Friday, April 17, 2009

Column: Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC



Let’s start off this Saturday with a bang.

Dear wtvoc:

Do vampire peens sparkle? Please include evidence for, and if you dare, against. Pretty pictures are strongly encouraged.
Signed,
The Sparkle Peen Brigade


Dear SPB:
I posted this question to the girls over at the LJ community the_gazebo. They answered much better than I could. Here’s what they said:

ooohlalaaah: fuck yes, they sparkle. i'd also like some photographic evidence

sensecoalition: Well, if the rest of the vampires bodies sparkle, I think it's safe to say that the peens also sparkle. And I think you can even say that because the peens are always covered up, and never get any exposure to the sunlight(unless they have massive amounts of outdoor sex, but even still, the peens are inside something..)that they would sparkle even more.

lizitaloo: here's all you need to put: YES. because I said so. (wtvoc says: orly?)

ktbass: Like a freaking glitter sausage. Of COURSE they do. (wtvoc: FTW)

ktbass: google is your friend.

SPARKLE PEEN

juicybrisket: NOT IF THEY REAL

carolyn81: Dammit, if the rest of him sparkles, then that better f'n sparkle too! *whispers* if you do find evidence, please share!!!

Jennday11182: and on this, does he cum glitter? what does venom!cum look like anyways?

Kottoncandie: it looks like THIS of course!

lamboyster: Yeah, they sparkle, but only in the sunlight.
And if you're using one properly, it won't be exposed for that long anyway.

Does that answer yer questions, SPB? It answered mine, and I wasn’t even aware I had been asking it.
-wtvoc




Hey there!

First of all, I just have to say that I'm in awe of the price paid for your services (yes, read in whatever you'd like there...for how much it was... $2,700???? you ought to seriously shake and bake...cookies, of course) 8-) Man - I'd be terrified if anyone paid that much for me! Woo Hoo to you!

Second, I just had to share a couple of reviews I got recently with dirty uncle wtvoc...The first...someone is translating my story into Italian so her friends could read it...now that's dedication.

And the second...well, you have to see it to believe it:

"Ok, I haven't even begun to read the chapter yet and my heart is practically hammering out of my chest and I need to keep telling myself to breath..."

She's reviewing BEFORE she reads the chapter, she's so excited! She then reviews in detail after she's read, of course, but this just cracks me up! I thought you, of all people, could appreciate that 8-)

Congrats again! I was stunned by how much all of us got for our stories - it was an amazing thing! take care!
Blondie aka robin


Dear I WANNA FINISH WHIRLWIND:

Thankya. And don’t forget the additional $2500 dollars in donations we got to Support Stacie. But who’s counting? (heh)

Trust. No one is more blown away than we are. We just got our writing prompt, and I’m terrified she’ll want to share with you all because it’s so damned good that I’m not entirely sure we’re gonna pull it off.

Also, that’s awesome! I-talians get to read Dark Side of the Moon, and Pollacks can read Scotch, ‘cuz we’ve got someone who wanted to translate that into polish.

I love our fandom sometimes.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

I'm trying to take your advice and review more often - I'm afraid that in the beginning it is simply too easy to lurk and read and not give back. I wonder if some of that isn't a result of humility (insecurity?) rather than intentional selfishness - there's a sense that as someone who, as of now, only reads and hasn't written fanfiction, what would they want my input for? Your blog on Fandom Ettiquette has helped me get over that inhibition. Thanks!
-jackiejones


Dear Lurkity Lurkette:

You’re welcome!

Lurking really is easy. Any fic writer can testify to this- the ratio of reviews per chapter vs. the number of hits the chapter gets is teeny tiny. Like, less than five percent in most cases. BRB, checking my ff.net stats: okay, I’m back. The last chapter of MHBL got 7,414 hits. Number of reviews: 449. That’s a little more than six percent.

There’s no way to know what percentage of those hits are repeat clicksies. But still… think about it. How many times have you not reviewed a chapter?

