Smut 101: Why So Serious? Sex is Funny. No lie.

Why So Serious? Sex is Funny. No lie.

Yeah, I know I’m stealing “The Dark Knight” tagline, but it’s appropriate. Think about it, think about the last time you had sex…yeah, I see those gears a turning. You’re on the same page as me now, Sex is funny. Lighten up and enjoy it.

But before we dig in let us review, because I’m all about the review. Here are the previous rules or guidelines for smut writing:

• Guideline #1:

  Make It Essential

• Guideline #2:

  Emotions Instead of Physicalities, Less is Always More

• Guideline #3:

  Choose Your Words Carefully

And now this week’s guideline for your informational and entertainment enjoyment and pleasure:

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Guideline #4: Sex is Funny; it doesn’t have to be so serious.

Now, we all love the mind-blowing, transcendental, going to another plane of existence, love making smut/sex. The smut/sex where the characters are connected body and soul, the love is flowing like raging rivers between the characters, it’s extremely intimate, they can anticipate each

other’s moves and needs, and it’s almost as if they are having synchronized sex. This is not the smut I am talking about.

That is fantasy sex and not the kind that sometimes requires props and various food products *winkwink*. It’s the fantasy of having that type of experience that draws us to fanfiction in the first place. We want the fantasy. We want to read about things that we don’t have. We want to immerse ourselves in the love and romance. We want to escape into the fantasy that fanfiction or any fiction creates for us. Now, some of us are lucky enough ladies and have experienced sex like that. And boy howdy is it awesome, but…

Sex/smut like described above is not the norm. Yes it does happen and it’s mind-blowing and euphoric, but…most sex is NOT like that in real life, it just isn’t. Not all sex is dreamlike and perfect. Now I know that most of us don’t want to read about boring, everyday, vanilla smut/sex. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist, or doesn’t exist in fanfiction. It does, but there are ways to make the realistic sex appealing to the reader. Characters having “real” sex endears them to the reader and lets the reader emphasize and connect to them on another level.

!!Again with the warning, Thar be Graphic/Explicit content ahead!!

Now, when I say let the smut/sex be funny, there are two categories in particular that I am referring to:

Funny Mishaps and Real Sex

.

The

Funny Mishaps

, you know the ones I’m talking about: characters fall off the bed, humorous first times, characters blurting out random things in the heat of the moment, inexperienced fumbling, etc… We’ve all had those moments in real life, be honest you know you have.

These scenes are not limited to the comedy fics, though they are prevalent in those. Any story, even the drama and angst-laden, can have a funny moment or two. It breaks the tension and heaviness of a story, giving us a little relief. Characters not having perfect, orgasms-at-the-same-time sex is good for a laugh and lets us connect with the characters.

Most sex doesn’t go off without a hitch, especially the first time. Losing the V-card is not a magical, orgasm inducing experience for most women. It’s painful and scary and really you just want to get it over with. Yes, it’s an intense experience, but intense because of the pain involved sometimes. To combat all this, some authors choose to go the funny route. Here are some examples:

alphadork

and her

“Lemony Squickets: A Series of Unfortunate Attempts”

is a whole story about how sometimes the first time doesn’t go off exactly as planned, and in real life, it rarely does.

I nodded and bit my lip, gripping the sheets in preparation for the pain I was sure I was about to experience. He slid the tip of his cock into me and I screamed.

“Holy fuck, get it out, get it out, get it out!”

Unfortunately, I startled Edward with my shrieks and he ended up impaling me further. I started pounding on his shoulders, frantic to stop the invasion of my lady parts.

“Bella,” he ground out between his tightly clenched teeth. “You need to relax. I can’t get it in or out with you clenched so tight. Take some deep breaths. Count to ten. Visualize fluffy kittens frolicking on a warm beach. Anything. Just for the love of all that is holy you need to relax before you squeeze my dick right off!”

I took several deep breaths. I counted to ten. I visualized fluffy kittens frolicking with adorable puppies on a pristine beach. Nothing could distract me from the mammoth penis I was certain was maiming me for life.

“It’s not working Edward. The fluffy kittens can’t distract me from the fact that I am being torn in two by your behemoth cock!”

Edward was shaking and panting at this point. His eyes were closed and his fingers were digging into my hips. He bit down on my breast and the surprise of it distracted me enough for him to quickly pull his dick out of the stranglehold I had been holding it in.

Another funny first time is in

Mr. Horrible

by

algonquinrt

.

Oh my god. Even if she punches me right now and races to the kitchen for a knife and plays Lorena Bobbitt, I will not care I am inside Baby Swan. And it is fuckawesome, as she would say.

…

Fuck, is she tight. I'm clenching my teeth just to keep from pulling out and thrusting back into her just to feel it again. She's clawing at my arms now, and it might help if I focus on her anger instead of the feeling... oh god... she just fucking sneezed and oh my god, I want to come.

Wait... angry... hellcat... focus.

“Bella? Sweetheart? Is it getting better?”

