Wednesday, February 4, 2009

2008-The Year My Mom Lost Her Shit

(A/N That is the tag line for my autobiography one day... or my next t-shirt, whichever. The following is my description of my life and my Twilight addiction. I apologize to anyone who struggles with real addictions and this is not to make light of those things at all. These thoughts are my own and not a reflection of the other admins on this blog. I hope you enjoy this and will all continue to speak to me once you are finished)

For some reason, this blog is my place for unfiltered thoughts. Okay, one of my places. It is like my own Twilighter's Anonymous Meeting where I feel compelled to stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Angel and I am addicted to all things Twilight, FanFiction, and Rob." And the crowd (you) replies, "Hi Angel" and claps and I feel safe and secure for a moment under the fluorescent lights in the basement of the local church.

The first apex of The Holy Trinity
A friend of mine describes our level of addiction as being the type where you go to live in the recovery house (Dr. Drew style) and spend 28 days crying, ranting, texting inappropriate messages to one another, getting into at least one fist fight over cereal, denying there is a problem, and then one day they let you out into the real world. But, you are always bonded to those in the house with you simply because of your addiction and the time you spent struggling together. You truly do know the best and the worst of one another. The other addicts are really the only people you can truly relate to and this becomes glaringly obvious as you are sitting at the Mexican joint, eating chips and cheese and suddenly you begin to giggle to your sober girl friends across the table, "Edward did the funniest thing today in the update of Nymph and the Waterfall..."

The table grows silent for a moment and they all pass knowing looks, and you realize you slipped and just admitted to the entire group that you are, in fact, not on the wagon. And the fact that you actually refer to 'Edward' like a real person. (shhh…Edward you are real, I'm just trying to make a point)

There could even be an uncomfortable moment when three of them hold you down, rip the iTouch from your pocket, and discover the fact you downloaded 4 updates before you came, and that is why you were in the bathroom for 20 minutes.


So the point of my rambling here is that I'm an addict for all things Twilight (and Rob) and well, I love it. I really do. And frankly, other than the reactions from others about my addiction, the husband and co-chicks of my life, this really isn't a surprise.

In fact, I had several people suggest and tempt me with the books months before I succumbed. I said no. In fact, one such woman was at my gym, holding her book and reading it while she worked out. When she showed me the shiny black cover with the epic apple gracing the front, Nancy Regan popped into my head and began waving her arms frantically at me shouting, "Just Say No!" and I did.


I even admitted, "I have a bit of a problem with Vampires."

And they looked at me quizzically and ask, "A problem?"

To which I responded, "Yes, I'm a tad addicted to them. I have a history."

And they raise an eyebrow and wait. Finally, I ramble over the spinning wheels of stationary bikes and the clank of weights, "You know, Buffy, Angel, Lestat, Dracula. You name it, I love it."

To which said pusher, laughs and tells me to just read it 'cause it's no big deal.

But they don't realize I'm speaking the truth. That at that very moment I had a photo of David Boreanaz as the wallpaper on my phone.

Edward, the second apex of The Holy Trinity
But one day, a client came in and handed me the book and, well, she was a client and I couldn't be rude, so I read it. It was like someone had given me a small hit of crack. But I pretended like I was cool, and I ordered the next book off of Amazon because you know, even though I liked it, I didn't NEED to read it right away. Thirty Six hours later I looked at my husband and growled, "WHERE IS MY BOOK?" And he said, "I just ordered it, it will be at least a week." And I huffed away trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal.

The day my book was delivered I shouted, "Finally" at the UPS guy who almost lost a finger in the exchange. I opened the box and sniffed that beautiful new paper smell and ran my hand down the cover. That night I read it and put it down after Edward left Bella in the woods. I was in denial. He didn't really leave. It was just a ploy to make me turn the page.

I turned off the light and in the darkness I could feel it taunting me. I tossed and turned for a while, and finally I got up and cracked it back open. I stared at the almost blank page…October. Well, you know where this goes. I couldn't put it down.

That was the night I stopped sleeping.

I'm a fast reader, but I also enjoy savoring my books. So I didn't finish it all in one night. It took me a day or two and I thought I would wait a while before getting the next one.