This is a sore point with fic writers, whether they admit it or not. How many times have I seen this in an author’s note- I know you’re reading, I have 100 of you on alert! And then they taunt with any number of ghastly updated-related (empty) threats.

But really, as long as you don’t only say UPDATE NAO, the review’s gonna be appreciated. Well, okay. Follow the other Dirty Uncle Rules, but you know what I mean.

The input-y goodness reviews are the best ones of them all. You, the reviewer, might think you don’t know what you’re talking about, or you might think we don’t care.

Trust. You do. And We do.
-wtvoc




Another one from jackiejones:

It seems like most stories get posted as they're being written. Do readers prefer works in progress or completed stories?
-jj


Dear wtvoc stalker:

You’d have to ask the readers. I get quite a lot of bitching about my unfinished and never updated fics, so it feels like people prefer completed.

Anyone wanna take this one?
-wtvoc




Dear (stop using my real name):

What's it like to be SO popular in Twilight fanfiction? Do you really make a tasty chicken casserole, because that article made my mouth water!
-pwtf


Dear Twilighted Dinosaur (it’s a compliment, trust):

Psssh. When yer popular, you get weird stalkers and irrational hatred.

True facts: there was an email going around to get my name off the top ten fave authors at twilighted a few months ago, and to get a specific author on. She hates my guts. Someone told her I was talking shit on her because I might have mentioned to someone that I didn’t know where her fic was going but that I was going to keep reading it anyway.

To use internet speak: idk idk, idgi. Also: uhh wut?

High school tactics, y/n? I’m too old for that shit, man. I just like dick and fart jokes.

That’s what it’s like to be popular.

And yes, my casseroles kick superbly major ass. And MS Word just changed “superly” to “superbly”, which I suppose means I’ve been making up words again. Whatever.

But really, the emails offering to birth my babies, that the person only want to read my thoughts, that I’m not as great as I think I am, that I owe it to them to update… do you really want those things?

Ya don’t. I have had to become very detached from this and just laugh all of it off. Ooh, that’s depressing. Let’s find another penis question.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

If you had a one night stand with Rob Pattinson, would you rather get syphilis from Rob or participate in some hardcore girl on girl action for him, but not get to touch him...
-fate.of.gabriel


Dear Elitist:

What’s a little syphilis amongst friends? Treponema Pallidum is treatable as long as you catch it in advance. However, if I didn’t catch it in time, I’d use ole the “hey, you dumbass Brit. You infected me, so I say as long as we’ve both got the Siff, why don’t we just continue to bone exclusively so as to not infect the population with our scandalous ways?” routine.

I’d probably also make a hooded sweatshirt that read “I fucked Rob Pattinson, and all I got was an awesome sweatshirt and a raging case of gynococcorrhea.”

I might make the sweatshirt anyway.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

Any ideas on how to get over the actual fear of posting? Are some reviewers really that hate-filled and bastardish that it would be not worth posting a potentially terrible first fanfic? Or should I just break out the big girl panties and post something, obnoxious high school readers be damned?

The Amazingly Insecure Fan,
Emmy


Dear Needer of Liquid Courage:

Listen. That first post is shit-tastically scary, not even gonna lie. Hit up the JD and cyber-hold a friend’s hand, because when you click “submit”…. A little piece of your spirit dies as you start to wonder WHAT IF NO ONE READS IT or WHAT IF I GET A BAD REVIEW or WHAT IF ROB’S READING AND JUDGING ME?

I’m not going to devote a whole lot of time to the fear, but please see pastiche pen the porn peddler’s series on the fandom, and emibella’s series on style.
-wtvoc

Smellyia's Rude Interjection: Actually starting this week on TLYDF Wednesdays will be devoted to WordCraft articles including emibella's Style Series, my Deconstructing the Story Series - currently focusing on characterization and a new "Columnist" that you'll just have to wait and see about ;). But Wed will be devoted to expanding the writer - whether it be fic or OG.




Dear Mistress,

I have four questions for you.

