Column: Fandom Etiquette: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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All good things must come to an end.

Quite honestly, I could whine and go on about the reviewing “rules” until you all give me the ultimate internet diss by… no longer reviewing? Whatever. I just wanted to use the word “diss”.

What I’m trying to say is that this is the last rule.

Aww. Dry your eyes, little etiqu-ettes. WTVOC always has something up her sleeve. But we’ll discuss that after this week’s topic.

1.Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.
3. We love it when you love it.
4. Constructive criticism can be appreciated as long as it’s not rude.
5. If you write a novel-length review, make it either:
~Fantastic
~Analytical in a good way
~So oddly skewed and word vomit-like that you just have to laugh
~Not contain the words “update”, “upload”, or any other not-so-clever synonym
~Especially not if it’s going to be the dreaded UPDATE SOON WALL O’DEATH (please see discussion for tip number 1)
~Any combination of the above.

Honestly, I can wax philosophical about this for some time. I love the rant reviews. They’re my favorite, for several reasons.

First off… man, you paid attention. And you often catch the things I neglected to mention or weren’t clear on. This is me getting all big-ego, but when I get a long review that enumerates not only what worked for them but the issues that they want addressed, it reminds me of English class back in high school where we were supposed to keep a running tab of questions from a book and I’d mark out in the margins my comments and questions, then transfer to a journal-like notebook that was folded into three columns: page number, quote, and notes. Your keen observations can often make or break a storyline; when you get the “why is Edward being such a dick? Update soon!” review, you shrug it off. And yeah, I just compared my crap to a piece of literature. Like I said, ego.

Anyway, when an articulate, observant, and well-written review comes in, you sit up and take notice. This is a person who is worthy of my time and effort, and perhaps I should address their points. One of my favorite reviewers is mommyofboth; she always writes these amazing summaries that leave no doubt in my mind that she thinks I am the greatest thing since grilled cheese sammiches or quite possibly Rob. And I almost never know what to say to these kinds of reviews, but I always try my best to respond. These reviews make me gush and they make me smile. If I blushed, they’d make me do that, too. We’ve been getting some seriously amazing reviews for Scotch lately… and I’m not even gonna lie. They make my day.

Another thing about long reviews is that they give the writer the impetus to write some more. All it really takes is two people to go on about how great the chapter was and I’m like “Aww. I should go give them a hug, a cookie, and a sneak preview.” Which I’ve been known to do. Minus the hug, of course.

A lot of the longer reviews make the whole asking for updates thing tolerable, too. And lemme tellya something- if a person takes the time out of their day to tell me the aspects they loved and cites specific examples from the chapter itself, well. It makes the sentence “I can’t wait for the next chapter” sound not like an update request, but like an excited person who is dying to see what words I can type next. Which is what all update requests are, I get that. These ones are just worded better and more artfully. It’s the difference between saying, “Make that casserole again, Ma,” and “Wow, Mother. I can’t remember the last time you made such a tasty meal. I really appreciated the juxtaposition of flavors; the way you managed to artfully arrange both broccoli and red peppers in a creamy alfredo sauce while retaining the robust roast chicken element was nothing short of astounding. If you saw fit, I’d surely appreciate it if you could remember exactly what spices you used so that the next time you’re making it, I can invite some friends over to enjoy the deliciousness within. And please, Mother. Do make this again. I will love you forever if you do.”

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So these are my observations about reviewin’, folks. There’s more, I’m sure. And I shall continue to ponder the fandom and reviews and the like, but these five “rules” here are going to be my five. My little contribution to this blog.

I have decided to venture into something new.

Let’s see if this works.

Basically… I wanna hear what you guys wonder about. Go ahead and ask me! We’re trying this out, see how it works. Ask me a question. Twilight fanfiction. The fandom in general. Rob. Writing. What it’s like for a fic writer. What it’s like to get reviews. What it’s like to go to school and be mom and wife and write. This blog. Twilighted. Trying to organize an awards thingie. Rob. The movies.

You get the picture.

I invite you to participate in this blog article by sending your questions to dearwtvoc@gmail.com . Or, I suppose, you can email me and tell me what you really think of me in a not-so-public forum. I expect that. Mostly… I want you all to be involved with this. I’m looking forward to seeing what you guys come up with! I’ll answer questions, but I’ll tell you now- I will NOT share your email address. So if you’d like to remain anonymous, that’s fine.

And I’ll do my best to answer all questions, whether they be put on this here blog or personally. Or both. I dunno, man. I’m flying by the seat of my pants at this point.

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wtvoc’s quickie review etiquette number five:

Never think you have nothing to say. We love the reviews, even if they simply say “Loved it!” Review. Just do it. You know you wanna.

