Thursday, August 20, 2009

Admin Essay: The End of Fail

Hey-a fan fic boys and girls, (yes, we know those boys are out there). I’m just gonna lay this out there.

I’m cranky.

(AG: No, really. She seriously is and I'm sorry in advance...)

Yep. Totally. Do you care? Probably not. But it’s relevant I think to the fandom and everything going on out there in Twiverse. If you don’t want to hear me whine about it turn back now.

AngstGoddess has been avoiding my gchat pings for days now. I tried to blame it on PMS but that’s a lie. I’m just in fail.

(AG: When I get tired of angst, there's a serious issue.)

I think my crankfail began after ComicCon. Boy, did I love CC. It was my idea of heaven. Dorky boys and girls dressed like super heroes and weird anime characters that I didn’t understand. I had a suitcase full of my own nerdy shirts to wear and happily sat in a panel about an old lady who was the voice of Rocky (Bullwinkle’s friend) and forgot to sleep or eat for three days.

(AG: It was actually four days...)

I breathed the same air as Rob and Johnny Depp. I zoomed my camera on RP’s golden locks and super sharp jaw, pretending that when Kstew spoke it was really that “wah wah wah wah wah” sound you hear on Charlie Brown cause I just can’t go there .

(AG: Stop making me shudder. I blocked that shit out like BD, you know?)

But since I left, I have been in the doldrums. So sad and irritable. Plus, it’s the end of the summer and I can no longer ogle underage boys at the pool, or make snarky faces at the other moms from my "holier than thou" position in my white lounge chair.


AG told me it was my turn to write an article and I mulled it and came up with some ideas but everything seemed all “meh” and lame and finally I said, fuck this, I’m gonna rant.

(AG: Thanks a lot for the encouragement, Pastiche. THANKS.)

So here we go.


First, I haven’t been able to get a photo or Robward in WEEKS that doesn’t have a blurry, butchy, Joan-Jetted haired, Kstew next to him. It’s bumming me out. I just need one shot of his jaw or his glorious hands playing air guitar or his pasty white feet or wonky button-fly jeans and I will be better.

I promise.

(AG: Trufax, but I got some Jackson today, so you know, I'm all set.)

Then, I think I’m a little emo because my fic is coming to an end. It’s always depressing saying goodbye. I love COHward and want to keep him in my pocket and rub his little obsessive compulsive head, and make him do polite but dirty things to Bella, but I can’t cause it’s time to let him go.


(AG: There's always pizza cutter gayward outtakes, js js.)

Which you know, other stories are ending….Wide Awake (cough*ifAGeverfinishes*cough) (cough*Dear Angel, STFU <3, AG*cough),
Deconstructing Dracula
In The Blink of An Eye
Trust in Advertising
Port Angeles Players
and sigh, I feel like my obsession,
Tropic of Virgo
must becoming to a close but I haven’t looked on her thread cause I can’t take the news.

(AG: It's better to have read and lost than to have never read at all...)

Also, I feel like every story I read lately is making me depressed. Like “please give me a gallon of ice cream and the episode of BTVS where she kills Angel but he goes non-evil just before she pushes him in to whatever dimension of hell he has to go to” depressed. Bella leaves Edward. Edward leaves Bella. I KNOW. I KNOW. This is nothing new but good grief, for example, if something good doesn’t happen soon in
Hydraulic Level 5
, I’m totally quitting that fic.

(AG: OMG, that Buffy episode. Hold on. I'm all verklempt. DON'T STAB HIM, HOOR!)

I am such a liar.

Once an addict-always an addict.

(AG: M-A-S-O-C-H-I-S-M: My anti-drug.)

Then I keep getting these recs. And guh they are so good. But they are only 12 chapters long and I just can’t read them because I’ve been around this block and I have moved my 12 chapter minimum to about 20 chapters unless it is an author that has a history of updating frequently and completing because well, that is just my rule. No offense.

(AG: Wait, wait. First you bitch about fics ending, and then you bitch about fics that don't end. Christ, woman. Midol FTW, kwim?)

This of course is also kind of a lie because I cave in under the pressure of my peers and read the links they send me.

(AG: Yeah. Don't lie.
The Neighbor Boy
Vanilla and Chrome
totally de-failed you.)

But then, there is good stuff too right? Minisinoo has been
updating her HP fic again
. (I KNOW it’s not Twilight but it has Cedward in it so it feels like it), and there are new websites in the works and its fall, so Bones should be coming back on the air soon and I can get some of my delightful David Boreanaz back (again, vampire related I promise).

Halo has a new fic,
Last Rites
, and Tropic of Virgo isn’t over, not yet, and people keep writing about Edward having tattoos and that just makes me happier than you would believe.

(AG: God fucking bless the genius who came up with the
Tattward and Inkella

And, we keep getting these New Moon trailers that have way too much Jacob and not enough Edward but the little bits of Edward make my ovaries burst into flame because he is moving his lips and the shot is on his glorious jaw side and HE ISN’T WEARING A SHIRT, and well, that’s enough for me.

(AG: Angsty Strip Tease! BRB, finding illegal video and remembering americnxidiot's faux re-enactment at ComicCon...)

And, I am in the works for two new fics. I am. But that isn’t here or there except its fall right? I can go to Target and get a new glitterific pink Hello Kitty notebook and scribble fresh ideas into for all these insane ideas that scurry around my brain. Hmmmm…what to make Edward do now…

(AG: Jasper?)