1. What is your favourite type of Edward? Doucheward, Domward, Priestward, Professorward?
2. Also, have you ever thought of writing a multi-chaptered Bella/Carlisle smut story?
3. Is it wrong to fantasize about Priestward? and;
4. What is your favourite boyband?
Kisses,
jennday xx


Dear Future Mrs. Doctor Karl:

First off, I hesitate to answer your question as q. obvsly, you live in England, what with your refusal to recognize the proper way to spell “favorite”. But I like you, kid, so I’ll do it just this one time.

InMyPantsWard
Of course I’ve thought about it, but I’m trying to conquer the squick factor
Fuck no. Two words: Catholic Repression
CLEARLY, IT’S THE BACKSTREET BOYS. I DON’T KNOW WHY WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

I received the following review and I am not sure what to do. You see, I am not sure it is for my story. None of this stuff has happened. Do I try to clarify it with the reviewer? Do I let it go? What would YOU do? (wtvoc: the review is unimportant, just know that it was douchey)
-emibella


Dear Musical Brethren:

First off, I corrected an egregious spelling error. Come on, nao. I forgive.

Secondly… fuck yes, clarify it. I firmly believe that people need to be made aware of when they are assholes. Not so that you can lord it over them and feel better about yourself; so that they are aware and can make adjustments to future actions accordingly.

I’m serious. You can easily do it with a nice, firm hand:

Hi! Thank you for reading and reviewing, but I think it’s possible you have my story confused with a different story as the element “… and never, ever have Jacob taking it up the butt from Jasper because that’s just the most awful…” never once appeared in my story. Thanks for your time!

Err, something like that.

They’ll be embarrassed if it truly was a gaffe, and they’ll probably apologize.

Same goes for when someone thinks they write a review of love, but no one ever told them “don’t give me that bullshit excuse that real life gets in the way of updating” (I am paraphrasing, but I did get that review a few days ago) is NOT the way to tell a total stranger that you liked it.

I think what I’m trying to say is- yes. Respond. And I know you, you wouldn’t be an ass about it. But to everyone else… when this happens to you, don’t be a jerk right on back. That just perpetuates chronic assholery, and Dirty Uncle does not approve.
-wtvoc




Wtvoc. Question:

If you could live within any twilight genre, what would it be? AU? AU-AH? Slash? Crossover? Canon? What would the rating be?
-emibella


Dear Inquisitive Hippie:

Serious answer: AU, if I could become a vamp, and the Cullens weren’t so two-dimensional. I dream about being with Edward Forever.

Fuck me, I can’t even answer serious questions without snarking. Gees.

Not-serious answer:

If I could be in the room during the Twilight-HP Crossover Edward/Cedric Slash, well that would just be the cherry on my ice cream sundae of life.

NC-17. It’s like you don’t even know me.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

If you had two bits of advice to give our beloved Rob when facing the gauntlet of the press, what would they be? (For reference-sake only, I'd remind him the US interviewers are tragically literal and do not understand dry British humor, so if you tell them you don't wash your hair? They'll BELIEVE you.)

-minisinoo


Dear Goddess amongst fanfic mortals:

I’d like to point out that answering this makes me feel like I’m handing in a Blue Book Midterm essay.

Ahem.

Dearest Rob:

Stop saying “literally”. YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. I have no doubt that you are an intelligent chap, but your “literally” is the British version of my “and I’m all”. You sound like a fucking ignoramus when you do it. Stop it.

Also… make sure when you choose your next vehicle that it is a nice independent feature that is not

Homoerotic
Requiring an American accent from you
Edgy
A National Lampoon’s movie
Also starring a Hilton, a Reid, or any cast member of a reality show
Keen on putting you on the soundtrack
Intent on making you look like a srs bsns actor
Gonna make your tweenage fan base squeal in either a good or bad way
Require physical exertion on your part


What I’m trying to say, Rob, is that big budget is obviously a bad idea, but also… don’t become a mockery of yourself. Your talent is burgeoning, it’s plain to see. You might be a pretty face, but there’s depth in there, and I’d love to see it showcased in the best way- that of you in a role where you can take your sweet, self-deprecating nature and stretch its boundaries a little bit. Don’t go too crazy; you’re not quite there yet. Maybe one day you’ll be the Nicholson you claim to want to be, but that will come with time. Don’t push it. And don’t ignore your roots, either. Just keep being the aw-shucks bumbling Brit we’ve all come to love and you’ll do just fine.