“Sweetheart?” she shrieks. “Are you fucking kidding me? You fucking impale me, ripping me apart, possibly destroying any potential for future childbearing, and you call me fucking 'sweetheart?'”

I press my forehead to hers, groaning and laughing at the same time. She's tensing as she's yelling and has no idea what that's doing to my cock. Her anger is not helping my self-control.

I need to tame her fury, and I kiss her, sweetly, with gentle nips and tiny licks until I feel her melting in my arms again. I pull back, just the most minute amount, before shifting back toward her again. There is no pause in her mouth moving against mine, so I try again, pulling back a bit farther before sinking into her again.

She moans, but doesn't push me off and that's all the encouragement I need. I move my hand to her clit, hoping to at least make her feel good as I begin to move, but it's just too much and I manage only a few more thrusts before I come so hard I'm shaking.

These moments, though funny, are still tender and somewhat sweet. Adding the humor diffused the intensity and seriousness, making the moment memorable and unique. As well as making us giggle.

Now physical comedy and awkward moments are also a good way to go when writing smut/sex. It’s good for a laugh and again endears the characters to the reader. I’m not saying do physical bodily harm…or not that much bodily harm, a little is okay. Physical comedy, awkwardness and smut/sex go hand in hand I think. It’s not utilized enough in Twific. Hopefully more people will jump on the bandwagon. Here are a few examples of physical comedy and awkwardness:

In her Smut Monday

“The Not-So-Mile-High Club”

contribution,

4theluvofMary

does physical comedy perfectly. There are so many funny mishaps between these two and I laughed the entire time I read. It starts off in an airplane bathroom and the funny keeps on coming all the way to the hotel after landing. Here are a few snippets.

When I inched her back to press her up against the wall, I bumped her into the sink.

"Ow!"

"Sorry," I mumbled.

I pivoted and tried to seek leverage against another wall, but it was no use. I was spinning around trying to get us comfortable, bumping into the door repeatedly.

"Bella, put your left foot down right there," I motioned to the bench seat that the toilet was set in.

She complied with my wish, only, her foot never made it to the bench. It came splashing down in the toilet, sloshing that disgusting blue liquid everywhere.

"Ew!" Bella pushed me away roughly as she looked down to see her leg dripping with blue. "Gross!"

…

All of the sudden Bella was falling over the edge, her orgasm pulling me along with her. I shuddered and shook violently as I came.

And then...what the fuck? I was falling over the edge! Literally! I watched in horror as Bella and I tumbled to the ground along with the mattress, my cock still buried deep inside her. I was really concerned I had hurt her somehow.

Bella started giggling...it turned into hysterical laughter as she realized our situation. We had been going at it so hard we pushed the mattress off the box spring.

"God Edward, that was...incredible."

"Mhm..." I nuzzled into her neck, even though we were almost perpendicular with the ground. "Let's do that again."

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"Definitely. But next time let's do it in your room. I don't know if my poor bed can handle anymore abuse."

Next time? Fuck. Yes.

Another author that is so good at bringing the funny is the one and only

halojones

. She has several funny moments spread out across all of her stories, but the most memorable one to me is the “corn threading” moment from

I Hate Myself for Loving You

. And here it is:

But his head popped up like a jack-in-the-box when I unsnapped his jeans button. I took a quick peek upwards - his jaw was dropped.

Damn, first Alice, now Edward. Why does everyone act like I'm such an ice crotch? You would have thought I was growing horns by the look on his face.

Husk...

I unzipped his zipper quickly - maybe a little too quickly, because he smarted like I snagged on something...which I tried not to think about too much. But then there was a problem I hadn't anticipated.. He sprung out of the gates with the unzipping, and I stared down south for a good long minute.

Good Lord. Special Guest Lisa from San Jose and Ray Ray didn't prepare me for this. It was like practicing on a Hot Wheels tricycle and then being road tested on a Harley.

"Bella," Edward asked softly.

Husk!

I just shook my head slightly, and shut him up with a kiss. I kept trying to push his pants down farther, but my mind kept racing back to the scene of the crime just moments earlier. And the fact that I was using corn language to handle the crime scene investigation was a good sign I was in over my head...

"Get It? Head?"

Shut up, Alice.

Edward hitched his hips up slightly to help me with his pants. I wiggled them down to his knees and he sat back down.

Crap, did I have to do this slip and slide thing all over again with his boxers too?

My question was answered by...Harley. He twitched right through the front opening of the boxers, presenting himself in all his glory.

God, it was odd to finally meet him face to face, when all these weeks we'd only met in passing on my thigh during makeout sessions on my bed. I almost felt like we should shake hands...

Oh wait, that's step two...

Grab the Base.

I took a quick breath through my nose and I grabbed. I grabbed firmly and confidently just like Ray Ray, letting Harley know who was in charge.

Which in turn, caused Edward to make a weird noise. Not that cute little squeak, or that low groan that I've heard before...but a sort of cry...

"Oh, shit, did I hurt you," I asked breathlessly.

