2008-The Year My Mom Lost Her Shit

(A/N That is the tag line for my autobiography one day... or my next t-shirt, whichever. The following is my description of my life and my Twilight addiction. I apologize to anyone who struggles with real addictions and this is not to make light of those things at all. These thoughts are my own and not a reflection of the other admins on this blog. I hope you enjoy this and will all continue to speak to me once you are finished)

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For some reason, this blog is my place for unfiltered thoughts. Okay, one of my places. It is like my own Twilighter's Anonymous Meeting where I feel compelled to stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Angel and I am addicted to all things Twilight, FanFiction, and Rob." And the crowd (you) replies, "Hi Angel" and claps and I feel safe and secure for a moment under the fluorescent lights in the basement of the local church.

The first apex of The Holy Trinity

A friend of mine describes our level of addiction as being the type where you go to live in the recovery house (Dr. Drew style) and spend 28 days crying, ranting, texting inappropriate messages to one another, getting into at least one fist fight over cereal, denying there is a problem, and then one day they let you out into the real world. But, you are always bonded to those in the house with you simply because of your addiction and the time you spent struggling together. You truly do know the best and the worst of one another. The other addicts are really the only people you can truly relate to and this becomes glaringly obvious as you are sitting at the Mexican joint, eating chips and cheese and suddenly you begin to giggle to your sober girl friends across the table, "Edward did the funniest thing today in the update of Nymph and the Waterfall..."

The table grows silent for a moment and they all pass knowing looks, and you realize you slipped and just admitted to the entire group that you are, in fact, not on the wagon. And the fact that you actually refer to 'Edward' like a real person. (shhh…Edward you are real, I'm just trying to make a point)

There could even be an uncomfortable moment when three of them hold you down, rip the iTouch from your pocket, and discover the fact you downloaded 4 updates before you came, and that is why you were in the bathroom for 20 minutes.

Sigh.

So the point of my rambling here is that I'm an addict for all things Twilight (and Rob) and well, I love it. I really do. And frankly, other than the reactions from others about my addiction, the husband and co-chicks of my life, this really isn't a surprise.

In fact, I had several people suggest and tempt me with the books months before I succumbed. I said no. In fact, one such woman was at my gym, holding her book and reading it while she worked out. When she showed me the shiny black cover with the epic apple gracing the front, Nancy Regan popped into my head and began waving her arms frantically at me shouting, "Just Say No!" and I did.

Twice.

I even admitted, "I have a bit of a problem with Vampires."

And they looked at me quizzically and ask, "A problem?"

To which I responded, "Yes, I'm a tad addicted to them. I have a history."

And they raise an eyebrow and wait. Finally, I ramble over the spinning wheels of stationary bikes and the clank of weights, "You know, Buffy, Angel, Lestat, Dracula. You name it, I love it."

To which said pusher, laughs and tells me to just read it 'cause it's no big deal.

But they don't realize I'm speaking the truth. That at that very moment I had a photo of David Boreanaz as the wallpaper on my phone.

Edward, the second apex of The Holy Trinity

But one day, a client came in and handed me the book and, well, she was a client and I couldn't be rude, so I read it. It was like someone had given me a small hit of crack. But I pretended like I was cool, and I ordered the next book off of Amazon because you know, even though I liked it, I didn't NEED to read it right away. Thirty Six hours later I looked at my husband and growled, "WHERE IS MY BOOK?" And he said, "I just ordered it, it will be at least a week." And I huffed away trying to pretend it wasn't a big deal.

The day my book was delivered I shouted, "Finally" at the UPS guy who almost lost a finger in the exchange. I opened the box and sniffed that beautiful new paper smell and ran my hand down the cover. That night I read it and put it down after Edward left Bella in the woods. I was in denial. He didn't really leave. It was just a ploy to make me turn the page.

I turned off the light and in the darkness I could feel it taunting me. I tossed and turned for a while, and finally I got up and cracked it back open. I stared at the almost blank page…October. Well, you know where this goes. I couldn't put it down.

That was the night I stopped sleeping.

I'm a fast reader, but I also enjoy savoring my books. So I didn't finish it all in one night. It took me a day or two and I thought I would wait a while before getting the next one.

Within twenty four hours I was scratching my arms and seeing Jacob riding his motorcycle down the streets, and Alice zipping by in her Porsche. I finally succumbed and went to Target and bought Eclipse before I did something drastic.

When I opened Eclipse I wasn't sure what to expect. But I inhaled it. I mean, if I could have rolled it up and smoked it I would have. I read every word and tumbled into the make believe world of Forks and Bella and Edward and never looked back.

The problem came when I finished the third book. I needed more. And as far as I knew there wasn't any. My crack was gone and I was desperate. I didn't really know anyone who had read it so I was wandering alone in the wilderness and I was lost.

So I sat down at my computer and I googled Twilight. I stumbled upon TwiMoms and Twilighted and some other things but nothing totally filled my cravings.

In an effort to scratch my itch, I became my own version of Carlisle and made my own coven. I slowly surrounded myself with others who I forced to read the book. I didn't want to sit at the pool all summer with the Bikini Moms and listen to them talk about public vs. private schools, or whose boobs looked worse, or who was wearing the same bathing suit as the fourteen year old girl across from us. I wanted to ogle the lifeguard and think about what Edward looked like in a bathing suit.

