Thursday, July 9, 2009

"poker face" i forever dedicate to the americnxidiot

How is everyone this fine afternoon? Oh, me? I’m well. I had to move stuff into storage all day, but it’s cool since I’m SEEING NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TONIGHT.

So here it is, I'm showing my ignorance to the world. I fully expect things to be thrown at me and I'm ready for it, but fuck I NEED an answer to this question I actually feel it driving me insane.

Where the fuck (is swearing allowed on here?) did the last names McCarty, Brandon, and Whitlock come from? They seem to be the designated last names for AH fics. Which for the first ooh say the first 7 months or so of my obsession I didn't even think twice about but now it's keeping me up at night and that shit has to be remedied. Did the gods of Twilight fanfiction all sit down one day, randomly pick these names and decree that only these can be used? Were these names mentioned somewhere in the original books? I can't bring myself to read them again ever since I went into labor reading Breaking Dawn (fuuun 48 hours those were, was convinced my baby was going to rip his way through my stomach...fucking drugs) I don't know! and I need to know!

So there it is. I admitted that I am a failure in obsession with Twilight, help me get back on track!

signed: still has nightmares of vampire babies

Dear Friend of Renesmee:

An excellent question, indeed. These names are, in fact, canon last names. But I always take “canon” to mean “from the original source”, in this case- the S.Meyer.
In an interview Mama Meyer did for something, she was asked what the last names were. She gave background info as well as full name-age. I found it on the Lexicon, and here’s the link if you desire: Twilight Lexicon.

I find it amusing to make shit up on the occasion, though. Renee Hotchkiss? That was jandco’s brilliance. Jasper’s parents Colleen and Talbot? That was all me.
You don’t hafta use these last names, of course, but the beauty part about writing the fic is that a lot of legwork is done for you.


Dear Madame/mistress/Unholy mother,

I've been a lurker in this fandom for a year and have yet to make myself known in any of the forums. My reasoning? I'm scared shitless. I want to write, but it'll never live up to the greats. I want to review, but what could I possibly say that hasn't already been said before? I want to comment on issues and raise topics of my own, but I fear my cahones have yet to drop, thus leaving me with constant paranoia and an unhealthy dose of low self esteem.

Words of advice? Or perhaps, an inspirational song?

Ever devoted,

Dearly devoted, we are gathered here today to:

Just do it, man.

I’m sure you’ve been to forums and seen the chatter. Not everything we say is worthy of being posted, but that’s half the fun. Forums are a good place to let your hair down. Just be wary of those who want to pick fights, that’s my warning. Most people are lovely and accommodating, though. Just like real life.

Leave reviews. Have you ever read reviews for stories? Not all reviews are mind-blowing, and all but the rude ones are appreciated, even though there are those (me me me) who grumble about it. I do enjoy them, because even an UPDATE NOW means that there is love.

I’ll be encouraging and say post one review. Do it. Today. Go to your favorite story, and leave a simple “I love this story.” It’s liberating. Soon, you’ll find yourself reviewing all over the place, and getting review replies is always pleasant.
Here’s some encouragement:



First off, let me say I adore your articles, stories, question/answer segments etc. I have become (I think) a better and more consistant reviewer and like the insight into the minds of writers. I am not witty nor do I write well but I read with the best of them and fulfill my little role in the fandom.

My question is you feel guilt bailing on a story, not as a writer but as a reader? I have many stories on alert and in the past few months I have noticed around five that when I see them pop up with an update, I just delete and don't go to. I feel really bad about that. Mainly, it's because I feel the story has gone on too long without developing the plot either because every new chapter is just about the sexin' which I love but enough already, or it's been 55 chapters of the progatonists ignoring what is blatantly obvious to the reader and other characters. I know how disapointed I am when a writer decides to discontinue or take a story down because I care and have become invested in the story they tell. I feel such guilt then when I give up on a writer and don't see their story to the end. Do you feel this way too?


Insert witty and delightful name here

Dear Bob:


The cool thing about this medium of free entertainment we have here is that you get to be as choosy as you want.