Within twenty four hours I was scratching my arms and seeing Jacob riding his motorcycle down the streets, and Alice zipping by in her Porsche. I finally succumbed and went to Target and bought Eclipse before I did something drastic.

When I opened Eclipse I wasn't sure what to expect. But I inhaled it. I mean, if I could have rolled it up and smoked it I would have. I read every word and tumbled into the make believe world of Forks and Bella and Edward and never looked back.

The problem came when I finished the third book. I needed more. And as far as I knew there wasn't any. My crack was gone and I was desperate. I didn't really know anyone who had read it so I was wandering alone in the wilderness and I was lost.

So I sat down at my computer and I googled Twilight. I stumbled upon TwiMoms and Twilighted and some other things but nothing totally filled my cravings.

In an effort to scratch my itch, I became my own version of Carlisle and made my own coven. I slowly surrounded myself with others who I forced to read the book. I didn't want to sit at the pool all summer with the Bikini Moms and listen to them talk about public vs. private schools, or whose boobs looked worse, or who was wearing the same bathing suit as the fourteen year old girl across from us. I wanted to ogle the lifeguard and think about what Edward looked like in a bathing suit.

So I did. I made my friends read the books and a couple got hooked and now I spend my time talking about what I want to talk about.


I have another thing, I want to touch on, because it is so unique to my existence in the world of Twilight, or as JDSK calls it, "The Holy Trinity".

The Holy Trinity is Twilight, Edward & Rob. They circle around one another and are one and the same. All conversations about one of these immediately evolves into one of the others and it is all just glorious.

But, the problem comes in when a sober person attempts to talk to me about my addiction.

Imagine I am somewhere, the playground, the bouncy place, a party with a shot glass in my hand and a piece of cake in the other, and some random chick comes up to me and says:

"Have you read Twilight?"


"Did you see the movie"


"Who is that guy who plays the lead character?"


"Rob who?"

This is when I have a problem. I know it is not their fault. They are ignorant. But, no. Sorry, no. I can not handle it when sober people ask me about my addiction.

So in return I normally stare at them blankly and either yell at the closest kid, knock back the shot, or shove the piece of cake down my throat to keep the crazy inside so I don't really get the reputation for being insane. Because right now they just think I'm kind of a bitch.

Rob (insert sigh here), the final apex of The Holy Trinity
Talking about The Holy Trinity outside of "group" is really tough. My husband has learned the hard way that when this topic is brought up in public he is to follow my lead. Yes, they just brought up my favorite subject, but I am very sensitive about it so odds are, I will ignore it and move on. He knows that he is not to mention my obsession out loud without my go ahead. This became pretty clear one night when he said, "Angel read Breaking Dawn and hated it…right, honey?" to an unsuspecting partygoer and my left eye began twitching, and I cracked a glass with my bare hand before launching into my ten point list of why BD was an EPIC FAILURE. (PM me for this list.)

Before I conclude there is no way for me to end this with out mentioning the reason we are all here. The fanfic.

Fanfic is not part of the Holy Trinity, it is like another religion all together. Like Buddha or Muhammad, the concepts are kind of the same but it is a whole different group of followers.

I will spare you the sordid details of my spiral into the world of FanFic since it mostly involves lack of sleep, headaches, hiding from my family and the development of complete and utter ADD. If you refer back to AngstGoddess's article titled Fan Fiction: Home Wrecker? I am still on phase 2 and have yet to move on after seven months.

So why am I writing this? Sharing my crazy with all of you? I'm not sure other than the fact it is all just so funny and my life has taken such an unexpected turn. Let me tell you a not so secret, secret. I don't really like people. Not really. They bug me. Their kids bug me. Normally women drive me completely insane. I prefer to hang out with men talking about food, movies and boobs. I do not want to hear one more conversation about…I don't even know, because when women start talking I tune them out and go to my happy place.

Except a year ago I didn't have a happy place. I was kind of floundering in work and kids and pretending like I could sit in the carpool line and talk about Pampered Chef Parties as though I was remotely interested.