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withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a colloborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
wtvoc on FF
The Eddies & The Bellies

Column: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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I feel the impending deadline looming. Too many things. Too many eggs in one basket.

So I wrote my ginormous term research paper first because apparently, I’m a responsible adult. Then I wrote an update to MHBL. Then this blog.

I hope the MHBL update doesn’t suck donkey schlong. But if it does? There’s a few of you who will let me know.

Yes, that was my lame segue way into today’s rule:
1. Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.
3. We love it when you love it.
4. Constructive criticism can be appreciated as long as it’s not rude.

Yeah, that kind of sounds like an extension of rule number two, but it’s really a whole ‘nother topic altogether. Here’s the thing: with very few exceptions, fanfiction writers are not professionals. Or should I say- we don’t get paid to entertain you. Most of us are not even trained via degree of the Arts variety, and many of us are still in college or bored Mommies or what-have-you. A LOT OF US DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE DOING.

So… the more thick-skinned amongst us can take criticism, and a lot of us actually look forward to it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong! I’m floundering here!

(Yeah, that’s not me. But I asked a bunch of other writers to give me a soundbite on this, and I got some good and varied and some err… spirited responses.)

But you tell me about a fic writer who gets the “in the sixth paragraph of this chapter, you spelled it ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’” and tells the reviewer to perform fellatio on their own mother via review response, and I’ll tell you about the writer of an uber-popular fic who got a review questioning whether Edward would really, truly think like that- and the fic writer starts to question their motivations for fic writing, for ever having purchased their new MacBook Pro, and whether they should shuffle this mortal coil in a nosedive of emo-ness that makes them cry into their corn flakes for days.

The thing is this- there’s constructive and there’s plain ole complainin’.

For example: there are two ways to say “Huh?”

What? I don’t get it. Why are they in a lake?

That’s not exactly rude (trust. These can get rude), but it ain’t really constructive, either.

So, they’re in a lake. I get that. But is there a deeper meaning? I think I may have missed something. Could you explain that, please?

or possibly

I think the lake is being used as a metaphor here, but if so, either it’s a little confusing, or I’m completely lost. Maybe both. Could you possibly clarify that for me?

Sure, the distinction is subtle. But that first one is flat and to me, it reads rude. Kind of like the difference between saying “Is there salt?” and “Would you please pass me the salt, if it’s not too much trouble?”
So, how to be constructive without being rude?

I went the cheap way to answer. Here’s what other authors have to say:

Constructive criticism doesn't imply you have to be mean. Say things in a nice way and point out that you're just trying to help. –cdunbar

[A] reader pointed out possible concerns that I may have otherwise overlooked while writing Chapter 45. Now I realize that addressing them, even in a minor way, would make my plot more feasible to the audience. Usually, when my readers offer truly constructive crit, they are doing so for multiple reasons: Firstly, because they want to see me progress as a writer, and because they are invested in the story and want to see it executed to its full potential, and lastly, because they truly appreciate the work. A real constructively critical review is fic gold. Key word: Constructive. –angstgoddess003

When given correctly, criticism can help a writer grow. It is what authors want, not to be told just that something doesn't work but WHY it doesn't work so the writer can think about how to defend their points better in the future. –emibella

Constructive criticism can be incredibly helpful to a story and an author. I mean, we all have room for improvement. Constructive criticism can help you realize a plot hole you weren't aware of (we do all sometimes make mistakes) , if something seems out of character, or maybe just that they don't like where you're taking the story. I don't always agree with what is said, but as long as it's worded with respect, I always welcome and appreciate it. It's much better than just lying and saying you enjoyed something when you didn't. And I love when I can respond and figure out why they felt that way. –americnxidiot (ASK PAT IF YOU CAN BUY A VOWEL NEXT TIME, WOMAN)

I like con crit if it is specific. Like, if it is a style criticism, say : you use too many adjectives.
If it is a plot crit: I can't believe you made this happen; that's totally counterproductive.
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT IF YOU'RE GONNA CRITICIZE ME. –thallium81/jfly/babysitter extraordinaire

There is a difference between being criticized and having your work constructively criticized.
I think someone mentioned once before the “sandwich” technique for giving feedback, and when I'm reviewing and have something I didn't like or found “off”, that is the method I use. Start and end with the positives and the meat, cheese and condiments are the points that you had issue with. At least that way, though you are indicating topics that need work, you're still padding the blow by giving them something to build upon. –ninapolitan (who won an award from me for relating condiments to reviews)

It should be relevant to the chapter you are reviewing, and it should make sense. If you are going to criticize something, make sure you actually know what you are pointing out. Half the ones I get are actually addressed in the chapter and I’m not sure if pointing out grammar or typos count as a review, but that may just be me. I mean, if you said, “This chapter was okay but I was horribly distracted by the typos,” etc., then that would be better than “This chapter was great. You need a beta.” –edwardzukorocks/angel/loverofdavidboreanaz

