Friday, June 5, 2009

Column: Ask Uncle WTVOC

I’m baaaaaack. How’d my lady do?
I’m also updating now. School’s out fo’ summah, ladies. Expect some new shit, and the return of some old from your good ole dirty uncle.
Oh, and this one has lots of strong language. There’s yer warning.

Dear WTVOC, can you find me a good fic written by a male?

Dear Brown Gimp-
I know you wrote this one a while ago, but since you’re in recovery, I figure you could use the distractions.
However… I have been unable, as of yet, to find one. So… anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Know any good boy!fics?
If so, please send links to (along with your questions, yo) and I’ll forward them on to my dear little gustariana.

Dear WtVoC,
I'm having a bit of a problem. I've written my stories over the past year, and suddenly I'm looking back at them... and they really stink! To me, at least. I just don't have the patience to rewrite them, or, in the case of a certain sequel, continue them. I have an entire list of brand new ideas that I want to write, without the strings of the older stories attached. However, I've been reading the articles on TLYDF, and I don't want to lose my credit with my readers. Help!
P.S. I'm getting with feeling you've reviewed one of my stories, but I'm really not sure if you have...

Dear TTS:
First off, I have not reviewed your stories. You’d know if I did. My reviews are short and often make no sense to anyone but me. But hell, they sure are memorable.
Secondly… this is, indeed, a problem. Trust me. I think most authors have a major love/hate relationship with their first-ever fic. I know I do.
So take it from someone who is currently, as of this article, in the middle of six stories. Six.
Finish before you start a new thing. Unless you like being inundated with requests to finish the other(s), of course.
If you don’t want to finish or rework your old stuff, you can do one of three things:
1. Post an author’s note that you’re not finishing.
a. Be prepared for WTF reviews/PMs.
2. Pull the fic(s) in their entirety.
a. Be prepared for WTF PMs.

3. Do nothing.
a. Be prepared for a barrage of WTF reviews/PMs for the term of your fanfiction account.

Sorry. Them’s the breaks, kid.

Good luck.


Dear Nurse WtVoC (or soon-to-be...),

I'd ask you to diagnose my swollen, purple finger, 'cept I'm pretty sure it's just a sprain and will be mostly healed by the time you answer on Friday.

How much do you think of word count as you're writing? Does it really affect you much, thinking about how long (or short) a chapter is?
As I find myself writing, I'm always worrying that the chapter's gonna be ridiculously short. Is that just paranoid me and my insane lack of time, or is it semi-typical?

Bombarded with stress,
~The terrible writer who's gone 3.5 months without updating~
(AKA pwtf)

Dear Patient:

It’s mos. def. typical.

Here’s the thing about word count-

Don’t get all hung up on it.

Unless, for some odd reason, you need to count words, ignore.
I’ve posted chapters that were around a thousand words.

I’ve also done the 10,000 word.

What it comes down to is this:
Did you get your point across?
Were you able to advance the plot?

If yes, well, then good.

Who cares about chapter length?

But like, don’t make every chapter under 2,000 or over 10,000. Sometimes it’s about learning when to break the page up. And some authors are able to do the long chapter thing well. But I’ve heard some readers grumble about tl;dr, so if you’re sensitive to that kind of thing, just realize that some people are going to grumble no matter what.

If you injure yourself doing anything- running, typing, having sex- the test is simple:

If it starts to hurt more/bleed more/ get bigger/ fester/ smell funny, then go to the doctor.

You can call your dirty Uncle, too. My number is



I know your snarky ass is going to hate me for saying, but HALE, you can give so much better!

So, I throw that gauntlet. Show me what ya got. Maybe we should have a convo about this, eh, before you post? Whatev.

Sleepless in _____ (could mean so many things...can it be Jackpers arms for awhile?)
Pieces of places

Dear PoP:

No hate. Never hate.

Here’s the thing-

I’ve been out of the game for a while.

I try to read when I can, but until recently (like, exactly a week ago today), I was in school.

So I don’t have any quality recommendations exceptin’ that I love Hydraulic Level 5.

You want to know what to read? Go to the Gazebo, an LJ community where we discuss fic. I’ve gotten a laundry list of shit I wanna read this summer there. Try it.



I have been a part of several fandoms but have never witnessed as much drama with fanfiction as I have with Twilight. Not sure why that is.

-Do you believe there exists, within the Twilight fandom, a big pride/ego issue with fanfiction authors? If so, why?