Then, came Twilight and I found my happy place. So when these same women started talking about how they make fourteen casseroles on the first day of the month and freeze them like they learned on Martha Stewart, I let a small grin slide across my face, and I go to the little corner of my mind which right now is thinking about Rob playing Dali in Little Ashes.

The community at Twilighted made it more intense and I am eternally thankful. A year ago I never would have gone online and chatted with friends. I wouldn't have considered working on a blog for Fan Fiction, and in fact, had never even heard of it. (Thank God, because if I had discovered this during my Harry Potter phase, I would probably be childless and divorced). I NEVER would have even considered writing anything because I'd never have been inspired to write anything.

I never would have known JDSK who lives 20 miles from me and who we have come to share the ups and downs of life. Or AngstGoddess who keeps me laughing at 2 AM. Or been able to sit next to Debussy_This at the movie and squee when Rob came across the screen for the first time.

I would have missed out on so much if I'd closed myself off from my curiosity and subsequent addiction. Most of my 'real life' friends have come to accept this and several have even read my stories. Others haven't come to terms and I finally had the realization that if they don't accept "this", then they don't accept me. It is more their problem than my own. It is just part of who I am now. (says the addict-I KNOW)

I admit, I keep it down and do not tell everyone, but that is due to the fact that everyone does not need to know all of my business all of the time. Although, I am no longer hiding the fact I stay up past midnight to share photos of Rob with wtvoc, or discuss with - obsessive detail - the last chapter of IVO with a menagerie of people whose little green dots taunt me on the left side of my monitor.

Because I could be doing a lot of other things. Cheating on my spouse, using real drugs, shopping, gambling, eating entire bags of Oreos. But I'm not. I'm reading, and writing, and hanging out with friends. And yes, sometimes I forget to put up the laundry or pick up a child OR pay attention when my 4 year old cuts hunks of hair out of her head (this happened yesterday). But I never said I was perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and frankly pretty happy and that, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty good.

Angel is an administrator for this blog and posts her two fics "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" and "Creature of Habit" on FF and Twilighted. Her freakish obsessions of Rob and David are the only things that trump her frightening obsession with Twilight. She enjoys dancing on Youtube and entertaining AG & smellyia with her various theories and ideas which are always taken seriously and generally put into action. Angel posts as edwardzukorocks on FF.

The opinions expressed here are our own, and are not made on behalf of Twilighted.

edwardzukorocks on FF
Angel on Twilighted


  1. Yes. And yes.

    Its an addiction. You get twitchy and irritable if your husband drags you to the middle of nowhere with no internet connection or you have to make an appearence in normal society when you know WA or IVO is going to update TONIGHT.

    You need your hit. Helps you deal with the crazy shit in your day.

    Couldn't have said it better myself, A.

  2. So perfect. Had me laughing the whole way through, but you already knew this since I humped it already in g-chat.

    So... idk if my addiction is less or worse after reading this? I mean, I am addicted to all things Holy Trinity, sure. But... I am subtle and very in the closet unless I'm on chat.

    Honestly, the web is my only outlet for my obsession. I use it to quench my undying thirst for all things Holy Trinity and fic.

    Mostly because the only people I talk to are my mom and my man. They don't give a shit. Really, they don't. I've tried this.

    I go to mom's house the day I discover and read Twilight, and run into her door panting and wild eyed. "Hey, Mom! Guess what, there's this cool new book series called Twi-"

    Mom cuts me off with a fleeting look. "Is it by Stephen King?" She asks curiously, since, sadly, he is like the ONLY freakin author she will EVER read. Shit mom, get with the program. Other books DO exist.

    With an agitated huff I inform her that, no, it is not by Stephen King, and yes, I do realize that my appearance is unusually unkempt. I mean... I did just read a WHOLE book in only 7 hours. (I'm down to 6 now)


    Then my man, well...

    He eyes me warily from the doorway as I spread out across the sofa for my twentieth read of Twilight since I bought it 5 days ago. "Hey, babe?" He asks awkwardly.

    "Hmm?" I hum distractedly, and more than a little irritated. I mean fuck, dude. I'm on chapter 13. This is a sensitively sacred moment you're interrupting here. Something better fucking be on fire.

    He sighs and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Just thought I'd make note of your twitching eyes and suggest some sleep?" He asks all cautiously while shifting from foot to foot nervously.

