Friday, June 26, 2009

omg I learned the link thingie!

RIP, Michael Jackson.

Good God. Awful. First Johnny’s sidekick. Then an Angel. Now the King O’Pop. I’m listening to “The way you make me feel” as I type this. Check out the affiliate Music Sundays blog for our little tribute to Michael.

Dearest Uncle of the Dirty Persuasion,

I'm sick of reading fics where Emmett is a brain dead doofus, Alice is a pea-brained shopaholic, Esme is a wallflower, Carlisle is saintly, and Rosalie is a frigid bitch for no reason what so ever. (Am I allowed to say 'bitch' in this?)

Can you give a breakdown of some characteristics and/or link some fics in which they're actually treated with some authorly respect?



Dearest Grey One:

I hear ya. It’s a weird phenomenon, but I get it. Mother SMeyer didn’t really give an awful lot of characterization to the Others Cullen, so people tend to jump on the few things we know about them and… exaggerate.

Kinda like whiney Bellas or stalkery Edwards that you see all over the place.

I apologize that I have not the time to link to any stories, mostly because I’m sadly out-of-date as to what’s au courant in the fic world. I’m guilty of having shopper Alice, but I don’t treat Emmett like a doofus. He couldn’t have a 4.0 and be stupid.

Anyone out there have good suggestions?


Dear Most-hilarious-&-talented,

1. Isn't it a good thing to be at the cool table? I'll trade you places if you want. I think you have a nice internet personality-whatever the fuck you were saying. I like you.

2. How do we easily find good quality betas if we're new and dont know no body? Please don't answer telling me to search in the fanfiction main page. I tried that. It's too hard.

3. How did you meet your soulmate Jandco?

4. Do you knit?

Thank you,

Dear Bee:

1. Thank you. There’s nothing wrong with being at the “cool table”, but I think a lot of people have odd perceptions as to what that means when it comes to the Twific world. I don't even really know. Sure, I know a lot of people in the fandom. Sure, if I ask for something, people generally respond to whatever it is.

But with all that good stuff… I get a lot of crazy, and a lot of bad. Personal attacks. Emails forwarded about my awful character. It’s odd, hearing about yourself from another’s lips, whether it’s in real life or on the internet. I just do as I do, blissfully unaware that my dry sarcasm just totally offended a small group of people who took what I typed the wrong way or was meant for something else. They start with the “ugh, she’s such a catty bitch”, and before you know it? I get Private Messages that make me feel awful, simply awful. It sucks.

I get it. I do. I’m whining about nothing. But there you have it. I haven’t said this lately, but I’m very glad that so many people respond positively to what I put out there. It’s way bigger than the small portion of the bad.

But… aren’t we all that way, to some extent? Focus on the one bad and simply acknowledge the good?

Ack. Srs bsns. On to the next.

2. For a beta, I’d try one of the many twilight fanfiction-related websites out there. There’s now the Project Team Beta Livejournal community… an excellent, excellent resource. Check it out, it’s one of our affiliates here at the Ficster.

3. We met when small potatoes wtvoc wrote a PM to the great Jandco, inviting her to come play on the thread we started on for Cullen’s Island. Actually, it was a little over a year ago that I first messaged her. Oh, the times we’ve had…

4. Yup. Thank you, Martha Stewart. Your step-by-step instructions showed me how to create long-ass scarves and teeny, tiny baby hats. I wanted to learn because my twins were born super early and there were NO hats out there to accommodate their itty-bitty heads.


Dear Favorite Uncle of Mine by Far

Can I pretty please borrow Ginsper? I promise I'll play nice with him and eventually return him to you (if I must). What d'ya say? Would it help if I offered to bribe you with a veritable plethora of Rob photos? I could do that. I have sources.

Oh, and before I forget, the jandco to my you - the lovely and charming Ferzinha - would like to ask if you are, in fact, down with OPP. Well, color me intrigued. Are you?

Thanks for allowing me to pick your always enticing brain for a bit. Would it be weird to call your brain my happy place? :P

- Makkitotosimew

Dear Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho:

I didn’t include the first half of your message because it didn’t need to be there, but I’ll say this: we would need to read anything before you posted. I’m not opposed to you using Ginsper for a bit, but I’d definitely want to read it first. I know that sounds pompous, but there it is. We’re downright proud of Scotch Jasper. He needs to be handled with care.

And yes, it would help to have photos, but it’s not necessary. People send me pictures of Rob all day.

As for the OPP, jandco and wtvoc have been down before there was ever a song written about it.


Dirtiest of Uncles,

Have you ever read the Donald McCaig novel Rhett Butler's People? Someone bought it for me for Christmas and it has been sitting untouched on my bookshelf ever since. I'm terrified to read it. What if it ruins my image of the ultimate southern rogue? Should I take the plunge?

