Saturday, April 4, 2009

Column: Ask Dirty Uncle WTVOC

While our favorite uncle is no longer dishing out the advice without guidance -- she is answering all your questions -- YES, ALL OF THEM.

So come on and Ask WTVOC what's on your mind ;).

Dear wtvoc:
"Who do you think you are?" or "What gives you the right?"
-a friend of rachel’s

Dear FoR:
I’m Lloyd Dobler.

No, really. Who do I think I am? Many things. But who do I think I am, to be so bold as to write this brand spanking new “ask wtvoc” column? Someone who has a smart ass answer for everything, that’s who.

You guys responded to my questions challenge, but there’s no way I can answer them all today. But keep ‘em coming, please. I even promise to have the occasional serious answer. But it’s tough when I get questions like this:

Dear dirty uncle wtvoc,
Sometimes when I'm reading a story and the characters are dancing the horizontal (or sometimes vertical) mambo I get this weird tingly feeling running through me. Is that normal? Also, I find myself imagining Peter Facinelli and myself in the scenes. Sometimes Rob joins us too just to spice it up. Should I seek some sex counseling or treatment?
xo Nina

Dear Future Founder of DDA (Dr. Daddy Anonymous):
I would, without hesitation, tell you that if you’re reading a sexytimes scene in a fic and you don’t get a weird tingly feeling… that it ain’t been written right. But it’s mos. def. normal.

Reviewing and telling the author that you changed your underoos a few times while reading, however, is not-so-norm. But fear not. Those who write dirty, gritty, sweaty sex are used to it.

As for your fantasies… I’d say the best counseling you could partake in is to keep a dream journal. Then send it to your dirty uncle, preferably in .pdf format. . JS.

Dear wtvoc:
How big is Rob's love stick? I know you know, so spill it. I need S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C-S. Never in my life have I cared so much about another man’s junk, but seriously, I care. I know I probably won't be the only one asking this question. :)

Dear fellow west coaster: Actually, dear many of you:
Why are you all so sure I am privy to this information? For one thing… penises are weird. Go Google Images “penis” and stare at it for about thirty seconds. Cut, uncut, I don’t care. WEEEEEIRD.

Also, we have pictorial evidence that Rob tucks and I just can’t think about how the man is hung right now. I’ll think about it later, though. Extensively.

PS- please, keep asking this question. I’d like to have the constant reminders to think about this question. Extensively.

Dear wtvoc:
Why do AU Edwardian penises twitch? I get why human edwardian penises twitch. But not vampire penises. They are built like steel and much more coordinated than regular wormy, human penises.....Why is that?
Love, halojones

Dear Goddess amongst fanfic mortals:
Dammit, you’re halo fucking jones. You too? I feel so betrayed. To answer your question… I don’t read AU or canon for a reason. Vampeen interests me not; I’ve never been keen on foreign objects touching my core or bundle of nerves. I like warm and fleshy (or wormy, to use your word), thanks. So cold and sparkly vampire schlong? DO NOT WANT. EVER. And you know I mean business because I used all caps. No, really. It’d be like having your BF wearing a strap-on that was like, kept in the freezer or something. Plus, I really take issue with the warm, moist flesh/cold vampeen thing. We’ve all seen a Christmas Story. Every hot-blooded American female knows what happens when you lick the pole. Somewhere in fanficland, ninapolitan has just incorporated that very thought into her dr. daddy/rob pattinson fantasy scenario.

Dear wtvoc:
If you were edward, would you've changed bella? Because you wtvoc, are selfless and constantly more concerned about the welfare of others more than your own. You in edwards shoes is a much more difficult question to answer. I'd like a detailed response.

