The Dirty Uncle returns for another week of sad attempts at humor

Aw. Did y’all miss me?

So, people keep wondering why I haven’t updated when I said I would (you disgusting fanfiction writer!) and why I’m never around and why why why. Lemme just address this real quick before hilarity ensues:

I simply haven’t been in more demand in real life since the summer of ’96. Sorry. By the time I sit down to write… it’s often the first time I’ve sat down all day, and it’s after 9pm.

Sometimes, your dirty uncle needs to watch her TiVo’d True Bloods, ladies.
Also, there was an auction for fanfiction back in April, and jandco and I have been working on our promised (2700 dollar, no pressure no pressure) entry… and it’s giving both of us a touch of writer’s block. We want auction!fic to be amazing, and we don’t want to post shit for our other stories.

Also, we want all this construction on my house to be over and done with so I can put my Queen Amidala action figure and her friend Wakko/Yakko/Dot on a tricycle back on my desk. It’s tough to channel Edward the Dick unless I feel like Natalie Portman’s judging me or something.

Alright, I’ll shaddap now. Sorry.

Wait, no I won’t. Holy effing ess, this is totally what I’m talking about. THANK YOU, GOOGLE IMAGES. I have the full set of these! I plan on selling them to pay for my kid’s college tuitions in 10 years:

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Dear um Dirty Uncle:

Hi, um I was like wondering if you could um like please explain to me why it is that I'm like hated by the um Twilight community. Everyone seems to like love Rob and the um rest of the cast, but when it comes to like um Taylor and me we are loathed. I'm like kinda perplexed as to um like why that is. I though I was like really good as Bella, but um I've like come to find out that like the fans seem to think otherwise.

Sincerely,

Kristen Stewart

Oh hi there, kstew-

Is that really you?

Somehow, I doubt it.

This doesn’t mean I won’t answer the question or anything.

Not everyone hates kstew. On the contrary, I think a lotta people dig her. Mostly the younger set, but still. Twilight has quite a lot of younger fans, no?

And guuuuurl, a lot of people like T.Laut. That’s just straight up true facts.

While I can’t speak for everyone (even though I often do), I actually like the Stew’s portrayal of Bella. Oh, sure- there’s a lot to mock, and don’t get me started on the unnecessary tubing going every which way in the hospital scene and janky nasal cannulas, but I sort of dig the way she did the whole Enlightened Naïve Girl thing. I’m no casting director, and I won’t pretend to know who should have played Bella but a 16-year-old wtvoc would’ve been marvelous, jsyk, but I’m not unhappy with the choice they made.

As for Taylor, well. He’s much too young for me, and there’s the Sharkboy factor that is a heavy nay against him. But he wasn’t bad in the movie. Except for the godawful weave.

And while we’re discussing the movie series, can we devote some time to this image right here, please?





Mr. Hale, what the… well, hale? Please to be explaining.

-wtvoc

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Dear WTVOC,
Okay, so I was reading your guide to reviewing, and when I got to the part of when you said that people saying, "Update! Update!" was annoying, I was like, yeah right. Any review is good.

So recently, I wrote a fan fic which has a chance of getting over fifteen reviews, and suddenly my inbox was full of people reviewing "update". I got maybe six reviews like that, and it pissed me off. So evidently they like my story, since they want me to update, but I don't know what they like, or what they don't like. Anyway, what should I do? Write an A/N note with the link to your guide on it? Teach them grammar or how to spell? SOS!!

~Me

Dear Yoo:

I’ve gotten many people who tell me they just link my article whenever someone leaves a rudity review, and I must say, this is a step, surely. But it’s also a little cold. You can always be more diplomatic, just so you know. Sending nothin’ but a link? That sends quite a message, and the message is “You’re an idiot, and I’m a bitch.”

I am glad that people are still reading the old, original wtvoc article, though. Apparently, it still gets hits. Good. Keep the message going strong.

Look, people will always send their “update soon”s. I still get them all the fucking time. ‘Specially since I don’t update anymore.

There’s a whole process attached to coming to terms with your reviews. At first you just want to break twenty; then you start craving them, and contemplating whether you should offer goods/services in exchange for them. Then you hit a certain number and you’re like “wow, life is good.” Then you get the flames. The bad ones. The awful PMs. More “UPDATE NAO”S than “Here’s why I like the chapter:”s.