AlwaysHave ~Jenn~

Yassum, Miss Scahlitt:

I, too, have yet to crack open my copy. I bought it at Border’s for four bucks and ninety-nine cents. A steal, to be sure.

I am a HUGE fan of Scarlett O’Hara. I even liked that fanfiction novel that continued Gone with the Wind and loved it.

How about you read yours, I’ll read mine, and we’ll meet somewhere and chat about it. y/y?


Dear department of rants and raves (wtvoc)

You may think the purpose of this e-mail is because I'm angling for someone to write a story about a diabetic sheepherding Bella that wears adult diapers and is in to beastiality, but I assure you that is not my intent. Your website seems to be well respected in the fandom and you articles have done a superior job of leading readers and writers down the righteous path. I may be flogged for this because I violated my own advice by using way too many adjectives and I love McD's fries (sugar and all) more than life itself. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

I'm going to sign off now using a pseudonym. I'm a coward, too.

The Oracle of Gomorrah
(because Sodom is so 2008)

Dear Oracle of Anti-Anal:

Look, you guys. This was a majorly long missive that I would love to include, but for sake of word count, I just stuck the end in.

This was an amazingly long dictation that I at first couldn’t discern, but I quickly saw your point.

You are tired of reading the same shit over and over again.

Reading “I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding” a thousand times in a handful of fics really is exhausting.

You want quality; that’s why you’re here at this blog.

Thank you for that.

(Anyone who is interested in reading the words of this lovely Oracle, email me at, and I’ll forward it to you. It’s a doozy, but entertaining)



I am fairly new to fan fiction and have become obsessed. I feel like all I do is read, read, read and read some more. I have several friends from work who have read the Twilight Series, and when they ask me for recommendations I start telling them all about the fantastic fanfics I have read. Many of the fics I recommend are smutarific and I feel as if they think of me differently because of my lemon loving tendencies. I am feeling alone in my obsession/addiction...can you suggest any support groups where I can meet fellow addicts? Should I keep my fanfic faves to myself and steer my friends towards something else?



Dear Kentucky Sauteed Ficsterian:

Welcome to the light.

You’re definitely not alone. I know not a lot of the articles on this here blog get commented on, but believe me when I tell you, the hits are huge. Seriously. Check out the top right corner there. The people following? It’s over what, 400 now? I don’t even know.

Go google “twilight fanfiction” and see what sites pop up.

I, personally, am actively involved in the following:

This here blog

The Music Sundays Blog

The Eddies and the Bellies, an excellence in fanfiction awards site

The Temptation Twilight Podcast as an occasional guest

The livejournal community the Gazebo

The livejournal community ontd_twatlight

And oh yeah, I write some shit, too.

So you’re not alone.

How to feel a part of it? Start posting, man. You can’t get the support you seek if you lurk. Go find a place you like, hang out a bit. Then one day… post. Post like a motherfucker. You’ll find someone out there with your same likes/dislikes, trust me. I’ve made amazing, lasting friendships through this here fanfic thing. Hell, I’m sitting next to an enormous padded envelope that’s going to emibella, and a box that’s going to smellyia. (CONGRATS, SMELLYIA OMG) It’s just… there’s a lot of us out here, and we’re not exclusionary.

Twilighted is a good way to wet your toes. Start there, lemme know what you find.

And if all else fails, email your dirty uncle. I’ll talk to you.


Dear "Superwoman" Dirty Uncle:

"Hear me now und believe me later..."

Aside from your multiple occupations, do you work out? I just returned to the gym and I'm in dire need of a Pump-(clap)-You-Up playlist, but not necessarily a la Hans and Franz. What songs would be essential to your work out playlist?


Dear Ferfer:

Where were you when emibella and I were coming up with playlists for the Music Sundays blog? That’s a good one.

I like music that has a beat similar to my heartbeat. I know that’s weird, but I find it’s easier to focus on breathing correctly when you have a beat to focus on, know what I mean? Try it out, you’ll see what I'm saying.

Kinda like the reason R&B is often “get it on” music is because it’s set to the beat at which people uhhh thrust, for lack of a better term.

Maybe I should stop.


Hai My favorite Dirty Unkie,

I have been stalking you on the El Jay recently, and I am curious about your avatar.

Exactly HOW MANY Rob's peens are there? It is only one avatar, there must be a restricted number of peens it can take!

Lurker of a Narrow Mind x

Dear Lurky McLurkleson:


And I assume you mean this:


Dude, that ain’t Rob. It’s David Hasselhoff.