He shook his head - a little too adamantly. "No, honey, you're fine. Just maybe a little less tight."

He was speaking through clenched teeth. That's a good sign, right?

Sure thing, less tight...I eased up slightly.

Thread...

I began to "thread" upwards, slowly. But something hit me as I started the ascent; there was friction going on, which I know was the point. But it seemed like a little too MUCH friction for his end. Like how it feels when someone gives you an Indian Burn on your arm in third grade...

That can't be a good sign, right?

I tried not to be too mortified as I threaded back down to homebase.

Hehe, I’m giggling after reading that and if you aren’t too, then I don’t know what to tell you. Cause that shit is funny. It's Bella’s innocence, inexperience and desire to please Edward, and do it right, that makes the moment sweet and meaningful while bringing the funny in spades.

Adding humor or comedy to a smut scene doesn’t diminish its meaningfulness to the characters or the story. The opposite in fact, it only increases it. Now comedy and humor are hard, probably the hardest thing to write in my opinion, but it’s worth the effort. You’ll be proud of what you written and your readers will enjoy it that much more.

Now the other category:

Real Sex

. Real sex in fanfiction doesn’t have to be a let-down or boring. Now sex in real life is funny, but not because it’s funny, I know that makes no sense but bare with me here.

In real life sex, people bump into each other, it’s messy and sweaty and kinda gross (come on, admit it - you know it’s true), there are weird faces and sounds, it can be mundane and a chore at times, awkward moments are prevalent,

hair gets pulled (and not in the good way), people rarely orgasm on command or even at the same time, the same thing with orgasm from penetration for women, premature ejaculation, legs and arms get in the way, men don’t recover immediately after orgasm, and coordinating movements can be a bitch (ever try moving from one position to another without some awkward fumbling? Yeah I didn’t think so).

But that’s what is real, that is actually happens during sex in real life. Real sex doesn’t often make an appearance in fanfiction, because again, we are looking for the fantasy when we look to fanfiction and fiction. No one really wants to read about the mechanics and what really happens in real sex, or do they?

The best example of inserting real life sex into fanfiction smut/sex that I know of is in

Consecuencias

by

Gustariana

. In this little snippet Bella makes her grocery list while her husband goes to town with his tongue.

Milk

Eggs
Cereal- I wonder if we should get Special K this time around.
Bacon
Are we running low on TP? I'll have to check before heading out.

God how long has it been? I am starting to get sore.

Shit, did he just say something?

"Bella, I could eat you for days," I heard my husband murmur.

Clearly I needed to pay more attention. It was crucial to keeping my husband happy. But after years of this I felt confident I knew just what to do or say, and still keep him happy. Besides, the dreaded dirty talk was anything but real to me. It was a recent addition to his repertoire. I was sure he got it from some cheap porn or something. I was still trying to understand why he felt we needed it, it felt so foreign.

As my mind wandered again and I started thinking of the laundry and bills I needed to pay, I had to force myself to get back to reality. To keep myself in the moment. I felt him rubbing at my clit while his tongue lapped around below. He was always so close and yet so far. This made the situation even more frustrating. It wasn't for his lack of trying- he clearly had a lot of enthusiasm. He just never hit the right spot, or his rhythm was off. There was always something, you know that feeling that something great is just out of your reach? Like if you stretch just a bit more you can reach it? That is how I felt about my orgasms- most of them were always just out of my reach. I was almost convinced it was me- his eagerness was really commendable. So, yeah, I must be the defective one.

After a few minutes, enough for me to figure out that this month we could pay a little bit more than the due amount on our Amex, I decided that my lack of focus was clearly an indication that it was just not going to happen tonight. I readied myself for an Oscar-worthy rendition that would put Sally to shame.

"Oh Yes... Yes... Oh God... Jake!" I yelled, while throwing my head back against the bed.

Now, I'm not ashamed to admit to doing just this a time or two during sexual relations. It’s honest and real and incredibly fucking funny. We feel for and identify with Bella because at one point, all of us have done that or felt that. We ‘get’ her right off the bat and understand her frustration.

It still can be magical or meaningful by adding certain real life sex attributes to a smut/sex scene. Interjecting something here and there doesn’t take away from the scene, it makes it real. Makes the characters real, makes the story that much more realistic to the reader.

I went digging for another example for this concept and didn’t come up with much. That just goes to show how underused it is. That is a shame. Again, I know most of us are looking for the fantasy, but by having the characters act in a realistic manner or have realistic experiences in the bedroom adds to their depth and our understanding of them.

So to sum up, smut/sex doesn’t have to always be so serious. It can affect the reader just as much by lightening up and adding a little humor or realism into the mix. Until next time, I wish you good smutting!

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manyafandom is the author who makes multiples romantic, slash delicious and brings the deviant goodness to the shack. She hopes to in the future to write an IC/Canon Pairing/Vamp story with No Smut to prove she really isn't as big of a perv/deviant as people think she is. She enjoys almost all kinds of twific as long as it's well written and has a good story.