Friday, June 12, 2009

Column: The D. Uncle has strong opinions this week

Ahoy, wtvoc-ettes. Guess what? Your dirty uncle has been dealing with a case of plagiarism today! Yessirree Bob, someone has once again tried to pawn off some wtvoc/jandco handiwork as their own.
So here’s today’s PSA:
Do That.
-your dirty uncle

Dearest person who makes me core burn, uhhh I mean Uncle WTVOC,
I've fallen in love with a fan fiction character. I won't tell you which one, but suffice to say, I think I'll be heading to Vatican City for my next holiday.
Can you help me get over this crush?
Naughty Not-Catholic School Girl.

Dear High School Frenemy:

Marie Claire? Is that you?

I’d treat this like any other crush that is unattainable. Let it run its course, and be cognizant of your feelings. Don’t let it get in the way of a real opportunity to get laid make a lasting human connection, though.


Dear Uncle Whore Tramp Vulva Ogre Cunt,

When I was young, I never needed anyone, and making love was just for fun... but those days are gone.

Living alone, I think of all the friends I've known. And yet, when I dial the telephone, nobody's home.

I'm all by myself, and I don't want to be all by myself. Anymore. Hard to be sure, sometimes I feel so insecure, and loves so distant and obscure remains the cure.

Do you think a vibrator will do the trick?

Waiting on baited breath,

The one who is all by herself.

Dear Lonely in Canada-

I am not a tramp.

What I’m getting is that you’re old and in need of a good vibe?
I suggest .

And I assume you’re singing the Ms. Dion version, yes/yes?


Dear Dirty Uncle,

I'd like your take on breast tattoos. I've seen at least two fics that explore the breast tattoo concept (including The List, in which Bella has Edward's signature tattoed on one of her breasts). While it always seems to be a turn-on to the fictional Edwards, I've run across men who express an opposing opinion and feel that it "doesn't look right." And yes, that includes the opinion of a tattoed man.
Certainly there are cultural and religious views both for and against tattoos located on the breast, so let's leave that out of the equation and stick to psychology and asthetics. Is a boob tattoo (sometimes called a tit tat by 12-year-old boys) more desireable when found on a larger breast, or a smaller one? Is it ever intimidating? Are there any specific tattoos that no man would want to see on a breast, ever? How much surface area of the breast can be inked before it becomes "too much" and is no longer sexy?


Melon Mama

Dear Gonzaga Enthusiast:

Ooh, tatts. The jeans of the 21st century, really. Used to be a no-no, slowly gaining acceptance in “polite” society as long as it’s tasteful and not in-yo’-face.
Not in yo’ face.

The thing about tatts is that we’ve all, even those who aren’t tattoo people, seen ones that are pretty and you just go “ooh”. Even if it’s not for you, you can admit to the artistry involved, the body part selection, color arrangement, etc.

Now, this is strictly opinion: To me, the Tit Tatt mos.def. falls in the “in yo face” category, for one of two reasons:

1. Tattoos are often done and meant to be seen by others
2. A good set of tits are universally admired

So, if you ask me, you got a tit tatt (I am sooo loving that term) so people (or person) would see it.

As with most things, there will always be exceptions to this. I’m speaking generalizations.

I have admired tattoos as art, and I’ve seen documentaries on them. To me, a bodily part tattoo incorporates the shape and line of the part it’s on, using the body’s natural curves and lines into the actual art. Women who get f-holes (that is NOT a euphemism, go googling) on their back and take pics exemplify this idea perfectly. I love those tattoos.

In my experience, the boob tatts I see are signatures, names of guys, bar codes, paws, hearts, spades, diamonds, horseshoes, etc. While tattoos don’t bother me, I think the cleavage is one of the last places I’d get one. I do not have any tattoos; I might get one after I graduate as a gift to myself (and I’m waiting because tattoos are not looked upon favorably at my school). But- and this is my personal thing and not a judgment call- I think tatts on the breast are odd. I would regret getting one there. And jsyk- any man’s name on a breast or ass (or, God forbid, the vadge) is a brand, I don’t care what anyone says. It’s also inviting a break-up, but that’s another topic entirely.