wtvoc: hmm that's tough. i like it.
jandco: i'm actually very curious about yer answer. you couldn't damn anyone yet, yer a romantic at heart.
wtvoc: i'm also selfish plus i don't see it as eternal damnation
jandco: not if it comes to hurting someone and no
wtvoc: edward's pretty fucking melodramatic
jandco: wait no. you HAVE to be in edwards shoes. you view it as damnation. if you were Edward.
wtvoc: okay still bella/jandco is my soulmate person i love more than i love myself. i'd change bella/jandco for one reason and one reason only it's what she wanted and who the fuck am i to deny her when i can so easily give?
jandco: because in yer pov, it means ruining a chance at eternal happiness. and you love hard.
wtvoc: it's the only way to love. if yer gonna do a thing, do it right.
jandco: so hard i think you couldn't utlimately destroy the one thing you love.
wtvoc: maybe i suppose i can't answer fully
jandco: cop out.
wtvoc: because i don't see in such boxed-in, black and white terms.
edward is very myopic. it's his tragic flaw.
jandco: indeed. but...yer in his pov. you have his outlook.
wtvoc: i know what i'm saying is i can't think in that way because to me, love trumps everything
jandco: awww
wtvoc: and i think he's like that, too. it's why he ultimately changes her
jandco: well, theres yer answer
wtvoc: against his better judgment
jandco: love trumps.
wtvoc: against his wishes against his everything. he could have let her die but he didn't because he's selfish just like me
jandco: but isnt loving something always fighting for their best?
wtvoc: when it came down to it he knew he couldn't live without her
and he could always fall back on the safety net of "it's what she wanted, anyway"
jandco: yes
wtvoc: so in front of god and jacob and everyone he nom nom nommed
got the fail BB sedated his jandco beyond coherence and got his deepest, darkest desire fulfilled
jandco: mmm
wtvoc: all at his own hand. selfish.
jandco: indeed.
wtvoc: just like me. the intentions are good
jandco: i wrote about it in antidote.
wtvoc: but it's always about what he/i want/s. that's cuz you were writing about me
jandco: yes. give up that husband and those kids for me.
wtvoc: now i want taco bell

Dear wtvoc pattinson,
Where does Robert live? I know he is within five miles of me, and I'd like to zero in so I can walk a dog past his house thirty times a day. He'll stop to pet the dog. We'll strike up a conversation. A few days later he'll remember me. The dog wags its tail. Rob & I go for coffee...I need a street name and some cross streets. STAT.
Much obliged,

Dear person I’m having coffee with tomorrow:
I’m glad I don’t know where the Rob lives because I like my life, and I don’t want my husband to accuse me of shirking my wifely duties. Also, Rob? If you’re reading this, you just ignore that sentence. I am, of course, speaking in jest. But you can send yer contact info to so that, you know, I can uhh forward any messages I may get through the blog to you. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on some primo fan mail or silly .gifs or anything like that. Really, Rob. I’m here for you.

dear wtvoc-
has target ever failed you before?

Dear Bullseye shopper:
Sadly, yes. I was just at the Target and not only did they take down the Creeper ceiling Edward cardboard thingies and not save me one, but they were out of my trail mix.

Still, it’s Target. It shall always sit on a pedestal in my book. Hush, Amelia. We all know you contracted the Bubonic plague there. That’s what you get for being so emo.

Smellyia/Amelia: Beware the consumption of the Bullseye. That is all.

Dear wtvoc:
Without reading all the stories out there (which strikes me as impossible), how do you avoid writing stories that have 'already been written'? I mean, within the fandom, all the stories link back to Twilight, so they all have something in common, but how do you avoid inadvertently centering your story on an idea that has already been done? Will someone 'report' you or accuse you of stealing?

Dear JJ:
This is a fantastic question. The short answer is you can’t. Some of you have heard this rant from me before, so take a flying lesson and get over it. There are no original ideas. None. Just creative ways to reword them. Someone recently took issue with one little element in Scotch- something about the footwear I had a character wearing. This person felt that it was a signature “thing” that her character did and was incensed that I would be so thoughtless as to use it. I have never even read that story. In fact, I chose to ignore all the PMs I got when said story was initially published since it was about a bet involving the same three players that Scotch had betting. My answer to the PMs was “We do not own bets, so lay off and don’t go around accusing people of stealing our ideas.” There’s a difference between copying/ripping an idea and straight-up plagiarism. I’ve been plagiarized, and it blows. Mostly because HOW DARE YOU. And while it sucks to have something that you pour your heart and soul into written somewhere else, it’s often not on purpose.