Just don’t be rude.

I recently had someone inform me via review that they were removing me from both author and story alert. True, it was because I snidely responded to a question they had about my updating habits, but there you have it.

I know for a fact that some of you out there have 100+ (or 200+, jenn. I’m lookin’ at you) on alert. Yikes! I can barely keep my fics sorted, let alone other’s. So maybe you find a story that consistently updates (not mine, I know, I know) that’s dy-no-mite, and then you get the update for a ho-hum fic, and you click it off alert.

I liken this to having removed Grey’s Anatomy from my TiVo season pass. I simply lost interest. Do I feel guilt? Nope. Only slight annoyance when the girls are all OHMYGOD DID YOU SEE GREY’S LAST NIGHT and then I’m lost. McDreamy turned into a drunkard’s drunk and everyone lost interest in surgery? Harrumph.

Don’t feel bad about it. But make sure you review the stuff you do like.


Saturday school. OK, so I was really enjoying the story line, but noticed that it just stopped. Are you guys letting it go? Just curious! I also wanted to let
you know that I love your writing! (Fan Fic is quickly becoming my new
Thanks for any info!
Jerri Lynn

And several others addressed in a similar fashion

Dear Jilted Readers:

First off, as ever, thank you for continuing to have interest in my stories.
I’m taking this opportunity to answer everyone who has emailed to or PM’d me via twilighted or fanfic or whatever about Saturday School. I don’t usually answer these questions, but here we go. I’m feeling odd today.

SS was a huge collective experiment that went awry.

We would love to get it back on track and have tried several times, but it never seemed fair for jandco and I to simply continue it when the other authors involved weren’t ready with their chapters.

I’ve been sent several snippets of the other character’s stuff, and they’re all golden. Seriously.

We do want to end the story eventually, but until there’s (time) and agreement from all involved, we won’t. I’m sorry, but there it is. Let it be a word of caution to anyone else out there stupid crazy enough to think that it would work to have that many authors involved in such a ridiculously massive (for fanfiction, I know) undertaking: too many cooks spoil the soup.

As for my other fics…. I’ve been much more busy than I care to admit lately. It happens to people, this real life thing. I find that my writing time is severely limited these days, which worries me, as my last semester of school if approaching, and I’ll be busier than ever.

So yeah. I suck at updating, I know. I’m trying. It seems like a cop out to say this, but I’d rather put out a good chapter than update real fast just to update.
Also, jandco and I have been working on a waaaaaay overdue auction fic that we owe wolvesnvamps. She’s amazing for being so patient about it.

So again, thank you for anyone who still reads my stuff. :*


Dear uncle dirty,

there is something that has been bothering me for quite some time.. I was wondering why it is that in 'Twilight' the movie, or actually, the book too, Carlisle doesn't have an english accent.. I mean, he is technically from England, yet there are no mentions of said accent. Is he pulling a Madonna and has forgotten where he's from, therefore, his accent has been lost along the way? or is it simply from years of living in America?

Curious George

Dear Naughty Little Monkey:

I’m going with having been in America for years.

Some people drop their accent to hide where they’re from, too. I would assume Carlisle’s accent is a forgotten one, as well. 400 years ago? He probably speaks a dialect no one would really understand, like Appalachian English or egads, Valley Girl.

I don’t really see Carlisle doing it on purpose, though. The romantic in me likes to think that he murmurs sweet, accented nothings in Esme’s ear when they’re bonin’.


Dear Dirty Uncle In Which I Admire You More Than My Own Uncle, (that's sad, isn't it?)

I'm having a problem. You have probably answered this question a million times, but I have not found my answer yet. I started reading FF in the early year of 2009, which says I am newbie to all of this, but really, I spend a lot of time learning the rules and advice on writing FF. I want to write a fic, but I just can't seem to do it due to the many things you have to take responibility for. Maybe it's the intimidation, but I am scared to no end when I think of writing a fic. Though, I do want to write a fic. I have many idea's that I can involve the Twicharacters in. It's confusing to me, but the feeling is there. I need a start. All I can come up with is a title and a small starter-off-plot.