Not for me, but thanks. A tattoo on the breast is definitely for the brave of heart, and it’s certainly not anything to judge harshly by. I always admire anyone who proudly displays their art on their body, whether I like the actual art or not.


Dear Dirtiest of Uncles

What are some steps to avoiding fandom wank, and how does one deal with fandom wank when said wankery occurs?

It baffles me how insane the fandom goes.


Dear Grey One:

Oh, that one’s easy. Don’t take yourself too seriously. And don’t be an asshole.

When it occurs, do your best to ignore.

Easy in theory, tough in execution. I’ve participated in wank in my “early” fandom days. I regret it deeply. Oh, to have known then what I know now.

If the person’s new, forgive a little. And by new, I mean either a)under 22 b) in fandom less than say, five months.

If it’s you, just try to remember that this is fanfiction, and that you’d don’t really know Edward Cullen.


The beginning of this letter is hella ridic and hella hilar. Also hella tl;dr. If you would like a treatise on how hot the Shamwow! Guy is, write, and I’ll send it to you.

Dear wondrous uncle wtvoc

Now here is what we are curious about... How would we go about spreading word of this movement, and recruit minions--I mean fellow soldiers--to our cause? Make a petition? Send out virtual flyers? Hold a contest asking authors to mention a love of the sexily skanky Vince Offer somewhere in their stories? What would you, O Great One, recommend to satisfy the immature urges of two giggly women?
A secondary question: IS utter ridiculous still an entertainment and art form, or is it merely shunned by those with no sense of humor?


MuffNbutter/Lemon Muffins

Dear Butterer of my Muffin:

I assume you guys want to know some good recruiting tips, because I’ve noticed a lot of people ask me how to get the word out about stuff. I’m pretty good at it, I guess.

What do I do? I hit up the few people I know (it works best if it’s a big name author, since they can get word out to a lot of people), make mention of it in the few places I frequent, and hope for the best.

In my case, I’m lucky because people check stuff out when I ask.

For those who don’t have my “connections”, you can still try asking some big name people to do it for you. I know I’m not the only author out there who mentions one thing in an update and that website gets mega hits within the next 24 hours.
Utter ridiculous will always be on the fringe of polite entertainment society, but it’s also required. Hence the continuing popularity of Monty Python, Arrested Development, reruns of Benny Hill on late night, and skinny jeans.


How do I pimp out my fic without feeling too whore-ish?


Dear Rotten Fruit:

^^Term of endearment, not judgment call.

In short: you don’t.

I’d check with the above answer, really. Same advice applies. Not the skinny pants bit, but the part about asking a few people to mention it for you.

Now, keep one thing in mind- your dirty uncle has said this before, but it bears repeating- the really super huge named authors will most likely not honor your request unless you know them more intimately. I still get requests to “please read my fic and tell me what you think”, and while I wish I could- I have to say “no” to everyone. But I won’t lie- I do it for those I love who have been with me since my younger, cleaner-minded uncle days.

A new person to posting fic? You just have to bite the bullet. There’s so much twific out there that to throw yourself out and hope for the best is a craps shoot at best.

Get on a forum. Put it out there. livejournal. Twilighted. There’s lots of new ones out there, too, just google “twilight fanfiction”.
Plenty of people do it. It’s a daunting thing at first, but once people respond, you will get more confident and hopefully not feel whore-y.

Good luck.



I am working on a story entitled "Eros" which is my first serious attempt at Twilight fanfiction. Although I am not a new writer (nor new to fanfiction - I hail from the HP fandom), I find the sheer amount of popular Twilight fics and writers intimidating. I have a good feeling about this story and I've been working very hard to knock out a good chunk of chapters before starting to post. My question is: what are some ways to get some interest in an upcoming fic? How or where can I advertise my fic before posting the first chapter? I have a banner in my Twilighted sig with a declaration of "coming soon", but what more can I do? I have several people betaing - each with different intention (characterization, plot, grammar, general read through, etc.) in an attempt to get as much exposure as possible. Help me with some Networking 101 tips!

Many thanks & hugs & humps (wait, what?),

- Networking Newbie

Dear Newt:

I feel like all of these questions are interrelated, but lemme add to this one here.

