Friday, August 14, 2009

i'm back, jack

Yes, I took a day off last week. Thank you for those who wanted to know where the fuck I was; it’s a lovely sentiment, and I took it to mean that you can’t possibly party hearty on the weekend without my insanely clever and witty hilarity on your Fridays. Thank you, really. It means a lot.

Anyone notice my lady and I started a new fic this week? That’s right, I have actually been doing something. It’s the auction!fic for Support Stacie; and yes, to bring it up once again- it was the auction-high $2700 story, won by wolvesnvamps.

She hasn’t read it yet, she’s reading it as we update. Apparently, we gave her a brush with myocardial infarction by posting without warning. I told her to go see a cardiologist, but whatever.

On with the show! Beware: I’m overtired and very anxious as I write this; there’s happenings going on in this here fandom, kiddies; your Dirty Uncle may or may not have information. And yes, I’ll answer your questions about it.

Dirty Uncle,

I've read stories where there's huge grammatical errors (such as a constant misuse of certain words like effect/affect, there/their/they're, etc.). If it were just once or twice sporadically my OCD would probably let it slide. But I can't seem to bypass those errors (a problem I definitely need help with, but I like to think other readers have similar compulsions).

As someone who loves to improve on writing, I enjoy when people give me critiques telling me that I'm doing something wrong. Even though I can take it, I have a hard time dishing it out. My question is how to appropriately give the author advice on how to improve their writing without sounding bitchy? Generally, if I take the time to review something like that, it's saying, 'hey, I enjoy your story so much that I want you to improve so I can continue reading happily.' Any things I should avoid saying? I hate provoking unnecessary drama.


Avoiding Drama

Dear No Llama:

The most important thing to remember is to keep it to a PM.

Doing it in a review for all to see is just rude. I cannot stress this enough.

The best way to do it is to say that you like the story, but you noticed there were a few small errors. You’d really like her to be all she can be, and it’s not a criticism, simply something you noticed. List the errors. Do not comment on them at all. Just “’He excepted my lips on his hard cock’ should be changed to ‘He accepted my lips…’, and leave it at that. Any commentary on the mistakes, even jokingly, could be construed as condescending.

My lady once made the mistake of referring to Jasper listening to Kenny Loggins when it was, in fact, Kenny Rogers who sings “The Gambler”. I didn’t even notice it when I edited.

Every once in a while, someone PMs (or reviews) with “Just noticed it’s ‘Rogers’, should be ‘Loggins’, FYI” or something like that. Doesn’t offend me because they don’t say “Oh my God, how could you not know the difference? Lol”. See the difference? It’s slight, but it’s there.

Now for the caveat of correcting people:

Not everyone wants to improve. Plenty of people out there see anything that isn’t a gushing review (maybe there’s too much smut in this fandom, but Andrew (the 14-year-old in my head) is snickering at the word “gushing”) as a “flame” or a personal attack. So be prepared for rude responses if you’re going to do it.

Either way, I wish you luck on your endeavors to clean up the poorly-beta-ed fanfic of the world.


Dear guru of all things fandom -

I have finally relented trying to ever doing this all on my own and have come to ask for your guidance. You see, I am not new to the fandom. In fact, I am quite old. I picked up my once-first-edition-and-now-ducked-taped-together copy of Twilight in winter of 2005, a month or two after its publication. I started online about a year later, and read/wrote my first fanfic nearly three years ago, way before vampires were turned into smurfs when captured on film or mutant babies burst their way out of Bella's horny womb.

The problem, however, lies in my age at the time. I was a young fifteen when I joined the fandom, and although I proudly maintain that I was never a typical teen fangirl (ie: one who would jump RPattz on the streets of NYC in a screaming mob), I was very naive. Now, after reaching an age where I can step out of my lurkerdom and play with the big girls, I am lost at how to break out of my shell. Three years of silently writing and posting fic and reading through every spam post while only commenting twice has left me clueless. I wish to aquire your advice on how to meet and befriend the mighty women of the forums, and how to become... well, less of the lurker I have been. Is there hope, wtvoc?

thanks ever so much,

finally grown up

Dear About Time:

Yes, there’s hope.

Boy, is there hope.

