lemme dig that one up for ya, if you want it?

-wtvoc

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Yeesh, everyone’s asking srs bsns today. I feel like I’m a stern librarian, chastising you guys for making too much noise. >:( DON’T YOU KNOW THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?

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Darling Dirty Uncle,
I had a question for you about the Twilight books. This blog primarily deals with the glorious world of FF, but I was wondering if you could give me the final word on the books themselves? I'm a bookish person, and when I stepped into the Twilight realm, I noticed two categories of Twilight readers.
a) frightening obsessiveness
b) hyper uber anti-Twilight
I've gotten mixed impressions of Twilight, but mostly I regard it as tasty braincrack, and not much else. What do you think? You seem to appreciate it on some level, but it's no secret that you object to certain parts. Can you break it down for me and give us the final word?
-VioletWilson,

Hey Mrs. Wilsonnnn!

The more I hang around this fandom, the less I like the books.

I’m trying to figure out why. I actually tried to read Twilight recently to aid my writing of wolvesnvamps’ auction!fic, and my mind kept wandering. I remember when I first read it last February that I couldn’t put it down and couldn’t stop thinking about it; now it kind of bores me.

Is it fic? Is it the legions who start websites devoted to mocking it (one of which I love, is super notorious, and I love the girls in it to death and no, it’s not the Gazebo)?

More like a combination. I mean, we’ve all read some good fanfiction that is much better than canon (Dark Side of the Moon, anyone?) and we’ve all seen the hype and subsequent Twilight Movie backlash.

I, personally, still like the series, but maybe not as much as I did last year. I think it’s because this fanfiction thing I’ve found has brought me so much more enjoyment than the books did- the people, discovering I love writing, Rob (haters to the left, please), this blog, my new stuff, etc. I’m a book person, too; I’m currently reading five books at the same time. But who was it who said “Books are fine in their own right, but they’re a mighty bloodless substitute for life.” Err, something like that. I can’t google, the pool has no internet, dammit. Anyway, yeah- the internet Twilight has given me so much more pleasure than the books, and that’s rare. This fandom is so very large and so very involved, and I have too much fun in it sometimes.

Okay, final word:

Twilight: still my fave. After the prefanfic/fifth reread, I began to let the weaknesses in writing and fail characterizations bother me; ‘tis why I clicked on the “mature fanfiction” link on a certain website who shall remain nameless.

New Moon: I am not a Jacob fan, sorry. Mostly because his biggest failure is choosing a girl who wasn’t good enough for him. That makes sense right now, and it probably won't make sense tomorrow, but whatev. I won’t lie, though- the scene in Volterra where Edward's all “Carlisle was right” is my favorite in the series. Aside from the “leg hitch heard ‘round the world”, which is a phrase I stole from someone in the Gazebo. I think?

Eclipse: love/hate. This is when I really start questioning Edward Cullen’s motives, man. He’s so fucking manipulative in this one, which I love and would hate it if it were me being manipulated. The thing is, I can see why Bella was so blind-sided by Edward; we all were, initially (those of us who actually like the book, anyway). You see what S.Meyer wanted you to see, and you fell in love with Edward, too. But for me, with each re-read, his character quirks started making me question him, completely. Like, why was he a virgin for so long? Why such a fucking hold-out? Sure, it’s romantic to think that a guy waited for you, and maybe I admire it, but I’m not entirely sure, man. I write sex scenes and get a little horny; he sees people’s dirtiest fantasies and does nothing about it. Come on. What kind of guy is like that? Maybe a complete gentleman, maybe not.

Breaking Dawn: alright, look. I didn’t hate the book, even though it definitely fails. They got married, they had sex, Bella became a vamp, Edward stuck around. Those were my conditions going into it, those conditions were met. The fact that Jacob was given more personality than Edward stung. Edward was mysteriously missing from the thing. Needed more Jasper. ALICE FUCKING LEFT. Rosalie was never redeemed (Rose is the unsung hero of Twilight, if you ask me). And don’t get me started on the plotline-that-wasn’t-supposed-to-be-possible.

Anyone else have any thoughts on the books?

-wtvoc

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I wanted to know if u guys are going to finish Saturday School and of course Must Have Been Love... I seriurously love ur stories and Im going trough withdrawal without updates on those.

Thank you so much for ur stories, and keep em coming
Lilly

Dear Lil-

Check your inbox. No Saturday School, though; I fear that one may never finish.

Sorry.

-wtvoc

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Dear WTVOC,

I've noticed an epidemic in Twific that I'm concerned and ultimately frustrated about.

I’ve tried to take and apply the advice that Alice and Rosalie offer Bella in the countless club/dancing scenes that have been plaguing Twifiction, but I can’t seem to attain her acquired grace.

How does someone as clumsy and uncoordinated as Bella manage to seductively "sway and grind" against Edward every single time they are at a club simply by “feeling the music” even though she has never danced before?

Am I simply handicapped or does that shit happen in real life?

From,

Dead Serious

Dear Joker:


Well, here’s the thing. Mary Sue Swan does a lot of shit in fic that we writers dream about. I’m an old bitch and prefer to write about the stuff I have done because it’s easier to write. My lack of imagination is my true motivation for writing, really. But a lot of stuff is written that you can tell the author has no experience with, whether it’s sex, living in Seattle, being a doctor (oh god, my biggest pet peeve is medical shit. I have a medical background, and those errors drive me craaaaaaazy. My husband can’t even watch old ERs with me because I rant at the television.) or you get the picture.

Is there something wrong with this? Nah. A lot of people pull off their stories with good research, and only those who are some sort of expert on the subject know the difference (especially with all the fics dealing with some sort of psychological condition that you see lately).

But as for dancing? Well. I like to shake my ass and these hips don’t lie, but I’m in it for the fun. How does a clumsy, graceless oaf suddenly turn into Jenna Jameson on the dance floor?

Wishful thinking. No, it’s not you.

-wtvoc

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Jasper Hale Question o’the Week:

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

As ever, I appreciate your insightful response to my inquiry on behalf of my brother and his betrothed. Alice was able to keep Bella's embarrassment concerning the topic to a minimum by discussing your advice with her privately. Edward was alternately touched by your compliment regarding his virtue and offended by what he perceived to be an insult to his... stamina. Regardless, he begrudgingly listened to your advice and seems to be slightly more optimistic about the human's survival, if not her enjoyment.