I am not going to lie- unless you’re like the incomparable ElleCC ( ElleCC)- if you’re unknown, it’ll be tough at first. Advertise, make friends. ElleCC (doya mind the exposure, love? Didn’t think so) just started posting her first multi-chapter, and it’s getting good buzz. She’s also friendly with many big name authors, and has been for a while. We don’t mind supporting a good friend/reader/reviewer when they ask for it.

Just don’t be discouraged if you don’t experience immediate success. And for those of us that did get it- it’s not easy to deal with, anyway.


I feel like I got all srs bsns. Let’s bring some levity up in this here blog.

Dear Uncle Funnypants,

In a Twilight/fandom crossover/parallel universe, you must romantically pair your fandom friends with the following characters. RL sexual orientation matters not. Feel free to include yourself in any pairing, but no repeats. Add your own, if you like, I didn't want to make the list too long (that includes fic versions!) =) Bring on the LOLz:


I'm thinking the book versions, but if you feel the need to select the movie version instead, please specify. Or do both.

Much love,


Dear Sweetling:

Oh, you. I’m going with strict canon (this means s.meyer book versions, people).

Esme: jenndaylightnumbers, because she could use the calming influence of an Esme. And someone to make her sammiches.

Carlisle: ninapolitan, because I love her too much to not let her have him.

Rosalie: withthevampsofcourse, because bitch is fierce (which bitch, one wonders?).

Emmett: jandco, because whatever jandco wants, jandco gets.

Alice: emibella, because she’s hippie enough to be into a lesbian relaysh. Also, the two are polar opposites and I’d like to watch the sparks and claws fly.

Jasper: ElleCC, because she loves Jasper more than scotch or gin or fedoras or or or or even I love rob.

Bella: … I can’t think of anyone I’d want to saddle Bella with.

Edward: bittenev, because she’s beautiful and he’s beautiful and their little uterus-bustin’ BBs would be beautiful.

Jacob: smellyia, because Brown asked for him, and I love my Brown. She wants it clear that this is a post-BD Jacob.

Charlie: sensecoalition, because she’d cut me if I didn’t.

Seth: jennyfly, because she needs a hot young stud to do sweet shit for her.


Dear Moe Lester,

My boyfriend wants to have unprotected sex.

He claims that he's a vampire, like Eddiepuss, so therefore, I can't get pregnant.
Should I let him stick it in?

Yours, sexually,

Janet Reno

Dammit, Janet:

Always use a condom when the source is questionable. I’d say a dude proclaiming hisself to be a vampire is as sketchy as it gets. Suit up before you get down.


Dirty Uncle WTVOC,

Many stories in the fandom write stories featuring a Bella that is different than the Bella that existed in the original novels. Authors give her more spunk, more pizazz and often times, more courage to really tell Edward what's up. If you were forced to replace Bella with any other female literary character ever written, who would you replace her with and why?

Faithful reader,


Dear the Jmeyer:

Belle. From Beauty and the Beast. The two are similar, and I don’t mean by name.

Belle is more spunky than Bella, but still the beautiful book reader that Edward would fall in love with. Also, Belle is totally equipped to deal with her man being less than human, and she still just does not give a shit. She’s everything a Disney Princess ought to be- smart, willing to defend what she thinks is not only right but hers- and she looks fabulous when she’s making her point or kicking Gaston/Victoria’s ass.

Plus, I suspect Book!Bella can’t sing for shit. Take that, Swan.


Dear American person wtvoc.

You do you American people insist on spelling everything wrong? Colour obviously has a U in it, why do you use so many Z's??

Oh and can you explain the whole high school thing? What the Hale is a freshman? Senior? I think you get the idea. Not my language and I don't understand it!
By the way, I have no issue with 'Merican people or anything, so you know, no offence or anything.

English person :)

Dear Imperialist:

Jst becase yor contry reqires the letter “u” in everything, doesn’t mean we Americans will do it. In fact, most Americans I know are defensive abot the harassment of British people, and will perform stbborn acts jst to make a point. I will never type the word “color” with a “u”, nor will I prononce it “shed-jdyl” or “viht-ah-min”.