Your next big role is critical. It will determine how the press deals with you from now on. Too indie, and no one will take you seriously except film students, and who wants their praise? RomCom is just… no. Horror? Sweet Jehoshaphat, no. Screwball comedy- not your thing. Period drama? Well, while I do relish the thought of you in knee breeches, I somehow see you being cast as the ne’er-do-well rich fucker or the clumsy clergyman, handsome and newly appointed to the parish or some such thing as opposed to the leading man. Be a Mr. Knightley, Rob. Or even a Mr. Bingley. Don’t be a Mr. Collins or a Mr. Willoughby.

Just… please don’t be in a movie with Miley. Please.

Sincerely,
wtvoc




Dear wtvoc,

can we make sweet love in a microbus on a bed of weaved hemp?

-jandco


Dear other half:

Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

Are you always so funny and witty? Cause whenever I read any of yer shit, it is just that all of the time.
-saranic


Dear saranic:

Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc,

Do you ever feel the need? The need for speed?
-cdunbar


Dear cdunbar:

Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear favorite dirty uncle,

Do you feel like someone's always watching you? (And no, I don't mean the money you could be saving by switching to Geico, even though that's creepy in its own right.)
-cdunbar


Dear cdunbar:

Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

If a fic gets posted and no one reviews, does it make a sound?
-alison


Dear alison:

Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear dirty wtvoc,

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Sincerely,
Curious in Texas (aka cdunbar)


Dear Resident Texan:

African, or European? Woman, please. I’m on to you.

Also…Yes.
-wtvoc




Dear Whitvock -

Re: this proclamation of yours from the recent auction: "HAVE YER POCKETBOOKS, HEARTS, AND OTHER APPENDAGES OPEN, LADIES."

"Pocketbook" is my sister-in-law's colloquial term for the vagina. As in: "Pull down your skirt, your pocketbook is showing!"

Did this highly common interpretation of this word influence your decision to use it in this situation?
xoxo,
- Dammit, Elle


Dearest ElleCC:

No.
-wtvoc




Dear master and commander,

How do you stop the crazies from driving you away from fandom writing altogether? I'm not talking about the people who like your story and every once in a while PM you or email you about an update status. I'm talking about the people who think they know your characters better than you do and start demanding you write things a certain way. The CRAZIES. Because they're out there... waiting to ruin your story for you. So how do you not let them get to you? (BTW - I would like to add that this hasn't happened to me, but someone I know who asked my opinion about it and I honestly couldn't think of what to tell her.)
-cdunbar


Dear cdunbar:

Glad to see there was a for reals question in there somewhere.

I’m sure any number of you whom I keep as pets in my gmail chatkennel can attest to the following:

I have considered leaving the fandom on more than one occasion. It was a serious cry for help every time, but I always came back.

I think everyone but maybe jandco, smellyia, and bittenev thought I was joking, but I was serious every time.

Why, wtvoc? Why would you leave us? Simple… I was tired of the bullshit.

Every day for a while there, I was getting PMs accusing me of ripping off stories that were posted AFTER mine, or PMs demanding updates, or people popping up saying OMIGOD DID YOU HEAR THAT BLAH BLAH BLAH or you know, forwards of emails wanting to oust me from the twilighted top ten (and by the way… who gives a shit about that shit?). I wanted to quit every time.

So I did two things:

-I failed
-I started to hide

And both worked. The Fail helped because I got pissed. Pissed that I would consider letting some assholes get me down. That’s when I decided to ignore by hiding. Now it’s tough to find me when I’m online, but I’m usually there, snarking and writing and twatting (and no, if you don’t know what this is, I ain’t tellin’).