I apologize for failing to address the question regarding vampires' ticklishness last week. The short answer is that I am not ticklish. However, neither is anyone in my family, nor have I encountered any ticklish vampire in my many years of existence. I am aware that many humans are ticklish, and I became curious about the difference. Wanting to be as thorough as possible, I asked Carlisle to address the issue. He was kind enough to draft a written response.
Ticklishness is a neurological response to stimuli. This much is easily understood. What is more difficult to assess is why some humans seem to be more ticklish than others, and why even some humans seem to have very little tickle response at all. I believe some of the theories on this issue may also answer the question of why vampires do not seem to be ticklish.

Many scientists believe that ticklishness is an evolutionary development. They theorize that the tickle response developed in humans as a defense against insects and spiders, a physiological response alerting the body to a specific type of threat. This theory explains why particularly vulnerable areas of the human body - feet, abdomen, and armpits - are among the most ticklish.

Vampires, having skin that is impervious to insect bite or burrowing, would not have developed such a physiological response.

I hope this answers your kind reader's question to her satisfaction.

As it would happen, my question to you this week dovetails nicely with a topic you desired us to discuss. In your column last week, you featured what appears to be a still image from a film loosely based upon my family. It would appear that the talented thespians in the photograph are certainly giving their all in the scene.

With the exception of Bella, the members of my family have all existed since the earliest days of filmmaking, and our eidetic memories provide us with the means to have lively discussion about which actors we think could best portray us. Therefore, my question to you this week is this: if you could cast each member of the Cullen family with any actor, living or dead, who would you select?

Until next week,
Jasper Hale

P.S. Rosalie, perhaps justifiably, does not believe any human actress could adequately portray her superhuman beauty. Nevertheless, I would still be interested in your selection.

Dear Mr. Hale

I am rather satisfied with your tickling answer, and I agree with it to an extent. I’ve read a theory that states tickling is sexual in nature, and I won’t lie- I rather hoped you would’ve addressed that, but alas.

I’m keeping it short because your question is going to be answered in a major page rape kind of way. Consider yourselves warned. If you don’t know who the followering actors are, shame on you. Or you can just ask.

Twilight, as cast by withthevampsofcourse:

Non-Vamps


Bella Swan:



Charlie Swan:



Renee Dwyer:



Jacob Black:

(shut up. my column, my choice.)

The Cullens


Edward Cullen:




Carlisle Cullen:




Esme Cullen:




Emmett Cullen:





Rosalie Hale:




Jasper Hale:




Alice Cullen:




The Other Vamps


James:




Victoria:




Laurent:




The Volturi


Aro:




Marcus:




Caius:




Jane:




Alec:




Volturi Guards 2 and 3:




Gianna:




Forks High


Mike Newton:




Jessica Stanley:




Lauren Mallory:




Tyler Crowley:




Angela Weber :




Ben Cheney:




Aaaaand Garrett:




Disagree? Have a better option? Wanna give me a job as a casting director? Comment below, or write me a scathing email.
-wtvoc

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‘Til next week, gents. Stay classy. Don’t forget to write to your dirty uncle: dearwtvoc@gmail.com .

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withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. And likewhoa, she’s actually updating today!

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"poker face" i forever dedicate to the americnxidiot

How is everyone this fine afternoon? Oh, me? I’m well. I had to move stuff into storage all day, but it’s cool since I’m SEEING NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TONIGHT.

---

So here it is, I'm showing my ignorance to the world. I fully expect things to be thrown at me and I'm ready for it, but fuck I NEED an answer to this question I actually feel it driving me insane.

Where the fuck (is swearing allowed on here?) did the last names McCarty, Brandon, and Whitlock come from? They seem to be the designated last names for AH fics. Which for the first ooh say the first 7 months or so of my obsession I didn't even think twice about but now it's keeping me up at night and that shit has to be remedied. Did the gods of Twilight fanfiction all sit down one day, randomly pick these names and decree that only these can be used? Were these names mentioned somewhere in the original books? I can't bring myself to read them again ever since I went into labor reading Breaking Dawn (fuuun 48 hours those were, was convinced my baby was going to rip his way through my stomach...fucking drugs) I don't know! and I need to know!

So there it is. I admitted that I am a failure in obsession with Twilight, help me get back on track!

signed: still has nightmares of vampire babies

Dear Friend of Renesmee:

An excellent question, indeed. These names are, in fact, canon last names. But I always take “canon” to mean “from the original source”, in this case- the S.Meyer.
In an interview Mama Meyer did for something, she was asked what the last names were. She gave background info as well as full name-age. I found it on the Lexicon, and here’s the link if you desire: Twilight Lexicon.

I find it amusing to make shit up on the occasion, though. Renee Hotchkiss? That was jandco’s brilliance. Jasper’s parents Colleen and Talbot? That was all me.
You don’t hafta use these last names, of course, but the beauty part about writing the fic is that a lot of legwork is done for you.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Madame/mistress/Unholy mother,

I've been a lurker in this fandom for a year and have yet to make myself known in any of the forums. My reasoning? I'm scared shitless. I want to write, but it'll never live up to the greats. I want to review, but what could I possibly say that hasn't already been said before? I want to comment on issues and raise topics of my own, but I fear my cahones have yet to drop, thus leaving me with constant paranoia and an unhealthy dose of low self esteem.

Words of advice? Or perhaps, an inspirational song?

Ever devoted,
Alia

Dearly devoted, we are gathered here today to:

Just do it, man.

I’m sure you’ve been to forums and seen the chatter. Not everything we say is worthy of being posted, but that’s half the fun. Forums are a good place to let your hair down. Just be wary of those who want to pick fights, that’s my warning. Most people are lovely and accommodating, though. Just like real life.

Leave reviews. Have you ever read reviews for stories? Not all reviews are mind-blowing, and all but the rude ones are appreciated, even though there are those (me me me) who grumble about it. I do enjoy them, because even an UPDATE NOW means that there is love.

I’ll be encouraging and say post one review. Do it. Today. Go to your favorite story, and leave a simple “I love this story.” It’s liberating. Soon, you’ll find yourself reviewing all over the place, and getting review replies is always pleasant.
Here’s some encouragement:




-wtvoc

---

Dear WTVOC,

First off, let me say I adore your articles, stories, question/answer segments etc. I have become (I think) a better and more consistant reviewer and like the insight into the minds of writers. I am not witty nor do I write well but I read with the best of them and fulfill my little role in the fandom.