As for “realize” and its brethren, we Americans do not like to ignore the overlooked poplations, and the letter “z” is most definitely overlooked. We are inclsionary, unlike you Brits who are qite obviosly anti-American, anti-Orthodontist, and anti-William Wallace.

As for high schools… American high schools are for-year instittions, beginning with the ninth grade and going through twelfth. Like many for-year colleges, each year corresponds with a title- incoming ninth-graders are dubbed “freshmen”, tenth-graders “sophomores”, eleventh-graders “jniors”, and twelfth-graders “seniors”. In general, there are certain milestones hit by virtue of being a freshman or a senior. It’s one of those things that nless yo’ve gone through it, it might be hard to nderstand.

I can attempt to explain, but I don’t have the word cont to do so. Perhaps another day?


Jasper Hale Question O’the Week

And allow me to reiterate that I have no idea who is writing these questions, but I love them anyway.

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I am pleased with your continued reception to our correspondence. I have, of late, lamented the lost epistolary arts in this modern age of text messaging and Twitter. Your responses to my inquiries have been most gratifying.

There has been quite a spate of stories over the past few months involving all-human characters in Dominant/submissive sexual lifestyles. I remain intrigued – if not a little perplexed – by the human incarnations of my vampire family members and myself. However, noting that most stories seem to cast either Edward or me in the "Dominant" role and Bella in the "submissive" role, I surmise that the D/s theme is meant to be an allegory for the natural physical dominance of vampires over humans and a relatively safe way to explore the seductive nature thereof. Perhaps you have other theories?

As always, I look forward to your response.

Until next time,

Jasper Hale

P.S. Thank you for your "gentleman" compliment. It is nice to know that my conduct is appreciated, despite the understandable attention garnered by my brother's ardent, if chaste, behavior.

Dear Mr. Hale,

You can bet your southern breeding I have other theories. You’re too nice.

The reason for the spate of d/s stories is that we, as a fandom, are a bunch of dirty birdies.

It’s true.

I also think the reader’s seemingly endless appetite for the smut, as evidenced by their voracious reviews demanding MOAR SEXX PLZ, makes authors think they need to ramp up the sex.

And I will go ahead and say this right now:

I am over it. I was never big on it in the first place, but I say do what you want. Just because I don’t care to read it, doesn’t mean others feel the same way. That’s just my choice. If you want to write/read about sex you’ve never had and write it like you think others want to read it, go on ahead.

This is not to say there aren’t well-researched more-than-vanilla sexx stories out there.

What I want to really address is the more serious and disturbing aspect of the call to make your Edwards, Bellas, and Jaspers sexual deviants:

New authors cannot catch a break.

How can a brand new author who doesn’t have insta-10k+ reviews compete?

Those who write lovely stories that have some sex and mild cursing do not stand a chance against the juggernaut sexual deviant stories that have pounded (if you’ll pardon the pun) the fandom lately.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the deviant stories. In fact, if you’re bristling at my word choice, I urge you to look it up. True sexual deviance is that which is not the norm. I do not, at all, mean to call those who perform the acts to which I refer as degenerates or weirdoes or any other synonym of that ilk. Not at all. I simply mean it in the sense that putting things in Edward’s anus or using whips or whatever else does not classify as “the norm”.

But with the call for dirtier, lewder, more risqué, more plugs, more toys, more paddles, more chains, more more more more… it’s hard for those of us who don’t write that way to feel like our vanilla sex is adequate. Worse… the newbies who’ve never written a sex scene before just might feel pressured to write that way to compete, to get noticed. To get reviewed.

Don’t look at me like that. No one posts fanfiction with the hopes they remain anonymous.

I think it’s a “well-known” but little publicized fact that right now in our fandom, the stories with the more “shocking” storylines (sexually or otherwise) are the ones that get the big review numbers. My and jandco’s shit is pretty unorthodox, even if we don’t write “deviant” sex.

Of course I’m generalizing here. But I think you know what I mean.

So, to keep it simple… new authors probably feel the increasing pressure to make their stuff shocking. Dirty. Depraved, even. I’m an old fogey, and I feel mucho pressure every time I have to write some sexytimes. I can’t imagine what it must be like for people who haven’t done it before. It ain’t easy. In fact… it’s exhausting.