There are so many communities of fanfiction-lovers out there, lady. LiveJournal is a great place to start; if you googled “livejournal community twilight fanfiction”, you’d probably… wait. brb googling. I’mma put my money where my mouth is.
Oh, yeah. There are tons.

The thing is this: you just need to post.

Do you need to say brilliant stuff? Nah. Not everyone has the ability to be quippy and clever with the posts. I’d say the number one thing when jumping into a forum is to say “Hi, coming out of lurkerdom to say that I love this story and I just can’t get enough of it”, etc. Most people in ff communities are very accommodating and welcoming of the Noobs.

Really, there’s nothing to be scared of. No one responds? Keep going. There’s a community out there for you, I promise.

And I keep saying this and only a few of you ever respond to it, but if you have trouble finding a place, I’ll show you around some of mine. Again, all you have to do is jump in and talk. Someone’s bound to listen.



Why do so many fics feature the Cullen boys in a band? I don't think that SMeyer has even the slightest mention of this in the books. Is it because of Edward's piano playing, and his lullaby for Bella? What do you think of all the Bandfics out there?

and secondly, why do author's describe Bella's hands as little, or small? I cringe everytime I read about Bella's little hand or little tongue and what it does to Edward.

Thanks for such informative entertainment!

Dear Jeweler:

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It’s because of the piano thing. That, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that musicians are hot.

As for Bella’s little hands… just no. If this were a fandom of dude writers, I’d understand it; as my husband once charmingly put it, “anything to make my dick look bigger”.


Dear Dirty Uncle,

I feel dirty just typing that, jsyk. I get the visual of a fat old sweaty man wearing a wife beater, several gold chains and track pants sitting in a lay-z-boy, a Rainer in one hand, remote in the other, stacks of Hustler and Penthouse to the left and the racing form to the right. Not a good visual to have in ones head, but that is not the purpose of this email.

The purpose of this email is to ask about 'The Wank'. Now when there is 'Wank' isn't it supposed to feel good and get one to 'completion' and give a post-coital glow leaving one satisfied and ready to curl up into a deep sleep? Well, the 'Wank' that has been going on in the TwiFicFandom lately hasn't gotten me and many others to that post-coital glowy place. It's left me chaffing and very, very unsatisfied and frustrated wanting to simply become celibate and forget the 'Wank' and the supposed mythical pleasure it's supposed to bring and the fandom forever.

Now my questions; Is there any cure for The TwiFicdom Wank? Isn't there any way to make the Wank not chaff? Is there a way to get rid of this awful and uncomfortable Wank and replace it with a pleasurable and fulfilling Wank? Would it help if one switched Wank partners? Please tell me there is, because lube doesn't seem to be helping any.


Forever Frustrated and Friction Burned

Dear Wanking the Right Way:

First off, I heartily approve of every visual of me you supplied. In fact, it’s the exact thing I envision for my retirement, with jandco at my side, of course. And make it MGD instead of Vitamin R. Other than that, you’ve got yourself a dirty uncle. Well, okay; I hate yellow gold, but I’d do Madonna Chains. And racing forms? Probs not, but I’d do the Super Lotto.

As for wank…

me: sigh

i think a lot of people don't get what wank is, really

jandco: to masturbate someone

you can let everyone know i clarified that

Well, there it is. And the Wank is a phenomenon I’m pretty much over at this point. Yeah, you think you’re great. Good. Someone should. Stop telling us, though. It makes you look like a jerk.

I don’t think there’s a cure for it. You get a big head when there’s complete strangers telling you via review how great you are. And… you start to believe it. I know, I did some self-wank in my days as a young, naïve Dirty Uncle. But I learned quickly. And I never took it to the heights it’s reached more recently.

What is this wank you speak of, Dirty Uncle? Who’s doing it?

I’m not saying any names. That would be uncouth of me. *buuuuuuuuuurp*



Here's what we are wondering about the Twifandom: why is it that so many eleven (ten, nine, whatever) year olds that have only watched the movie and know nothing about writing, grammar, the BOOK they are BASING this on, etc, etc, try to write fanfic?

Also, why the hell do the smileys on Skype move? It's annoying as shit.
Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer!
Dancer, Dreamer, and... Marie. :)

Dear Deedee Emm:

I actually noticed yesterday when posting a new story that you have to differentiate between Movie and Book Twilight when posting. Go fig.