My question is this....do you feel guilt bailing on a story, not as a writer but as a reader? I have many stories on alert and in the past few months I have noticed around five that when I see them pop up with an update, I just delete and don't go to. I feel really bad about that. Mainly, it's because I feel the story has gone on too long without developing the plot either because every new chapter is just about the sexin' which I love but enough already, or it's been 55 chapters of the progatonists ignoring what is blatantly obvious to the reader and other characters. I know how disapointed I am when a writer decides to discontinue or take a story down because I care and have become invested in the story they tell. I feel such guilt then when I give up on a writer and don't see their story to the end. Do you feel this way too?

Thanks,


Insert witty and delightful name here

Dear Bob:

Nope.

The cool thing about this medium of free entertainment we have here is that you get to be as choosy as you want.

Just don’t be rude.

I recently had someone inform me via review that they were removing me from both author and story alert. True, it was because I snidely responded to a question they had about my updating habits, but there you have it.

I know for a fact that some of you out there have 100+ (or 200+, jenn. I’m lookin’ at you) on alert. Yikes! I can barely keep my fics sorted, let alone other’s. So maybe you find a story that consistently updates (not mine, I know, I know) that’s dy-no-mite, and then you get the update for a ho-hum fic, and you click it off alert.

I liken this to having removed Grey’s Anatomy from my TiVo season pass. I simply lost interest. Do I feel guilt? Nope. Only slight annoyance when the girls are all OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE GREY’S LAST NIGHT and then I’m lost. McDreamy turned into a drunkard’s drunk and everyone lost interest in surgery? Harrumph.

Don’t feel bad about it. But make sure you review the stuff you do like.

-wtvoc

---

Saturday school. OK, so I was really enjoying the story line, but noticed that it just stopped. Are you guys letting it go? Just curious! I also wanted to let
you know that I love your writing! (Fan Fic is quickly becoming my new
obsession!!!)
Thanks for any info!
Jerri Lynn

And several others addressed in a similar fashion

Dear Jilted Readers:

First off, as ever, thank you for continuing to have interest in my stories.
I’m taking this opportunity to answer everyone who has emailed to dearwtvoc@gmail.com or PM’d me via twilighted or fanfic or whatever about Saturday School. I don’t usually answer these questions, but here we go. I’m feeling odd today.

SS was a huge collective experiment that went awry.

We would love to get it back on track and have tried several times, but it never seemed fair for jandco and I to simply continue it when the other authors involved weren’t ready with their chapters.

I’ve been sent several snippets of the other character’s stuff, and they’re all golden. Seriously.

We do want to end the story eventually, but until there’s (time) and agreement from all involved, we won’t. I’m sorry, but there it is. Let it be a word of caution to anyone else out there stupid crazy enough to think that it would work to have that many authors involved in such a ridiculously massive (for fanfiction, I know) undertaking: too many cooks spoil the soup.

As for my other fics…. I’ve been much more busy than I care to admit lately. It happens to people, this real life thing. I find that my writing time is severely limited these days, which worries me, as my last semester of school if approaching, and I’ll be busier than ever.

So yeah. I suck at updating, I know. I’m trying. It seems like a cop out to say this, but I’d rather put out a good chapter than update real fast just to update.
Also, jandco and I have been working on a waaaaaay overdue auction fic that we owe wolvesnvamps. She’s amazing for being so patient about it.

So again, thank you for anyone who still reads my stuff. :*

-wtvoc

---

Dear uncle dirty,

there is something that has been bothering me for quite some time.. I was wondering why it is that in 'Twilight' the movie, or actually, the book too, Carlisle doesn't have an english accent.. I mean, he is technically from England, yet there are no mentions of said accent. Is he pulling a Madonna and has forgotten where he's from, therefore, his accent has been lost along the way? or is it simply from years of living in America?

Curious George

Dear Naughty Little Monkey:

I’m going with having been in America for years.

Some people drop their accent to hide where they’re from, too. I would assume Carlisle’s accent is a forgotten one, as well. 400 years ago? He probably speaks a dialect no one would really understand, like Appalachian English or egads, Valley Girl.

I don’t really see Carlisle doing it on purpose, though. The romantic in me likes to think that he murmurs sweet, accented nothings in Esme’s ear when they’re bonin’.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Dirty Uncle In Which I Admire You More Than My Own Uncle, (that's sad, isn't it?)


I'm having a problem. You have probably answered this question a million times, but I have not found my answer yet. I started reading FF in the early year of 2009, which says I am newbie to all of this, but really, I spend a lot of time learning the rules and advice on writing FF. I want to write a fic, but I just can't seem to do it due to the many things you have to take responibility for. Maybe it's the intimidation, but I am scared to no end when I think of writing a fic. Though, I do want to write a fic. I have many idea's that I can involve the Twicharacters in. It's confusing to me, but the feeling is there. I need a start. All I can come up with is a title and a small starter-off-plot.

When you started out, what did you do wtvoc? My problem is the intimidation and the responsiblity with writing a fic.

Thanks, TLYDF for making my days more special. And to wtvoc for making me laugh so hard I spilt my current soda on my laptop.. thanks.

-Nervousyetwilling

Dear Nerve Swilling:

Me? I had an idea and sat down and wrote.

I felt ridiculous doing it, too. I mean… Boycotts & Barflies had finished posting. Blondie was working on some AH magnificence. Passion Fish was out there.

Who the hell was I?

I wrote about eight chapters before I started posting. I had a friend I had made on twilighted check that shit to make sure I wouldn’t get laughed at.

We dared each other to post. Which we did.

I’m glad we did. I’ve made amazing friends because of it.

Look, I’m glad for all this fanfiction thing has brought to me by way of hilarity and friendships, but it’s hard once you get going. I’d advise you to finish the fic before posting, but I can’t seem to follow my own advice. Like I said, I had an idea and went with it. It really depends on the type of writer you are.

Just sit down and start typing. Who knows? Maybe you’re the next Great American Fanfictionist (it’s an expression, Canadians/Brits/Phillipinos/Ozzies/etc). You’ll never know until you try.