I think the tide is turning, though. I can feel it in m’bones. I feel a shift in the smut tide; I just have no idea what the tide is going to wash up next.

Initially, though, I agree with your assessment. The first few stories that explored the darker nature of the seduction of vampires did that nicely. And the all-humans that followed in the wake saw how well they did… and took it farther. And farther.

Now it’s as far as it goes. Again, I’m not judging the fics. Not at all. I like some of ‘em. But anyone who’s been in this fandom for a “while” has surely noticed what I’m talking about.

Ask me about which fics I’m referring to sometime over dinner. I’ll order a steak, you go catch it for us.


I’m tired. Hit me up for stuff. . Also… there was only one boy that y’all came up with. And y’all (there were many) came up with the exact same guy… and I’m not mentioning him. He is closely associated with someone who hates my guts, and I don’t want to bring undue drama to this here blog. Thanks for the recs, though.

For those of you who sent me the emails containing banned words… lists would be preferable. I can’t tell which words were banned, silly mongooses.

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's comic relief. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. Carlisle: ninapolitan, because I love her too much to not let her have him.

    I appreciate this like you can't imagine. It also leads to a question of my very own for next week's dwtvoc.

    And I hope you and Rosalie are happy together, get it on video please

  2. WITVOCK - I'll NEVER forgive you. You were supposed to put ME with Jake!!! Now, I have to fight Mels (who should have been put with L-E-A-H in m'opinion in the first place).

    *Throws down gauntlet.*
    *Stomps a lot.*


  3. Now I can go take care of Jasper-bb, who's still recovering from your little "kill" decision last week - he was sad :( Particularly after the letters! But Elle's gonna make it aaaaaall better. You've put him in the right hands.

    And hey, if he wants to wreak havoc on my emotions during sexytimes? Well, the man has 150 years of experience... so, yeah... Imma deal with it and whatnot.

    Lemme know if you need us to come visit you and Rose to calm one or the both of you down... we'll be on standby.

  4. pastiche...pastiche....

    *looks at nails*

    oh my dear....

    *purses lips like a good Brown*

    Didn't mammy tell you about stomping about? It's hell on heels.

    Imma take Jacob and Leah, Blackwater style. There's yer gauntlet.

    Excellent decision making there Brown Uncle. Excellent.

  5. No. No. No.

    First of all. Ms. Greedy skortsuit, u can keep yer one-time jake + leah combo, cuz that's jest too many people. 1. i like things fast paced and with 3somes theres either boring coordination or just eel suckage whenever there's a free spot. no no. 2. i get jealous. i am self-aware and thus i know m'limiations. no sammiches for moi.

    Second, u villanize jakey in yer story. so no no. u have to play nice to get the spice. this is how i see it--and i gotta good eye. ;-)

    we'll have to mete this out later--and never forget--i'm SCRAPPY.

  6. DUDE. Did you check that They have the "world's first 100% green sex toy - The Earth Angel" you have to give it a crank for 8 minutes and it's made of 100% recycled materials. Not kidding. heh.

    More importantly...


    and it's the first time I'll ever be bigger than anyone in any relationship, ever, because she is smaller than even me. Awesome.
    I would have her recycle her clothes into sails to harness the earth's invaluable wind resources. It would be functional and pretty.

  7. Hey. in Dis Jakers is homo. that's not villainy!

    and there was no leah/jake/amelia threebies. i'm just takin' both dammit. leavin' you with that whiney bitch alec ... or maybe that asshat sam (the fake alpha). yes...those are good. you can have them.

    tough titty little bitty. keep dreamin' on the jakers bc it's my name up there for posterity.

  8. dang it. i already murdered you in my fic--so i can't threaten that this round.

    and dude... making Jake gay is a cop-out. No. No. No. I still win.

    I do really need to write a Jake POV at some point... I do.

  9. wtvoc, this is so funny. I am glad I found this site through your ffn page. You are such an entertaining writer. Not only that, I actually learn something when reading it. The AG003 thing on photoshop is excellent as well as are the writing segments, what a terrific site!!