Never comment on style or technique, as it's not your place to criticize such a personal thing in a review. In fact, keep constructive criticism limited to PM's. –jenwordsong

Being critical is fine, as long as you are NICE. Writers know that they sometimes lose readers, but what they almost never know is WHY. If you can articulate the weaknesses of a chapter and how that sits within your own preferences, then you are helping that author. Be honest with yourself though. If you don't like a story because of a bias, e.g. you almost always hate Jacob/Bella, put that in there, too - that way the author will get the full picture. –pastiche pen the porn peddler

You take it in stride because you have to, because you know deep down it'll make you better. You hope that whoever wrote it wants you to improve because they understand what you're doing and they want it to be as good as it can be, but you fear they're just complaining to be a dick, that they want to get under your skin because they have nothing better to do. You really have to be open to the criticism for it to do any good; you can't run around thinking you're infallible and that no one has anything to offer because you'd be wrong.
If I give advice, it means that I believe in what you're doing and that I want your piece to be as good as you want it to be. It doesn't mean that I think you're shit, or that I'm the all-knowing, all-powerful sensei. It doesn't mean you have to take it, and it certainly doesn't mean that I need to get a three page reply note listing all the reasons why my opinion is wrong. All it means is that I know you can be better and I'll back you every step of the way. We're all learning, all growing, and none of us is going to get stronger if we're just constantly patted on the back and told that everything is wonderful and nothing is wrong. That's what I like about fanfiction. It's a community coming together to support each other and foster talent.'” -upthedownslide

If you truly respect the writer, you will want them to be better. Feeding to their ego will not help them. It breeds complacency, and they won’t feel the need to grow.
Don’t be personal in constructive crit, because we have enough psycho bullies out there.
Don’t curse, mind your manners.
And don’t try to tell how to write our story- “I wish the characters would just fuck already”-
But if one of the characters is getting obnoxious with their snark, tell us.
If we use a metaphor that you don’t understand, tell us.
But don’t say "I don’t understand" and not point out what specifically is confusing you. –gallantcorkscrews (I love that I had to beta that, gcs. Heh heh)

It should be specific in nature, and preferably given by someone who knows what the fuck they are talking about. -siDEADde

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So there you have it. All excellent points, really. I’d like to point out that I bombarded those lovely broads in their chat boxes, so I edited the typos and added capitalization, etc. These responses were all pretty much off the top of their heads, too.

Now, I could go on about it, but I think they’ve all covered the topic nicely. THANKS FOR DOING MY JOB FOR ME, LADIES. BACK TO MY HIDEY-HOLE OF PRE-CLINICAL PAPERWORK.

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wtvoc’s quickie etiquette rule number four:

Requests in reviews. Stop it. This ain’t so much a quickie topic, but whatever. I know I’m not the only author who gets these.

o I get asked to beta. Like, a lot. While I would love to clean up most of the stuff out there, I simply don’t have the time. I love that you asked, but I’ll just say here and now that the answer is “no”. Forever and to everyone unless you can prove you’re Rob, just… no.
o I wish I could read your story. I do. But I don’t even have time to read what I have on alert, much less add something new to the rotation. I applaud you for jumping into fanfiction, though. Kudos!
o I am not taking story ideas at this time. In fact… I never have. Thank you, though.
o Yes, that sounds great. But no, that’s not what I’m going to have Edward/Bella/Jasper/Carlisle/Karl the Janitor doing for the next chapter. Speculation is fine; saying “you should do this” is not. Unless you know me, and you know that I will take it as the joke that it is.
o No, I have no idea which anime story that is and I most certainly will not write you a birthday fanfic Twilight crossover oneshot. (I really got that request once. I laughed for days.)

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withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a colloborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
wtvoc on FF
The Eddies & The Bellies

Column: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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Love is in the air…

Not ‘cuz of VD aftermath; hale no. I actually intensely dislike Valentine’s Day. Flowers, chocolates. Promises you don’t intend to keep. Come on. Real love is when he changes your oil for you and never leaves dirty socks under the table and says stuff like, “Babe. Your ham and cheese omelets are better than Mom’s.”

But I digress.

Let’s jump right into this week’s topic.

1. Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.
3. We love it when you love it.

Of course we do.

Actually, most reviews are nothing but love. Loooovely love. You guys may have no idea how much a really sweet little note can make us smile. A simple OHMYCULLEN THAT WAS AMAZING is always appreciated.

And there are several ways to express this.

Most reviews of the love oeuvre are a few lines about how great the chapter was, can’t wait for the next one, so glad Edward finally said I LOVE YOU, etc.

But the ones that I would like to pay tribute to right now are what I refer to as “word vomit” paragraphs.