I get a lot of PMs about the hypnotic Hoff!crotch.

Which is, of course, the point.


Dear wtvoc,
I've searched and googled my ass off and I can't find the link to the_gazebo community within LJ. Is it private? How can I see it? Do you have an address?


Dear Jules:

I believe I have the link on my profile, but just in case:

Now, a brief bit about this.

The Gazebo is private, but if you have an active livejournal and some friends, and if can get someone to vouch for you, you’ll get in.

And yes, your dirty uncle will vouch for you.

You click “join this community”, and if you PM one of the MODs listed on the homepage with the “I know so-and-so”, you should be okay.

If you’re new to LJ and have no friends and no journal entries… they may not let you in.

There’s been issues with people making socks to come in and stir shit up.

I know, I know. Who has that kind of time?

Anyway, hope to see you there!

(if you dunno what a "sock" is, either guess or email your dirty uncle:


Dear withthevamps,

If you could have one band or solo artist perform a private show for you (take that however you want, dirty or otherwise) who would it be, and why?

Yours truly,


Dear Gussie:

I should like a private piano concerto performed by Beethoven.

Something tells me that man was a tall slice of smoldering unf.



A very important question today. Let's say you are reading a new fic, you are kinda diggin' it - and then - the author pulls out the Avril Lavigne song quote (or Nickelback or Peaches and Herb or Phil Collins, basically insert any recording artist that is intrinsically against your music philosophy). What do you do?



Dear Sk8r Gurl:

I laughed a long one after reading this question. Oh, lord but I did.

I am sooo very hesitant to include song titles and artists and lyrics in my fics, so I try to be subtle about it when I do. Hell, I’ve recently revived my fic whose basis is music, and it’s tough.

But what about when you get the banal lyric from an artist you would punch in the face if ever afforded the opportunity? Do you stop reading the fic?

Nah. Try to remember, not everyone has your tastes. Tryyyyy.

I, for example, want to take most country tunes and throw them in front of my Silverado so I can use the 4x4 on more than the California freeway.

That doesn’t mean I’d stop reading a fic that included Taylor Swift lyrics.

I simply cringe and read on. I mean, if the fic is good, it doesn’t matter, right?

I have a thing for 80s tunes. I do. But I know not everyone does. Oh, well. My fic, I’ll do what I want.

One thing I do like to do, though, is tell you guys how I feel about certain things via fic. We did this to great effect when informing everyone that Coldplay does not belong next to the Cure in one’s CD collection, no matter the alphabetical order.

Anyway, try to get over your distaste. Give the fic a chance.

But if they start to quote John Mayer, run. Screaming.


Jasper Hale Question O’the Week

Dear Ms. Wtvoc –

I appreciate the detailed answer you provided for last week’s question. You have given me much to consider. Just when I thought I had a solid grasp on the concept of true human nature, I realize there is still much to learn.

I hope it does not offend, but this week’s question is also of a sexual topic. In addition to the D/s popularity we discussed, I have also noticed that the majority of “slash” stories pair me with Edward. There is an occasional slash story featuring Carlisle, but Emmett – who appears to be otherwise a very popular fan fiction character – is almost never featured in this way. Edward’s physical attractiveness is an empirical fact, and I do understand the interest in all manner of stories about him. However, as vampires, all the members of my family enjoy the enhanced physical attributes that make us particularly appealing to your kind. I am anxious to hear your thoughts on why Edward and I seem to be singled out for this unconventional pairing.

Perhaps this is a turn of the “smut tide” you mentioned?

As an aside, Emmett is starting to question his appeal, and Rosalie is no help, as she cannot understand why he wants to be paired, even fictionally, with anyone but her.

Until next time,

Jasper Hale

P.S. It would be my honor to take you up on your dinner offer one evening. What type of steak do you prefer? An animal found in the continental United States would be best.

Dear Mr. Hale-

To borrow from something I answered above, I believe it’s because we know so little about Jasper that you are chosen most often for this unconventional pairing.

I’m going to be general here, but Emmett is the jocky fratboy of the Cullen Bunch. Jasper is the consummate Southern Gentleman.
We know about Edward, we know he’s a gentleman. And I don’t care how unfeministic (o hai there, neologism) this is, but most girls like a gentleman. We don’t want to be coddled or rendered useless, but I for one love to have the door held open for me, and I am teaching my children to be considerate of ladies.

True gentlemen don’t treat their women like china, they treat them like they’re worthy of being treated well. It’s a small distinction, but an important one.

Now, keeping that in mind- Emmett is the funtimes guy. I’d invite Emmett to my backyard barbecue or a strip joint; Edward I’d take home to meet mom, and you, Mr. Hale, would be the guy I’d hold to be the example for which I’d wish my children to emulate.