I don’t talk to as many of you as I’d like, but it’s better for me this way. I don’t get bothered to update by well-meaning friends (as much).

I realize I didn’t even answer your question, but I still think it pertains. Same thing. I ignore. People are always going to think they know better, and I’m using the generic “people” here. You can either tell yourself “I know what the hell I’m doing” and act accordingly, or you can take it to heart and let it eat away at you.
I don’t let anyone nom nom nom at my soul. Not even Edward Cullen. Not even Rob. So I ignore.

Think you can do it? It’s not as easy as you’d imagine. I still have relapses where I care greatly about what someone says in a PM/email/forum thread/review/chat box. Eh, I’m only human.

Other side of the coin: if you’re one of the people who likes to second-guess authors… KNOCK IT OFF.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc:

Is there a good place to go to do a quick fact check when you're writing a Twilight based fanfic without rereading all of the books just looking for that detail?
-jackiejones


Dear JJ:

Why such good questions? And didn’t you watch Twilight? The answer is simple. It’s very common. You can google it.

No, try www.twilightlexicon.com or simply www.wikipedia.org. Both are excellent for quick fact-checking.

TBH, I usually just pop up in someone’s chat box and ask ‘em because I’m too lazy to do it on my own. So if you have that luxury, I recommend it. Otherwise… get your google on, BB.
-wtvoc




Dear wtvoc,

I wanted to write you a letter because you always give witty responses to questions, and I wanted to see more of your wonderfully sarcastic wit. My only problem in doing such was that I could not successfully think up a question on the spot. Thus, an opportunity presented itself to me: How does one think up an awesome question to send to you? What are your favorite types of questions (excluding those mentioning Rob's penis, of course; that's a given)? Oh, and what is your favorite brand of spaghetti sauce?
Sincerely,
~MuffNbutter/Lemon Muffins


Dear Butterer of My Muffin:

You’ve seen the gamut of questions. I still have more, and I anticipate more every day. I love all of them. The thought-provoking ones drive me crazy because I know I’m just going to write and write, but I love ‘em for it. The funny ones are great, but don’t feel pressured to make me laugh. I’m just grateful anyone’s reading my shit to begin with. Seeing new messages in the dearwtvoc@gmail.com make me smile.

And I make my own spaghetti sauce. I like lots of meat. That’s what she said.
-wtvoc




Time for my favorite question of the week:

Dear Dirty Uncle WTVOC,

I have a very serious question for you.

Today, I had my first kiss, and it sucked. Majorly. And I got all the usual advice ("You'll laugh about it later" "You'll get better at in time" etc), but I still feel like shit. And now, as I'm thinking about it, I realize that it is entirely the fault of Fanfic for giving me completely unrealistic expectations about relationships. Why do brain-crack-perfect-amazing-totally-non-awkward relationships with a guy who is interested in the same things as you only exist in fanfics and books? And why are real men not... witty? What's wrong with society? Fix it!!
faithfully yours,
Violetwilson


Dear VW:

I can answer this question rather simply:

For the same reasons porn gives men unrealistic expectations about fucking. Porn, for the most part, is done by dudes. Twific, for the most part, is done by chicks.

I know I, for one (and hell, I’m speaking on jandco’s behalf as well), write Edwards like guys I’ve known. A lot of my husband is there in Scotch Edward or Scotch Jasper. Just little mannerisms and conversations and such.

But you’ll also notice that the Edwards we two write are seriously flawed and kind of dicks. Kinda like men. They have their moments, and when they’re on, they’re on. But don’t expect Grand Gestureward to manifest in your boyfriend or first crush or first and most CERTAINLY not in your first fuck.