You authors know what I’m talkin’ about.

The review that is just… a barrage of information about how affected the person was by what they just read. Coupled with theories, quotes from the story itself, and comparisons to previous chapters that may or may not include the words “best chapter yet”.

How can you not be charmed by this?

I mean, for one thing- I see that you were just so excited by the update that you can barely contain yourself, and that’s simply amazing. I mean, yeah. We write this stuff and put it out there, praying for the best with eyes squinty and fingers crossed, hoping against hope that it made sense to people aside from ourselves, our betas, and our friends who we beg for validation but secretly think are just saying YOU DON’T SUCK NOW SHUT UP like any good friend would.

So like, when you lovely readers/strangers just burst with excitement… dude. Dude. Best. Feeling. Ever. I suspect it’s why so many of us continue writing The Fic.

But I wanna return to this word vomit thing and give an amazing example.

Example: I read a lot of fic. Like ridiculous amounts. I think it's a pregnant hormonal thing but who knows. I am seriously floored by your updates sometimes. They're always amazing but I read a chapter like this one and I'm just stunned by it's awesomeness. Like how do you even decide that a lake is a metaphor for their relationship. Seriously. Fucking. Incredible. And - you pulled a Jacob on me. I spent all of New Moon and Eclipse hating Jacob. Couldn't appreciate him at all. Then BD comes along and I'm able to enjoy Jacob. You did that and you actually did it better. I was so stressed out about Bella chosing gin that I didn't stop and enjoy it. This is my favorite Jasper of all time. I couldn't appreciate him at the time but I want awesomeness for him. I trust that you will whip out redemption for Alice and again blow me away.

Stuff like this tickles me and makes me respond. I mean… you can just feel the love and it makes you all kinds of love in return.

K, I’mma shift gears now.

If you don’t know how to write a love review and are more of the simple or uncomplicated review persuasion… you can do what I do occasionally.

1. Open up your update.
2. Scroll down to the bottom.
3. Click review.
4. Scroll back up.
5. Commence reading.
6. Every time something hits you… copy & paste.
7. Insert into review box.
8. One line on why you love it, maybe in ALL CAPS so the author sees it easily.
9. Submit when done.

Easy to accomplish, and well- I often get people saying “Too many good lines to remember” or some such thing, and I think this C&P thing is a good way to go. Because no matter how non-ego-driven some writers are (and I obviously don’t mean me), having your own words quoted back at you? Nice little purr purr purr-inducing moments, those.

Other ways to show love:

* “I had the worst day ever, but I saw you updated and I put down my essay prompt/laundry/small child and clicked”
* “People in my office/computer lab/family are looking at me funny because I keep laughing”
* Thanking me for updating. Jmeyer, one of my fave reviewers, always ends a review by saying “Thank you for writing”. Now, that’s simple, but dude. If you ask me, it’s the perfect thing to say. And jmeyer, always and forever… you’re welcome.
* Your theories. Don’t expect an answer, but I totally love hearing what you think I’m going to do next.
* Song suggestions, things the update reminded you of, money donations, etc. I love hearing what songs you guys have- I’m kind of a music whore if you hadn’t noticed, and I love getting the suggestions for cool new indie bands that you send. And the fanart? Sheesh. Talk about super duper love. There are some uber-talented ladies up in this here Fandom.

So yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Sorry. Not too much snark this week. I’m too busy basking in the LoveFest. And Awards thingie-ing. GO VOTE. MAKE SUSAN B. ANTHONY PROUD. Clickies down there somewhere.

Eddies and Bellies

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wtvoc’s quickie review etiquette number 3:

We do not need you to tell us where to take the fic. And threatening us with “you’d better make them have sex soon!” will mostly likely prolong the long-awaited sex scene or whatever it is.

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withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a collaborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
WTVOC on FF
The Eddies & The Bellies

Column: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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Ok ladies and gentlemen. We are back this Saturday with our other Columnist - withthevampsofcourse. Now, her last post was a touch on the controversial side, however, that will not impact her future posts. Her trademark snark and witty banter is a part of this fandom. A huge part. It's appreciated by some and distasteful to others. Does that make her voice any less important? Hale no. So I'm going to DISCLAIMER READERS HERE because apparently my first disclaimer was not adequate:

A community requires ALL types to function. What's good or bad is completely subjective and therefore YOUR opinion may not be MINE, HERS or HIS and vice versa. Please respect that and behave with a measure of tolerance toward our fellow ficsters who ALSO happen to be real flesh and blood Human Beings with Feelings. So if this material is not to your tastebuds...please move right along. There are recs and other items on here that swim along the neutral river quite smoothly.

