Ask Dirty Uncle Jandco

Our Dirty Uncle is on vacation so once again the ONLY person who could possibly fill her shoes has tied 'em up and went to work. So, ladies and well, Jasper, I give you Jandco...

Dearest WTVOC,

I'm a' ponderin' do you shy away from certain ships or is it whoever screws whoever?! 'cause I was totally, "EEEEWW! Alice/Edward=PURE HELL!" before Angst Brigade! But I read that and was like... It doesn't freak me out as much in this one... But now I hail that story as a religion of sorts! So I don't mind ALice/Edward when I (re)read that particular story but with others Im like, "Ahh!"

Sincerely, wanderer

Darling Nomad,

Thanks for enduring the uncomfortable read that is Angst Brigade. So. Out of canon shipping. This is an absolutely fabulous question, mostly because I have a lot to say about this.

Do I like it?

That hugely depends. Normally, no. It’s uncomfortable and just seems wrong, mostly because it’s ingrained in us that Bella and Edward belong together. That Alice’s box secretes venom only for Jasper. You get the idea. Besides, the original Twilight characters all had a sibling type relationship—it’s almost incest like to think of Emmett on Alice or Jasper on Rosalie or Edward on Emmett.

But then something happened.

Everything else had been done. The fanfiction world pretty much got bored with putting Bella and Edward in all kinds of lusty positions…and we needed fresh meat, different personality clashes and I’ll be honest, it’s fun to play around with those characters. It was refreshing and shocking and fun, if a tad uncomfortable.

The key to enjoying out of canon shipping is to find a good author. An author so good that she’s built her own characters, and just slapped on the names we all know and love. It’s also important to try your damnest to go into reading an out of canon pairing with an open mind. Make a conscious decision to read the story as you would any other not-fanfiction-book. Hell, if it helps, make up your own names.

I’m so passionate about this topic because it just recently occurred to me that I was missing out on hella good fics because I was avoiding the crazy shipping.

Then I read The Elite by Fate of Gabriel. Gah. Start with that one, it’s the best I’ve read and the author did such a wonderful job building her own world and characters, you forget all about canon.

Hope that long winded rant helped…

Jandco

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Dearest most brilliant light in the fanfiction firmament –

Since your advice enable…uh…allowed me to enjoy my predilection for Bella/Edward stories without guilt or the inconvenience of eye gouging, I thought you might be able to help me analyze and perhaps solve some confounding conundrums currently cramming my cranium.

(1) Mr. Robert Pattinson recently announced that Summit would be bringing the fourth installment of the “Twilight” saga, “Breaking Dawn”, to the big screen and that he would be starring in the production. Given the particular “difficulties” in filming this to me, would you:

(a) film a 15 minute wedding scene along with an hour and 45 minute graphic honeymoon;

(b) film two hours of Mr. Pattinson looking into the camera and talking dirty to the audience;

(c) film two hours of the "Twilight" hot male candy (Mr. Pattinson, Mr. Lutz, Mr. Rathbone, Mr. Facinelli, et al) looking into the camera and talking dirty to the audience;

(d) film a fanfiction alternative to “Breaking Dawn”;

(e) film a combination of the above;

(f) film your own brilliant, yet highly controversial version of the novel; or

(g) abandon the project as totally unfilmable.

(2) Would Edward have saved himself a great deal of honeymoon performance anxiety if he had followed this maxim?

“Try not, do. Or do not. There is no try.”

(3) Would it be possible for me to blame Renee for Bella’s execrable lapse in judgment at the end of “New Moon”? That crap she spouts to Edward sure as hell sounds all “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” to me. You just know Renee could have picked it up at the commune or the ashram and she could have passed it on to poor, unsuspecting Bella. As much as I worship Edward, *I* would have let him know just how miserable he had made me and how much he was going to have to make it up to me. I would have guilted him to, at the very least, take me on a tour of European vamp hotspots. What are your thoughts?

Con mucho cariño para mi tio Weetboc,

lvk1978

Dear Many Spanish (I think) Words I Don’t Know,

So sorry you don’t get the Brilliant Light in Fanfiction Firmament—but you do get me. Which isn’t saying much, but I’m much more willing to bash Breaking Dawn than my fairer half.