    As for the tiff on Jacob above, maybe wtvoc should pick who SHE thinks fits with Jacob; especially since it looks like Smellyia asked to be put with him, not that wtvoc picked it? I wonder what her choice would have been without being lobbied?

    Besides that, it's fun learning about your different personalities outside of the writing. I will frequent this site!

  10. WHOOOOAAAA. Lets clear the air here! First off - I "lobby" no one to put my name to anything. Ever.

    To be precise, wtvoc popped into my box randomly - as she is wont and always welcome to do - and asked me who I'd pick without ever telling me what it was for.

    And there is no real tiff - pastiche and i happen to know each other quite well and can joke like that.

    This is all said with a laugh btw.

  11. oh and just in case the memo hasnt reached all of fandom yet - wtvoc only does what she wants.

    pastiche please write this Jake POV. it will make you feel better and you can lump it in with the romanians you owe me.

  12. Smelleria,

    Steph and Vlad are all fail right now. they're too fucking similar in BD and i need to think about how to differentiate. this may take time.

    And see, I have no qualms about lobbying... (i live in the mutherfeckin' capitol, afterallz) however, wtvoc dudnt luvr me no more.

    That is wat dis is.

    (And yeah, I know Smells that you said it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote these messages, but I do swear to god that I will be completely sober for the next half hour. After that--I promise NOTHING.)

  13. Dude. I know ALLLLL about yer Friday nights. ll about em - those after work play dates. Please come on drunk later. Please.

  14. i have been gone all day, and this is what i come home to. tsk.

    smellyia's right- i do what i want.

    and if i had known of shannon's propensity to pick the jake, i would've had you guys in a no-holds-barred jello fight-slash-death match.

    green jello, of course.

    i just realized i forgot to cast the females of the BDB film, FML. someone remind me for next week.

  15. i also want mike newton. js.

  16. Wow. Yeah, Smellyia, I don't know you from Adam but there is no reason to get all angry with the newbie. She said you asked, I said you asked. You seemed to be having a friendly tiff, I thought I would comment. Sheesh. If I would have known you'd be all "I lobby no one to get my name---" I would not have said anything. I wouldn't even have commented on the website. I thought would be welcoming to new people,especially with your name on this. But whatever, I'll just find a new, less hostile place to read about twilight fanfic. Or keep all of my thoughts to myself. thnx for the attitude. At least everyone else seems nice enough.

  17. Whoa! Did you not see the last line: "This is all said with a laugh btw."

    It was a joke. No need to get all offended and insulting. We joke like that on here a lot. I added that last line knowing you were new to the site. I'll be more careful not to be snarky with folk who dun know us in the future. No offense was meant - really.

  18. ok a few questions...

    1. why green jello?

    (it dont look good with my skin tone - i'm a WINTER - and I thinks Smells is too)

    i prefer grape, honestly.

    2. can we make these jello shots? i dont care so much about wrestling with another girl if there's alcohol involved.

    3. make sure that you take away smellyia's scalpel before anything ensues--and she can have a syringe--but it had to be needless. She can use it to make jello bubbles or whatever.

    oh god i sound insane, but we really did talk about this for a good 3023409 emails/chats/date exchange thingies. the thing is, mels is far too agile with scalpel.

    *pastiche shivers*

  19. it's a combination of brown and nurse. i'm quite adept with needles in veins m'self.

    it has to be green because it isn't girl-on-girl jello wrestling without it. i didn't make up the rules. sorry.

    i'm not opposed to feeding you jello shots because i make really tasty ones with blue raspberry jello and blue curacao. and watermelon, when you can find watermelon jello. not every target sells it.

  20. I'm all giggles now.

    BTW, I totes would have picked Rosalie for myself, too. I've always felt like she and I would make fierce BFFs. And if I had to go lez, who better than the most beautiful woman in the world, right?

    PS - Please post recipe for said blue raspberry/blue curacao jello shots. They sound delish!

  21. "We are inclsionary, unlike you Brits who are quite obviosly Anti-American, Anti-Orthodontist, and Anti-William Wallace."

    Oh. My. Jeebus. That was THE best line ever. I laughed until I cried while reading that particular answer.


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