Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Genre Series: Chickens and Mixed Drinks


Taco Time. God help us all.

Alice: Do you know why they asked us to write an article about humor?

Nina: No, I don’t.

Alice: We have no sense of humor to speak of.

Nina: No, we are quite boring, although I do enjoy a good card game or two. Canasta, Bridge, you know. The classics.

Alice: As do I.
* Alice slips on a banana peel*

Nina: I guess we should talk about some general hilarities and merriment? Tis' the season and all that jazz.

Alice: I suppose, maybe something about the keystone cops?
*Alice hits Nina in the face with a pie*

Nina: Yes, I have heard people chuckling at those picture shows…maybe something about about physical humor and pratfalls?
*Nina lights a cigar, which blows up in her face*

Alice: Yes, I have heard people tell of unusual comedy skits and physical brands of humor.
*Alice sits on a freshly painted chair*

Nina: Once I even heard an amusing story about vaudeville acts that would base entire shows on such things.
*Nina's pants fall down*

Alice: *Alice steps on a rake and gets hit in the face*

So, we are actually going to attempt to discuss semi-seriously, and with as few dick jokes as possible the topic of Humor, and its place within the fandom. Sit back, relax, get some popcorn (or alcohol), and just fucking go with it. Speak for yourself Alice, I love a good dick...joke.


Banter-The Old Back And Forth:

I am a sucker for good banter. Great witty dialogue is so hard to find, and when you read it, you know you are reading gold. Take a look at one of my favorite scenes of banter perfection.

Jesus, that shit kills me. I am assuming you all clicked that scene and enjoyed it, and if you didn’t well then poop on you. There is a scene from D.I.D. that reminds me so much of this scene in particular, that rapid fire pacing, that back and forth that you know if it were happening live in front of you it would seem like you were watching a tennis match. Observe:

Jasper and Alice the Elf seemed to be having a private moment. They were staring at each other with such intensity I felt the need to look away. It kind of made me feel dirty, like walking in on someone having sex. What the hell is that all about?

Emmett thrust the paper in my face once more.

“Sign it,” he growled.

“Emmett, I can’t sign that. I’m a vet. I treat animals, not people.”

“According to her statement I am an animal, so sign the god damn paper.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.”



“Emmett, do you not see that I’m incapacitated at the moment?” I gestured with my free hand to the desk.

“Is your…wait…is your finger stuck? How the fuck did that happen?” he said while his shoulders were shaking with laughter.

“I heard that, Emmett!” Esme yelled from the hall.

“Fucking Christ,” Emmett muttered under his breath.

“He was hiding under his desk,” Rose interjected.

Emmett looked to her, then to me. His face was lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. “What the fuck were you hiding under your desk for, Edward?”

“Emmett! Quit saying ‘fuck’!”

“Sorry, Mom!” he yelled over his shoulder, his eyes never leaving my face. His grin grew wider. “Edward, what were you doing hiding under your desk?”

“I think he was hiding from me,” Rose said.

The scenes in this fic are hilarious, and I when I first read this scene I actually felt like I was there, watching this, eating popcorn and laughing my ass off.

I am also a big fan of when our Edwards and our Bellas meet, and while I do enjoy the love-at-first-sight scenario where they immediately know they will spend eternity together and never have to worry about birth control or hips cracking during sex, I really enjoy the ‘meet-cute- scenes that could actually happen. Especially when Bella can hold her own. And by hold her own I mean, well…just read this scene from The Cocky And The Cougar:

“Ah…we have a cougar in our midst, eh? Should I be concerned?” Edward chuckled, looking down at his beer, his long fingers again playing in the condensation on the glass.

Alice gasped and Rosalie chuckled along with Edward, but for an entirely different reason. “Oh, you’ve stepped in it now, friend.” I heard her mumble.

Edward seemed to sense the change of vibe amongst us. He looked sheepishly up from under his lashes. “What did I say?”