As for responsibility… yeah. I’m not saying anything more than I wish some people out there would take this as seriously as you do. I understand that this is fanfiction, but come on. There are kids reading this stuff. I felt guilty posting Welcome Home, but when you read some of the stuff that’s out there now, I just laugh at that old guilt.

But if you want to write the super-smutty… just know that I have gotten a LARGE number of PMs from people under 15 who wanted my opinion on the smut they wrote. D: D: D: D: D:

There’s other responsibility issues, too, but I don’t feel very srs bsns right now.
Just… use your judgment. If you’d feel uncomfortable letting your mom read it, maybe that should be a clue? I don’t know, I don’t really have any morals.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Dirty Uncle,

There's been a lot of fuss in fanland regarding flames, rude reviews, and mean PMs. I've three questions for you since you've received some very, um, colorful reviews/PMs that would fall in this category and you probably have a strong opinion or two.

Would you care to share a choice selection of these comments?

What is your advice to the poor authors who are receiving these disheartening reviews/PMs?

What are your suggestions to readers who may occasionally feel compelled to write potentially hurtful words?

Thank you and I hope you have a great weekend!


Let's Save Their Feelingsgal

Dear Emo Crusader:

Yes, I’ve had many a colorful message sent my way.

No, I won’t share. Not because I don’t want to, but I don’t want to single anyone out. That strikes me as rude, y’know? Like, I’m obnoxious, but not that obnoxious. Then again, I referred to one up there somewhere, so maybe I’m much ruder than I thought.

As to the people getting ‘em… do your best to ignore. They get to me sometimes, too. I have to shrug it off. Life’s too short to let the words of strangers affect you. I’ve had to talk people off of ledges, and I’ve been talked down myself. It’s silly, but the thing is- we put a lot of effort into these stories, even if they’re “only fanfiction”. It’s work, and in many cases, there’s a lot of heart going into it. To have someone shred you down, pick on word choice, deliberately obfuscate your intentions just to make you feel bad? It’s like someone giving you a poor performance review at work, only more jarring because this is what we do in our spare time for fun.

As for potential haters… please, just… don’t. If you want to be a dick, have the guts to do it to someone who can see the whites of your eyes. If you aren’t trying to be a douchebag and want to offer constructive criticism, please understand that most people don’t like negative concrit. And definitely, definitely do it via PM. Negative reviews made for public viewing? Rudest of the rude.

I know a lot of the stuff that gets sent wasn’t intentional, and to that, I must repeat some old advice I gave in the Etiquette column I did before this one- reread what you wrote. Self-edit, guys. Demanding updates, offering suggestions on how a story is to be written- this stuff isn’t usually looked upon with favor.

Again- if you wouldn’t send it to your professor/teacher… try rewording it a little. That may help.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Long Lost Dirty Uncle I wish I knew,

So my question for you is about Stoli, Skunk and Sapphire. Ok, so this has been irking me and some girls I talk to. Chapter 2 of S,S&S our fuckawesome Ginsper is in a bar singing a Kelly Clarkson song. I am curious as to which Kelly Clarkson song my favorite gentleman, Ginsper, would choose to sing?

Also, I must say, I saw you are receiving letters from Mr. Hale himself (you lucky lady you!). I was wondering if you might be able to inquire from him the next time you hear from him, if he is ticklish. A friend and I were randomly chatting, and don't ask me how or why because I can not remember, but tickling Jasper came up. So since I am already asking you something and I see he enjoys speaking with you - I hope you have the chance to ask him!

Thanks!
Jessica

Dear Ms. Stanley:






It’s actually fitting for the story.

Well, Mr. Hale?

-wtvoc

---

Dear wtvoc,

Okay, I'll bite.

From last week's LYDF:
"But so many amazing fic!wards have been created that I would put him in the middle of all Edwards, if I were ever so immature that I’d rank them (someone please ask me to do this)."

I would strongly agree with this statement. The fic Edwards are oh-so-much better than canon Edward. I think that I've blurred the line between fic and canon to the point that if I ever reread the books(the horror, never!) I'd find myself wondering, where in the hell is the pumpkin? How come Jasper doesn't have an affinity for gin and wearing a fedora? I thought Bella was into extreme sports?

So, rank'm, dearie. Give us what you got.
Jvegas

Dear Vegas, Baby, Vegas:

ACK YOU WEREN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO ASKED

Okay, if I neglect to add a _ward, I apologize. This was done on the fly.
I decided to let y’all decide for me. Pick your five favorite Edwards. I chose random fics, and I haven’t even read all of them. These were suggested from several sources.

Things to consider:

-would you kick him outta bed?

-would you kill him (or would he kill you?)

-would his cute “thing” eventually irritate the ever-living shit outta you?

-could you take him home to meet mom?

-is the thought of standing in front of him making you weep with desire?
Okay, click away:

Which fic Edward is the best?
	Boycotts and Barflies- consider the body shots
	Sanctuary- consider the lasagna
	Teenage Angst Brigade- consider the dresser sex
	Creature of Habit- consider the concert shirts
	Behind Enemy Lines- consider mana mila
	edwardcullen by muckymuckerson- consider it the best canon edward POV you'll ever read
	Twilight- consider the dazzle?
	Midnight Sun- consider the thing with the guy who harassed bella, 'cuz that wasn't too shabby
	Scotch, Gin and the New Girl- consider Target
	Cullen's Island- consider duct tape, janitor's closets, and Darling Nikki
	Piano Lessons- consider the spanking
	I Hate Myself For Loving You- consider being stuffed up Edward's shirt
	the Antidote- consider taco bell chalupas
	Tropic of Virgo- consider the chat lyrics
	Realize- consider the Abercrombie photoshoot
	Hydraulic Level 5- consider the heartfail
	Abbracciare il Cantante- consider wearing Alice's itsy bitsy bikini in the hot tub with him
	Irritable Grizzly Adams- consider the intensity
	Bonne Foi- consider the arrogance and lust
	Hiding in Plain Sight- consider the burnt toast
	Deconstructing Dracula- consider the Impaler
	Wide Awake- consider the cookies
	Salacious Behavior and Earnestly Speaking- consider the art house films
	Unexpected- consider the tattoos
	Cascade and Cyanide- consider the Moleskins
	Coming to Terms- consider the complicated sensitivity thing

Poll (snicker. I said “pole”) results shall get posted next week! (I love having others decide for me)

-wtvoc

---

Jasper Hale Question of the Week:


Dear Ms. Wtvoc –

Your easy wit continues to impress. Edward may have appeared underwhelmed by the juxtaposition of your “large bow staff” and “that’s pretty fuckin’ hot” comments, but… please refer to the bow staff remark. The rest of the family (excepting the human) was alternately amused or intrigued by your recommendations. Esme was especially touched that you thought to include her. Emmett has enthusiastically embraced your suggestion and has been driving Rosalie to distraction with his constant viewing of QVC.

