a very special episode of ask wtvoc

A holiday! Or two! Happy day to Canadialand, and happy birthday, America! Your dirty uncle is out of town! This is odd for me, that I wrote this ahead of time instead of asking my Lady to do my homework for me. I sure hope nothing good happens while I’m gone. I’d hate to seem out of touch in this ever-changing fandom of ours.
Let’s hope Mr. Hale responds to me in time; I seem to have misplaced his email, and I need it resent.. WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR DIRTY UNCLE, GMAIL? WHYYYYY?

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Dear wtvoc,

I have a problem. It seems that my obsession with fanfiction has reached a point where I can do nothing but. I can't do homework and I can't study, because the moment I turn my computer on, I check my emails, which leads to a whole load of things. Which is really bad because I have tonnes of tests coming up that I really need to study for -- and I can't.

Anyway, my question is: Do you have any study techniques that could somehow relate science and maths and history and geography and everything else school-y to Twilight or fanfiction? Any ideas at all to help me study, or maybe actually enjoy doing schoolwork? Any? I'm getting desperate! I don't want to fail just because fanfiction rules me life and I have no self control.... Help me, please!


Love,

~drift


Dear Sideways Driver:

I have the same problem, but now that it’s summer, replace “studying” with “housework”.

There are 3 solutions to your problem, none of them without complications:

1. Nothing. Continue as you are.

a. Untoward side effects: alienation from those who used to love you; failing grades/dirty house/dirty skivvies (assuming you wear them); slovenly appearance; lack of social graces; saying “oh em gee” in mixed company; eventual inability to discern fanfiction from reality. Not recommended.

2. Cut it out, cold turkey.

a. Untoward side effects: the shakes. Becoming a junkie for something else. Referring to fanfiction authors as “old friends”; continuing to compare real life to fanfiction storylines; returning to canon!Twilight in an attempt to re-create the lost love. Not recommended.

3. Force yourself to balance.

a. Untoward side effects: the shakes. Arguments with the important figures in your life when you try to explain why you “need” to check your email; distraction at social functions when deciding whether to check your Blackberry for updates; cleaner laundry that still never gets folded; better communication with significant others that occasionally ends with eyes rolled on the part of both parties. Recommended form of rehabilitation.

In short, dear- you need to find a balance, or one day you’ll look around and realize you can’t remember the last time you cleaned your bed sheets. And that’s just gross. The Dirty Uncle does not approve.

We’ve all been there, don’t worry. Some of us are still there.

-wtvoc

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Dear Uncle WTVOC

I've noticed a surfeit of fics lately that (imho) are just too damn long. Twilight attracts some fantastic authors and there's never a problem with variety or depth of fics to choose from. But it feels like lately there are more and more of these mammoth Russian Novel length fics and less novellas and one-shots. Problem is half the time fanfiction stories by inexperienced writers just doesn't sustain 45 10k chapters. I read so many stories where the premise is cool and intriguing and the writing is really good. But then around 20 or so chapters in I find my interest flagging. The story is strung out so thinly... with authors repeat a similar scene over and over or invent new and ever-more-dubious dramas that seem to exist only to prolong the HEA. Sometimes I wonder if the goal is just to keep writing until the story makes it to 1k reviews. These stories would be SO much better i reckon if they were snappier. A good fic's a quick fic!


Of course there are some fics where epic length is absolutely justified (Hydraulic Level 5 I'm looking right at you).


Am I just an impatient brat? Do you think most fanfictions lend themselves better to novel or short-story length?

thanks,

twistedkites.


Dear Twisty:

HL5 ain’t epic long. It’s exactly the right length. (TWSS)

The short answer is that most people don’t outline, or they don’t know how to end it.

The cynical answer is that they’re waiting for more reviews.

Oofah, that sounds bitchy. But I bet some are like that. It kinda feels that way, right? I once read a fic that had, and I shit you not here, two consecutive chapters including “I love you, Bella” “I love you, Edward” paragraphs littered throughout. And that’s pretty much what the entire update was.

And like a sucker, I read it.

I think it’s fairly obvious when the author doesn’t know where they’re going with a story. You can feel it the moment your eyes start to drift to the stack of unpaid bills next to your monitor.

Me, I’d rather wait six months in between updates than post drivel I could write off the top of my head (like this?). But not everyone does that. They feel the pressure from the reviews to UPDATE SOON PLZ LOL, so they put out any old thing.