When you started out, what did you do wtvoc? My problem is the intimidation and the responsiblity with writing a fic.

Thanks, TLYDF for making my days more special. And to wtvoc for making me laugh so hard I spilt my current soda on my laptop.. thanks.


Dear Nerve Swilling:

Me? I had an idea and sat down and wrote.

I felt ridiculous doing it, too. I mean… Boycotts & Barflies had finished posting. Blondie was working on some AH magnificence. Passion Fish was out there.

Who the hell was I?

I wrote about eight chapters before I started posting. I had a friend I had made on twilighted check that shit to make sure I wouldn’t get laughed at.

We dared each other to post. Which we did.

I’m glad we did. I’ve made amazing friends because of it.

Look, I’m glad for all this fanfiction thing has brought to me by way of hilarity and friendships, but it’s hard once you get going. I’d advise you to finish the fic before posting, but I can’t seem to follow my own advice. Like I said, I had an idea and went with it. It really depends on the type of writer you are.

Just sit down and start typing. Who knows? Maybe you’re the next Great American Fanfictionist (it’s an expression, Canadians/Brits/Phillipinos/Ozzies/etc). You’ll never know until you try.

As for responsibility… yeah. I’m not saying anything more than I wish some people out there would take this as seriously as you do. I understand that this is fanfiction, but come on. There are kids reading this stuff. I felt guilty posting Welcome Home, but when you read some of the stuff that’s out there now, I just laugh at that old guilt.

But if you want to write the super-smutty… just know that I have gotten a LARGE number of PMs from people under 15 who wanted my opinion on the smut they wrote. D: D: D: D: D:

There’s other responsibility issues, too, but I don’t feel very srs bsns right now.
Just… use your judgment. If you’d feel uncomfortable letting your mom read it, maybe that should be a clue? I don’t know, I don’t really have any morals.


Dear Dirty Uncle,

There's been a lot of fuss in fanland regarding flames, rude reviews, and mean PMs. I've three questions for you since you've received some very, um, colorful reviews/PMs that would fall in this category and you probably have a strong opinion or two.

Would you care to share a choice selection of these comments?

What is your advice to the poor authors who are receiving these disheartening reviews/PMs?

What are your suggestions to readers who may occasionally feel compelled to write potentially hurtful words?

Thank you and I hope you have a great weekend!

Let's Save Their Feelingsgal

Dear Emo Crusader:

Yes, I’ve had many a colorful message sent my way.

No, I won’t share. Not because I don’t want to, but I don’t want to single anyone out. That strikes me as rude, y’know? Like, I’m obnoxious, but not that obnoxious. Then again, I referred to one up there somewhere, so maybe I’m much ruder than I thought.

As to the people getting ‘em… do your best to ignore. They get to me sometimes, too. I have to shrug it off. Life’s too short to let the words of strangers affect you. I’ve had to talk people off of ledges, and I’ve been talked down myself. It’s silly, but the thing is- we put a lot of effort into these stories, even if they’re “only fanfiction”. It’s work, and in many cases, there’s a lot of heart going into it. To have someone shred you down, pick on word choice, deliberately obfuscate your intentions just to make you feel bad? It’s like someone giving you a poor performance review at work, only more jarring because this is what we do in our spare time for fun.

As for potential haters… please, just… don’t. If you want to be a dick, have the guts to do it to someone who can see the whites of your eyes. If you aren’t trying to be a douchebag and want to offer constructive criticism, please understand that most people don’t like negative concrit. And definitely, definitely do it via PM. Negative reviews made for public viewing? Rudest of the rude.

I know a lot of the stuff that gets sent wasn’t intentional, and to that, I must repeat some old advice I gave in the Etiquette column I did before this one- reread what you wrote. Self-edit, guys. Demanding updates, offering suggestions on how a story is to be written- this stuff isn’t usually looked upon with favor.

Again- if you wouldn’t send it to your professor/teacher… try rewording it a little. That may help.