    I tear my eyes away from the crucial moment where Edward not so subtly confesses his love for Bella, and my teeth grind. "Excuse me?" I growl as my eyes narrow, and he suddenly realizes he has released The Beast.

    He begins waving his hands frantically. "No! I just mean..."

    I slam the book down and glower directly into his wide and fearful eyes. "You mean sleep is more important than this?" I gesture to the book and quirk an eyebrow daringly.

    His brows furrow, and he is raging with the two conflicting instincts to placate The Beast, and voice the truth.

    With a defeated shake of his head, I relax back into my plush upholstery and flick my hair over my shoulder indignantly while muttering under my breath. "Stupid human men."

    Okay. Wow. This quoted dialog tangent has gone on for WAY too long. I should probably end this before I divulge too much, and everyone realizes how batshit I am.

    Only a little.

    A still loves me. *sniffs*

  3. Angel. Ooooh, this made me laugh - HARD - and so well written - just like Creature of Habit!

    So the joke about disliking people? So true? Like I make jokes about hating "people" all the time, and if you laugh at m'jokes, you're my friend, but if you don't, you go in the wallow in the shallow pile. But that's random.

    And writers are a special brand of people. It's like a book store for me. I'm twenty times more likely to wanna be your friend if I meet you at the bookstore instead of the tupperware party. The bookstore goes on the "happy place" list, just like FF.

    You get an e-hug cuz you mentioned Nymph, and I'm getting all emo about it cuz it's only got 3 chaps left - maybe 4? - and I'm getting all emo about it. Feck. I already said that.

    Gonna go drink a whopper mug of coffee now, and then play. Feeding multiple addictions. 1. caffeine -check- 2. fanfic -double check-

  4. You say 'addicted'... I think of it more as 'normal'. Because honestly, who ARE these people who can read the series and not come away from it obsessed with Edward, sighing over Rob, and finding the whole 'Nessie' thing COMPLETELY creepy???

    My mom is one of these people.

    She actually told me, to my face, that BD was 'okay.'



    BD was anything but OKAY.

    But I digress.

    As you can see, we all have our level of crazy to deal with. And it's nice to have people close to you that are going through the same thing. I mean, sure, sometimes when a group of addicts get together, things can quickly spiral out of hand (*cough* Youtube videos *cough*), but most of the time those are the people who get it. They understand.

    So they'll gladly sit through hours of talking about the same things over and over until everyone feels like they've taken a step in the right direction. Maybe that direction is making plans to fly to Vancouver to watch them shoot 'New Moon'... who knows. But the important thing is you're working through your addiction.

    And by 'working through', I mean spending every spare moment you have (and even some you don't) reading new stories, looking for new pictures of Rob online, chatting insistently about the casting decisions for New Moon, and figuring out a way to seduce the internet guy so he'll come over faster and fix your connection when it goes down VERY unexpectedly while you were right in the middle of reading IVO. (Not cool, internet. Not. Cool.)

    I think I've rambled long enough.

    Thanks for sharing your story, Angel! It's good to talk about these things. Hah.

  5. hahhaha! I'm lauging Christine because i have a real life "book club" of my twilight friends and we can literally talk about the same things over and over. AND OVER. i could sit back and discuss any of the books for hours. I have no idea why. It has all been said, discussed, hashed, RE-hashed time and time...but I can't get it out of my system

  6. I am kinda jealous, I only have one person to squee with, and they are far away. I tell my husband all the time that I am not the only housewife who sits with her computer all the hours of the day checking her email for alerts, scanning the boards and such. I know I am addicted, I don't care.

  7. This was freaking hilarious! Love the comments. I am so glad I am not alone out there. Now I'm off to read angstgoddess003's post, which I somehow missed! Thanks for the blog people!