I’mma say this right now, so listen up:

Losing your virginity is not a wonderful experience. You will not have an orgasm, much less two. You will not have a revelation. No seeing of God. He will not be exceptional at cunnilingus unless he’s experienced. Most likely, sex will hurt. Most likely, it will last approximately 20.37 seconds. Most likely, it will be awkward. Most likely, you won’t even realize it’s over until he falls asleep, slumped next to you with his sweaty head buried in your neck.

The only thing I can tell you is that it, and men, for that matter, gets better. I promise. The best thing you can do is to forgive the boy for not being your ideal. Both you and he will thank you for it one day. Also…. practice makes perfect. Just sayin’.

I’M TALKING ABOUT KISSING, YA PERVS
-wtvoc




GAUNTLET:

If you could pick the soundtrack for New Moon, what would the songs for these four scenes be:

1. Edward leaving Bella on the forest ground (can I just say how many ways I would not be left in dirt by some man -- sparkly vamp or not)
2. Bella's "empty" months montage prior to reconnecting with Jacob.
3. Bella jumping off the cliff OR riding the motorcycle.
4. Bella running to Edward & their inevitable reunion.

Give me musical bliss.
-smellyia


Dear the Man:

First off, I hate you for coming up with the perfect question.

Secondly… I spent the better part of a lazy Friday Afternoon doing this, for the Smellyia sees it necessary that I get the Gauntlet like, twelve hours before my homework is due.

Smellyia: Sniff. 11:22pm deadline. That is all.

Edward leaves like a douche
“Tainted love” by Marilyn Manson



No, seriously. Go listen. These now-cliched pseudo-industrial beats are, I think, an excellent musical depiction of what a tard Edward is in this scene. Plus, the lyrics. Good God, the lyrics.

Once I ran to you
Now I’ll run from you
This tainted love you’ve given
I gave you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that’s not nearly all


or

and you think love is to prey
but I’m sorry, I don’t pray that way


or

jesus H
don’t touch me, please
I cannot stand the way you tease.
I love you, though you hurt me so.
Now I’m gonna pack my things and go.


The only real part in there that doesn’t apply to Canon Edward is that he’d never unclench long enough to say “gonna” instead of “going to”.

Smellyia: GAH, How bad is it that I'd STILL pay to see his concert. I think I may have a girl crush in my old age.

Bella la Catatonia Magnifica

“What if I leave” by Rachael Yamagata



Firstly, that particular live version of this song is unbelievable. Secondly… I’m not even going to put the lyrics up. They’re very common. You can google them.

This song is beautiful. Her voice makes me wish that me and R. Yama were sitting together at some dank little coffee shop, smoking cigarettes and mocking the beat poets up on stage at amateur night. The simplicity of the guitar evokes such insane loneliness interjected with hope that it makes me want to weep with frustration. Or possibly punch a mythological being in the junk.

Cliff-Diving

“Leather” by Tori Amos



Don’t look at me like that. Tori owns a large portion of my teenaged soul, but that’s not why I picked this one. I picked it because it’s perfect.

The gentle, insistent piano chordage in the background coupled with Tori’s ever-patient voice driving the lyrics into your head as the song slowly gets more urgent, louder, more staccato… Fuck, dude. As I break it down, trying to sound like I know what I’m talking about… it actually becomes more and more clear. You’d better be listening as you read this.


Oh
God
Could it be the weather?
Oh
God
Why am I here?
If
Love
Isn’t forever
And it’s not the weather
Hand me my leather…


Then, like, I imagine the fade out “ya dah dah dah dah di di, duh di di”s as like, ending as we go through a series of shots, all focusing on Bella’s face as you see her becoming more and more determined to do this. To jump. “Di di (die die?)…” JUMP.

Yeah. This works.

Smellyia: Disclaimer: TLYDF is a NON-TORI Hating community. Why? Because I said so. She is a Goddess and I'll have nothing else. What about free speech Smellyia? Cry about it to yo' mammies darlin's. Tori stays. To understand -- you may read my essay on this woman on Music Sundays: Tori Amos by Smellyia. Go learn about genius if ya didna already know.

