Column: Dirty Uncle WTVOC's Fandom Guide to Reviews Column

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I feel the impending deadline looming. Too many things. Too many eggs in one basket.

So I wrote my ginormous term research paper first because apparently, I’m a responsible adult. Then I wrote an update to MHBL. Then this blog.

I hope the MHBL update doesn’t suck donkey schlong. But if it does? There’s a few of you who will let me know.

Yes, that was my lame segue way into today’s rule:
1. Don’t ask for an update.
2. Your words can hurt. Have a care before clicking “submit”.
3. We love it when you love it.
4. Constructive criticism can be appreciated as long as it’s not rude.

Yeah, that kind of sounds like an extension of rule number two, but it’s really a whole ‘nother topic altogether. Here’s the thing: with very few exceptions, fanfiction writers are not professionals. Or should I say- we don’t get paid to entertain you. Most of us are not even trained via degree of the Arts variety, and many of us are still in college or bored Mommies or what-have-you. A LOT OF US DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE DOING.

So… the more thick-skinned amongst us can take criticism, and a lot of us actually look forward to it. Tell me what I’m doing wrong! I’m floundering here!

(Yeah, that’s not me. But I asked a bunch of other writers to give me a soundbite on this, and I got some good and varied and some err… spirited responses.)

But you tell me about a fic writer who gets the “in the sixth paragraph of this chapter, you spelled it ‘you’re’ instead of ‘your’” and tells the reviewer to perform fellatio on their own mother via review response, and I’ll tell you about the writer of an uber-popular fic who got a review questioning whether Edward would really, truly think like that- and the fic writer starts to question their motivations for fic writing, for ever having purchased their new MacBook Pro, and whether they should shuffle this mortal coil in a nosedive of emo-ness that makes them cry into their corn flakes for days.

The thing is this- there’s constructive and there’s plain ole complainin’.

For example: there are two ways to say “Huh?”

What? I don’t get it. Why are they in a lake?

That’s not exactly rude (trust. These can get rude), but it ain’t really constructive, either.

So, they’re in a lake. I get that. But is there a deeper meaning? I think I may have missed something. Could you explain that, please?

or possibly

I think the lake is being used as a metaphor here, but if so, either it’s a little confusing, or I’m completely lost. Maybe both. Could you possibly clarify that for me?

Sure, the distinction is subtle. But that first one is flat and to me, it reads rude. Kind of like the difference between saying “Is there salt?” and “Would you please pass me the salt, if it’s not too much trouble?”
So, how to be constructive without being rude?

I went the cheap way to answer. Here’s what other authors have to say:

Constructive criticism doesn't imply you have to be mean. Say things in a nice way and point out that you're just trying to help. –cdunbar

[A] reader pointed out possible concerns that I may have otherwise overlooked while writing Chapter 45. Now I realize that addressing them, even in a minor way, would make my plot more feasible to the audience. Usually, when my readers offer truly constructive crit, they are doing so for multiple reasons: Firstly, because they want to see me progress as a writer, and because they are invested in the story and want to see it executed to its full potential, and lastly, because they truly appreciate the work. A real constructively critical review is fic gold. Key word: Constructive. –angstgoddess003

When given correctly, criticism can help a writer grow. It is what authors want, not to be told just that something doesn't work but WHY it doesn't work so the writer can think about how to defend their points better in the future. –emibella

Constructive criticism can be incredibly helpful to a story and an author. I mean, we all have room for improvement. Constructive criticism can help you realize a plot hole you weren't aware of (we do all sometimes make mistakes) , if something seems out of character, or maybe just that they don't like where you're taking the story. I don't always agree with what is said, but as long as it's worded with respect, I always welcome and appreciate it. It's much better than just lying and saying you enjoyed something when you didn't. And I love when I can respond and figure out why they felt that way. –americnxidiot (ASK PAT IF YOU CAN BUY A VOWEL NEXT TIME, WOMAN)

I like con crit if it is specific. Like, if it is a style criticism, say : you use too many adjectives.
If it is a plot crit: I can't believe you made this happen; that's totally counterproductive.
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT IF YOU'RE GONNA CRITICIZE ME. –thallium81/jfly/babysitter extraordinaire

There is a difference between being criticized and having your work constructively criticized.
I think someone mentioned once before the “sandwich” technique for giving feedback, and when I'm reviewing and have something I didn't like or found “off”, that is the method I use. Start and end with the positives and the meat, cheese and condiments are the points that you had issue with. At least that way, though you are indicating topics that need work, you're still padding the blow by giving them something to build upon. –ninapolitan (who won an award from me for relating condiments to reviews)