Dear Long Lost Dirty Uncle I wish I knew,

So my question for you is about Stoli, Skunk and Sapphire. Ok, so this has been irking me and some girls I talk to. Chapter 2 of S,S&S our fuckawesome Ginsper is in a bar singing a Kelly Clarkson song. I am curious as to which Kelly Clarkson song my favorite gentleman, Ginsper, would choose to sing?

Also, I must say, I saw you are receiving letters from Mr. Hale himself (you lucky lady you!). I was wondering if you might be able to inquire from him the next time you hear from him, if he is ticklish. A friend and I were randomly chatting, and don't ask me how or why because I can not remember, but tickling Jasper came up. So since I am already asking you something and I see he enjoys speaking with you - I hope you have the chance to ask him!


Dear Ms. Stanley:

It’s actually fitting for the story.

Well, Mr. Hale?


Dear wtvoc,

Okay, I'll bite.

From last week's LYDF:
"But so many amazing fic!wards have been created that I would put him in the middle of all Edwards, if I were ever so immature that I’d rank them (someone please ask me to do this)."

I would strongly agree with this statement. The fic Edwards are oh-so-much better than canon Edward. I think that I've blurred the line between fic and canon to the point that if I ever reread the books(the horror, never!) I'd find myself wondering, where in the hell is the pumpkin? How come Jasper doesn't have an affinity for gin and wearing a fedora? I thought Bella was into extreme sports?

So, rank'm, dearie. Give us what you got.

Dear Vegas, Baby, Vegas:


Okay, if I neglect to add a _ward, I apologize. This was done on the fly.
I decided to let y’all decide for me. Pick your five favorite Edwards. I chose random fics, and I haven’t even read all of them. These were suggested from several sources.

Things to consider:

-would you kick him outta bed?

-would you kill him (or would he kill you?)

-would his cute “thing” eventually irritate the ever-living shit outta you?

-could you take him home to meet mom?

-is the thought of standing in front of him making you weep with desire?
Okay, click away:

Which fic Edward is the best?
Boycotts and Barflies- consider the body shots
Sanctuary- consider the lasagna
Teenage Angst Brigade- consider the dresser sex
Creature of Habit- consider the concert shirts
Behind Enemy Lines- consider mana mila
edwardcullen by muckymuckerson- consider it the best canon edward POV you'll ever read
Twilight- consider the dazzle?
Midnight Sun- consider the thing with the guy who harassed bella, 'cuz that wasn't too shabby
Scotch, Gin and the New Girl- consider Target
Cullen's Island- consider duct tape, janitor's closets, and Darling Nikki
Piano Lessons- consider the spanking
I Hate Myself For Loving You- consider being stuffed up Edward's shirt
the Antidote- consider taco bell chalupas
Tropic of Virgo- consider the chat lyrics
Realize- consider the Abercrombie photoshoot
Hydraulic Level 5- consider the heartfail
Abbracciare il Cantante- consider wearing Alice's itsy bitsy bikini in the hot tub with him
Irritable Grizzly Adams- consider the intensity
Bonne Foi- consider the arrogance and lust
Hiding in Plain Sight- consider the burnt toast
Deconstructing Dracula- consider the Impaler
Wide Awake- consider the cookies
Salacious Behavior and Earnestly Speaking- consider the art house films
Unexpected- consider the tattoos
Cascade and Cyanide- consider the Moleskins
Coming to Terms- consider the complicated sensitivity thing

Poll (snicker. I said “pole”) results shall get posted next week! (I love having others decide for me)


Jasper Hale Question of the Week:

Dear Ms. Wtvoc –

Your easy wit continues to impress. Edward may have appeared underwhelmed by the juxtaposition of your “large bow staff” and “that’s pretty fuckin’ hot” comments, but… please refer to the bow staff remark. The rest of the family (excepting the human) was alternately amused or intrigued by your recommendations. Esme was especially touched that you thought to include her. Emmett has enthusiastically embraced your suggestion and has been driving Rosalie to distraction with his constant viewing of QVC.