Right off the bat, option G is off the table. Not because Breaking Dawn is something that I need to see on the big screen, but because Robert Pattinson and Co. is. I don’t care what he’s doing on that screen, as long as he’s there…but you’ve given me wonderful options, so I’ll choose.

And I’m choosing E.

I would like to see a five minute wedding scene, because I don’t need to see K. Stew stammer and NOT finish a sentence for a full fifteen minutes. Then I’d like the explicit honeymoon scene. I want to know, in great detail, how each of those bruises got there. I want to see pale, long fingered hands ripping pillows and breaking head boards. I want to hear gasping and growling and I want to see pale vampire ass pushing and struggling for self control. Yeah. And then I want option b to kick in, because after the honeymoon scene, we don’t need to see any of the other events that occurred in BD. I want Pattinson to find himself a bar stool, hop on, look into the camera and discuss his preferred sexual positions. And, because we’re playing in my fantasyland here, I’d like him to drop the F bomb, because crass turns me on.

Then Lutz, Rathbone and Facinelli can come in and do more of the same…and then I’d feel satisfied that I got my twelve bucks worth. But still. I’ll go see Breaking Dawn in all of its shapeshifting, absent Edward, womb munching, sexless, mutant baby glory. Probably more than once.

Okay, onward to Renee. This lady is following her new, young baseball playing husband around the nation, which screams pathetic. But we also know she had the balls to pack up her infant and leave Charlie. The woman is a flaky, walking contradiction. So, I’m going to go with no, Renee didn’t influence Bella. Renee was so involved in herself she didn’t have too much time to give Bella hair brained advice. Now, some people may think this is antifeminist or whatever—but, so what if Bella didn’t give Edward the business at the end of New Moon? She knew she wanted to be with him. She knew she would never NOT want to be with him…so for once, thank you Bella for sparing us the drama. Why make a big stink of it if it wasn’t going to change the outcome of their relationship? I’m okay with her quick acceptance, besides, if Edward Cullen and his sweet breath and cold chest were on my bed, I’d pretty much forgive anything, too.

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Dear Uncle Nuts...nutty....( forgive me, I stammer a lot)

I was wondering if the word revamped may have some ancient relationship with vamps. Like re...vamps?

Also, I would like to know what the real werewolf looks like if Jake (poor boy) is just a shapeshifter.

Been wondering also, ... if vamp skin is like granite, filled with blood it would certainly be a hard rod... but, how can that not hurt without a condom? So much for thorough Edward!

Revamped


Dear Re Vee,

That. Is a brilliant deduction. Revamp. Like, when a human is re-born as a vampire. Fixed up. Organized. Better. So, I searched for the origin of revamp, and only came up with a year—1850ish. So, ancient it’s not, but because I could find no further info on the origin, Imma go ahead and say you’re right. Keep in mind I don’t have near the authority or credibility of Merriam-Webster.

Shapeshifters. Sigh. Cop out. Anyhoo, in Eclipse Edward says something to Victoria about “Look close, is he really so much like the wolves in Siberia?” to which Victoria hisses “Not the same? Impossible!”—the point here being if Victoria’s sharpshooter vampire vision couldn’t detect a difference, our human eyes wouldn’t be able to at all. Don’t waste your time thinking about the differences there, your weak human vision could never detect any, anyway. Now, as for what they all must look like? Scotty Howard, of course. If you don’t know who Scott Howard is, shame on you and Google that shite ASAP. If, like me, you’re too lazy to do that, I’ll fill you in now. Scotty Howard is the best and original teen werewolf played by Michael J. Fox in the classic Teen Wolf. Jason Bateman comes in second, as he starred in Teen Wolf 2. Lautner is third.
Okay, so the skin on a vampire is described as granite hard (hot) but also as smooth as marble. Are you kidding me? That thing would glide in with the ease of a hot knife in butter. The cold may be a bit uncomfortable and numbing, but I wouldn’t anticipate a 103 year old virgin lasting too long anyway. But the thrusting…now that’s what will getchya in pelvic shattering trouble.

