Column: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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Love is in the air…

Not ‘cuz of VD aftermath; hale no. I actually intensely dislike Valentine’s Day. Flowers, chocolates. Promises you don’t intend to keep. Come on. Real love is when he changes your oil for you and never leaves dirty socks under the table and says stuff like, “Babe. Your ham and cheese omelets are better than Mom’s.”

But I digress.

Let’s jump right into this week’s topic.

1. Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.
3. We love it when you love it.

Of course we do.

Actually, most reviews are nothing but love. Loooovely love. You guys may have no idea how much a really sweet little note can make us smile. A simple OHMYCULLEN THAT WAS AMAZING is always appreciated.

And there are several ways to express this.

Most reviews of the love oeuvre are a few lines about how great the chapter was, can’t wait for the next one, so glad Edward finally said I LOVE YOU, etc.

But the ones that I would like to pay tribute to right now are what I refer to as “word vomit” paragraphs.

You authors know what I’m talkin’ about.

The review that is just… a barrage of information about how affected the person was by what they just read. Coupled with theories, quotes from the story itself, and comparisons to previous chapters that may or may not include the words “best chapter yet”.

How can you not be charmed by this?

I mean, for one thing- I see that you were just so excited by the update that you can barely contain yourself, and that’s simply amazing. I mean, yeah. We write this stuff and put it out there, praying for the best with eyes squinty and fingers crossed, hoping against hope that it made sense to people aside from ourselves, our betas, and our friends who we beg for validation but secretly think are just saying YOU DON’T SUCK NOW SHUT UP like any good friend would.

So like, when you lovely readers/strangers just burst with excitement… dude. Dude. Best. Feeling. Ever. I suspect it’s why so many of us continue writing The Fic.

But I wanna return to this word vomit thing and give an amazing example.

Example: I read a lot of fic. Like ridiculous amounts. I think it's a pregnant hormonal thing but who knows. I am seriously floored by your updates sometimes. They're always amazing but I read a chapter like this one and I'm just stunned by it's awesomeness. Like how do you even decide that a lake is a metaphor for their relationship. Seriously. Fucking. Incredible. And - you pulled a Jacob on me. I spent all of New Moon and Eclipse hating Jacob. Couldn't appreciate him at all. Then BD comes along and I'm able to enjoy Jacob. You did that and you actually did it better. I was so stressed out about Bella chosing gin that I didn't stop and enjoy it. This is my favorite Jasper of all time. I couldn't appreciate him at the time but I want awesomeness for him. I trust that you will whip out redemption for Alice and again blow me away.

Stuff like this tickles me and makes me respond. I mean… you can just feel the love and it makes you all kinds of love in return.

K, I’mma shift gears now.

If you don’t know how to write a love review and are more of the simple or uncomplicated review persuasion… you can do what I do occasionally.

1. Open up your update.
2. Scroll down to the bottom.
3. Click review.
4. Scroll back up.
5. Commence reading.
6. Every time something hits you… copy & paste.
7. Insert into review box.
8. One line on why you love it, maybe in ALL CAPS so the author sees it easily.
9. Submit when done.

Easy to accomplish, and well- I often get people saying “Too many good lines to remember” or some such thing, and I think this C&P thing is a good way to go. Because no matter how non-ego-driven some writers are (and I obviously don’t mean me), having your own words quoted back at you? Nice little purr purr purr-inducing moments, those.

Other ways to show love:

* “I had the worst day ever, but I saw you updated and I put down my essay prompt/laundry/small child and clicked”
* “People in my office/computer lab/family are looking at me funny because I keep laughing”
* Thanking me for updating. Jmeyer, one of my fave reviewers, always ends a review by saying “Thank you for writing”. Now, that’s simple, but dude. If you ask me, it’s the perfect thing to say. And jmeyer, always and forever… you’re welcome.
* Your theories. Don’t expect an answer, but I totally love hearing what you think I’m going to do next.
* Song suggestions, things the update reminded you of, money donations, etc. I love hearing what songs you guys have- I’m kind of a music whore if you hadn’t noticed, and I love getting the suggestions for cool new indie bands that you send. And the fanart? Sheesh. Talk about super duper love. There are some uber-talented ladies up in this here Fandom.

So yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Sorry. Not too much snark this week. I’m too busy basking in the LoveFest. And Awards thingie-ing. GO VOTE. MAKE SUSAN B. ANTHONY PROUD. Clickies down there somewhere.

Eddies and Bellies

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wtvoc’s quickie review etiquette number 3:

We do not need you to tell us where to take the fic. And threatening us with “you’d better make them have sex soon!” will mostly likely prolong the long-awaited sex scene or whatever it is.

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withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a collaborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
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