Alice’s response to your occupation choices for the family: “She is close enough.” She declined to share at what point your visions diverged, but she didn’t seem concerned. If Edward was privy to Alice’s visions, he was too preoccupied to discuss it with me. The human pitched a bit of a fit about her potential relegation to the inside of a mall; however, my brother swept her off to lands unknown and she returned outwardly calmer, and inwardly, merely peeved.

It seems you have been rather bogged down with vacations and other activities as of late; I hope you have enjoyed them all and found some much-deserved respite. In respect, this week’s letter will be quite light – more a reaction than taxing query.

I noted your interest in ranking the Edwards. I am certain someone has already expressed her desire for you to do this – at least, I hope so; Edward’s display of disinterest in the answer to this question is a simple front. In the interest of pure conceit, who are your most and least favorite Jaspers? Just one of each would be sufficient, as I am loathe to tax you or take from your time with your family.

Until next time,
Jasper Hale

P.S. Perhaps someday you can stop by my museum. I would be happy to emerge from my office to answer any question you present. It is only fair, after all.


Dear Mr. Hale:

I hope my wry observations of Edward didn’t make him go all emotive on you. If so, I do apologize. I simply couldn’t resist the opportunity to poke at him. He’s too serious. Buy him a Weird Al CD or something.

Thank you for noticing my lack of time, too. There’s a rather large pile of laundry to my left, staring at me; judging me. All in due time, mr. wtvoc’s Dickies. All in due time.

As for your question:

The truth of the matter is that not a lot of Jaspers are memorable out there. Oh, sure; Jasper is a big “fad” in the fandom right now; there’s a bumper crop of You fics, and some of them are really damned good. It's a good turn, and I wonder who's next?

Again, lemme rec A Murmur of Fire in the Vein by elleCC.

And I won’t lie, not even one bit- my favorite Jasper is, hands down, Scotch Jasper.

But Teenage Angst Brigade Jasper and his Smiths shirt and fixation with boobs was also amazing.

I Hate Myself For Loving You’s Jasper was adorably big-brothery clueless. In fact, I think he should be played by 1991 Paul Rudd in the film version.

For vampy Jasper, I liked When Darkness Turns to Light. That was yum.

Also, any Jasper written by Minisinoo. Cowboys & Indians? Amputated at the Neck? I once told her that was the best character study of Jasper I’d ever read.

I will refrain from naming bad Jaspers, though. I hope you understand. It’s not very politic of me, but it’s something I’d be willing to discuss over those corn-fed rib-eyes.

-wtvoc

---

That’s all for now, chickens. Don’t forget to vote in the Indies, and voting for the Bellies starts on the 15th! (That’s Wednesday, for those of you who didn’t get a Twilight calendar.

Send your questions, life observations, general inquiries, and Comicon-related requests for information to dearwtvoc@gmail.com . Nanoo nanoo.

---

withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. but first, there’s a new kids on the block concert coming up this weekend!

---

a very special episode of ask wtvoc

A holiday! Or two! Happy day to Canadialand, and happy birthday, America! Your dirty uncle is out of town! This is odd for me, that I wrote this ahead of time instead of asking my Lady to do my homework for me. I sure hope nothing good happens while I’m gone. I’d hate to seem out of touch in this ever-changing fandom of ours.
Let’s hope Mr. Hale responds to me in time; I seem to have misplaced his email, and I need it resent.. WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR DIRTY UNCLE, GMAIL? WHYYYYY?

---

Dear wtvoc,

I have a problem. It seems that my obsession with fanfiction has reached a point where I can do nothing but. I can't do homework and I can't study, because the moment I turn my computer on, I check my emails, which leads to a whole load of things. Which is really bad because I have tonnes of tests coming up that I really need to study for -- and I can't.

Anyway, my question is: Do you have any study techniques that could somehow relate science and maths and history and geography and everything else school-y to Twilight or fanfiction? Any ideas at all to help me study, or maybe actually enjoy doing schoolwork? Any? I'm getting desperate! I don't want to fail just because fanfiction rules me life and I have no self control.... Help me, please!


Love,

~drift


Dear Sideways Driver:

I have the same problem, but now that it’s summer, replace “studying” with “housework”.

There are 3 solutions to your problem, none of them without complications:

1. Nothing. Continue as you are.

a. Untoward side effects: alienation from those who used to love you; failing grades/dirty house/dirty skivvies (assuming you wear them); slovenly appearance; lack of social graces; saying “oh em gee” in mixed company; eventual inability to discern fanfiction from reality. Not recommended.

2. Cut it out, cold turkey.

a. Untoward side effects: the shakes. Becoming a junkie for something else. Referring to fanfiction authors as “old friends”; continuing to compare real life to fanfiction storylines; returning to canon!Twilight in an attempt to re-create the lost love. Not recommended.

3. Force yourself to balance.

a. Untoward side effects: the shakes. Arguments with the important figures in your life when you try to explain why you “need” to check your email; distraction at social functions when deciding whether to check your Blackberry for updates; cleaner laundry that still never gets folded; better communication with significant others that occasionally ends with eyes rolled on the part of both parties. Recommended form of rehabilitation.

In short, dear- you need to find a balance, or one day you’ll look around and realize you can’t remember the last time you cleaned your bed sheets. And that’s just gross. The Dirty Uncle does not approve.