See, I think there’s a difference. For example, if I decided to do True Blood fic, I’d write based off the show and not the books.

But to answer the other part of that, there are a LOT of eleventeen-year-olds in the fandom. They have as much right to be here as we do, they’re just… younger. Make less sense. Haven’t had enough life experience to write something meaty. Have profiles that are longer than some fics I’ve read.

I shall quote the greatest piece of advice to give on anything internet-related: if you don’t like it, simply close the tab down and read something else. Begrudged, for example. Heh heh

Okay, and Skype smileys are irritating except for the emo boy one who swipes his hair out of his eyes. That one’s amazing.


Dirty Uncle,

There are so many reincarnations of Edward. Which is your favorite and why? Also, if this whateverward made Bella a mix tape (okay, I guess now-a-days a CD), what songs do you think would be on it and why?

Sorry you couldn't make it to Comic Con...did you have a chance to see the NM clips online? What did you think?


Dear Resident of Chincoteague:

Hmm. A great question.

The sad answer is that I haven’t read much fic lately, but I’m intrigued by many of them. My favorite character in fanfictionland isn’t Edward, though.

As for mix tapes… well, I suppose I’d have to pick an Edward, and so much thought goes into the mix tape. Stage of relaysh, whether it’s for love or fucking or whatever. There’s be no U2, no Smiths, and no pop unless it was to be funny or ironic. There’d probably be some Arcade Fire on there, bonus points for Grizzly Bear and the Pogues.

Thanks about Comicon. Luckily for me, Jennyfly brought me back some pretty sweet swag, so I’m all set. The clips? Well, New Moon ain’t my favorite of the books, so I shall reserve judgment for the actual film.


Dearest Dirty Uncle of mine,

I watched the twilight movie, I cringed through kstew's awkward voice over, I drooled over Rob, I had the experience, and I wasn't completely disappointed. At least until we met Alice. She was weird. In the house scene, with the tree, and the awkward-ness. yeah, that part. That part really bothered me.

So I guess my question to you would be, what annoyed you the most in the movie?


Dear Hooter:

Needed more Jasper looking less tragic.


dear favorite uncle,

I seem to be in a rambling mood, so I'm afraid this will be one of those emails where my word vomit acts up. I believe I've told you before, but I very much enjoy your snark and attitude towards this column, because even when you say you sound like a total bitch (which you don't sound like one to me), I enjoy it. Maybe it's because I happen to be the same way. I don't intend this to sound like I'm sucking up to you, although, it seems to me like it just might sound like it after all.

I'm not sure how I feel about admitting this, but I think I'll share anyway. I look forward to Fridays, not only because its the end of the week and beginning of the weekend, but mostly because of this column. Even on my worst days, it makes me laugh, or at least manages to make me smile. I wake up most Fridays and, if I have time, the first thing I do is check to see if you've updated. I rack my brain most weeks in order to come up with a unique question that can be both funny, yet serious, but I think I mostly just fall short on the funny.. and serious.

So, I guess the point of this is to thank you for taking the time to do this. I know you're a very busy lady (I still don't understand how you juggle so many things, I don't even try to anymore) yet every week you take the time to entertain our silly questions. I feel as if I've done this before.. oh wait, I have. hehe I'm sure you think it's silly of me to do this, but sometimes I feel as if you're underappreciated when it comes to this. (feel free to tell me to stfu and stop saying such ridiculous crap, since I don't know whether you are or not) but I was brought up to always be thankful for what I have, and as fucking ridonkulous as this sounds, I'm thankful to be able to read this every week, because as stated before, you crack me the fuck up.

Feel free to post this, or not, I don't really care, although I guess I do, which is why I won't state my actual name since I'm known around the thread by about 3 people, and well, it seems silly to me that I'm doing this, yet here I am anyway. It only matters that you know who wrote this, and well, I believe I send you questions often enough for you to recognize me, and also, because my name isn't a very popular one..

Your not so secret admirer,

P.S. (this can in fact be shared with your readers)

Your disclaimer at the bottom often says that you are a fan of baking.