Edward! Oh, Bella. I mourn you so. Edward! Carlisle was right. Edward. Fucking LOOK AT ME.

“Half Asleep” by School of Seven Bells



I’m not sure why. I think it’s mostly because I love this song, and I think the song choice needs to be hopefully desperate as she’s running through Montepulciano Volterra, but then the chorus is so upbeat that I can imagine the swelling of the chords as Bella finally notices him there. And in my head, Rob’s there in a white button-down, unbuttoned all the way (grrr rawr rawr SETTLE DOWN, COUGAR) and he’s like, there with his eyes closed, face turned toward the sun in anticipation while a flurry of street market activity pulsates around him, constantly moving, revealing and covering, revealing and covering- but his body remains still as that, you know- marble Grecian modern perfect still other perfection adjective for statue.

This Question Warranted THE POST-IT.
That’s it. You’d be amazed how long this took. The Marilyn Manson one was unbelievably easy, but as for the others… pfft. I actually picked Pink Floyd at one point. PS: my iTunes has almost 10,000 songs. That took some time. PSS: if you like my musical break down… check out the Ficster’s sister blog “Music Sundays”.

Damn, there were some fine-ass questions in my box. And still tons I didn’t get to. But seeing as I’m over 2,000 words from where I wanted to be, I’mma stop now.

‘Til we meet again… don’t forget to ask me yer questions at dearwtvoc@gmail.com!




withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's formatting nightmare. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.

21 comments:

  1. I warned you I was no good at silly questions, so if it felt like a blue-book essay, I fear that's your fault for asking the college prof to contribute. LOL! (My humor runs to dry rather than silly.)

    I think I'd like to see Rob do comedy, but good British comedy. I'd love to see him do something vaguely Monty Pythonish. He actually has good comic timing and can pull of physical humor too (as he did in "Bad Mother's Handbook"). I haven't yet seen "How to Be," but I think BMH may actually be his *best* role to date.

    And of course, a PURELY selfish part of me would LOVE to see him do comedy opposite Jimmy Marsden (who is also terribly funny). :-D

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh, dry british comedy would soooo be up his alley. i could see him playing stephen fry's son for some reason.

    and darling, i loved your questions. in fact, one of them is KILLING ME and i need to keep thinking on it because i can't picture edward as anything but a velociraptor.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Another great Dirty Uncle post. I love reading these, you know that. And I was happy to see a penis question in there. You mixed it up real good. Fabulous. Of course the songs...ftw. Great question amelia.

    It was sweet and honest for you to answer the first kiss question. Complicated times, I remember.

    I literally enjoyed this.

    xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmm...

    The SPB's resonse: Answer ACCEPTED

    I think this was my favorite: "And if you're using one properly, it won't be exposed for that long anyway."

    Hahaha. Tis true.

    Which leads to *why* has no one written a oneshot/outtake/crackfic about the Sparkle Peen? No one wants to let it out in the sunlight for playtime. Poor, sad SP.

    ReplyDelete
  5. duh, NYM. yer gonna write said oneshot.

    ReplyDelete
  6. See. I was gonna write "P.S. I hope no one throws this in my face and tells me to start writing."

    This is me. Ducking too late.

    *Sigh* Maybe. One day. Maybe. If no one else will, I'll hafta.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "
    Losing your virginity is not a wonderful experience. You will not have an orgasm, much less two. You will not have a revelation. No seeing of God. He will not be exceptional at cunnilingus unless he’s experienced. Most likely, sex will hurt. Most likely, it will last approximately 20.37 seconds. Most likely, it will be awkward. Most likely, you won’t even realize it’s over until he falls asleep, slumped next to you with his sweaty head buried in your neck."

    hahahaha

    sad but true

    ReplyDelete
  8. I LOVE PRIESTWARD. TELL JFLY TO GIVE HIM TO ME.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Shit.

    I forgot to send you questions AGAIN!

    Damn Damn damn DAMN!

    Next time wtvoc...next time....