We’ve all been there, don’t worry. Some of us are still there.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Uncle WTVOC

I've noticed a surfeit of fics lately that (imho) are just too damn long. Twilight attracts some fantastic authors and there's never a problem with variety or depth of fics to choose from. But it feels like lately there are more and more of these mammoth Russian Novel length fics and less novellas and one-shots. Problem is half the time fanfiction stories by inexperienced writers just doesn't sustain 45 10k chapters. I read so many stories where the premise is cool and intriguing and the writing is really good. But then around 20 or so chapters in I find my interest flagging. The story is strung out so thinly... with authors repeat a similar scene over and over or invent new and ever-more-dubious dramas that seem to exist only to prolong the HEA. Sometimes I wonder if the goal is just to keep writing until the story makes it to 1k reviews. These stories would be SO much better i reckon if they were snappier. A good fic's a quick fic!


Of course there are some fics where epic length is absolutely justified (Hydraulic Level 5 I'm looking right at you).


Am I just an impatient brat? Do you think most fanfictions lend themselves better to novel or short-story length?

thanks,

twistedkites.


Dear Twisty:

HL5 ain’t epic long. It’s exactly the right length. (TWSS)

The short answer is that most people don’t outline, or they don’t know how to end it.

The cynical answer is that they’re waiting for more reviews.

Oofah, that sounds bitchy. But I bet some are like that. It kinda feels that way, right? I once read a fic that had, and I shit you not here, two consecutive chapters including “I love you, Bella” “I love you, Edward” paragraphs littered throughout. And that’s pretty much what the entire update was.

And like a sucker, I read it.

I think it’s fairly obvious when the author doesn’t know where they’re going with a story. You can feel it the moment your eyes start to drift to the stack of unpaid bills next to your monitor.

Me, I’d rather wait six months in between updates than post drivel I could write off the top of my head (like this?). But not everyone does that. They feel the pressure from the reviews to UPDATE SOON PLZ LOL, so they put out any old thing.

Just… if you don’t like the length, don’t read. tl;dr it in your head (because it’s rude to leave that in a review, chickadees) and remove it from your alerts.

As for which format fanfiction belongs in, it depends. My lady jandco keeps her stuff short and sweet, but not everyone has her amazing aptitude at saying exactly what needs to be said without embellishment.

Then again, The Puppet Master has 3216543513541 chapters and maintains integrity.

So eh. Some fics could be one-shots; some one-shots should be expanded.

Continue to keep in mind that we are, most of us, supreme amateurs.

-wtvoc

---

Dear Writer of All Things Good,

How did your husband/family react when they found out you were a Twilight Addict?

Better yet, how did your husband react to you finding your soulmate (Jandco)?

Do you shy away from outsiders knowing of the fact you write fanfiction? Or are you all about promoting it to the unsuspecting victims?

With love,

Sarah.

Dearest Syrah:

My husband figured it out on his own. His dirty boxers were his first clue.

I have no problem telling people, though. Most of my professors know I do this in my spare time.
(my degree is a bachelor in science, not the arts)

As for jandco and mr. wtvoc… he texts her more than he texts me. He understands that he’ll use the couch when she moves in. I text mr. jandco, but he feels like my love has waned recently. Our men are too damned clingy.

-wtvoc

---

Dear unclean brother of parental.

Does Rob make everyone spontaneously... tingly?! I think I have stalker issues. i screamed a little (little being a lie) evertime his sex jaw was on my tv screen during the MTV awards. uuuh. anyway, brings me onto my question.. Rob or Edward? huh? Srsly! i mean, i fell in love with Eduardo first... but fuck me, have you seen the sex jaw?

sincerly, holeyheeses.


Dear Heezy, Full of Holes:

I hate to say it… but not everyone loves the Rob. Sorry.

And one thing has become clear to me in my wanderings in and out of Twi-related communities… not everyone loves Edward, either.

I think this is why so many AH fics exist. Because we are unsatisfied with the canon character.

I, personally, like Rob as an actor. He’s hot, surely. I do not fall into the “flat face” category of hate. Not a-tall.

But I get why he turns a lot of girls off.

Me? I like me some scruffy, grungy, flustered BritBoy.

Edward? Not so much. I’ve been rereading canon lately, and I’m left a little bit… wanting. Hmm. I did love Edward when I started out though; I won’t be too cool for school and hide that I initially thought he was a tasty slice of immortal ~dazzle. But so many amazing fic!wards have been created that I would put him in the middle of all Edwards, if I were ever so immature that I’d rank them (someone please ask me to do this).

-wtvoc

---

wtvoc bonus: see if you can guess who penned the following question. I’m onto you, emo lady.

---

Dearest Filthy Uncle,

Lingo fucking frightens me. Acronyms are getting way out of hand, don't you think? Isn't it a little ironic that, as writers we are too lazy to type full terms in anything that isn't a chapter? Okay, okay, so in summaries or on (evil) Twitter, there are word limits. I accept this, though I loath it, in my own, silent fashion. Sometimes, someone will toss me an acronym, and I'll be utterly clueless. I've had this happen with popular terms like "NGL" and more recently "KWIM." I'm forced to either, A.) Fess up to the chatee about my ignorance and risk certain mockery, B.) Google that motherfucker in secrecy, then act all knowing when I find it ("Pfft. I totally agree, ngl...kwim?"), or C.) Use context clues to decipher it on my own (and, boy, I feel really proud when I do...)

Even though I can appreciate the irony, I myself am a big fan of acronyms. I like capitalizing the consonants of importance, tis true. Why be wordy can you can be... lettery...

But there are things like, "bb," and "hdu," which don't even follow the rules of common acronym creation. Admittedly, this has thrown me off on more than one occasion. "BB" could stand for "Bethaboo," or "Busty Business," or "Beasty Banter." And "HDU" could easily be "Healthy Dolphin Undergrads," or "Hairy Dude Unification," or (my initial assumption) "Happy Dicks Unite."

I've noticed that people often refer to their fave stories by way of acronym. But... I can't possibly know every story acronym, and there's no way to Google that. Context clues are moot, so I end up asking people wtf (<--- more irony) they are talking about. This results in a little resentment on my part, especially when I get replies like, "Oh, everyone knows that story," followed by a scoff of condescension.

So, my question is: When is it acceptable to acronym? (<--- Yeah, I verbed that biatch...) It hasn't escaped my attention that your name gets acronymed with frequency.

Should there be a process, and if so, what is it? Have you ever been stumped by the lettery people of fandom? Do expound.

LYLAS (<--- Old Skool Lettery...),
Wordy Emo in Hiding

o hai thurr bb:

ORLY. OICWUDT. ONYD. LULZ. OMG, HDU QUESTION THIS. EITHER STFU OR GTFO OR STFD.