-Can you give your opinion and interpretation on what constructive criticism is? Many define it as: if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. If by "nice" one means being polite...sure. But some make me think they interpret nice as meaning "positive comments only".

-What are some rules of etiquette readers and authors should follow when it comes to criticism? I think this could benefit everyone in the fandom.

I have my own opinions on these questions but have only really discussed these issues with other readers. Interested in hearing an author's perspective.


Dear Gazeban:

You didn’t read my series on review etiquette. For shame.

Look, to address the ego issue… yes, there are some huuuuge egos up in this here community. I know; I’m one of them. But I like to think of myself as a snarky asshole as opposed to a rude one.

The problem is this- it’s the nature of the fandom.

We are all quite obviously slightly gothic in our sensibilities, and romantics at heart.

Those of us in it for the lulz do not wank or ego about Twilight. But I find a lot of the lulz-artists are much worse assholes most of the time. I mean, ego-driven fic authors might be jerkity all over their author’s notes, but most of them are blissfully unaware how dumb they sound.

So what’s with the drama?

You’d think we’d all be able to remember that this is fanfiction.

Here’s why that’s hard to remember:

We stick our necks out by posting that first time. It’s rough. What is fanfiction but a way to test the waters, to see if people would read our shit.

Kinda like doing community theater. A much watered-down version of Broadway, yes. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not going to find some gems in Buttfuck, Illinois, singing their hearts out while the rest of the world doesn’t notice.

So, you write your little story. Everyone knows (at least in our fandom) that the AH thrives here, so we’re all able to write our original fics and slap the names of the Cullen 6 on ‘em.

Then people start reviewing.

Holy shit, that must mean I’m good!

Ego, ego. Drama drama rama.

I should know, having been the center of a few dramas.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll reiterate this- I hide now, to avoid drama. You never see me posting anything negative on forums anymore, either. Because it comes back to bite you in the ass, every time.

And with the advent of chat box histories and copy/paste… it makes it easier for someone to be all OHMYGOD YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT WTVOC SAID ABOUT YOU and then people get all crazy when all I did was say “I dunno where this story is going, but I’m gonna keep reading.” (Really, is that truly so awful?)

When you’re high-profile in this community, there’s always someone watching, waiting for you to fuck up. You find me an author with over a thousand reviews with no one who wants to “take them down”, and I’ll sell you some beachfront property in Antarctica.

I’ll go ahead and say it. We are all a group of catty bitches when we wanna be.

‘Tis the nature of a group dominated by women in a venue where you don’t see each other face-to-face.

Frak, dude. I could keep going but I won’t. I’m not srs bsns about much anymore. I can’t be. I’ve had too much drama shoveled in my lap in the last year. Still dealing with the fallout from a lot of it, too. So I sit here, invisible in your chatbox, drinking diet coke and trying to pretend to study. I can’t even raise money for charity without someone getting pissed that I made more money than she did, Jesus.

Aww, dammit. That sounded smug. There, see? One little comment like that, and there could be five people reading who bristled, saying “Well, fuck her. So rude.”


oh wise WTVOC,
What do you think of all those 12yr old writers(?) who write lemons?


Dear twelve-year-olds:

Go climb a tree. Learn how to do a back handspring. Beg your mom for a ride to the mall, start exploring the amazing world of the Brontes, watch at least one black and white movie a week, teach a little kid how to make a daisy chain, make your parents breakfast for dinner, educate yourself on the fat content in your fast food burger, decide what you’re going to look like in junior high, teach yourself how to skateboard, discover 70s rock, or do any number of things that don’t require you to act older than you really are.


Dear lady that is bringing on the heartbreak,

I got something to say - It's better to burn out, then fade away.

Will you slang with me? I don't want to get my hands dirty. I just want to get soaking wet.

I see your face every time I clean. It's on every page of every magazine.
When you make love, do you look in the mirror, wtvoc? Who do you think of? Is it me? In the name of love, can you pour some sugar on me? You've got me hot, sticky and sweet, from my head to my feet. I prefer two lumps, just so you know.

Basically what I'm wondering is - what is your favorite Def Leppard song?

Love- your rock n roll clown.

P.S. - I Wanna Touch U til were stuck like glue.