“What did you just imply?” I asked, turning a chilly glare in his direction.

Edward chuckled. “Ah…you don’t like being called a cougar?”

“Of course I do.” My voice dripped with sarcasm. “Why would I not love being compared to a predatory animal who crouches in the grass, only to jump out at poor, unsuspecting prey? Or, in this case - poor, unsuspecting men?”

Edward winked at me and grinned. “I’m not unsuspecting.”

“And I’m not jumping on you.”

Rosalie laughed out loud and Jasper seemed to be trying not to choke.

“Oh, come on.” Edward was still smiling, although I wasn’t. I truly wanted to smack that cocky grin right off of his mug. “I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s a compliment.”

“And yet, oddly, I do not feel complimented.”

“Again with the compliments, Edward?” Jasper asked as he shook his head. “I think you should just start trying to insult her. Maybe then it will come off as an actual compliment.”

“Besides,” Alice piped up, cheerily. “Everybody knows you don’t reach cougar status until the age of forty. Bella isn’t forty, yet.” Her eyes darted to me, as if she were unsure. “Are you, Bella?”

I almost punched her. Instead, I smiled, albeit tightly. “No, Alice. I am not forty.” I looked at Edward. “Yet.”

He grinned at me, obviously enjoying my discomfort. “Why are you so embarrassed about your age? Forty isn’t old.”

Now I didn’t know who I was going to punch first. But I wasn’t about to again deny being forty because putting me on the defensive was exactly what he wanted.

Fucking salesmen.

“I am not the least bit embarrassed about my age, Mr. Masen.”

He chuckled, interrupting me. “Ah. It’s ‘Mr. Masen’ now.”

I continued. “It’s just that now you’ve sort of made it a bone of contention with me.”
His eyes twinkled over at me. How the hell did he do that? “Stubbornly biting down on that bone, are you?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “You betcha.”

Edward put his hands up in the air, in mock-surrender. “OK, OK. Please forgive me. I honestly meant no offense.”

I was sure he didn’t, just as I’m sure most people who use that stupid term don’t mean to cause offense. But they do. Who the hell decided to use that word in such a stupid context, anyway? I may have been single and thirty-eight years old, but in no way was I desperate enough for dates that I would have to pounce on some young lamb of a guy in an effort to get laid.

And as if I was out on the prowl to begin with. I simply came out to have drinks with my friends. Jasper and Edward were the ones who came prowling over to our table.
Granted, they may have been drawn in by the smell of drool emanating from our three mouths, but still.

I took a deep breath as Edward continued to gaze at me from beneath his eyelashes. “Fine,” I said, begrudgingly. “I’ll take your bone out from between my teeth.”

Everyone at the table burst out laughing and Edward shifted in his seat with a comical grimace on his face as he replied, “Um…thanks. I feel so much more comfortable now.”

Sigh. I would like to bite down on that bone myself…ahem. What I find most annoying sometimes in fics is when the monologue takes over, the long speech like way of communication that is not found anywhere in nature. No one talks like that, do they? So when I come across scenes where the conversation is concise and to the point, and especially when its funny as fuck, I am as happy as a little girl.

Say your dialogue out loud people, does it sound natural? If it doesn’t, rewrite it. And make me giggle please…

Here's another great scene of back and forth, I couldn’t resist...

I have such a hard-on for Cary Grant.

A Curious Turn Of Phrase:

Sometimes, even in the most angsty of fic, a moment can be lightened or enhanced with a little humor. And sometimes, it’s the smallest things that make me giggle. That happened once in college also with a gherkin sized schlong, but I digress.

I also find really strange shit funny, and it is usually curiously placed punctuation, or a weird grouping of words that make me bust out laughing and always remember it.