The thing any fic author needs to remember is that we, as a whole, are ripping off Stephenie Meyer’s original idea. And yeah, I had an issue with this early on when I started seeing Douche Edward everywhere after Saturday School started posting. I don’t own Edward, and I certainly (especially now, but not even back then) don’t own Edward acting like a tool. It was something that I had to deal with and I’ve just learned to absorb any copying or ripping and internalize my irritation or anger or whatever and not say a damned thing about it. I’ve stopped letting it bother me and now I just pity the persons who can’t find a creative bone in their body. But also- you need to remember that it’s entirely possible that the person who ripped from you really has never read your story. The thing is- you’ll never know, and you can rant and post author’s notes all you want, but really. What’s your recourse? You have none. There’s no fanfiction judge out there who can erase a story or compel an author to remove the copied element. You can PM them and politely request they do so, but they don’t have to. Plain and simple.

Someone posted a story also called Saturday School about the six Cullens spending a day in Saturday detention. I honestly believed her when she told me she had never even heard of our Saturday School. The reason I believe her is that she PM’d me, frantically apologizing and saying she was going to change her story title because she got a LOT of nasty PMs on “my” behalf, calling her a copycat and this and that. I felt so bad for her, and I felt kind of mad at the people who meant well, but dude. Can you imagine? Here’s this very nice girl who watched the Breakfast Club and decided to do a fic around it. See? Nothing’s original. It was no big deal to me, but it was obviously a big deal to the people who saw her story and got pissed.

Fanfiction readers are nothing if not rabid fans. I don’t let it out there too often, but I get the “I just read this story and guess what they did” email a lot. At first it hurt and I was all pissed and blah blah blah. Now I’ve become immune because I realize that there’s just no point in getting mad about it. If you know for a fact that the ripper is an avid reader of your stories, then at least you know. But when it’s someone else, you can’t know. So again, what’s the point? Just let it roll off of your back. And know that I, Kristen, will never, ever rip your ideas. It doesn’t interest me. I come up with enough original shit on my own, thanks.

I will never, however, forgive the person who stole my Welcome Home line. Never. That was just rude. And an actual case of plagiarism. I need a drink.

Dear wtvoc:
Oh geez - I feel a little strange writing to you. I was just reading the blog while watching March Madness and I saw the Dear wtvoc section and I couldn't resist writing and asking a question. Why do I feel strange you ask? Well, I read a lot of fan fic and I have lurked over on the twilighted boards a time or two but I usually don't come out of my lurkdom. I've never been one to chat on forums and such. But I'm familiar enough with your stories, and the blog, and the Eddie and Bellie awards to know that you spend a lot of time in the fandom and contribute a lot of time and energy to it. I mean, Scotch and Saturday School are Hall of Fame stories in my opinion. So my question for you is how the hell do you find time to write with a family and school? Do you sleep at all? Are you a vampire? Do you take amphetamines (don't answer that one)?

Dear lovely reviewer o’mine:
First off, thank you. I always love your reviews. Secondly: Writing fanfiction is my escapist entertainment. I make time for it, when possible. I sleep. About five hours a night. No, I am not a vampire. But I do sparkle in the sun (thank you, B&BW Vanilla Noir mixed with Benefit 24k gold dust). No meth. Just diet coke.

Dear Witvock,
How do collabs work with you and jandco? Do you do your chapters wholly exclusive of one another or do you brainstorm together before writing? How much input do you have into one another's chapters and ideas?
Been wondering this for awhile :)

Dear Dammit, Elle:
It’s like you don’t even love me.

Dear wtvoc:
Who is the celebrity you most resemble? (people tell me i remind them of dj tanner from full house--i just hope they don't mean the 12yr. old one)
What are you wearing? hehe

Do you and jandco have plans to meet in real life? on the podcast from a few weeks ago you and the girls were talking about filming it as you run towards each other, hair blowing in the cracked me the eff...and it makes me smile...maybe twilighted could sponsor the your trip to see each other and post it as a first anniversary feature. haha.

Dear Courtney Love:
Janeane Garafalo in Reality Bites. I even used to work at the Gap. Jeans, Christmas underwear, a black tshirt I got at Target for a buck, and a bright ass green hooded zip up sweatshirt. Oh, and my half of my and jandco’s BFF/lover heart necklace. Mine says “and so the lion fell”, hers says “in love with the lamb.” And no, I’m not making that up. We don’t ever take them off. Ask our husbands. The (heavy) necklace bops them in the nose whenever Mama takes a ride.