So I did. I made my friends read the books and a couple got hooked and now I spend my time talking about what I want to talk about.

Addict.

I have another thing, I want to touch on, because it is so unique to my existence in the world of Twilight, or as JDSK calls it, "The Holy Trinity".

The Holy Trinity is Twilight, Edward & Rob. They circle around one another and are one and the same. All conversations about one of these immediately evolves into one of the others and it is all just glorious.

But, the problem comes in when a sober person attempts to talk to me about my addiction.

Imagine I am somewhere, the playground, the bouncy place, a party with a shot glass in my hand and a piece of cake in the other, and some random chick comes up to me and says:

"Have you read Twilight?"

Or.

"Did you see the movie"

Or.

"Who is that guy who plays the lead character?"

Or.

"Rob who?"

This is when I have a problem. I know it is not their fault. They are ignorant. But, no. Sorry, no. I can not handle it when sober people ask me about my addiction.

So in return I normally stare at them blankly and either yell at the closest kid, knock back the shot, or shove the piece of cake down my throat to keep the crazy inside so I don't really get the reputation for being insane. Because right now they just think I'm kind of a bitch.

Rob (insert sigh here), the final apex of The Holy Trinity

Talking about The Holy Trinity outside of "group" is really tough. My husband has learned the hard way that when this topic is brought up in public he is to follow my lead. Yes, they just brought up my favorite subject, but I am very sensitive about it so odds are, I will ignore it and move on. He knows that he is not to mention my obsession out loud without my go ahead. This became pretty clear one night when he said, "Angel read Breaking Dawn and hated it…right, honey?" to an unsuspecting partygoer and my left eye began twitching, and I cracked a glass with my bare hand before launching into my ten point list of why BD was an EPIC FAILURE. (PM me for this list.)

Before I conclude there is no way for me to end this with out mentioning the reason we are all here. The fanfic.

Fanfic is not part of the Holy Trinity, it is like another religion all together. Like Buddha or Muhammad, the concepts are kind of the same but it is a whole different group of followers.

I will spare you the sordid details of my spiral into the world of FanFic since it mostly involves lack of sleep, headaches, hiding from my family and the development of complete and utter ADD. If you refer back to AngstGoddess's article titled Fan Fiction: Home Wrecker? I am still on phase 2 and have yet to move on after seven months.

So why am I writing this? Sharing my crazy with all of you? I'm not sure other than the fact it is all just so funny and my life has taken such an unexpected turn. Let me tell you a not so secret, secret. I don't really like people. Not really. They bug me. Their kids bug me. Normally women drive me completely insane. I prefer to hang out with men talking about food, movies and boobs. I do not want to hear one more conversation about…I don't even know, because when women start talking I tune them out and go to my happy place.

Except a year ago I didn't have a happy place. I was kind of floundering in work and kids and pretending like I could sit in the carpool line and talk about Pampered Chef Parties as though I was remotely interested.

Then, came Twilight and I found my happy place. So when these same women started talking about how they make fourteen casseroles on the first day of the month and freeze them like they learned on Martha Stewart, I let a small grin slide across my face, and I go to the little corner of my mind which right now is thinking about Rob playing Dali in Little Ashes.

The community at Twilighted made it more intense and I am eternally thankful. A year ago I never would have gone online and chatted with friends. I wouldn't have considered working on a blog for Fan Fiction, and in fact, had never even heard of it. (Thank God, because if I had discovered this during my Harry Potter phase, I would probably be childless and divorced). I NEVER would have even considered writing anything because I'd never have been inspired to write anything.

I never would have known JDSK who lives 20 miles from me and who we have come to share the ups and downs of life. Or AngstGoddess who keeps me laughing at 2 AM. Or been able to sit next to Debussy_This at the movie and squee when Rob came across the screen for the first time.

I would have missed out on so much if I'd closed myself off from my curiosity and subsequent addiction. Most of my 'real life' friends have come to accept this and several have even read my stories. Others haven't come to terms and I finally had the realization that if they don't accept "this", then they don't accept me. It is more their problem than my own. It is just part of who I am now. (says the addict-I KNOW)

I admit, I keep it down and do not tell everyone, but that is due to the fact that everyone does not need to know all of my business all of the time. Although, I am no longer hiding the fact I stay up past midnight to share photos of Rob with wtvoc, or discuss with - obsessive detail - the last chapter of IVO with a menagerie of people whose little green dots taunt me on the left side of my monitor.

Because I could be doing a lot of other things. Cheating on my spouse, using real drugs, shopping, gambling, eating entire bags of Oreos. But I'm not. I'm reading, and writing, and hanging out with friends. And yes, sometimes I forget to put up the laundry or pick up a child OR pay attention when my 4 year old cuts hunks of hair out of her head (this happened yesterday). But I never said I was perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and frankly pretty happy and that, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty good.

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Angel is an administrator for this blog and posts her two fics "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" and "Creature of Habit" on FF and Twilighted. Her freakish obsessions of Rob and David are the only things that trump her frightening obsession with Twilight. She enjoys dancing on Youtube and entertaining AG & smellyia with her various theories and ideas which are always taken seriously and generally put into action. Angel posts as edwardzukorocks on FF.

The opinions expressed here are our own, and are not made on behalf of Twilighted.

edwardzukorocks on FF
Angel on Twilighted