Then you get where I am. Thankful to see a morning’s inbox worth of reviews, because that means people still read you and still care.

Do the demanding, rude ones still bother me? Fuck yes, they still do. But they bug me in the way that Cadillac Escalades or skinny pants bug me- enough that I notice and curl my lip in disgust, but I don’t egg the people that write/drive/wear them. Usually.

I guess what I’m saying is… you’ll just have to live with it. Pointing it out gets you shit, trust me.

-wtvoc

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dear uncle,

What would you do if in the New Moon flick, Rob suddenly has the abs and biceps of Taylor? I think it would be hot, you know, Robert Pattinson with those lickable...and...yummy.... *drools* ehem.. muscles.. *stares into Rob poster*

Do you imagine Rob as Edward when you read fanfics? or do you do some modification into Rob's face like airbrushing it in your mind?

Do you have any advice for me? I'm a self confessed addict in fanfiction. I read every single day.. I have college school work and everything but damn i cant resist reading. I even forgot about my story because i enjoy reading other's rather than writing my own. How can i not slack in my school work and enjoy fanfiction at the same time? I hope to God that I do not fail this semester.

I think my friends think i'm a perv or something because one time a friend asked me if I have read a good fanfiction lately, and I slipped and said I'm reading this smut-filled fanfic. Is there something wrong with it? lol.

I really, really want to read Sanctuary and know Priestward but everytime I read it, i always remember my childhood crush who just enetered the seminary. That totally killed my buzz. Do you think there's something wrong wth me? lol.

last question. =)
What will happen to a human if she swallowed vampire seed/ venom? will she turn into a vampire? What does venom taste like?

In Edward Cullen's hotness,
Kaiserin from the Philippines

Dear Brown-

First off, I don’t look at Taylor. It's like my friend's hot neighbor, who happens to be 15. I just can't do it. And Rob having those abs would be like Justin Timberlake with a Portuguese accent. Too much, and quite the unfair advantage over the other mortal males.

As for who plays Edward in my head while reading fic (err, when I read fic), he actually doesn’t have a face. I can see the hair- it’s kind of Rob’s, kind of not. More Rob as Rob than Rob as Edward. But I don’t actually have a person I see as Edward. Since I tend to read fics where he plays some sort of ideal, I try not to attach any specific person to that ideal because that’s just not nice for my husband to have to deal with.

For school, well. I’ve answered this before. Tsk. Pay more attention when your dirty uncle is lecturing you. You need to find a balance, or you won’t get an A. Plain and simple. It took me a semester, but it’s cool; I didn’t like that semester, anyway.

There’s nothing wrong with reading smut as long as you’re aware that smutfic is to women as porn is to men; very likely to give you the wrong idea if you’re a virgin.

You seem to keep asking me if something’s wrong with you. That’s something for you and your therapist to decide on his/her dollar; if you really want me to answer this, please paypal me the 500/hour fee I charge for such things: dearwtvoc@gmail.com .

Okay, last question: vamp!venom. You’re gross. I’d suspect vampire venom acts much like snake venom in that it acts to paralyze a person in order for the vampire to nom nom nom, and I’ve always maintained it tastes like the smell of Vicks VapoRub. But would it turn a person to a vamp? I don’t think so. Not unless the accompanying loss of human blood was there. All lore in the vampworld points to this- loss of human(ity) blood, influx of vamp blood. That much often doesn’t change.

-wtvoc

Okay, I won’t lie. Sometimes I see certain Rob pics and say shit like THAT’S FUCKING SCOTCH EDWARD, LOOK AT THAT DAMNED SMIRK. Kinda like here:

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dear uncle:

I have been in the fandom for a while and I try to talk to people but it seems like no one wants to talk to me cause I don't write any stories. I will not attempt to write cause I know I'm horrible at it. I've went on the temptation forums and there is a few people that will talk to me but not many. Even though I've posted like 70 posts on there no one really wants to converse. Twilighted forums I have an account on but it's majorly scary I've tried posting because some authors have told me too(I am an adament review. Review every chapter of every story I've ever read.) but once I start posting on twilighted it seems like everyones in their own disscussions already and they ignore me. Do you have any advice for me?


Sincerely,
Iwishiwasesme

Dear Ireadthatas”IwishIwasawesome”:

These days, it’s tough.

It seems like unless you’re an author yourself, it’s tough to get known in the Fandom. Doesn’t it?