There is a line from Creature of Habit where Edward has purchased some things for Bella to make her feel more at home in his place. This is a serious scene, with serious implications, but there is one line in particular that cracks my shit up every time I read it. See if you can figure out which line it is:

I forced myself to wander back to my sorting, but I found myself watching him instead. He was so relaxed, happy. His face had always been smooth and perfect, but I knew now there had been an underlying anger and sadness. But now, since we’d been together, that had washed away. He was busy separating utensils, measuring spoons, and chopsticks (“For the Thai!” he exclaimed with glee). He was glorious and safe. He was exciting and carried the enthusiasm of a child. I felt a pull to Edward like I had never experienced before. And as much as I was content working side by side with him, there were still questions I had and answers I needed.

If you guessed “For the Thai!” you are correct sir! And not just the line, but the fact that she put a fucking exclamation point there, it cracks my up each time. I just get this mental picture of Edward each time, so excited about fucking Thai food he can’t even eat… love it.

Another great example of a few words that stay with me and make me giggle over and over again is this excerpt from How My Life Was Ruined In 14 Days. Once again, see if you can spot the phrase that kills me.

I had rescheduled my morning shower. I figured if I waited until the last moment to shave there would no chance of stubble. This presented more dilemmas because I didn’t know how much to shave. Below the knee, definitely. And under the arms. But were you supposed to shave your thighs? I’d never bothered before, but it hadn’t mattered to anyone but me.

I shaved the thighs. And once I was there, I couldn’t help thinking I should continue shaving. If I knew Edward’s opinion... but I didn’t. In the end I decided to trim down, but not get rid of it completely.

Oh man, it’s the thighs line. Not just that she is debating on whether or not to shave above the knee (which is comedy in itself, as we have all been there) but it’s the phrasing. “ I shaved THE thighs” is infinitely more funny than ‘I shaved MY thighs”. I love the little things, the details that make things funny. Real life is damn funny, and its these tiny moments, these strange little phrases that make me laugh and giggle endlessly.


Now while my illustrious cohort Auntie Taco (yes, my 2 year old calls her that) is a fan of the witty banter and comedic phrasing. I prefer the good ole' fashion slapstick comedy, dick and fart jokes and embarrassing scenes of hilarity. Yes, I am actually a 14 year-old boy. Fuck off.

Slapstick Comedy. A good old fashioned shot to the balls.

What is slapstick? How about this.

Getting slapped in the face with a hot dog, or wrestling in your boxers with your dad (who happens to be fabulously attractive but whatever) or getting a purse swung at your balls while you're trying to woo the new girl in town.
Yes, I did just reference my own shit but so what.

Finding humor in exaggerating physical conundrums is usually geared towards a younger audience, or men, but I digress. Having the mental age of 12 with the physical age of 27 (33) I enjoy men getting kicked in the balls, or slapped in the face. Or women having their hair yanked by cholas who street fight and scratch. But, physical violence to render pain isn't the only thing I find funny.

Situations such as getting your bird waxed like in Progress and comparing it to a team of fire ants attacking your lady business, that is a great visual right there. Ladies, it ain't that bad getting the old bidniss' stripped, but, it does make for some honest to goodness side splitting hilarity. A story like Progress is inherently funny on principal alone. Dude, he's a sleep humper. That's gold right the fuck there.

Humor for the sake of embarrassment

Reading and watching someone suffering through an embarrassing situation is wonderful to me. Yes, I'm terrible but you knew that. Having the cajoles to embarrass Edward Cullen? You're my new best friend.

Case in point. "So Much Cooler Online."

There are lots of Geekward fics. In some he's not too much of a tool and is easily redeemed with some new threads, a fancy haircut and contacts. Others he's beyond help. Then you've got the nice little mix of the two. In SMCO, he's a science teacher, a virgin and lives in his parents' basement. He's cute, of course, under the thick black frames and encyclopedic knowledge of all things Sc-fi. Yet, he's completely incapable of normal conversation with someone that has breasts.

“Yeah, and I’ve even got a light saber. I should show it to you sometime.”