Just… if you don’t like the length, don’t read. tl;dr it in your head (because it’s rude to leave that in a review, chickadees) and remove it from your alerts.

As for which format fanfiction belongs in, it depends. My lady jandco keeps her stuff short and sweet, but not everyone has her amazing aptitude at saying exactly what needs to be said without embellishment.

Then again, The Puppet Master has 3216543513541 chapters and maintains integrity.

So eh. Some fics could be one-shots; some one-shots should be expanded.

Continue to keep in mind that we are, most of us, supreme amateurs.

-wtvoc

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Dear Writer of All Things Good,

How did your husband/family react when they found out you were a Twilight Addict?

Better yet, how did your husband react to you finding your soulmate (Jandco)?

Do you shy away from outsiders knowing of the fact you write fanfiction? Or are you all about promoting it to the unsuspecting victims?

With love,

Sarah.

Dearest Syrah:

My husband figured it out on his own. His dirty boxers were his first clue.

I have no problem telling people, though. Most of my professors know I do this in my spare time.
(my degree is a bachelor in science, not the arts)

As for jandco and mr. wtvoc… he texts her more than he texts me. He understands that he’ll use the couch when she moves in. I text mr. jandco, but he feels like my love has waned recently. Our men are too damned clingy.

-wtvoc

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Dear unclean brother of parental.

Does Rob make everyone spontaneously... tingly?! I think I have stalker issues. i screamed a little (little being a lie) evertime his sex jaw was on my tv screen during the MTV awards. uuuh. anyway, brings me onto my question.. Rob or Edward? huh? Srsly! i mean, i fell in love with Eduardo first... but fuck me, have you seen the sex jaw?

sincerly, holeyheeses.


Dear Heezy, Full of Holes:

I hate to say it… but not everyone loves the Rob. Sorry.

And one thing has become clear to me in my wanderings in and out of Twi-related communities… not everyone loves Edward, either.

I think this is why so many AH fics exist. Because we are unsatisfied with the canon character.

I, personally, like Rob as an actor. He’s hot, surely. I do not fall into the “flat face” category of hate. Not a-tall.

But I get why he turns a lot of girls off.

Me? I like me some scruffy, grungy, flustered BritBoy.

Edward? Not so much. I’ve been rereading canon lately, and I’m left a little bit… wanting. Hmm. I did love Edward when I started out though; I won’t be too cool for school and hide that I initially thought he was a tasty slice of immortal ~dazzle. But so many amazing fic!wards have been created that I would put him in the middle of all Edwards, if I were ever so immature that I’d rank them (someone please ask me to do this).

-wtvoc

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wtvoc bonus: see if you can guess who penned the following question. I’m onto you, emo lady.

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Dearest Filthy Uncle,

Lingo fucking frightens me. Acronyms are getting way out of hand, don't you think? Isn't it a little ironic that, as writers we are too lazy to type full terms in anything that isn't a chapter? Okay, okay, so in summaries or on (evil) Twitter, there are word limits. I accept this, though I loath it, in my own, silent fashion. Sometimes, someone will toss me an acronym, and I'll be utterly clueless. I've had this happen with popular terms like "NGL" and more recently "KWIM." I'm forced to either, A.) Fess up to the chatee about my ignorance and risk certain mockery, B.) Google that motherfucker in secrecy, then act all knowing when I find it ("Pfft. I totally agree, ngl...kwim?"), or C.) Use context clues to decipher it on my own (and, boy, I feel really proud when I do...)

Even though I can appreciate the irony, I myself am a big fan of acronyms. I like capitalizing the consonants of importance, tis true. Why be wordy can you can be... lettery...

But there are things like, "bb," and "hdu," which don't even follow the rules of common acronym creation. Admittedly, this has thrown me off on more than one occasion. "BB" could stand for "Bethaboo," or "Busty Business," or "Beasty Banter." And "HDU" could easily be "Healthy Dolphin Undergrads," or "Hairy Dude Unification," or (my initial assumption) "Happy Dicks Unite."

I've noticed that people often refer to their fave stories by way of acronym. But... I can't possibly know every story acronym, and there's no way to Google that. Context clues are moot, so I end up asking people wtf (<--- more irony) they are talking about. This results in a little resentment on my part, especially when I get replies like, "Oh, everyone knows that story," followed by a scoff of condescension.