Alice’s response to your occupation choices for the family: “She is close enough.” She declined to share at what point your visions diverged, but she didn’t seem concerned. If Edward was privy to Alice’s visions, he was too preoccupied to discuss it with me. The human pitched a bit of a fit about her potential relegation to the inside of a mall; however, my brother swept her off to lands unknown and she returned outwardly calmer, and inwardly, merely peeved.

It seems you have been rather bogged down with vacations and other activities as of late; I hope you have enjoyed them all and found some much-deserved respite. In respect, this week’s letter will be quite light – more a reaction than taxing query.

I noted your interest in ranking the Edwards. I am certain someone has already expressed her desire for you to do this – at least, I hope so; Edward’s display of disinterest in the answer to this question is a simple front. In the interest of pure conceit, who are your most and least favorite Jaspers? Just one of each would be sufficient, as I am loathe to tax you or take from your time with your family.

Until next time,
Jasper Hale

P.S. Perhaps someday you can stop by my museum. I would be happy to emerge from my office to answer any question you present. It is only fair, after all.

Dear Mr. Hale:

I hope my wry observations of Edward didn’t make him go all emotive on you. If so, I do apologize. I simply couldn’t resist the opportunity to poke at him. He’s too serious. Buy him a Weird Al CD or something.

Thank you for noticing my lack of time, too. There’s a rather large pile of laundry to my left, staring at me; judging me. All in due time, mr. wtvoc’s Dickies. All in due time.

As for your question:

The truth of the matter is that not a lot of Jaspers are memorable out there. Oh, sure; Jasper is a big “fad” in the fandom right now; there’s a bumper crop of You fics, and some of them are really damned good. It's a good turn, and I wonder who's next?

Again, lemme rec A Murmur of Fire in the Vein by elleCC.

And I won’t lie, not even one bit- my favorite Jasper is, hands down, Scotch Jasper.

But Teenage Angst Brigade Jasper and his Smiths shirt and fixation with boobs was also amazing.

I Hate Myself For Loving You’s Jasper was adorably big-brothery clueless. In fact, I think he should be played by 1991 Paul Rudd in the film version.

For vampy Jasper, I liked When Darkness Turns to Light. That was yum.

Also, any Jasper written by Minisinoo. Cowboys & Indians? Amputated at the Neck? I once told her that was the best character study of Jasper I’d ever read.

I will refrain from naming bad Jaspers, though. I hope you understand. It’s not very politic of me, but it’s something I’d be willing to discuss over those corn-fed rib-eyes.


That’s all for now, chickens. Don’t forget to vote in the Indies, and voting for the Bellies starts on the 15th! (That’s Wednesday, for those of you who didn’t get a Twilight calendar.

Send your questions, life observations, general inquiries, and Comicon-related requests for information to . Nanoo nanoo.

withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. but first, there’s a new kids on the block concert coming up this weekend!


  1. *pacing around nervously*

    What if he reads it and doesn't like it?

    I'm sorry, I had to do something to parallel the blood thing!


  2. pa-pa-pa-pokerface

    and you're dead to me...

    well not really, but i'm lazily glaring at you.

  3. I voted in your poll (hee hee), but really wish you had included my favorite Edward du jour. 'The Blessing and the Curse' Edward, considering the obsessed possessive Edward.

    Hmmm, somehow it just doesn't sound as appealing when I word it like that.

  4. Yikes! I'm calling UNCLE on this poll thingy. Only 2 of my favorite Edwards are on there!
    There are some great new Edwards out there recently. I think you missed a lot of them!

    THANKS for answering the question about Saturday School. That is by far one of my favorite Edward and Bella's. It's amazing that it lasted as long as it did.

    Oh, you didn't mention it...IS Jasper tickleish?

  5. hey, i never said the poll was fair. there are a lot of new ones... i went by what info was available to me like.... the half hour it took me to make the poll. :/ also, i need to thank the angst goddess for all of her poll-dancing advice.

  6. yeah, while I love WA... I don't know if I could live with that Edward forever. hee hee. TOp number one should definitely be Tropic of Virgo Edward... and I just know someday... sooner or later, one of the characters (either E or B) will catch on to their online bizniz.


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