Dear Slor:


Dear Dirty Uncle,

In my junior high there is a boy that I really and he recently started texting me. So far we texted each other 3 different times, about 2 hours each. He told me that I’m hot and cute and he likes to look in my window but when I see him in the halls at school, he always stares at me and then quickly glances away. Sometimes he even licks his lips and I lick mine too, but then he totally walks by me. He’s always the first to send a text, but he won’t talk to me in person! Today I texted him because my bff forced me to, but he didn’t text me back! Help me! What should I do? Should I get over him? HELP!!!

Sincerely, So Sad


Dear Wee Little Boater:


I didn’t know you were eleventeen, dude. Your writing is so sophisticated, for a teenager.

I think you should get over the boy. Anyone embarrassed to be seen with you in public is soooo not worth your time and effort.

I wouldn’t say no to some backseat makeouts, though. We’ve all gotta practice somehow. It’s a nice little revenge for girls to get their kicks from the guy who’s ashamed to be seen with you in public. Err, so I’ve heard.


Dear feed 'n' fucker.

Summit has just announced that they will be turning the Black Dagger Brotherhood into a movie, and they've called on you to cast the movie, but there is a small catch. You can only use the Twilight cast, and Rob CAN'T be Phury.

Who will play whom?


Chief Dilf's woman.

(quick FYI: this is in reference to the oneshot halojones and jfly wrote for my bday. It’s on an LJ. Lemme know if yer innerested.)

Dear Mrs. Chief:

Damned if I don’t. Damned if I do. Gotta git a fix on yoooou.

Oh, sorry.

Hmm, this is a moste excellente question.

First off, if you haven’t read any of the Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward… well, what the fuckity. Git to it.


Fuck. This is tough. Vishous is my favorite brother. And LASSITER. I know he ain’t a brother, but shit. BDB needs moar Lassiter. And PAYNE. I wanna read about Payne.

And if I don’t get a Qhuinn/Blaylock slashy bonefest, I’mma rage in some shape or form.

Okay, let’s get to the casting couch:
-Taylor Lautner as Phury. Why? Because Phury is phail. A total ween. He’s carrying the weight of the Brotherhood in his loins? I don’t give a flying fuck. Phury phails. And so does T.Laut.

-Billy Burke as Wrath. He’d hafta gain a bunch of bulk for it, but I can see his dark intensity rocking the shit out of Beth’s world.

-Jackson Rathbone as Zsadist. Oh God Yes. Someone, please. Please make this happen.

-Kellan Lutz as Qhuinn. He has that whole Is he/Isn’t he? metrosexual vibe thing going. Mmm. Mm Hmm.

-Michael Welch as Blaylock. Mm. Mm Hmm.

-Sam Uley as John Matthew. He strikes me as a strong, silent fellow.

-Matt Bushell as Butch. That’s Phil. He’s big and bulky. “Ladies, I love you both, but we gots ta go.” I know nothing of this Matt, but that’s cool, because I’m not a big Butch fan, either.

-Cam Gigandet as Rhage. Oh God Yes. The cunning linguist himself. Cam is absolutely Rhage.

-Robert Pattinson as Lassiter- go with me on this one. I’m picturing a lanky, defined, not muscle-bound topless Rob with ridiculous hair and boyliner. Oh God, yes. Boyliner. Smudged, a la Johnny Depp. Dirty. Too pale. Indecipherable tattooed script down his back. Wrapped in clinky chains. Barbells through his nipples and god-knows-where else. We wouldn’t even recognize him. He’d chain smoke and be an obnoxious prick. ‘Twould be his breakthrough role.

I want this. Now.

-Peter Facinelli as Vishous. His eyes. He’d pull off the diamond-colored irises thing pretty well, I think. And tattoos? Yes, please. I think he’s the only one who could do the whole too-intelligent-for-my-own-good thing and be all edgy and shit. God, I Love V. Let’s not discuss the whole Doc Jane thing, either.

If you want me to do the female version, that’ll hafta wait until next week. If you re-ask the question, then I’ll do it.



Have you ever heard of the game "Marry, Kill, Screw"?

If so, if you had to choose between Edward, Jasper, and Angel, how would you answer?

If not, it is a relatively easy game that can be fun to play with friends. It is completely hypothetical (duh) and can be done with real people, characters, or a mix of the bunch. One person states three people/characters and the others have to say which one they would marry, which one they would kill, and which one they would screw.

What if you had to choose between Jacob, Newton, and Tyler?

Also, why do they call you uncle?


Dear Misty:

“Dirty Uncle” is a moniker that…. Actually, I have no clue. I reminded someone of their dirty uncle who always had the best crass, nasty jokes… and there ya go.