This Blog is meant for the Community as a whole and opinions expressed here are those of the poster...meaning I'm not into censoring peoples' voices for more delicate sensibilities regardless if we ALL agree on the content or not. So PLAY NICE or DON'T PLAY. Discussion, intelligent questioning, accolades and even blatant disagreement is encouraged...as long as it's RESPECTFUL to the Blogger and Commentors. If it's not...I won't allow it through moderation. Sorry. But I have a responsibility to the people who visit and provide to TLYDF to maintain a SAFE place for them to air their views.

Now, I step off my Smellyia Soap Box and dust off my chaps and present to you.....

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Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide To Reviews

Apparently, I am a pot stirrer.

And I figure I should have seen this coming and have prefaced my blog with a little blurb about why I feel that I’m slightly qualified to rant about reviews.

But to preface my review preface, I wanna make something clear here:

I will cut myself if my ranting discourages reviews.

This is meant more as my dry, subtle, witty (yes, yes. it’s witty, dammit) way of getting you to pay attention. Highlight the things in reviews that authors (read: withthevampsofcourse) love, cringe at, or spiral into a bad day from. I often get people saying, “I don’t know how to write a review.” Well, pull up a wireless keyboard, love. ‘Cuz I can and will type your ear off. But first, I wanted to address the whole “who the fuck does she think she is?” issue.

So allow me to do that for a bit before moving on with today’s rule: Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.

I am opinionated, loud, and verbose. So, when asked, I really can talk about any subject, and I will. I think it’s fun. Not everyone thinks I’m funny, and that’s totally cool.

Now, as a preface to the review thing-

I realize that in Twilight Fandom, there are tens of thousands of stories. But maybe, what, a few hundred that get over a thousand reviews? I use a thousand as the number because, well, when compared to say, B&B (if you don’t know what that stands for… then welcome to the fandom), which has over 10k, that’s well, only ten percent.

But most authors out there probably get stoked when they break their first hundred. I know I did the first time it happened to me.

I have three stories over a thousand. Two are co-authored. I’d put myself on that list of authors with a good following. Therefore… my perspective on reviews is vastly different from say, that of a new author. Or even that of one who’s written thirteen stories with under 100 reviews apiece. Or that of a reader. Not everyone is going to be able to relate to my views on the subject.

But here’s the thing-

To those of you who refer to me as a “popular” author, whether you like me or hate me or don’t give a crap about me- a lot of you don’t know what it’s like to get so many reviews a day. I’m not big ego-ing here, or what was it- self-gratifying myself. Trust me; when I’m self-gratifying, you’ll know ‘cuz I’m damned loud. I’m simply saying a lot of you don’t know because you don’t sit in my dilapidated Target desk chair and read things that call you a lazy ass who needs to update faster, the greatest duo in fanfic history, a disappointment, your next wife, or a fucking bitch (that will never stop chafing). So this whole column is from the perspective of someone who is lucky enough to write stuff people respond to who gets told daily how great she is. But I also get put in my place or the hater’s place or whoever’s place it is where the oft-chastised for lackadaisical updating-ness go on a frequent basis.

So please, understand that I don’t speak for everyone. I speak for me. And quite possibly others. But only my name is on this here thing.

With that, let’s talk about today’s rule. Hold up. Lemme put my ego-driven nonsense-writing hat back on. Enough of this somber shit.

1. Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.

I have a theory about this that I’ve run by several of you, so go with me here.

Have you noticed that I say what I want? If it’s on my mind… I go with it.

The thing is… I reread what I wrote before posting, and I often find that I delete delete delete if it makes me sound like a complete douche as opposed to a partial douche, or if it doesn’t have the intended connotation of sarcasm/snark/disappointment/sardonic amusement/etc.

But I can guarantee that I have never left someone a review that called them a fucking bitch, even if I knew them.

I write hard, talk harder, and play hardest. I fucking enjoy life, man. So when I go to a website or post in a forum or guest write for a blog, I go balls-to-the-wall. I don’t LOL or say ^^^what she said^^^. I insert opinion here in that dry way that I have come to be known for.

Then, when I update, I write these crazy author’s notes that often get their own review. I just… have things to say. You don’t wanna read, we’re five by five, dude. I don’t wanna read your shit, either. The thing is this-

The way I type really is the way I talk. So people maybe read my shit for months, see the crazy verbal vomit I post on twilighted (or nice little blogs)… and then one day, they come out and review. Which I love.

However… they don’t know me, and I certainly don’t know them. Nothing wrong with that… until you sit back and analyze the crazy things people say to me in reviews sometimes. I am a stranger to you; you might feel you know me from my stories or my posts on twilighted, and hell. I invite familiarity with my words, and I do love it when people come and “talk” to me. I do.