Solly, that wuz r00d.

Thiz fandom is made for teh poast that is epic. negl, but idgaf, js. Sum stuff should diaf, but FML, I cunt stop.

nfi y sum cunt write coherently. I often wanna say “lolololol wut?” cuz idek wass happening.

jsyk, I can haz difficulty reeding dis shizz, but w/e. jfc, this is hard. TWSS.

ikr?

Guuuurrrlll, DNW. MUST STOP. Instead, lettuce discuss ur udder question. Donut hate me for the above.

trufaxx, but I often adopt chat-speak in eljays, speaking the local lingo. Kinda like Madonna being pretentious and calling them “crisps” when she could just as charmingly say “hand me the fucking potato chips, Brit.” I mean, what the hale. Totes ridic, totes tard. Whatevs. Sometimes I wanna MDK poasts like this. ~brb volterra

The internet seems to exist to make people feel clever sometimes, no? Coming up with inventive ways to express yourself is something we’ve all been doing since we learned that boys have a peeps and girls have a vadge. Acronym-speak is the lebret/eyebrow piercing of the aughts.

However, if anyone out there finds themselves saying “oh em gee” like, out loud?

facepalm.gif . js.

-wtvoc

PS- if you get all of the above references, I applaud you. Or feel sorry for you, I’m not sure which just yet.

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Dear Wtvoc,

Why is Jessica always a slut in fics? Why does she always have std's?

Love
Jess

Dear Slutty Jess:

Jessica seems to be the convenient scapegoat in lighter fare; I’ve noticed in the M-rated fics, Tanya is often the go-to gal for the rude, the whore-tastic, the perfectly manicured fingernails.
Canon!Jessica was a bitch. Even in Midnight Sun, she’s insincere. We readers picked up on that pretty handily. Canon!Victoria was a flat-out crazed murderer and Canon!Tanya’s only discernable flaw was having the hots for Edward. Well, okay. I guess you could argue being the original Succubus is bad, but personally, I think it’s both hot and rad. But Jessica and Lauren? Catty, bitchy high school teenagers.

Here’s the thing- everyone in the fandom has read Twilight at least once (well, okay. Maybe that was true say, eight months ago, but I’m sure there’re people who are here from the movie, ugh).

Reading a book, you get infused with subtleties that maybe at the time went unnoticed, but they stick with you. Especially when the book resonates, whether it’s for good or bad reasons.

We read Jessica as a slightly catty gossip girl, and that’s what we take into fic.

Unfortunately, the character isn’t interesting enough for people to want to do her justice. Why would we, when Angela is a much more suitable friend?

Here’s my question for you- was this prompted by the name? Are you personally vested in this?

Do you need me to recommend a good cream?

-wtvoc

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Cher Oncle Sale,


I am in the mood for a rant. Whether this is rant worthy we shall see, but ... what is your beef with Coldplay and John Meyer? This intrigues me, surely. Is it the attitudes, occasional whine, ivory influences or the endless, syncopated acoustic guitar riffs? Perhaps all or none of these things? I'd love the laundry list, if but well explained.


Looking forward to being set straight,
RAEcouter

Dear I’m Listening:

You asked for it.

I love me some whiny, self-indulgent rock. But sometimes, super nasally gentle male British voices really piss my shit off. And for whatever reason, Chris Martin’s does this to me.

I really wish I could say the thought of his insipid face singing this song (for I felt to adequately convey my distaste that I must be listening to the swill) is what inspires my distaste, but it’s just…. I don’t know. The same quality others probably love is just what turns me off.

Also… have you ever listened to Coldplay? Yucky poo. “Look at the staaaaars…. See how they shyine for yooooooou….” No, thank you.

And don’t get me started on this:



WHAT’RE YOU REACHING FOR, MARTIN? WHAT? YOU NEVER RULED MY WORLD, JSYK

Fuck, I’m all cheesed off that I just included Chris Martin’s Orange-on-a-Toothpick-sized head in my column. Goddom. I need to fix it, stat.



There. Ahh, the dulcet tones of Foo & Co. Dave Grohl. Rrrr ruff ruff ruff. Are you taking notes, Martin? Are ya? This is what Rock n Roll Divinity looks like. Please note: un-stupid mustache, clothes by Hanes and Levis. Clear passion for what he’s singing about, not artfully pouting about yellow stars or worlds ruled.

But Dirty Uncle, you say. Grohl wins by virtue of the fact that he knew Kurt. Unfair advantage.

Ah, dear reader; that’s exactly what I mean. I love Gwyneth, but Gwyneth- you, madam, are no Kurt. You’re not even Courtney Love. (side note number 1: have you seen Frances Bean lately? Guuuurl, she’s gorge.)

And there’s another thing. Apple? Who names their kid Apple? He’s infused her with his self-important, boring personality before she was even born. The poor girl has been set up to wear scarves in June and make statements like “I want to be a model” when she’s all of twelve. Poor Apple. Doomed to eat brown rice and wear vegan-approved clothing in her early years. I’m sure she’ll go through a rebellion at some point and crunch a delicious piece of antibiotic-infused, non-free range bacon in her parent’s faces; this will be followed by the artistic phase in which she designs her own line of retro-inspired clutches/tweener panties/Ugg Boots, smokes cigarettes from a Swarovsi-encrusted holder designed by some unassailably hip, hot, and lamentably (due to his hotness) gay up-and-coming designer, who will consider her his muse.

(side note number 2: I love, love, love Nichole Ritchie’s line of jewelry House of Harlow 1960. It’s v. choice, js)

To all celeb bbs out there, lettuce take a page from the book of Lourdes. She don’t need no stinking last name, just like mama. Sometimes I stalk browse pictures of her and think to myself “fuck, where was I when I was twelve? Not dressed to the nines and looking fiercer than most 20-year-olds, that’s for damned sure.”

Lettuce drop the Martin before I give myself apoplexy.

As far as John Mayer goes, the douchebag is simply too smug for me. He writes what I call “frat boy rock”, and I include Hootie & the Blowfish in this here category. Just… smug. Smug White Boy music.