It should be relevant to the chapter you are reviewing, and it should make sense. If you are going to criticize something, make sure you actually know what you are pointing out. Half the ones I get are actually addressed in the chapter and I’m not sure if pointing out grammar or typos count as a review, but that may just be me. I mean, if you said, “This chapter was okay but I was horribly distracted by the typos,” etc., then that would be better than “This chapter was great. You need a beta.” –edwardzukorocks/angel/loverofdavidboreanaz

Never comment on style or technique, as it's not your place to criticize such a personal thing in a review. In fact, keep constructive criticism limited to PM's. –jenwordsong

Being critical is fine, as long as you are NICE. Writers know that they sometimes lose readers, but what they almost never know is WHY. If you can articulate the weaknesses of a chapter and how that sits within your own preferences, then you are helping that author. Be honest with yourself though. If you don't like a story because of a bias, e.g. you almost always hate Jacob/Bella, put that in there, too - that way the author will get the full picture. –pastiche pen the porn peddler

You take it in stride because you have to, because you know deep down it'll make you better. You hope that whoever wrote it wants you to improve because they understand what you're doing and they want it to be as good as it can be, but you fear they're just complaining to be a dick, that they want to get under your skin because they have nothing better to do. You really have to be open to the criticism for it to do any good; you can't run around thinking you're infallible and that no one has anything to offer because you'd be wrong.
If I give advice, it means that I believe in what you're doing and that I want your piece to be as good as you want it to be. It doesn't mean that I think you're shit, or that I'm the all-knowing, all-powerful sensei. It doesn't mean you have to take it, and it certainly doesn't mean that I need to get a three page reply note listing all the reasons why my opinion is wrong. All it means is that I know you can be better and I'll back you every step of the way. We're all learning, all growing, and none of us is going to get stronger if we're just constantly patted on the back and told that everything is wonderful and nothing is wrong. That's what I like about fanfiction. It's a community coming together to support each other and foster talent.'” -upthedownslide

If you truly respect the writer, you will want them to be better. Feeding to their ego will not help them. It breeds complacency, and they won’t feel the need to grow.
Don’t be personal in constructive crit, because we have enough psycho bullies out there.
Don’t curse, mind your manners.
And don’t try to tell how to write our story- “I wish the characters would just fuck already”-
But if one of the characters is getting obnoxious with their snark, tell us.
If we use a metaphor that you don’t understand, tell us.
But don’t say "I don’t understand" and not point out what specifically is confusing you. –gallantcorkscrews (I love that I had to beta that, gcs. Heh heh)

It should be specific in nature, and preferably given by someone who knows what the fuck they are talking about. -siDEADde

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So there you have it. All excellent points, really. I’d like to point out that I bombarded those lovely broads in their chat boxes, so I edited the typos and added capitalization, etc. These responses were all pretty much off the top of their heads, too.

Now, I could go on about it, but I think they’ve all covered the topic nicely. THANKS FOR DOING MY JOB FOR ME, LADIES. BACK TO MY HIDEY-HOLE OF PRE-CLINICAL PAPERWORK.

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wtvoc’s quickie etiquette rule number four:

Requests in reviews. Stop it. This ain’t so much a quickie topic, but whatever. I know I’m not the only author who gets these.

o I get asked to beta. Like, a lot. While I would love to clean up most of the stuff out there, I simply don’t have the time. I love that you asked, but I’ll just say here and now that the answer is “no”. Forever and to everyone unless you can prove you’re Rob, just… no.
o I wish I could read your story. I do. But I don’t even have time to read what I have on alert, much less add something new to the rotation. I applaud you for jumping into fanfiction, though. Kudos!
o I am not taking story ideas at this time. In fact… I never have. Thank you, though.
o Yes, that sounds great. But no, that’s not what I’m going to have Edward/Bella/Jasper/Carlisle/Karl the Janitor doing for the next chapter. Speculation is fine; saying “you should do this” is not. Unless you know me, and you know that I will take it as the joke that it is.
o No, I have no idea which anime story that is and I most certainly will not write you a birthday fanfic Twilight crossover oneshot. (I really got that request once. I laughed for days.)

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withthevampsofcourse's Must Have Been Love and Welcome Home are treasures of the sexy snark lovers. Her collaborations include Saturday School and Scotch, Gin and The New Girl and also betas 5464686486 fics. She is a colloborator on the Twilight FF Awards - The Eddies & The Bellies. This sister soldier of Brown may talk dirty and throw down even dirtier, but her class knows no bounds.
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