She further humiliates him by describing his first Bella-centric wet dream only to have Esme walk in to view his tented bed sheet.

Sigh. I love embarrassed Edward.

It's a great antidote to cocky, over compensating assward, doucheward, slutward, terdward or whatever the hell other 'wards' there are to describe that characterization.

Vulgar, crass and just plain gross humor.

What makes for a story to be vulgar, crass or just plain gross? We'll start with shit.

Yes, the wonderful crackfictacular known as El Circo de Cullen. Ever wonder what happens when you've got nature dialing a number 2 when you're in a house full of vampires?

Classic cracktacular lines:

“Ssshh!” I hissed to my bowels.

Amidst the horror, my unintentional groan and the sound that ripped from my body had alerted the worst Cullen possible to my little situation.

“What the FUCK was that!?” Emmett bellowed from below.

“Oh my God, Bella!” Miss Ice-Queen-Rosalie just had to come up here didn’t she? “Did you seriously just take a massive dookie in Edward’s bathroom? Even when I was human I would have held it!”

This story is a lesson in both embarrassment and gross and crass humor. The best of all worlds. Hehehe.

In closing we'd like to impress upon you some parting words of wisdom. Ah, hell who the fuck are we kidding. The extent of the knowledge the two of us possess is epic levels of asshattery and the inability to stay serious for extended periods of time.

What we would like to tell you though is read comedy, support the people that take the chance to write it. The world is a sick fucking place, the least we can do is laugh at it and ourselves.

Life is too fucking short to not have a good time and laugh. Own that shit. Laugh at yourself and your friends and find humor in the things around you. If a guy is being a grade A douchebag in a bar hitting on chicks and using the cheesiest lines on the planet, pay attention to his lameness and then kick him in the junk.

Then write a fic about it and send it to me and Alice so we can wax poetic on how fucking funny you are.
Previous Genre Series Articles: Romance - Supernatural & Fantasy - Horror - Tragedy
Ninapolitan and Feathersmmmm are hetero taco life partners and the insane half of the Twigasm Podcast. They are funny ladies who write funny fic. Go read, laugh.


  1. You two never cease to make me laugh until I cry. I am Team Taco.


  2. Carey Grant...before Edward he was THE man of my dreams and, if he were alive, he'd be older than my Gran! You two crack me up. I mean belly laughing, tears rolling, I can't breath crack up! Seriously this was highly informative and funny as hell! Loved it, love you!

  3. awww..edward loves you and has bought you each a complimentary set of chopsticks. you know...for the thai!


  4. After scanning through taco pictures to post for this article, I am now most decidedly going to Chipolte for lunch. Hehehee.

  5. it wrong that this article about humor made me laugh more than anything I have read in ff in weeks?

    So hey - what a nice little surprise to wake up this morning (well, mid-morning...I am NOT a morning person) and find an article on one of my favorite blogs wherein ME and MY story are mentioned. Just color me taken aback. And thankful. Thanks for that oh-so-cool mention, Alice. You know, I happen think my chit is hilarious; but generally I assume that few others will get it - just like in the rest of my life. I'm happy to know that, as is usually the case, I am wrong. :)

    BTW, I totally have a hard on for Cary Grant, too.

    Thanks for the chuckles this morning ladies and, again, for mentioning The Cocky and The Cougar in such a fabulous post!

    *peace, love and smooches*
    ~ ikss / Karen

  6. Oh my...
    Nina and Alice. you seriously make me pee my pants.
    That shit was funny as hell.
    I think my favorite was El Circo de Cullen.
    Only Emmett and Rosalie could come up with that shit...lit'rally.

    I heart u ladies hard.

  7. Alice! You didn't tell me you mentioned my story! I love you for it...and your continuing love of the thighs line.

    Awesome article ladies! And whole bunch of stories I didn't know about. I'm excited to try reading! Thank you!


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