What is your favorite thing to bake? Care to share the recipe?

Dear Gorgeous Person:


Thank you, seriously. From the bottom of my cold, dead heart.

I recently sent tbynumbers my recipe for peanut butter whiskey cookies (OR IN SOME OFFICES PEANUT BUTTER WHISKEY BOOBS). I don’t really measure, I just sprinkle and toss, but here’s the exact recipe I sent tbynumbers:

okay, first thing to know is that i don't ever follow recipes and i basically doctor the first time i try anything. i know, i know; wtvoc doesn't color in the lines, either.

a lot of these measurements are estimations, but i'm told they translate pretty well.

peanut buttercup whiskey cookies

you'll need:

1 3/4 cup flour

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 cup butter NOT MARGARINE OMG at room temp

1/2 cup white granulated sugar

1 cup loosely packed brown sugar. the lighter one is better.

~1/2 cup of creamy peanut butter

note: i basically stick my spoonula in the jar and scoop. sometimes it's that much, sometimes it's a lot more. the dough is more.... dense with more peanut butter.

1 egg, slightly beaten (also at room temp)

1 tsp. vanilla (if you can get real vanilla and not imitation, it's sooooo much tastier)

2 tbs. milk

~2 tsp. whiskey (i usually use JD or gentleman's jack; today it was single barrel and the cookies taste really lovely and sweet, but that shit's like 40 bucks a bottle) (also, i just pour. depending on whether i'm also drinking the whiskey, this could mean a lot)

48 reese's miniature peanut butter cups, devoid of wrapping (i recommend freezing them; this way you can unwrap and sit 'em on a paper plate on yer counter and not worry about melting)

1. preheat oven to 375; line a mini muffin tin with paper wrappers. seriously, don't make these without the wrappers. you could have a gooey chocolate mess. err, unless you prefer that?

2. combine flour, salt, soda in a large bowl; sift if you must (i never do, i don't get why people do. i taste no difference nor discern any texture difference).

3. cream together butter, white sugar, brown sugar, peanut butter until fluffy. add egg, vanilla, milk, whiskey; mix well.

4. fold into dry ingredients, basically mixing until no white shows. don't overmix! don't overmix! dear lord, don't overmix! (i have this theory that most cookies wouldn't suck so hard if people would stop overprocessing everything and beat with their arm, not a machine)

5. okay, for best results, let stand at room temp for about 15 minutes. i, however, am not this patient and do the next step anyway:

roll into small balls; i'd say it's a little over a teaspoon each, but i'm not sure. you ever use those mini ice cream/cookie scoopers? it's like 2/3 of that. use too much and the cookies mushroom over the edge, it's ridic. anyway, roll dough into little 1 inch-wide balls and place square in the center of each paper liner. bake at 375 for 8 or 9 minutes. DONUT OVERBAKE. the cookies are unworkable if you bake too long.

6. k, while the cookies are baking, start unwrapping those chocolates. i do 24 with the first batch. as SOON as you pull the cookies out, immediately press a chocolate right into the center of each cookie; when done right, the mostly cooked dough poofs out and fills up the cup perfectly; too much dough and it mushrooms out and looks weird and also falls apart when you remove them from the pan.

7. let sit about five minutes until the pan cools, but don't leave them in too long. the bottoms get hard and yuck if you do.

8. immediately pop a cookie into your mouth.

9. have an orgasm.

10. remove cookies and repeat process; this batch just about perfectly makes 48 cookies. one bag of reese's is 41 chocolates, though. :/ i've put in like, leftover hershey's kisses or rolos or whatever i have in my candy jar, but nothing comes close to reese's.


(stupid gmail, I had to ask her to send it back to me, but that’s how lazy I am)



Your column on TLYDF makes me laugh! Please continue you correspondence with Mr. Hale!

I just wanted to drop a tidbit that, while not a true Dirty Uncle question, I think is worth noting. And no one in the fandom has seemed to notice. Happy 100,000 to Twilight! That's the number on stories on FFn. Can't quite compare to Harry Potter's 400k, but it's a great milestone!


Some Brief Folly

Dear SBF:

Yes! I did notice that. It’s crazy considering it was in the 20k area when I first started posting. Write your little hearts out, everyone!