  8. Ok, I read this and at first became a little sad. Sad because how lame is it that all of you are out in internet oblivion and I am stuck in suburban hell with all the Marthas makin their cupcakes and being all PTA and really, really into their kids and their soccer and their gymanstics and piano and everything that is all about family and then there is me - stuck in Twilight fanfiction hell, because I admit, it sucks not being able share a coffee with you all and talk Twilight over mushroom ravioli.
    But I also have to admit, Twilight is not enough for me. Meyer never wrote a hot scene like wtvoc or feathers or JenWordSong (gotta love her). Nope Meyer never went there so I am not sure if I am a fan of her anymore so much as I am a fan of Edward and now all of you. Because please, all of you write him so much better than Steph ever could (no offense to the origianl genius (og)).
    Ok, sorry veered off there for a sec. I want to be a good mom. I really do. I want to let go of this addiction. I want to be just as happy with my own life as I am when halo finally updates She's Royal. But more than that I really need friends who like Twilight just as much as I do. That actually talk about it. In public, no less. Without being embarrassed and hiding in the corner of the party wishing there was someone else here that could project all of our edward dreams on the pure bliss that is Robert Pattinsons face. Ugh!!! I wish we could all stop hiding. I swear I saw you all in line at the movie and I just wanted to go up and say yes, I am addicted too. Let's go have coffe and talk about how we can all share Jasper and Bella can keep Edward!

  9. This was fantastic and hilarious! And true. I'm so glad that even though none of my friends are as into Twilight/Edward/Rob as I am, I at least have this whole online community to share it with. Thank you for brightening up my lunch hour. :)

  10. Reading this, I felt like a 14 year old girl that should be texting someone to tell them that you 'totally get me, lol'. I'm addicted...I have my husband trained to not even bring it up to me let alone at a party. I try to downplay it to my 'normal' friends so they don't think I'm totally crazed and I even read a 'real' book once a month to attempt to be normal. I had my cell phone upgraded to surf the internet so I could read off my phone while my kids are at dance, spanish or whatever sport we're currently in. Oh and my 4 year old colored the wall one time while I was reading (I'm hidding the scissors after reading this).

    p.s. can you link your top 10 reasons BD was EPIC failure, I kind of felt like that also.

  11. This was awesome.

    I hid my Twilight addiction for a long time because...I don't even know why now. I don't even remember the reasons. Perhaps some of it had to do with being a 26 year old that was totally obsessing over teenage, fictional characters.

    But about six months ago, I totally embraced it, and instead of stealthily reading fanfic when I know no one is watching, I've got my girlfriends reading it, my boyfriend and I have lengthy, deep discussions about Wide Awake (that was a HUGE step--admitting my addiction to him. And he surprised me by reading the books, mostly to see what I was excited about, and now he loves hearing about all the good fanfic I'm reading), and I even tried my hand at writing some. SUCH a good experience.

    It feels so much better to embrace the Twilight community and our addiction, than hide it and feel like it's silly. Cause it's not. It's a fun, creative community, and that is a wonderful thing.

  12. *taps microphone*

    Hi everyone!

    You guys are making me feel less crazy by the minute! thanks for all the comments and PMs. It is always nice to know you're not alone.

  13. Angel,
    Thanks for directing me here. You were right, I loved reading your and AG essays. After reading I Jump up and down shouting...I'm not alone, I'm not alone. Told you hubby, I'm not the only crazy one! He has excepted but thinks I've lost my mind.
    I am still in phase 2 and I really don't want to leave yet because I am enjoying my addiction too much still. But I have come to the realization that it wont be long before I have to take the long loney walk to the front of the fantom stage and say with my head hung low...*sighing* name is kristen and I am a fic-aholic.
    I still keep this guilty pleasure a secrete from most friends and family. They think I am nuts as it is with my Twilight obsession! I get sick of the roll of eyes and shake of heads. Grrrrr.

    Thanks again for directing me here yesterday in your reply. Atleast I know I am not alone in fanfic owning. To be honest, I don't think I would want it any other way.

  14. Angel,
    Thanks for directing me here. You were right, I loved reading your and AG essays. After reading, I Jumped up and down shouting...I'm not alone, I'm not alone. I need to have hubby read this so he knows I'm not the only crazy one! He has slowly excepted this addiction of mine and only rarely tells me anymore to snap out of it.
    I am still in phase 2 and I really don't want to leave yet because I am enjoying my addiction too much still. But I have come to the realization that it wont be long before I have to take the long lonely walk to the front of the fantom stage and say with my head hung low...*sighing* name is kristen and I am a fic-aholic.
    I still keep this guilty pleasure a secrete from most friends and family. They think I am nuts as it is with my Twilight obsession! I get sick of the roll of eyes and shake of heads. Grrrrr.