There’s a bumper crop of blogs and websites that are twi-fic related, whether they’re on blogger or LJ or what. And not many of them are known all over the place, and the ones that are have some sort of reputation for being either “too big”, “too asshole what-the-fuckery”, “too pedantic”, “too superfluous”, and okay I made some of those up. But you know what I mean.

How does one get out there? It’s like dating, only harder because it’s so clique-y in these here parts.

You’ve gotta find your niche, man.

Twilighted/TemptationTwi not working? Well, there’s something out there that’s for you. There are hundreds of Twilight-related livejournal communities. I know, I belong to several. Try asking the authors you love where they go.

If all else fails, I’ll show you around some of mine. But you hafta promise to do some digging of your own first. y/y?

-wtvoc

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Dear Everyone's Favorite Dirty Uncle,

I'm having a problem. I've fallen hard for the whole Twilight fic fandom. Really hard. When I first started reading about three months ago, I told one person about it and I got burned a bit. Now, I find myself constantly self editing in an attempt to keep all of the awesome fics I want to talk about inside. I'd like to tell another friend who is just as (if not more) nerdy than I am, and I think she'd understand, but I'm still a bit unsure. How do you recommend letting real life friends in on all of the awesome?

Sincerely,
Scared of the Burn

Dear SPF70:

Look, people are judgmental assholes.

I’m quite possibly the worst person to answer this for you because I don’t give two shits what people say, and everyone in my RL is well aware that I read, write, and edit fanfiction. They know because I volunteered the info, not because they found me out.

The way I see it, it’s as nerdy as collecting Star Wars Happy Meal Toys (check), reading comic books (check check), and organizing your CDs autobiographically (almost caused my divorce/check).

When you say you got burned… I’m not sure what you mean, exactly. I assume the person gave you the ole stink eye and never talked to you again? Well, lemme tellya something: that person wears an asshat, size XL. Ignore.

Just be like, “Oh Lord, I wanna go with you, but I need to finish this first. It’s just too good.” They’ll say something like, “Oh, what’re you doing?” and then pull a nonchalant (although in your case, more likely an uneasy) laugh and say, “Well, you won’t believe this, but I kind of sort of read fanfiction. For Twilight.” They might raise an eyebrow or not even know what you’re talking about. Just continue, and be strong.

“Hey, I know it’s lame. But some of this stuff is better than the original, and I don’t know. I was in too deep before I could pull out. That’s what he said.” And then continue with your life.

This approach takes care of haters because you would sound confident. If the person stops talking to you, allow me to reiterate: asshat. Size XL.

May the force be with you.

-wtvoc

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Dirty Uncle-

Is it appropriate for me to solicit other fanfic authors with a view to them reading and reviewing my rather fantastic story (I will email you, the reader, the title if you want to know)?

Look forward to your response post haste.

NotJaneAustin

Dear NinJA:

Here’s the thing.

This happens to all of the “big” (I really hate this term, but we all know what I mean when I use it) writers out there. We all get the “could you read my story and tell me what you think?” review/PM, some of us daily.

I don’t know one single author who says “ooh, yes! Absolutely!”

Most ignore it or respond with a polite “I simply do not have the time” (which, I believe, was my previous advice to a writer who was asking about the other side of your query). There are a few of the uber-nice who actually read the stories in question.

Here’s the thing: let’s say you get this review. And you read the story, and you hate it. Godawful. So bad it needs an award to adequately convey to the writer just how bad the fic was.

What’re you going to say to the person, who is probably very nice and quite possibly someone’s mother/daughter/grandmother/sister?

Some writers find themselves in that exact place. I get pinged every so often from a friend who’s like OMG HELP, WHAT DO I TELL HER? THIS IS THE WORST SHIT I’VE EVER READ. And me, being the prince I am, always respond with the ever-so-helpful I TOLD YOU SO, YOU IDIOT.

Okay, I realize I sound like a twat here, but I’m just trying to cover both sides of the spectrum.

I think it’s going to be tough for you to know if it’s a real response or not, because in all likelihood, it’ll be positive. So… how can you really know if they’re telling the truth?

The problem with asking other authors to review your stuff is that you sound like a review-hungry future-BNF wannabe no matter how you slice it. How does one get plucked from obscurity? There are tons of ways, and honestly- getting the “popular” writers to mention your story in an update is one of the best. But flat-out asking the “popular” writers to mention your story in an update? Yikes. For one thing- let’s say you do so, and let’s say I do it. Next thing I know, I’m bombarded with requests to mention so-and-so all over the place. It’s just… no. Not gonna do it.