This is not to say that I enjoy the rude. I do not talk with my mouth full of food, I try to sit up straight, I always signal when making a lane change, and I do not tell complete strangers that they suck for leaving it “like that”.

Alls you gotta do is PM or email me, and as long as you don’t sound like Jennifer Jason Leigh, I will most likely respond back. But if it’s your first few times reviewing, please. Don’t tell me I write egotistical nonsense. Don’t demand an update. Don’t call me any permutation of bitch, whether it’s dumb or fucking or stupid or lazy. At least until you buy me a Starbucks (venti salted caramel hot chocolate with four shots of espresso, s’il vous plait) and know what my first name is, anyway.

What I’m trying to say is this:

Reread what you wrote. Self-edit. If it’s something you wouldn’t turn in to your professor in an email, perhaps you’d best not post it. Or, if it makes you at all hesitate- read it out loud. This is also advice I give to my little beta-ettes, or anyone who is writing the fic, really, but that’s not my topic to discuss.

Now, let’s analyze a doozy of a review, shall we? And no, I ain’t telling which story of mine it’s for.

Wah ! You're telling me I spent 3 hours reading your story (well, reading and
sneaking outta bed to get food XD) for you to just write an amazing story
(partly, cus its not COMPLETE!!) 0: and I find out that it takes you a while
to update?! Do you KnOW how much that's killing me ?! Get yer LazyAss up and
get WRITING!! Sheesh! L0L! Jus GO! Please? I'll review and read every story of
your's and every chapter and jandco's if you hurry and update cus I really
need to know what happens to ExB !! Its killing me! 0: Anyways, did I mention
how much I love you and how great this story is? :)

Oh, Yeah.
So, I was totally just kidding about the get your lazyass up part XD
but please do hurry! I'll bake you some goody edwardness cake with bella (or
you XD) on top! :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

In many ways, this is an extension of rule one. But dude. I get that she loved it; I do. Almost all of my reviews are, at the heart, an excited reader who loved the story. I understand.

So, I’m not the only one who takes issue with this review, right? I swear, I sat down at 6:45am that morning, cracked open my Diet Coke, stalked jandco ‘til she validated my existence, and then checked my email. As per usual.

This was maybe the fourth or fifth one I read. And dude. I was pissed. I almost didn’t finish reading the thing to realize she was simply excited. (I’m not even devoting time to that mini smiley wall o’doom over there. Hot mess.)

Confession: I enjoy when things like this fuel my fire by having egregious errors in not only format and grammar, but in spelling, alternate-spelling, and in containing chat-speak and the smilies. SMILIES. Wall o’doom, people. Wall o’doom. Okay, maybe more like picket fence o’doom.

Now, allow me to say this: I don’t mind criticism. It DOES take me a while to update. And I almost felt the need to defend myself to this person, to say something like “I’m sorry. I’m validating seventy-one stories for the Awards I’m doing with Limona as well as beta-ing for several people, trying to remove the broken-off portable USB drive in my heart over that blog comment by Anonymous Ashley while dealing with a certain-unnamed phone carrier who can bite my twat and oh yeah, both my grandpa and uncle died in the last week.” But you know what? She didn’t need to know that. Why should I defend my three week in-between to a total stranger?

I shouldn’t.

So I didn’t. I did, however, send her a url for this blog. So if you’re reading this, honey, know that I ain’t mad or anything. But please… listen to what I’m saying.

Reviews make me happy because they can say some truly lift-me-outta-fail things. In fact, I’m writing this end bit here post-Scotch update, and hell. Either all of you awesome reviewers read this blog or people are just getting amazing up in this interwebs thing because the reviews are stellar. And so many! I don’t think I’ve ever had such a spate of long, well-articulated, and lovely reviews for an update before. You guys responded to my “challenge” and have left me a little breathless from it all. And I haven’t responded to so many reviews in ages.

Now, go look at them. Count the number of “update soon”s. There aren’t many.

In fact… they’re all sweet, wonderfully composed, and well, most of them are just shocked about the wrench that we threw into the works. Heh heh. Suckers. But seriously…. thank you guys, from the bottom of my cold, dead heart. I am humbled and in love with everyone’s reviews this week.

No, wait. Review etiquette. Right.

YOU DON’T KNOW ME.

That’s where I was going. So when you act familiar with me, I’m cool with it. But not with the rude. Please. Never with the rude. What would your mother say? Or more importantly, what would my mother say, because she has no problem with correcting people’s inadequacies to their face, but to be fair- Mom doesn’t do it unless she feels it’s a serious transgression in etiquette.

To put it simply: in the review barrage I got for Scotch, reading one hundred reviews in one sitting… ninety-nine were so amazing and long and wonderful and just heart-warming. But the only one I can recall with clarity is the one person who said she is going to stop reading because we are going Bella/Jasper.