So, my question is: When is it acceptable to acronym? (<--- Yeah, I verbed that biatch...) It hasn't escaped my attention that your name gets acronymed with frequency.

Should there be a process, and if so, what is it? Have you ever been stumped by the lettery people of fandom? Do expound.

LYLAS (<--- Old Skool Lettery...),
Wordy Emo in Hiding

o hai thurr bb:

ORLY. OICWUDT. ONYD. LULZ. OMG, HDU QUESTION THIS. EITHER STFU OR GTFO OR STFD.

Solly, that wuz r00d.

Thiz fandom is made for teh poast that is epic. negl, but idgaf, js. Sum stuff should diaf, but FML, I cunt stop.

nfi y sum cunt write coherently. I often wanna say “lolololol wut?” cuz idek wass happening.

jsyk, I can haz difficulty reeding dis shizz, but w/e. jfc, this is hard. TWSS.

ikr?

Guuuurrrlll, DNW. MUST STOP. Instead, lettuce discuss ur udder question. Donut hate me for the above.

trufaxx, but I often adopt chat-speak in eljays, speaking the local lingo. Kinda like Madonna being pretentious and calling them “crisps” when she could just as charmingly say “hand me the fucking potato chips, Brit.” I mean, what the hale. Totes ridic, totes tard. Whatevs. Sometimes I wanna MDK poasts like this. ~brb volterra

The internet seems to exist to make people feel clever sometimes, no? Coming up with inventive ways to express yourself is something we’ve all been doing since we learned that boys have a peeps and girls have a vadge. Acronym-speak is the lebret/eyebrow piercing of the aughts.

However, if anyone out there finds themselves saying “oh em gee” like, out loud?

facepalm.gif . js.

-wtvoc

PS- if you get all of the above references, I applaud you. Or feel sorry for you, I’m not sure which just yet.

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Dear Wtvoc,

Why is Jessica always a slut in fics? Why does she always have std's?

Love
Jess

Dear Slutty Jess:

Jessica seems to be the convenient scapegoat in lighter fare; I’ve noticed in the M-rated fics, Tanya is often the go-to gal for the rude, the whore-tastic, the perfectly manicured fingernails.
Canon!Jessica was a bitch. Even in Midnight Sun, she’s insincere. We readers picked up on that pretty handily. Canon!Victoria was a flat-out crazed murderer and Canon!Tanya’s only discernable flaw was having the hots for Edward. Well, okay. I guess you could argue being the original Succubus is bad, but personally, I think it’s both hot and rad. But Jessica and Lauren? Catty, bitchy high school teenagers.

Here’s the thing- everyone in the fandom has read Twilight at least once (well, okay. Maybe that was true say, eight months ago, but I’m sure there’re people who are here from the movie, ugh).

Reading a book, you get infused with subtleties that maybe at the time went unnoticed, but they stick with you. Especially when the book resonates, whether it’s for good or bad reasons.

We read Jessica as a slightly catty gossip girl, and that’s what we take into fic.

Unfortunately, the character isn’t interesting enough for people to want to do her justice. Why would we, when Angela is a much more suitable friend?

Here’s my question for you- was this prompted by the name? Are you personally vested in this?

Do you need me to recommend a good cream?

-wtvoc

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Cher Oncle Sale,


I am in the mood for a rant. Whether this is rant worthy we shall see, but ... what is your beef with Coldplay and John Meyer? This intrigues me, surely. Is it the attitudes, occasional whine, ivory influences or the endless, syncopated acoustic guitar riffs? Perhaps all or none of these things? I'd love the laundry list, if but well explained.


Looking forward to being set straight,
RAEcouter

Dear I’m Listening:

You asked for it.

I love me some whiny, self-indulgent rock. But sometimes, super nasally gentle male British voices really piss my shit off. And for whatever reason, Chris Martin’s does this to me.

I really wish I could say the thought of his insipid face singing this song (for I felt to adequately convey my distaste that I must be listening to the swill) is what inspires my distaste, but it’s just…. I don’t know. The same quality others probably love is just what turns me off.

Also… have you ever listened to Coldplay? Yucky poo. “Look at the staaaaars…. See how they shyine for yooooooou….” No, thank you.

And don’t get me started on this:



WHAT’RE YOU REACHING FOR, MARTIN? WHAT? YOU NEVER RULED MY WORLD, JSYK

Fuck, I’m all cheesed off that I just included Chris Martin’s Orange-on-a-Toothpick-sized head in my column. Goddom. I need to fix it, stat.