I assume these are the canon characters, and not their fic or FBI agent counterparts.

Marry: Angel
Kill: Jasper
Screw: Edward

That decision was not reached lightly. Jasper is Kill by default. I wouldn’t wanna fuck canon Jasper because I’d be all scurred that he’d control me while we were either bonin’ or hitched, and I don’t like either alternative.

Marry: Tyler
Kill: Newton
Screw: Jacob

That decision was much easier. See, anyone I marry has to put up with me loving jandco more than they, and Tyler strikes me as not only the easily malleable, but also the type who’d get off on his wife being with another woman. Newton, I don’t really wanna kill, but I’d like to eff the ess outta Jake. Wolfey strength, eight pack? Yes, please. Just because I don’t like him with Bella doesn’t mean I don’t think he isn’t a fine example of the male/wolf species.


Dear dirty uncle

Scenario: You bump in to Rob in California. He is overcome by the hotness of you. He offers to take you out, wine and dine you, and then fuck you silly.

Question: Taking into account all of your real life situation (family, friends, etc) do you say yes, or do you take his pic, run home and remember that moment for the rest of your life?


Dear Lovey:

I’d sock him in the shoulder for his boldness, then I’d use it as a segue way to get him to come hang out at my house where we deep fry turkeys and drink Pacifico. We’d become great friends, and my husband would just have to tolerate it.

As much as I joke about “top five celebs I’d eff” and Rob… I’d never, ever break the sanctity of my marriage. Ever.

Which is why when jandco moves out here, we’re just going to have an “agreement”, my husband and I.


Dear wtvoc,

1.) I know that the Bellie Awards are going to begin again. Are you going to be helping out again? If so, can we please, please have limona's stories eligible? On her profile it says they won't be eligible, but I'm trying to kindly protest.

2.) Would you prefer a shirtless: Rob, Jackson, Kellan, or Peter?

And I love this Q & A every week. And I love your stories even more.


Dearest Sarah:

1. The Bellies do, indeed, start accepting nom nom noms on Monday. Yes, I am co-doing it with limona. No, her stories are not eligible. Neither are mine or jandco’s. Them’s the rules. Thanks for it, though. We have some amazingly silly and awesome categories this go ‘round, and I’d mos.def. nom HiPS for “Fic whose Update I’m dying for”.
2. We got shirtless Rob already, but there’s never enough of it. I’d take Peter, too.


Dear wtvoc,

My friends and I recently found out that 'hard on' was one of the banned words on the fanfiction forums. This instigated the 'Banned Words' competition (that is a rather anti-climactic title, huh...) Anyway, we had to find as many banned words as we could. There were a lot of little stars in our following posts, I have to say.

Anyway, I could think of no more and immediately thought 'wtvoc will be able to help!' So, here I am. Here is a list of the words we found, but I wondered if you could add any more to the list:

1. hard on
2. fuck
3. shit
4. bullshit
5. clit
6. bitch
7. fucker
8. motherfucker
9. Cunt
10. Fucking
11. motherfucking
12. dipshit
13. asswipe
14. asshole
15. cum
16. ass

So, can you help us?


Dear elsa:

You forgot TWAT.

Go ahead and use my shit if you wanna test out the reviews. I think it’d be amusing to get a random spate of COCKSUCKER MOTHERCUNTBASKET reviews.

Just, please. If you’re going to test the waters, do it with someone you know. And tell them what you’re doing. And make sure they’ve got the filter turned on. I’mma go turn mine off before I post this.

Email me at with the banned words you’ve discovered.

Holy shit, this is going to be fantastic. I’ll post the banned words in a week or so.


Jasper Hale Question o’the Week

Dear Ms. Wtvoc,

I assure you my intentions are nothing but honorable. As you noted, my Southern origins carry with them a certain civility that I am lucky has remained moderately intact since the change and my subsequent years of... enthusiastic vampiric existence. As a scholar of the world, I merely enjoy learned discourse on a variety of subjects. Fanfiction is no exception.

My objective had been to keep this missive brief, as a change of pace. I am drawn to these communications with you and making of each what I can, but I am loathe to waste your time. I learned from your last column that you have a demanding schedule. I find it admirable that you accomplish more than most, even though your productivity is naturally limited by a need to sleep.

A note you made last week influences this week’s question – I would ordinarily not be so presumptuous as to ask this. Yet... I find myself curious as to how you might interpret me, were you to write, as you mentioned, a “Jasper fic.” What would be some of the defining characteristics you would choose to highlight? Would you write a Vampire-Jasper or the seemingly popular, but somewhat confusing, Human-Jasper alternative?