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Dear wtvoc,


I have a problem. It seems that my obsession with fanfiction has reached a point where I can do nothing but. I can't do homework and I can't study, because the moment I turn my computer on, I check my emails, which leads to a whole load of things. Which is really bad because I have tonnes of tests coming up that I really need to study for -- and I can't.

I mean, in English it's alright. I can just pretend Romeo and Julliet are Edward and Bella and all's good, I pass my work with flying colours. But everything else... I mean, it's not like I can pretend Edward is an oxygen of atom and Bella is the two hydrogen atoms that join to him-- oooh. That'd be kinda funny.


Anyway, my question is: Do you have any study techniques that could somehow relate science and maths and history and geography and everything else school-y to Twilight or fanfiction? Any ideas at all to help me study, or maybe actually enjoy doing schoolwork? Any? I'm getting desperate! I don't want to fail just because fanfiction rules me life and I have no self control....

Please help me!

Sincerely,

~Fucked


Dear Effed,

I am the way wrong person to be asking this. WTVOC could’ve actually helped you a lot, as she is a fanfic addict who has a massive school load as well. I, however, am a self indulgent creep, so I hadn’t really ever put much thought into trying to do more responsible things…

Now. I’d go with simple task and reward here. You get three chapters of History text read, then reward yourself with three chapters of fanfiction. Right? I dunno. That could be completely counterproductive. I got nothing.

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Dear dirty uncle,

Am I going to go to hell for my impure thoughts about Priestward?

Do I need to go to AA for my addiction to Scotch and Gin?

Did you know that if you mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate you can make napalm?

Did you know that with enough soap you could blow up the world?

I'm taking Fight Club out of the DVD player now.

Much love,

Imjacksbrokenheart

Dear Imjacksbrokenheart,

HI! I remember you! Excuse me for that, I just got way too excited to see a familiar name. Down to business. If you are going to hell for impure thoughts about Priestward, lemme pack up my firepoker and hail a cab—I’m coming with you! Seriously, one of the many, many things I love about Sanctuary is the absolute innocence. It’s a true love story, not built on lust or sex. It’s about struggle and indecision and falling in love with another’s soul, not tits. Rest easy, that story is about as pure as they come.

Psssh. People addicted to Scotch and Gin don’t go to AA. They go to Promises with Lindsay Lohan and Eva Mendes.

I did NOT know about O.J. and gas…and I don’t know how comfortable I am with us sharing that information with a fandom known for extreme behavior.

I would rather die from Irish Spring than a nuclear bomb. I hope more people know the soap fact.

There is never a good reason to take Fight Club out of the DVD player. Put it back.

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Dear Dirty Uncle,

I have been trying to figure out what I could ask that I would need your specific expertise and I have finally come up with the perfect question.

In the recently released very sexy pictures of our dear Rob he is ab'ed out. I am questioning whether these abs are for real or if they are sprayed on a la the hotels.com commercial where the guy gets spray tanned abs.

Then I must also question why Edward, a non changing vampire, all of a sudden has abs in New Moon whereas in Twilight they were vitually non existent. Please help, I really must have the answer to this question, I believe Rob's abs are of utmost importance to your reading audience.

Thank you.

-shelly

Shelly,

Little bit of column A, little bit of column B. I know you saw the pre shooting New Moon pics of Pattinson lugging around that gym bag all sweaty and put out. He’s been working out. However, he hasn’t been working out that hard. I’d say the abs are there, but are majorly defined with the help of airbrushing.

I suspect he has ripped abs in New Moon because he was shamed into the gym. I mean, lots of people straight up laughed at that tum tum during what was supposed to be a pivotal scene in Twilight. He ain’t making that mistake twice, and I don’t think the powers that be would let him if he wanted to. Mucho dinero on the line this time around.

And, let’s be honest, we’ll all forgive this oversight. I mean, I can give up the need for continuity and rigid vampire rules of existence if I can see those abs.

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Special thanks to the lovely and talented Jandco for filling in for her girl, wtvoc. Every time she writes for the blog it is filled with insight and a hearty dose of lusty humor. We all look forward to her contributions and hope that WTVOC is having a fantastic time deep frying assorted foods. Don't burn your tongue, wtvoc, we need it too much!

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