There. Ahh, the dulcet tones of Foo & Co. Dave Grohl. Rrrr ruff ruff ruff. Are you taking notes, Martin? Are ya? This is what Rock n Roll Divinity looks like. Please note: un-stupid mustache, clothes by Hanes and Levis. Clear passion for what he’s singing about, not artfully pouting about yellow stars or worlds ruled.

But Dirty Uncle, you say. Grohl wins by virtue of the fact that he knew Kurt. Unfair advantage.

Ah, dear reader; that’s exactly what I mean. I love Gwyneth, but Gwyneth- you, madam, are no Kurt. You’re not even Courtney Love. (side note number 1: have you seen Frances Bean lately? Guuuurl, she’s gorge.)

And there’s another thing. Apple? Who names their kid Apple? He’s infused her with his self-important, boring personality before she was even born. The poor girl has been set up to wear scarves in June and make statements like “I want to be a model” when she’s all of twelve. Poor Apple. Doomed to eat brown rice and wear vegan-approved clothing in her early years. I’m sure she’ll go through a rebellion at some point and crunch a delicious piece of antibiotic-infused, non-free range bacon in her parent’s faces; this will be followed by the artistic phase in which she designs her own line of retro-inspired clutches/tweener panties/Ugg Boots, smokes cigarettes from a Swarovsi-encrusted holder designed by some unassailably hip, hot, and lamentably (due to his hotness) gay up-and-coming designer, who will consider her his muse.

(side note number 2: I love, love, love Nichole Ritchie’s line of jewelry House of Harlow 1960. It’s v. choice, js)

To all celeb bbs out there, lettuce take a page from the book of Lourdes. She don’t need no stinking last name, just like mama. Sometimes I stalk browse pictures of her and think to myself “fuck, where was I when I was twelve? Not dressed to the nines and looking fiercer than most 20-year-olds, that’s for damned sure.”

Lettuce drop the Martin before I give myself apoplexy.

As far as John Mayer goes, the douchebag is simply too smug for me. He writes what I call “frat boy rock”, and I include Hootie & the Blowfish in this here category. Just… smug. Smug White Boy music.

John Mayer’s not bad, really. I just don’t like ‘im. The thing that redeems him is that he embraces his douchiness. He’s an unapologetic manwhore, and he rather enjoys that. C. Mart is too… serious about himself. Like, I feel like I should be a struggling artist working in a job that’s beneath me to listen to Coldplay. Mayer? Nawww. You could totally use Mayer if you’re trying to get into a bimbo’s pants. Throw in some Lady Gaga (who is growing on me, despite the white, shiny clothing thing) and you’re there, buddy.

But Coldplay? Ucky. I guess I understand the appeal, and someone once explained to me that Coldplay did for them what Radiohead does for me (my immediate response being HDU COMPARE COLDPLAY TO RADIOHEAD), but I guess that’s enough for me. To each his own. I try not to dwell on negatives too much, but Coldplay just… no.

Please understand, I do not think less of anyone who listens to Coldplay or Mayer. This, as always, is my opinion, and something I could rant about for pages. In fact, I called jandco up and said: “Chris Martin. Discuss.” She’s the one who brought up Apple. I was content to leave it at whiny pretention. We talked about this at length.

But if I get sent rare Coldplay B-sides and rarities after this, I will cut you off. Forever.

-wtvoc

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Jasper Hale Question of the Week

J- thank you for resending your email. I was quite ill-tempered without it. -w

Dear Ms. Wtvoc –

This week’s question is a bit different. I request your advice, if I may.

My family and I, for the first time in a good number of years, are contemplating joining the workforce in lieu of attending high school or college. We’ve all grown a bit weary of the ennui that frequently accompanies our forays into formalized education; it has become particularly taxing on me.

We would, of course, require professions that would not call into question our youthful appearances. If requisite, the acquisition of necessary credentials would be of little difficulty. Although Carlisle would frown upon any of us without the proper schooling – or restraint – choosing to practice medicine, general training for other vocations should not be an issue; we have all had opportunity to study numerous subjects and are extraordinarily quick learners (there is plenty of time for reading while the rest of the world sleeps).