If you want to self-promote, do it. Do it all over the place. Drop your story on forums, ask people to read it. But don’t ask people to review it. It looks… greedy.
And there are totally people who will read it, too. Keep on trying, but don’t get disheartened if someone says a polite “thank you, but I simply don’t have the time.”

To answer your question- maybe not so appropriate. Not in the review, anyway. Just... tread lightly.

Sorry, I hope that wasn’t harsh. Wasn’t meant to be.

-wtvoc

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Jasper Hale Question o’the Week

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I apologize for my delinquency last week. Our loss of service was unexpected and I am a bit embarrassed to admit I was caught without a contingency plan in place. I am glad Alice's note reached you in time.

However, our trip did bring forth a good question.

The Wedding is to take place in a few weeks and both parties are nervous about the Wedding Night to the point of pain - theirs and mine.

Although he is genuinely terrified about the possibility of accidentally killing her, Edward is also quite desperate to ensure that the human's first time is of the memorable and enjoyable variety. We are all lacking the required appropriate experience to assist him with this. Even Carlisle is at a loss.

Bella, too, appears to be worried about whether or not she will be able to keep my brother happy - in more ways than one. Her female companionship is composed almost entirely of women who have not been in this situation in decades, if ever. The few female humans with whom she interacts are certainly in no place to provide her adequate or relevant advice.

As someone wise and observant, have you any advice to impart on either of them?

We hope you are well and that last week's absence of your column does not indicate any troubles on your end.

Until next week,
Jasper Hale

Dear Mr. Hale-

It’s good to hear from you again. When the time came for your question and the dearwtvoc@gmail.com box was still lacking in Jasper, I faltered, wondering if some sort of horrible fate had reached my favorite vampire since the Count von Count showed me how to get to twenty.

As for Edward taking Bella’s v-card… I’ve come to put my own loss of Team V as one of the unusual variety stories… because I had a perfectly pleasant experience with someone I loved.

To Bella, however, I say this- be glad that you’re in love and married. For most girls, it hurts, but we all know that. It’s mostly fear of the unknown that makes it so painful because, and Team Wide Open/Non-V girls can verify here- you’re completely prepared for the invasion that sex truly is. To be totally graphic, crude, and crass (aka SOP wtvoc)- you feel like someone’s stretching your fucking pubic bone. Forget the hymen thing, that pretty much feels like someone stabbed you with a knife covered in lemon juice; I’m referring to the actual penis entering the vadge canal. It’s so... well, invasive.

Anyone who has an orgasm when someone pops their cherry is more commonly referred to as a liar. Big, fat liar. I don’t believe you. Okay, maybe if you have a lot of sexual experience beforehand or your hymen was already popped, etc. But most of the non-deflowered girls out there don’t have a lot of experience, so it’s the invasion I just described.

Maybe that’s not fair. I don’t know, anyone out there have a real orgasm when they were deflowered? I mean from the penetration that popped the V, ya goobers.

As for Edward… I think the fact that you love her enough to try will ensure that she doesn’t get hurt. Also, be proud that the two of you waited for the sex until marriage; that’s amazing by today’s standards, and seriously… I salute thee.

However, over a hundred years of pent-up sexual frustration compounded to the nth degree by being privy to the deepest, dirtiest sexual fantasies of all and sundry (including Emmett, that really must be better than free Taste of Spice and Playboy for life) might make Eddie a quick yet dull boy. Do try and remember that your Lady Love will be nervous as hell. I say don’t sweat trying to not kill her, and maybe focus more on trying to make her not knocked up with questionable spawn as a result sweaty and calling out to God.

At any rate, good luck. Not God’s speed, just… yeah.

-wtvoc

PS- Mr. Hale, a question was asked by another person the last article about you being ticklish. Thoughts?

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Sigh. Okay, back to my hole. I’m trying to write, I promise. not, you know. Stalking footage of comicon since I was totally unable to attend this year due to unforeseen and irritating difficulties.
Ooh, and send your questions my way to dearwtvoc@gmail.com . I declare August Get to Know Your Fandom month. Ask accordingly.

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withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. the NKOTB concert was amaaaaazing. I’m wearing the shirt I bought as we speak. I’ve gotten some looks from people, let me tell you.

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