Finally, just to prove to you that the fail has to becoming to an end this was posted tonight and everything is better…

Angel/edwardzukorocks writes for the Twilight fandom, and splits her time dreaming of Rob and David. Rob. David. Rob. David. Rob. David. She loves glitter, the FF stat page, superheroes with subtle homosexual tendencies, and nonsensical, yet admittedly hilarious rants on preachers with lisps.


  1. I found this hilarious, and yet so relatable. Thanks for the rank ... now I don't feel like I have to! ~RAE

  2. "It's better to have read and lost than to have never read at all..." SO TRUE!

    Thank you! it´s 8 am here and just started work and you just made my day with this!! so funny!! Thank you!!!
    and that Buffy episode! GAH! i feel nostalgic now! :(

  3. thanks ladies. i think ranting made me feel better.

    you know sharing my pain with others and all...

  4. Wow. With this rant, it's kind of like you pulled out my soul, colored it purple, covered in in glitter, and then put it on display in the school gym for all the 2nd graders to gawk. From all my favorite fics ending (or have already ended) to KStew and her hacked off head disrupting shots of Edwa--er--Rob. You've accurately voiced every frustration I am currently experiencing.

    I'm going through some withdrawals without WA, but pulling through in hopes that G&G will refill that deep, dark void (no pressure, just sayin').

  5. Angel, dude… I always thought your articles were the most relatable ones, so I went all wtf when I read your “at least 20 chapters” rule. Like, I too make numerous maximum number of cookies rules, but they’re as effective as Kstew’s blinking and spasms control. But then I saw your admittance and the fact that you read TB&TC and felt more normal again and the world just became a better place (which will become even better if you and your friend give us our epic epis…)

  6. He-he-he. I'm so glad you wrote this. And I'm such an enabler.

    And, dude, no fricking joke do I agree with AG. You like the most EMO-fricking fic when you're in fail. I don't get it? I run to the angry snark... with a side of raunchy humor.

    Although when I return from HP, I plan on readin Deconstructing Dracula.

  7. I now want to break out the Buffy and Angel season DVD's and have my own little marathon. *sigh*

    Bones comes back ... oh fuck, I forgot when. Ummm, September *goes to check* Sept 17th and that's so close and yet, so far.

    And how is it that out of all that ranting, the only things that stuck out where the passing mention of Buffy and AG's mention of Jackson pics?

  8. Can I have AG give running commentary on my life? Or start having remixes of fics, where they are interspersed with reader commentary. That could be the next trend in never know.

  9. It is for this reason that I seriously need TLYDF on my bb.

    I needed this ranty shiz earlier in work :|

  10. sigh.

    it's nice to know your not alone in the failness of life.

    or twiverse. whatever. aka life.

    Dude mallmouse-i didn't admit to reading TB&TC although I AM! its good. are you review stalking me? cause i hadnt come out yet.

    i do have all these fan fic rules. but for serious, ive been around this twilight block a couple times and i have learned my lesson. but i am fallible. always.

    and buffy. it makes all all emo.

  11. Angel...I think I might love you!
    I kinda sorta got a girl crush on you after watching the Comic Con videos. I looked up your stories but haven't read anything yet, but only because I have enough trouble keeping the ones I have started straight in my puny, little brain! (I finally had to make a spreadsheet to keep me in line...did I just say that out loud?) With so many of my fav's ending, I hope to remedy that soon. But...on to why I think I love you...
    You have put my recent feelings of frustration into beautiful, snarky, funny words. I feel your pain...all of it digging deeper into the never ending hole in my heart...and you make me laugh at my pain while laughing at yours. I need some Rob pics, never ending stories, HOW long til Nov. cuz my bursting ovaries can't take it any more, 20 chapter-minimum, Tattward LOVING...just give me something!! You make me feel almost normal again...and for that, I thank you...and continue to crush. Thanks :)

  12. I decided to rewatch Buffy recently, but I had to stop when I got to "Surprise" - the stuff after that kills me until S3.

    I enjoyed the rant, especially the part concerning KStew. I am not a fan of their possible pairing, so the more they are pictured together the more disturbed I get. But I do like looking at pics of Rob. As for fics, I think I've gotten to the point where I only read AU-Human. I've even dabbled a bit in writing, recently. I only want to read completed fics, because I hate waiting for updates (though, I have about 10 I'm watching).

  13. what? only AH? poor cohward.

  14. Ok, not *only* AH. I do read COHward. Mostly because it's AU. I really don't much care for anything post-Eclipse or dealing with BD.

  15. Ohhhh, Angel. This made me laugh so hard. Mostly because I feel like you are my brain twin and I completely agree with every word you said. Feel free to bitch at me on gchat :)

  16. Hej!
    Don't get on my case for YOUR I'm-about-to-maybe-write-an-epilogue-but-I-can't-let-my-story-go-because-they-make-me-mushy-in-girly-places fail.
    Like I said on the forums:
    Don't think of it as letting them go. Think of it as closing the blinds for a while so they can get really perverted.

  17. Wow you guys crack my shit up. Seriously. I have to admit that COH ending brings me to tears, as does the Literary Genius of Wide Awake. I pout a little bit, and then go make myself feel better by reading Clipped Wings and Inked Armor. Because you're right, Tatted up Edward makes me tingling in the obvious places. Oh and if I have to see another picture of Jackson looking like a crack fiend who stepped out of the trailer park, I'm seriously going to rethink my love of Jasper. He is really fucking with my favor of Jasper/Bella stories right now. I keep seeing the pic of him at the KCA's and cringing.

  18. This cracked me up. Thanks for a laugh on a boring Friday night.


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