Also for your consideration, the human is soon to be a newborn, and will be in no condition either to attend school or to join the workforce. Nevertheless, Edward would like some suggestions for her, as he is (foolishly, in my opinion) hoping she might be encouraged to try additional human experiences and delay the change.

Knowing what you do of us – which is a somewhat limited view, truthfully – have you suggestions for my siblings and me as to appropriate career choices? Alice is somewhat curious about your selections as she wonders how well they will mesh with what she has seen.

Until next time,

Jasper Hale

P.S. Emmett was pleased with your assessment of him and is hoping you will find an occupation that satisfies both his intellect and sense of humor.

Dear Mr. Hale-

You have presented me with an interesting thing to ponder this week. I am totally glad that I got the email in the first place. I had a moment of panic when I realized the internet had eaten it.

So, jobs. Sadly, we’re very limited, because I would like to see Edward as a lifeguard. I feel it suits his overprotective nature, and he wouldn’t need to hold his breath.

Sadly, this is not to happen, for the sparkle-sparkle would surely reveal his vamp nature; I don’t see him lifeguarding an indoor pool, either. It would have to be the beach. I’ll come up with something better.

Rosalie would make an excellent pit stop crew chief for NASCAR; she could easily hide her speed, and, in fact, be commended for it; every man would be in love with her and make eyes at her constantly, so her vanity would be well-served. She’d hafta wear a jumpsuit and hat, so her sparkle would never show. Emmett would enjoy this because his lady would be around fast cars all day, and she’d come home all turned on and dirty. Tell him “you’re welcome” for me.

Alice would make a great Life Coach. She already knows what’s going to happen to people, and she’s very enthusiastic about making everyone into a better version of themselves. She also has no problem being a little Bossy McBosserson, and she could keep late hours, citing “pre-existing life changes that shouldn’t be altered by your demands”.

Emmett is easy. Know how Billy Mays has left us?

His spot needs to be filled, and I think Emmett is just such a replacement.



Bella would work at the mall selling those neck-warming pillows you put in the microwave. No one ever frequents those kiosks, but I feel like it’s just character-building enough that Edward should remain satisfied. Plus, he could continue his holier-than-thou attitude by having her sit on a stool and look bored all day.

As for Edward, I’d go with jazz club owner. Honestly, I’m a bit baffled as to how this hasn’t happened already. He could lord it up, too; kick out acid jazz, invite cool old black men who were funkadelic before George Clinton knotted his first dread to come and jam. He’d rule the piano, of course. It would help him loosen the large bow staff wedged in his ass, too; he’d have to play by other people’s rules in the freestylin’ world of impromptu jazz.

Plus, that’s pretty fuckin’ hot.

As for you, dear friend, I am going with curator of a Civil War museum. Depending on which side of the Mason-Dixon y’all find yourselves on, this could either be a) an excellent way for you to avoid humans as sadly, not many are interested in the War of Northern Aggression as told by a Southern Gentleman or b) an excellent way for you to get used to humans, as I’m sure many are still curious about their roots down South.

You could easily hide behind a desk, choosing which queries to answer with supreme authority. Or, should the urge hit, you could dignify the questions with a personal appearance. It shouldn’t be a problem for you to convince everyone that you’re a Civil War buff, and it all started with your Granddaddy Whitlock, who wove tales of his Grandpappy Tal while teaching you to play chess on his Franklin Mint North vs. South set.

I want to give Esme a job, too. She’s a giver. I could see her teaching a flower arranging class at the adult education learning annex on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.

I assume Carlisle would keep his job as benevolent hospital hottie Big Man on Campus.

I hope these aren’t too far-off from what your wonderful wife has seen. Tell her that her Dirty Uncle says “hello”, if you would.

As ever, a pleasure. Happy Fourth, Mr. Hale.

-wtvoc

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Alright, chickens. Please to be remaining safe while drinking ice-cold beverages, snacking on huge, juicy slices of watermelon, and lighting things on fire. I love the Fourth. Not only is America 233 years old this year, but, well- I’m patriotic as hell, man. I just bought a super-to-the-left magazine that tears Joe Biden about fifteen new a-holes, 150 bucks worth of “kiddie” fireworks, and the world’s largest Vietnamese-style croissant sammich from Lee’s, all while enjoying the freedom to be a tacky asshole and vote against party lines, should I choose to do so. America kicks ass.

Dirty Uncle out. KABOOM.




withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. but first, there’s a new kids on the block concert coming up next weekend

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