    Thanks again for directing me here yesterday in your reply. At least I know I am not alone with fanfic owning me. To be honest, I don't think I would want it any other way.

  15. Hi, my name is Mandy... and I'm a ficaholic. Wow, that felt great. I've been reading fanfic for about 8-9 years now spanning 4 fandoms. It started in high school and followed me throughout college. I'm still shocked that I managed to get my Bachelor's degree with as much fanfic as I read (Bless the college dorm ethernet). I've tried to lead others into the addiction of fanfic, few followed. Now, I spend most of my time reading fanfic unbeknownst to my family and friends. While reading this post and it's comments, I refreshed my email 4 times to check for updates...

    I keep from talking to anyone about the fandoms I read. I refuse to watch Harry Potter (the 3rd fandom that sucked me in) more than a few times because HP fanfic took over cannon to the point that the movies don't interest me as much anymore.

    I do not talk about Twilight to anyone eventhough my mother and sister have read the books (mom read them 6 times each) because I know references to fanfics will slip out and I'm just not ready to tell my mother about my addiction.

    At least you've taken it a step further and meade it into a social situation. Me, I'm a big-time lurker, it took me 10 minutes to talk myself into leaving a message and 2 false starts.

    But it is a relief to know that I'm not the only one that's crazily addicted to fanfiction.

  16. After reading this, I think I love you. I love finding other people that share my obsessions. Um, besides that girl in my son's 4th grade class who wouldn't stop talking about the movie after she saw me wearing my Twilight hoodie. She hasn't even read the book yet, but...I digress. It makes me feel slightly less crazy to know I'm not alone.

    Also, my husband hasn't caught on about not wanting my obsession aired in public in certain scenarios. How do you train a husband to shut up and follow your lead? Haha.

  17. Angel, you've heard this in gchat, but YES. I identify. Hi, my name is starshinedown, and I'm an addict.

    The article is fantastic. I laughed so much and buried my face in my hands because it's ME.

    love ya, bb.

  18. Thank God I am not alone with my addiction. When I first heard of Twilight, my sister-in-law was casually talking about it being a "pretty good book" so I didn't exactly jump up to buy it...She eventually let me borrow her copy, and once I did...boy I felt like I was cheating on my husband (and I still get that guilty feeling about 34353453 million times a day haha)..So I read her copy, then decided that I needed to buy my own I went on Amazon and ordered all 4 books (Yes, I didn't start reading them until after BD was out already)...In the week that I had to wait for my books to come, I read Twilight 6 times in that week. I pretty much gave up eating and sleeping and just reread them over and over and over again.
    My husband thought I lost my mind..I felt guilty for ignoring and avoiding him and my entire family so I could read these books, but those feelings of guilt were not strong enough to stop me.
    Once I discovered fanfic? Oh life as I knew it was over. I used to be more outgoing and do stuff with my friends, but I've even given up much of that because honestly, I no longer care about what so-and-so did last weekend and who from high school is pregnant. I only care about what updates I get and if RPatz has been sighted anywhere..obsessive? Very much so.
    I don't tell anyone about my obsession with fanfic and it's pretty much because I know that they will not understand it. I only have 1 friend who loves Twilight, but she only loves them..she doesn't read fanfic and she isn't obsessed with looking for pictures of Rob. I am literally at my computer almost all day long, when I have a break between my college classes I break out the laptop and check to see if I have any update...When I am on the computer reading my stories I even minimize them when my husband comes over because I know he would be upset if he knew I was ignoring him for fictional stories, but I can't help it! haha
    I feel like my life revolves around this stuff, I even ignore homework and studying now, which isn't working out so good for my grades..but it's really hard to concentrate on anything when I'm wondering if any of my favorite stories have been updated!
    It's really really nice knowing that other people share this obsession like I definitely makes me feel not so alone! If anyone wants to chat, email me or something! Cause I seriously have nobody to talk to about this stuff :(


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