Yes. jandco and bittenev have every intention of taking the best road trip, ever, out to California. We’ll even tape it for you guys, promise. So Rob… send me those contact deets ASAP, please.

Dear Witvock,
I have this itch...

Dammit, Elle. Just… dammit.

Dear wtvoc:
If Robward Cullenson showed up at your house which one would you want it to be?
and you have to pick one and why you want that one. no hedging or mixing of wards.

Dear Mrs. Boreanaz:
I hate you a little bit for making me choose. I’m definitely going with Flannelward, though. Men should not be more high maintenance than me. Plus, I’d steal his flannel and wear it everywhere. The female Tomstu. I’d plaid it up with reckless abandon, and you could all have pics of me in yer photobucket accounts, making epic posts about how me, Rob, and Tom share the flannel and ooh, now I’m picturing some dirty, dirty images in my head.

And now for the gauntlet question o’ the week:

Dear wtvoc:
Scenario: Say you were given this life option of being the right hand lurker of the ROB (ala Tomstu) and you would experience all the things we gchat about -- smells, binges, greasey hair (hell, you had a SAY in how ROB did his hair) but there was a sacrifice. It would mean having to give up a one-time real life five mintute meeting with jandco. What do you do? Life as Tomstu or Five minutes face to face with jandco?
Oh and weigh the pros and cons before giving me your decision.
With all the emo love my black little heart has to offer

Dear person who is the MAN:
Here’s the thing. We all mess about and internet-stalk Robert Pattinson and make all sorts of dirty innuendo and not-so-subtle crass jokes about what we would do to him or how we’d get arrested making MacaRobward statues to assault him with at ComiCon (or maybe that was just me and halojones?), but here’s the thing.
Rob is the visual representation of an ideal. I don’t feel the same about Edward Cullen now as I did say… a year ago, when I first read Twilight.

In fact… if my blood were to sing to him, I’d probably punch him in the face.
Rob is, in fact, a young man who is pretty and alluring in that he seems genuinely “aw shucks” and flustered by his own popularity. I would mos. def. take him out for a drink and a laugh and flirt heavily because that’s how I do. I can make all the assumptions about his character that I want, all the jokes about his youth and seeming vitality, and I can project whatever sort of ideals onto his person that I want to, but the fact of the matter remains that I have never spoken to him. I don’t know what he’s like. I don’t know his quirks, his ticks; I don’t know what books he’s read or the music he listens to or what he’s like when he’s tired and cranky or how wonderful he can be when he’s not paying attention to it or his sense of humor or that he’s just a good fucking person or that he shares a love of art with me or any of the other zillion reasons why I’m so close to a person who unfairly lives on the other side of a large land mass from me and who I just know I will meet one day, and that right soon, no matter the obstacle.

Rob is a fun thing to talk about. Jandco is the real deal, a true friend. She could tell me right now that she’s never writing fic again and I’d be like, “So, wanna come over for dinner?”

The reasons we “got together” in the first place are irrelevant. To quote Edward (and I say this to her all the time, jsyk), she “is my life now.” No, really. I don’t feel right if we don’t talk every day. Even if it’s an “I miss you” text. She’s burrowed her tight little ass onto the bench of my heart in between my husband and my best friend. If, for some odd reason, I were given the actual opportunity to meet a nice young Englishman who I have a more-than-mild fascination for and my jandco, I’d pick her in a heartbeat, even if it were only for five minutes.
Now, I can tell you right now that she’d want me to pick Rob over her because I could take pictures and put him on the phone with her and all the other stuff that goes with it. She’s a good friend like that; she’d sacrifice her own shit so I could have some fun. But no. Jandco. A thousand times jandco.

Please, woman. Give me a harder question next time.

Smellyia: Good girl. Because I'd sell out a fool for a bowl of your adobo.

So, thanks to everyone who had a question for me. There’s a bunch I didn’t get to, but I promise… I’m answering all questions. So keep ‘em coming.
-your dirty uncle

withthevampsofcourse is a much put upon lovely woman who welcomes all with open arms (even when she shouldn't). If you haven't had the pleasure of reading her fic, being in her box or recieving a package filled with Brown goodies -- well then I feel for you all. She is jandco's attachment (you cannot purchase them seperately -- even at Target), part of bittenev's trifecta, half of fandom's beta and smellyia's formatting nightmare. We wouldn't have her snarky ass any other way.