Jasper Hale Question O’ the Week

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I have Emmett to thank for this small reprieve. At his suggestion, he and I were able to slip away for an unplanned, daylight-hours hunting trip. We're a bit apprehensive about what awaits us upon our return, but I am confident that the ataxia surrounding this weekend's celebration will keep us from being in the doghouse, so to speak, for long.

I mentioned very briefly last week how pleased we were with your selections for the previous week's column. Your choices have bred some interesting conversations and revelations. We were all a bit surprised you would to cast an actor other than Robert Pattinson as Edward. From all we have noted in the media, he has been quite the popular selection with the considerable "Twilight" fan-base. However, it is worth noting that when Bella saw your Edward choice, that sanguine flush of hers - Ms. Meyers impressively has that detail correct - was effulgent. It turns out the human has been admiring Misters Cavill and Rhys Meyers during episodes of The Tudors.

In addition, Esme purchased the entire Felicity series on DVD and the four women have been enraptured with it in between wedding-related activities. While most of the women seem to be quite taken with Ben, Bella remains stubbornly on "Team Noel," at least prior to the honeymoon.

Mention of the honeymoon segues nicely into my answer to your curiosity regarding tickling of a more intimate nature. My human memories being rather dim, I am having difficulty recalling the exact sensation of tickling; therefore, I do not know if what we vampires are capable of experiencing is comparable. I can tell you that our enhanced senses seem to enable us to experience many things more... intensely. I would be most curious to discuss with Edward whether the human has sufficient tactile strength to stimulate his heightened but well-protected nerve endings; however, I do not anticipate he will be willing to share any details.

On to this week's question. I couldn't help but notice that you and your steadfast collaborator have a new story. First, allow me to compliment you both on your altruism and applaud the winning bidder for her generosity. I note that your "Jimmy," as I understand you call her, has written at least one prior vampire story (which maybe we can discuss on a different day), but this is your first effort at the genre. I am curious as to whether you had any specific challenges writing this, as opposed to the all-human stories you typically write, and whether you might elaborate on the differences between writing a vampire story and an all-human story.

Ever anxious for your response,
Jasper Hale

Dear Mr. Hale

Oh boy, did we ever have challenges. Still are.

I’m writing Edward’s POV, and I just don’t feel like I ever do it right. I mean… I don’t have the right parts.

The thing about writing all-human is that you are basically writing your own original story with the benefit of not having to characterize if you don’t want to. Everyone “knows” Edward’s a gentleman, Bella’s got a mind of her own, Alice shops, Jasper’s emotive, Emmett’s a jock, Rosalie fixes cars, Carlisle’s a compassionate doctor, Esme is Mom. We’ve all read that fic.

But with those outlines already created, we can tweak them or ignore them as we please in the AH genre. When it comes to writing vamp, though… there’s an already well-established set of “rules” about the characters. Even when writing AU as opposed to canon.

I couldn’t do canon. Nn nn. I tried in a one-shot, and it turned all OOC. I couldn’t help it. I just have this feeling that Edward couldn’t possibly see/hear the thoughts of sexually charged humans and vamps for a hundred years and not be passionate. I don’t think it’s possible.

The cool thing about writing a vampy story is that I can explore all the stuff that I had problems with in the original stories, like Edward’s passion, and make them into a story I want to read.

I don’t know how this thing will turn out; so far, we’ve intrigued everyone with the first chapter; we’ll see what happens when Edward’s POV gets posted tomorrow.

I hope you enjoy it! Let me know what you think, dear friend.
How go the wedding preparations?


That’s all this week, folks. I’m starting school soon, but I’m still around. And for those who have read begrudged, we’re updating consistently. Just so you know.
Don’t forget to send your questions:

K, I’m off to have a John Hughes-a-thon. RIP, Mister. :`(

withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of posting the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. There’s something new on the horizon, click on her profile for the deets!


  1. wtvoc - love your Peanut Butter Whiskey cookie recipe! They sound so good! I am excited to try to make a batch of these, hopefully I won't fuck it up! :)

    You Rock!

    Jess (aka BBSapphire24)

  2. "Needed more Jasper looking less tragic."

    A-fricking-men. My heart is sad at the mere thought of the next three movies.


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