Your (probably unintentional) harsh words hurt. They just do.

So this is me as my little brown mother, asking you to self-edit. But REVIEW. Please, review. Not just me, but any story you love. Twilight has such an amazing fandom that is filled with the wondrous, the strange, the lovely, the frighteningly shocking and the superfantasmagorical; so click that little button and tell the author something like “Dude. You’re killing me and I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed my own homicide so much” or “ACK. I cannot believe you ended it there, and I will be refreshing my browser in the vain hope that I somehow missed the new chapter notice every hour” or “You are so amazing that I wish you were my neighbor so I could come over to borrow a cup of sugar and distract you while I download your hard drive” or whatever else you can come up with that is a super subtle way to ask for an update. Without being rude. Or calling the person a bitch. Come on. Do it. Make Mama proud.

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wtvoc’s quickie review etiquette number 2:

“Your doing a good job.” First off… “you’re”. It’s “you’re”. Secondly… not my job. No one pays me to do this. It makes me feel like my boss Bill Lumberg just came up with his coffee mug and mm’kayed me about my fic.

---

withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a collaborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
wtvoc on FF
The Eddies & The Bellies

Column: Fandom Etiquette: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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Smellyia peeping in again and it is my GREAT PLEASURE to introduce you all to...withthevampsofcourse's Fandom Etiquette Column. That's right...I said column. Which basically means that you will be privy to this little missie's pearls of wisdom whenever she feels like doling them out indiscriminately. Since that is fairly often, you can mostly count on her "proper presence" here at any given time. No worries...her rapier wit shouldn't cut you too deep.

Disclaimer: This is not for the faint of heart. Proceed at your own risk. Save your complaints. Either laugh it off or don't read. While there are some truths here, not all authors will necessarily agree with this. I, for one, love it, but maintain that "update soon" is not offensive to me. I take whatever I can get ;). However, mean demands for updates or incessant harassment that many fellow authors have sustained in the past should never be tolerated.

Hello, duckies! It’s your Dirty Uncle WTVOC!

If you’re astute enough, you’ll see the weighty hints Smellyia and I have been droppin’ up here in this blog as to me writing something for you.

I’m trying to remember how this came to be, but all I can come up with is:

~Angel eggs on my nonsensical ranting
~Smellyia is an enabler and good friend
~Give me any topic and I will wax philosophical at length, regardless of my knowledge on the topic.

Thankfully for you all, this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart.

So, a while back, it was decided that I would talk about reviewing. This snowballed into the world’s longest blog post (5,313 words of fury and trust me, I could have written much more), transformed into a collaboration, and now… has metamorphamasizickized into

withthevampsofcourse’s Fanfic Etiquette: How to leave a review

Here I shall introduce “the rules” of reviewing, my thoughts on the subject, and well. Whatever else comes up. So come along, dear heart; grab a seat, keep your hands inside the tram at all times, do not feed the bears… and take notes, please. Not everyone is my buddy limona, who loves every reviewer and responds to all of them; most writers are like me- grumpy old bastards who only respond to the reviews that deserve a response.

Unfortunately, a lot of those seem to be the rude ones. And eventually… you get tired of dignifying even those with a response.

You may or may not have read my stuff or have spoken to me or have seen my annoyingly ubiquitous presence on twilighted.net . But a brief intro to withthevampsofcourse: I have a decent readership, and how do you say… enthusiastic reviewers. Plus, I have a symbiotic, co-dependent relationship with jandco, who has a bigger audience than I do because she’s fuckgood. This partnership in writing and in life adds to my internet persona, I think.

I have ranted on bad reviews before. Several times. Extensively. Many of you are amused because I really do seem to draw out the crazies. I’ve been called the Don King of Smut, I’ve been called a fucking bitch for leaving it on a cliffhanger. I’ve been accused of plagiarizing Welcome Home more than once and have had it plagiarized more times than I care to recall. I have been asked to “read my story and lemme know what you think”, and above all else I have been asked to PLEZ UPDATE SOON LULZ, not even two minutes after I’ve updated.

So, keeping those things in mind, know that verbal diarrhea is my forte, and well- you ought to be able to figure out that I am a little cocky. Why do I get to talk about reviews? Here’s my statistics, because most people can be manipulated with numbers. As of this moment, my stories have a sum total of 5,402 reviews. I don’t say this to impress; I say it to point out that I’ve read 5,402 of my own reviews (and well… I’ve read all of jandco’s, too, but for now I’m leaving her out of it) and that’s where this comes from. Too many people use the number of reviews as an indication of a story’s goodness, but that’s another topic for another day. If you wanna get technical, 5,402 reviews is either ~600 per story or ~77 per chapter. Okay, that still sounds decent. I just like pointing out how to manipulate… oh, never mind.