  1. To go along with the possible "Lick the pole" fic that is now in the works. I'd also like to write one that has Bella's downtown julie brown the size of the Grand Canyon so that even with Rob's magical peen of might he can't possibly get any friction.

    I'm thinking blasphemous thoughts as well by having Eddie's shaft the size of a roll of quarters as opposed to being modeled after the great John Holmes

    I fear that not only will I be flamed but quite possibly thrown out of the fandom for this story.

    The working title you ask??
    Maybe that will be my next question for Dirty Uncle WtVoC

  2. No one should be laughing this hard at 6 AM on a Saturday.

    Is it wrong for me to say that I had a dream where I was in the car with Mr. P., and I was telling him "Look, Mr. P. (yes Mr. P)- I think you're a wonderful piece of eye candy, but the truth is I don't know you at all. I don't know what you're like as a person. So, no, I won't go out with you. I don't think we'd get a long."

    He then picks up my ipod (because it rarely leaves my side and has a place in my life other people reserve for religious icons or pictures of their children) and breezes through my library and says to me "You like blue grass. I like blue grass. What else is there to know?"

    The car gets pulled over, needless to say...

    Thanks for starting my weekend off with a doopey smile. Now I have to go make crepes...

  3. Dearest WTVOC,

    That bit about Jandco at the end almost brought tears to my eyes, haha!

    Seriously, you two are so freaking cute together and I mean that in a strictly platonic friendly way (:-D). Maybe it's because I have met a friend like that through and I know what you mean when you say that your day would not seem right if you didn't speak to her. I think my fiancee might even be getting a tad bit jealous of me and Christina's (aka my hubby is no edward) love affair.

    I LOVED reading your responses, your humor makes me giggle and quite honestly I am kind of pissed off that I failed to notice that we were to send in questions for you to answer. What the hell was I doing that I somehow missed that little detail? Most likely being swallowed whole by my textbooks.

    Ultimately, I am in love with this blog. I might even consider marrying it if I could.

  4. Seriously Dirty Unlce, you make me smile and laugh frequently. Thanks for starting my Saturday off right. <3

    I enjoyed all the questions and answers. Please keep in mind that I asked that questions before "Tuckgate". I know there were many scarred by that, but I am moving on. And I still care. Heh. I have seen the mans feet, so I guess that is enough for now.

    And thank you halo for asking another penis question. Very funny one indeed.

    Nina and Killian, your comments are win.
    live720, I agree, jandco and wtvoc are too sweet for words.


  5. I have this crazy need to write you insane amounts of questions in hopes that you'll answer one of them next time.

    Is this normal?

    (And no, that's not the question you get to answer in your column.)

    Thanks for making me laugh, even though it hurt my cough-ravaged lungs to do so. I think I just might read this again, it's that funny.

  6. Dirty Uncle,

    You astound me. I loved this. Hard. I can't really figure out how to say it more eloquently than that.

    Bravo to all of you question askers. I was hoping there would be a mix of the ridiculous in with the serious. You definitely did not disappoint.

    Nina - I would read that fic in a heartbeat. You'd get nothing but love from me, for a fic that features Bella's tongue getting stuck to a frozen peen.

    Thank you for writing. Keep up the fantastic snarkiness. I'll be reading.


  7. WTVOC if you resemble janeane garafalo in RB then i think i might have an even BIGGER ecrush on you than before. i am still waiting for troy dyer to come sweep me off my long as he got permission from the boyfriend first ofc! i love love love that movie and seeing it referenced makes me gush.



  8. now, everytime i read a fic where edward's peen twitches, i giggle.

  9. This was freaking hysterical. People think I'm the crazy insane woman who laughs at her computer programming at work now. Who finds it so funny in fact that she is wiping the tears of laughter off of her keyboard.

    This question thread is genius. Pure genius.

    Halojones deserves mad props for the twitching peen question. I bow to you for that one, that is what started the crazy woman/tears on the keyboard phenomenon.

    I really need to spend the next few days trying to come up with a decent question.

  10. best. blog. ever.
    i laughed. i cried. i laughed some more. i made sweet little cooing noises.
    like that.


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