Until next time,
Jasper Hale

P.S. Parasite, Ms. Wtvoc? My feelings are bruised.

Dear Mr. Hale:

When did I call you a parasite? If I really did, I apologize. I didn’t mean it.

As for your question… I actually did set out to write a Jasper fic that I summarily scrapped. Not because I didn’t love it, but because I have too much going on as it is. It was all-human, because wtvoc is loathe to tackle the vamp genre. Some of you read it. It was about a grown-up Jasper.

My collab Scotch/Stoli is now a Jasper-centric fic, but I don’t write the Jasper POV. Too daunting a prospect. I think Jasper is a very intriguing character because he’s always second banana. Emmett’s the comedy relief/braun, and Jasper’s the guy who’s always more worldly. How cool is that?

My Jaspers are just that, worldly. Wise beyond their years. Someone whose opinions and values you respect and occasionally follow. Listens to 70s classic rock, drives a muscle car. Never anything flashy, just dependable, loud, and full of power. Not into his own appearance. Treats women like he treats his own mother- golden.

Shall I go on? You’re the gentleman of the bunch, Jasper. That should never change, even in all-human fanfiction.

Love- wtvoc

Soooo don’t forget, you have 3 assignments:

1. Find a boy!fic
2. Find all the banned words on
3. Write me a new question

See what I did there?

wtvoc out.

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. Billy Burke as Wrath...I like it! My question - with or without the stache?

    Kellan...I could see him as Rhev, too.

    Can't wait to see who you peg as Beth!

  2. I am so happy that you are reading HL5, That is the best rec this sight ever gave! (Not that the others are not great)

    I love your BDB character breakdown but I wonder who you would cast the girls as? Or are the female characters in BDB too one dimensional and it really doesn't matter? (Obviously my thought)

  3. Pacifico es mi cerveza favorita. Have you tried Modelo Especial or Montejo? Those are nice too.

    Def Leppard! I love the cover of that single. It's like so trippy, dude. No, really. I like it.

    12yr olds writing lemons ir really sad. I had no idea.

  4. "Marry: Angel
    Kill: Jasper
    Screw: Edward"

    Okay, this is so wrong. Sorry. Angel can't be doin' the sexy times so he's got to die. I suppose one could argue that he could give it up with someone who he wasn't in love with so it wouldn't be a moment of true happiness but, c'mon, dudes are completely happy in that moment. Please.

    Okay, so Angel's dead. What to do with Jasper and Edard. The answer depends on whether their powers work on me. I certainly don't want my husband knowing all my thoughts, whereas it might not be so bad for a shag to know what you're thinking and step up. Also, might not be so bad for your husband to know what you're feeling and know when to back the hell off or that he's effed up without having to ask, "Are you okay?" So based on that, I'm voting for Screw Edward and Marry Jasper.

  5. Have to say this column is definetly my favourite on this blog... and that's saying a lot, I love finding the amazingly talented, obscure fics without trolling through for hours and even learning how to improve my own writing.

    Some may find your snarky ass too controversial but to me it's hilarious. This column has me laughing alot that, so to the outside observer it makes me look like I belong in a pysch ward, and really does cheer me up when I'm having a bad day. Sometimes it even makes my day! I'm glad you're back as well - not that your lady didn't do an awesome job. I love you both.

    As a relative newb to this blog, I only decided to read your review etiquette rules today (I must admit even with an indepth comment I do utter the dreaded "update soon please") and while you had some good points about improving feedback, I don't agree wholly on the update soon please topic.

    So when I say I anxiously await your next article and I "can't wait for more" I'm actually giving you a compliment. While I'm not sitting here demanding you to write more (I do actually read what you write - I know you are very busy, husband, kids, Jandco and gazillion other things) it means I love it and I'm hooked.

    I especially love the Jasper letter of the week. I'm starting to agree with you: is it really him? I like to think so cause it sure as hale sounds like it.

    As for the marry, kill, screw;
    Kill: Angel - by default
    Marry: Edward - cause I wouldn't be happy with just screwin' the guy
    Screw: Jasper - cause he's hot, duh!

    God, that was one long ass review. BTW the review etiquette thing was just my way of inserting my opinion on a old subject that was mentioned which I missed the first time around, not to start yet another epic debate on the subject.

    Loved it! :D


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