Now, opposites surely do attract, so you’d think Emmett would be the ideal candidate for an opposite-Edward slash pairing; perhaps it’s because of the similar natures that the two of you are seen more often as a pair.

Plus… canon Edward and canon You aren’t painted as blood-related, if you’ll forgive the pun. Edward, Emmett, and Alice are the siblings; you and Rosalie are the siblings.

Edward and Emmett is oogie and incestuous. Sure, we realize none of you are related; maybe it’s the suggestion of it from the second (third? idk, idk. Someone dust off the Bible and tell me) chapter when Jessica is filling Bella in on the town Scandal that made it a sort of subliminal suggestion.

As for Emmett, tell him not to be hurt by this. He doesn’t strike me as one to take himself too seriously, and maybe he can rest easy knowing that I’ve gotten a lot of questions recently regarding the fic reader’s disapproval of Emmett being treated as a doofus in most fics. You’re no doofus, darling; we all know this.


PS- corn-fed Nebraskan cattle is always best. I like rib eye, medium rare.

Voting for the Eddies & the Bellies is coming… stay tuned!
Send your inquiries, thoughts, comments, and ramblings to me at . Seeya in the funny papers…

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. "Dude, that ain't Rob. It's David Hasselhoff."

    Well those are 7 words I never expected to read in the same sentance in my lifetime.

    I'm torn between alternating between being extremely disturbed and laughing uncontrollably.

    ITA on your assessment on why Em is not a good slash pairing. He just isn't.

  2. Silverado 4x4? Medium-rate ribeye? Running from John Mayer? Damn, woman, I'm at work- quit getting me all hot and bothered.

  3. My friend and I were just discussing how Emmett is never together with Edward or Jasper.
    She's not an Emmett fan but loves slash. She doesn't want to see that anyway. I am a huge Emmett supporter (I married him for Chripe's sake) and although I don't read slash I have to agree that Edward and Japser just seem to go together like that :p Emmett squeaking the springs with anyone of the same sex variety totally....GAG.

  4. I grew up in Nebraska, so I applaud your taste in choosing Nebraska beef. It really is the best.

    Very entertaining column, as always. I hope you enjoyed your vacation.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. oops. eff you, blogspot, for not giving edit options. and if you do.... well, eff me, too.

    CAPPIE. wouldja like me to start describing the list of honey-dos i made for mr. wtvoc? he'll get all sweaty, and he probably has to use some tools.

  7. Only if you promise to incorporate 'thrust' and 'grunt' into said description. Nothing like a hot, sweaty man who is thrusting and grunting while using his tool.

  8. LOVE.

    Jasper, you are wonderful.

    And in regards to the lady asking about non-stupid Emmett fics? I would rec State of Delusion. It's an EmRo fic that's lots of awesome and a dash of angst with a slosh of humor.

    Hope that helps.

  9. Ooo. I can help here. I've read Rhett Butler's People.

    It's like the appeal EPOV of canon. You just want to get into the minds of the male protagonist and find out what he was really thinking. I couldn't resist reading this book.

    And, in my opinion, you fall a little more in love with Rhett because of this story. Yep. Even though I already adored him.

    It covers before GwtW. A little snooze fest in my opinion but that's just because I'm impatient and wanted to get to the good stuff.

    Now. The post GwtW storyline. Sigh. I've reread that section many, many, many times. Loved it.

    Much better than the continuation book, and I actually even enjoyed that book. Although off-to-Ireland part always makes me giggle. So odd.

    But, yeah. Definitely read it! I'm gonna go looking for my copy now.

  10. Whoa. My question got answered. Totally never expected to see that. Thanks!

    That said, of COURSE you guys can read anything I write! I would never dream of borrowing your character and not showing you what I did with him before showing it to anyone else. So, in the event that I actually get the chapter finished, it'll be in your inbox the second it's completed. :)

    Oh, and if you ever find out who's behind the Jasper letters, I'll so send you cookies or a membership to the steak of the month club or something in exchange for that little bit of info. Though the happily delusional part of me wants to believe it really IS Jasper, the barely-clinging-to-sanity part just wants to know whose brain spawned that brilliance. Surprised he doesn't sign as Whitlock though, considering he's well aware we all know the truth... (Yeah, I've thought WAY too much about that. lol)

  11. trust, dear. i waffle daily between wanting to know who's behind it and keeping the illusion.

    but if jacob ever starts writing me... gtfo.

  12. Well, there goes any cred I thought I might have with a halfway decent fic. I have John Mayer lyrics in one of my chapters.

    90% of my chapters have song lyrics in them (that's my fic's thing, ya know?)



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