    People can certainly be HARSH in the fandom and it is bullshit, but such is life and the HS drama unfortunately never ends..sigh...I'm glad you are still here with us. I get my fair share of PMs from people telling me they hate my guts and sometimes wish death upon me, but continue to read my story regardless. Interesting....

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, wtvoc... You should have seen how many emails I started with more inane questions that were discarded at the last minute.

    You make me laugh as always.

    AND I MEANT AFRICAN.

    ReplyDelete
  11. wtvoc-
    Great column, as usual. I was only planning on skimming around, checking for responses to posts on the husband article when I noticed yours already up. I just had to settle into the chair and take the time to read your Q & A's. As it is Saturday morning, I have ignored my children, allowing them to wreak havoc upon my living room. I got so engrossed in your responses, that I look up and my five year old took it upon himself to give the dog a haircut. Not that he needed it, he just thought it would be cool. My Twilight books, all post-it noted with the laborious research I conducted late last night for my fic have been shoved on the floor by my three year old so she could have room on the coffee table to color. Every exposed inch of her skin is covered in marker, along with a large section of my living room floor.

    But you know what? It's all good. I know they can entertain themselves while I continue to read the awesomeness that is wtvoc.

    Well, now they fight, so I must go!
    Ciao!
    Kay

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear I-thought-you-were-MY-music-brethren,
    Leave the music posts where they belong, please, ya traitor. Yeah, I know, all "onebighappyfamily". sheesh.

    Signed,
    Miffed at Music Sundays

    ReplyDelete
  13. ^^ yeah, sorry about that ^^

    I am in love with this column. It makes me laugh an abnormal amount. Especially the career advice for Rob. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. No kidding, buddy. I do see him in british comedy, something dry or he could pull of woody allen. I think.

    My favorite questions, though, came from myself. You answered them perfectly. Although I fear people don't think I have a sense of humor. So to that I ask...

    Dear wtvoc,
    How do I go about changing my image? I mean, I need some serious 80's-Hughsian style advice here, man. Do I buy a hat? Use the word Penis more? Or is "Love Staff" more appropriate for a laugh? Should I invest in underpants with silly remarks on them? A book of knock-knock jokes?
    Sincerely yours,
    your music brethren

    *****

    Seriously though, I loved it all. Especially cdunbar's questions. That girl is a modern day Barbara Walters.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Well, dirty uncle, what a wonderful article as usual. I loved Smellyia's question just cuz I'm on the musical enlightenment tour with her siDEADde and Emibella...I am a novice...I take their advice and find my horizons can be expanded!

    And Jenny...dude...you know I worship at the alter of priestward? You know I lay some dibs on him and his collar...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ah, wtvoc, this was a lovely way to start my morning. Your articles are some of my favourites.

    ReplyDelete
  16. dear emibella-

    you KNOW i don't answer questions that don't get submitted to dearwtvoc@gmail.com .

    -wtvoc

    ReplyDelete
  17. dear wtvoc-

    Done and done.

    -Emibella (who is compiling cover songs when she should be writing, or doing laundry, or playing outside or ...)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I feel like I'm famous, now. Also, HAHAHA.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hello,

    Wonderful, per usual.

    Smellyia - EXCELLENT question! I couldn't help but chime in with my own ideas.

    1. Edward leaving Bella
    "Neon Golden" by The Notwist
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baMnKCaSqwk

    2. Bella's "empty" months
    "Another Little Hole" by Aqualung
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtoSwbvjREM

    3. Bella cliff jumping
    "Paint the Silence" by South
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBI0Rog7tcY
    (I have no idea who these people are, I couldn't find a better video.)

    4. Bella running to Edward
    "Rock Your Soul" by Elisa
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3JZUKcnb7s

    I heart Rachel Yamagata. "Be Be Your Love" is one of my favorite songs.

    As usual, thank you for writing,

    jmeyer

    ReplyDelete
  20. Dirty Uncle WTVOC please don't ever leave us!

    ReplyDelete

Spread The Word