John Mayer’s not bad, really. I just don’t like ‘im. The thing that redeems him is that he embraces his douchiness. He’s an unapologetic manwhore, and he rather enjoys that. C. Mart is too… serious about himself. Like, I feel like I should be a struggling artist working in a job that’s beneath me to listen to Coldplay. Mayer? Nawww. You could totally use Mayer if you’re trying to get into a bimbo’s pants. Throw in some Lady Gaga (who is growing on me, despite the white, shiny clothing thing) and you’re there, buddy.

But Coldplay? Ucky. I guess I understand the appeal, and someone once explained to me that Coldplay did for them what Radiohead does for me (my immediate response being HDU COMPARE COLDPLAY TO RADIOHEAD), but I guess that’s enough for me. To each his own. I try not to dwell on negatives too much, but Coldplay just… no.

Please understand, I do not think less of anyone who listens to Coldplay or Mayer. This, as always, is my opinion, and something I could rant about for pages. In fact, I called jandco up and said: “Chris Martin. Discuss.” She’s the one who brought up Apple. I was content to leave it at whiny pretention. We talked about this at length.

But if I get sent rare Coldplay B-sides and rarities after this, I will cut you off. Forever.

-wtvoc

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Jasper Hale Question of the Week

J- thank you for resending your email. I was quite ill-tempered without it. -w

Dear Ms. Wtvoc –

This week’s question is a bit different. I request your advice, if I may.

My family and I, for the first time in a good number of years, are contemplating joining the workforce in lieu of attending high school or college. We’ve all grown a bit weary of the ennui that frequently accompanies our forays into formalized education; it has become particularly taxing on me.

We would, of course, require professions that would not call into question our youthful appearances. If requisite, the acquisition of necessary credentials would be of little difficulty. Although Carlisle would frown upon any of us without the proper schooling – or restraint – choosing to practice medicine, general training for other vocations should not be an issue; we have all had opportunity to study numerous subjects and are extraordinarily quick learners (there is plenty of time for reading while the rest of the world sleeps).

Also for your consideration, the human is soon to be a newborn, and will be in no condition either to attend school or to join the workforce. Nevertheless, Edward would like some suggestions for her, as he is (foolishly, in my opinion) hoping she might be encouraged to try additional human experiences and delay the change.

Knowing what you do of us – which is a somewhat limited view, truthfully – have you suggestions for my siblings and me as to appropriate career choices? Alice is somewhat curious about your selections as she wonders how well they will mesh with what she has seen.

Until next time,

Jasper Hale

P.S. Emmett was pleased with your assessment of him and is hoping you will find an occupation that satisfies both his intellect and sense of humor.

Dear Mr. Hale-

You have presented me with an interesting thing to ponder this week. I am totally glad that I got the email in the first place. I had a moment of panic when I realized the internet had eaten it.

So, jobs. Sadly, we’re very limited, because I would like to see Edward as a lifeguard. I feel it suits his overprotective nature, and he wouldn’t need to hold his breath.

Sadly, this is not to happen, for the sparkle-sparkle would surely reveal his vamp nature; I don’t see him lifeguarding an indoor pool, either. It would have to be the beach. I’ll come up with something better.

Rosalie would make an excellent pit stop crew chief for NASCAR; she could easily hide her speed, and, in fact, be commended for it; every man would be in love with her and make eyes at her constantly, so her vanity would be well-served. She’d hafta wear a jumpsuit and hat, so her sparkle would never show. Emmett would enjoy this because his lady would be around fast cars all day, and she’d come home all turned on and dirty. Tell him “you’re welcome” for me.

Alice would make a great Life Coach. She already knows what’s going to happen to people, and she’s very enthusiastic about making everyone into a better version of themselves. She also has no problem being a little Bossy McBosserson, and she could keep late hours, citing “pre-existing life changes that shouldn’t be altered by your demands”.

Emmett is easy. Know how Billy Mays has left us?

His spot needs to be filled, and I think Emmett is just such a replacement.



Bella would work at the mall selling those neck-warming pillows you put in the microwave. No one ever frequents those kiosks, but I feel like it’s just character-building enough that Edward should remain satisfied. Plus, he could continue his holier-than-thou attitude by having her sit on a stool and look bored all day.

As for Edward, I’d go with jazz club owner. Honestly, I’m a bit baffled as to how this hasn’t happened already. He could lord it up, too; kick out acid jazz, invite cool old black men who were funkadelic before George Clinton knotted his first dread to come and jam. He’d rule the piano, of course. It would help him loosen the large bow staff wedged in his ass, too; he’d have to play by other people’s rules in the freestylin’ world of impromptu jazz.

Plus, that’s pretty fuckin’ hot.

As for you, dear friend, I am going with curator of a Civil War museum. Depending on which side of the Mason-Dixon y’all find yourselves on, this could either be a) an excellent way for you to avoid humans as sadly, not many are interested in the War of Northern Aggression as told by a Southern Gentleman or b) an excellent way for you to get used to humans, as I’m sure many are still curious about their roots down South.

You could easily hide behind a desk, choosing which queries to answer with supreme authority. Or, should the urge hit, you could dignify the questions with a personal appearance. It shouldn’t be a problem for you to convince everyone that you’re a Civil War buff, and it all started with your Granddaddy Whitlock, who wove tales of his Grandpappy Tal while teaching you to play chess on his Franklin Mint North vs. South set.

I want to give Esme a job, too. She’s a giver. I could see her teaching a flower arranging class at the adult education learning annex on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.

I assume Carlisle would keep his job as benevolent hospital hottie Big Man on Campus.

I hope these aren’t too far-off from what your wonderful wife has seen. Tell her that her Dirty Uncle says “hello”, if you would.

As ever, a pleasure. Happy Fourth, Mr. Hale.

-wtvoc

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Alright, chickens. Please to be remaining safe while drinking ice-cold beverages, snacking on huge, juicy slices of watermelon, and lighting things on fire. I love the Fourth. Not only is America 233 years old this year, but, well- I’m patriotic as hell, man. I just bought a super-to-the-left magazine that tears Joe Biden about fifteen new a-holes, 150 bucks worth of “kiddie” fireworks, and the world’s largest Vietnamese-style croissant sammich from Lee’s, all while enjoying the freedom to be a tacky asshole and vote against party lines, should I choose to do so. America kicks ass.

Dirty Uncle out. KABOOM.




withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. but first, there’s a new kids on the block concert coming up next weekend

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