I’ve read a lot of reviews. I’ve been affected by all of them.

You’re a liar if you say they don’t affect you.

Keeping these things in mind… may I present for your consideration withthevampsofcourse’s fanfic etiquette: how to leave a review. I shall remind you of each rule as I go, but for now, here’s the first and, in my opinion, the most important.


1). Don’t ask for an update.

So, when I randomly hit up other authors with the vague question, “What bugs you about reviews?”, this was the number one instant response.

And dude, we know. We’re working on it. We completely understand that you got caught up and want to know more, like- now. So do we. The thing is this: stuff gets in the way. Real life gets in the way.

But we love the enthusiasm; we do.

And I don’t care who you are, you care about your reviews. You just do. Some people are more… emphatic about getting those reviews and fish for them. Hell, I’ve been known to dangle tidbits in exchange for reviews before. But here’s why: even the most confident fanfiction writers (that’s me, by the way, in case you never noticed) feel varying levels of insecurity about their ability to effectively tell a story, and we are genuinely curious what you think. We want to know. Sometimes we need to know where to take the story, and whether the direction we were thinking of going was where we want to go. Whether what we just put out there made sense to anyone aside from our fanfic alter-egos.

So waking up after an update and seeing that inbox screaming 75 NEW MESSAGES makes us squee just as much as you do when you see CHAPTER 16 OF SCOTCH, GIN AND THE NEW GIRL screaming in yours. We love it. What could possibly be better than throwing yourself out there and having people respond to it?

Here’s the thing. We are not getting paid for this. We ignore several things to write these stories- husbands, boyfriends, children, laundry, tests on fluid & electrolyte imbalance. So why? Why do we do it? For me, I have a thousand things running through my head at any given moment, and I like to share. Hit me up in my chatbox sometime and you’ll know what I mean. Writing is my escape. It used to be reading The Fic, but now I’m in the middle of what, four stories? And I find myself thinking up new ideas every day and have had to tell myself NO. I have less time to read anymore because I’m so busy writing (or, okay, chatting).

So to have a complete stranger- someone who you will never know whether they prefer Plain or Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch or what they TiVo or whether they call it “soda” or “pop” tell you that they absolutely love your story and cannot wait to see where you take them? That’s an amazing feeling, and it gives you motivation to continue writing.

Now, picture this: you have had a long-ass day. You woke up this morning and your kids had consumed an entire box of your sun-dried tomato Wheat Thins and drawn a cemetery on your living room walls in crayon. Your husband called and requested that you wash his work clothes, you have to go to the post office and it’s pouring rain, the laundry is glaring at you, mocking you with its height, and you just realized you’re out of milk, eggs, cheese- and, horror upon horrors- there’re only two Diet Cokes left in the fridge.

Naturally, your response to Real Life is to flip on the computer to see what everyone thought of the update that you posted late last night.

omg, this ** is amazing. A-MAZ-ING. Please update... like... now.

can't wait for more

please put up a new chapter soon!!

i want...no...need more!

please update! :]

I loved this chapter -- please continue, I want to know what happens... :D

update soon...

AH!
cant wait for the next onE!

Excellent chapter.Can't wait for the next installment.

And so forth. These are all off the same page of reviews for Scotch.

Now, granted. Not all contained the dreaded “update”. But can you see how reading the same thing over and over sort of… hurts? Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but the way I see it- you click a button. You’re overwhelmed by the chapter and maybe can’t remember everything you loved. But dude. It doesn’t take more than a few seconds to say this:

So I spent the day with the in-laws yesterday and while my SIL told me I had gained weight (it's only 2 ** pounds dammit)and my MIL made snarky remarks about my cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing abilities I kept reminding myself that there was a Scotch update to read. You may have actually kept me from getting arrested. Really, thank you for updating during such a busy time of year.

This was from that same page of reviews. Funny, had details, and never once asked for an update.

She gets it.

This kind of review motivates me to write more. It also motivates me to respond, which I believe I did.

While we’re on the subject, do not do this:

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ UPDATE SOON PLEZ

No, really. I’ve gotten this review. More than once. I know I’m not the only one. We call it the “Update Wall O’Death”. Who was it I told that you know you’ve “made it” when you get this review?

I am never amused by it, ever.

So yeah. We writers completely understand this need to want to know what’s coming like, now. But demanding an update or PMing for an update and only the update is just… it’s abrupt. It tells us nothing other than you are impatient and quite possibly inarticulate. Either don’t do it or do it in such a way that we’re left thinking, “You know what? For you… I will.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

wtvoc’s quickie review etiquette number 1:

IM/Chat-speak is annoying as shit. Cut it out. And I wish the lul-catz would die. That’s right. I said it.

withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a colloborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
wtvoc on FF
The Eddies & The Bellies