Monday, March 29, 2010

GuestEssay: Greeen Goldfish Shows Us Her Mounds

Is that Pronounced "Cl-ih-shay" or

Greeen Goldfish

My mission that I misguidedly
chose to accept in agreeing to
write this column, is to discuss
fandom clichés in a way that is
“silly, lighthearted, and not


I scoff because I know that every
time this topic comes up in discussion in
this fandom, I cringe to next year. Why?
Because I am an author. And I know many
of you are, too. And let’s face it: we’ve all done it. We’ve all succumbed to the temptress that is describing Bella’s eyes as “chocolate orbs” or Edward’s as “emerald green.” Or perhaps for you it was having Rosalie release a breath “she didn’t realize she was holding.” Or—holy-mother-of-all-cliches—maybe you mentioned the Kings of Leon. Then you’re REALLY fucked. So how in the fuck am I supposed to talk about clichés in a non-controversial way? Without a bunch of authors getting butthurt?

Now, I am one of those annoying people who does not read very widely in this fandom. Name a fic and I probably haven’t read it. In fact, I was resistant to writing this column at first because I felt woefully underqualified. But then I remembered that I actually DO know all of the fandom clichés because you assholes bitch about them constantly. (And I use the term ‘assholes’ in the most endearing way possible, I assure you.) Also, if you’re an author, this means that you cannot get butthurt because I probably haven’t read your fic, so I’m probably not talking about you! I mean…I guess maybe the people I heard talking about these clichés were talking about you, and then maybe there’s some kind of transitive property involved and you can get butthurt anyway. Since we all know if anyone is going to get butthurt by an attenuated slight that may or may not have been about them, it is twific authors. I KNOW BECAUSE I AM ONE, OK? I’M GETTING BUTTHURT JUST LISTENING TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

Sooooo. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? You know what I really want to do? I want to give some examples of cliché-avoidance gone awry. You know what I’m talking about—when an author uses some word or turn of phrase that makes you got ‘WTF?’ so bad that your brain has whiplash. Like when instead of describing Bella’s eyes as chocolate someone describes them as “the color of dried mud on a pick up truck after a rowdy night of going muddin’.” (I totes made that one up, guise, OK? And PS: I’m copyrighting it.) Those get ridiculed even more than the clichés. Or even more cruelly, perhaps. Or maybe it just seems more cruel because that’s when an author is really going out on a limb and writing something original themselves. Except I can’t talk about these here because—yeah---massive butthurt.

Alright, so I did a poll. Lettuce discuss some of these bad boys. I’m going to start with the smutty ones because we all know those are the lulziest and—let’s be honest—you might lose interest in this column and flounce it before we run through the entire list.

Heated core: By far the best comment made about this one was, “[it] makes me think of...magma or something scientific.” However, this particular commenter and I then got distracted and started talking about Ben and Jerry’s. (I don’t know how that happens.)
Pooling of liquid between thighs: I believe the comment was “OMG. EW.” But the best part about the “pooling liquid” was its counterpart, which I had never heard of….The weeping cock: What? I obviously don’t read enough smut. I would definitely remember this one. I just…I dunno…I picture Romeo whispering sweet nothings to Juliet on the balcony and saying, “My cock—it weeps for you.” But I LOVE this cliché, because after telling me about it, someone directed me to THIS: What is that, you ask? That is a livejournal community dedicated to nothing but quotes from lulzy smut.

Oh shit—I totes shouldn’t have given you that link because now you are all reading about “The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male” instead of this column.


Oh hai. Thanks for returning. Now let’s run through a few more real quick:

Slits: This makes me think of paper cuts.

Folds: This makes me think of yeast infections. I don’t know why. I guess because that’s where the yeast grows. TMI? Yeah, I know.

Wet pussies: This one is pretty straightforward. This is where I will say, I don’t really read much smut and I don’t write it, but I kind of admire writers who do. I don’t know how they do it. It has to be pretty difficult. Especially when there’s really NOT many ways to refer to weeping cocks and wet pussies that don’t make people laugh or don’t make the reader got ‘wtf.’ Let’s face it—writing smut is HARD. Which brings us to…

Hard cocks (sometimes they even get impossibly harder): Again, pretty straightforward. Should we really be criticizing? (SPOILER ALERT) That’s what happens. Cocks get hard. Do we really want fanfic authors reaching for alternatives, like “The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male?” I don’t know. Something to ponder.

Shafts: This one makes me think of elevator shafts. Then I think of that movie Speed. Remember in the beginning they got caught in the elevator shaft? I used to be in love with Keanu Reeves. Before I realized he couldn’t act. But still—Jack Traven’s elevator shaft is always welcome in my wet pussy. Just sayin’.

Mounds: Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t. (OH MY GOD. I JUST NOW REALIZED HOW FILTHY THAT SLOGAN IS.)

Bundles of nerves: Again, this one seems overly scientific to me. I think of nerve endings. But then I try to imagine a bundle of them, and they somehow look like a bundle of twigs and sticks or some shit…only fleshy. I DON’T KNOW, OK?

Dripping….well just about anything drips, apparently: Sometimes I feel like we could go swimming in a sea of Bella and Edward love juices. They seem to be leaking quite a lot.

…And now I need a shower.

OK, so all of those were describing the actual mechanics of teh sexin’, right? What about when the actual sex act itself is a cliché? Apparently there are quiet a few of you who are sick of:

Butt secks: Maybe you guys are just confusing what you’re sick of in fanfic with what you’re sick of in real life?

Bella losing her virginity: How come Bella’s always the virgin, huh? At least in canon they’re both still virgins. And why the devil do we still care? Is this 1893? Are we writing Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman fanfic? (I am not going to open the whole can of worms about this being teenagers many people are writing about. PSA: Hold onto your V-cards kids. At least until you’re ready. But when I was 11, I totes woulda given my V-card to Sully. Just sayin’.)

Bella orgasms on command: Fuck, man. If only.

Edward’s 15 inch dick: Fucking ouch, man. Please refer to this:

And what about the non-smutty stuff.

(OMG, I can feel you guys flouncing right now.)

Chocolate orbs: Well at least this makes Bella’s eyes more appetizing to me than her freesia-scented blood. Who the fuck wants to eat freesia, anyway?

Emerald eyes: Is that really the only green thing we can come up with? What about grass? What about Heneiken bottles? What about asparagus? ... OK, maybe we should stick to emerald. (Or maybe it’s a good thing I never try to describe people’s physical features in my fics.)

Letting out a breath you didn't know you were holding: I’ve totes used this one. Worse still—I totes used this one even after I had been in the fandom long enough to know better. Is this one in the books? Where does it come from? I DONUT KNOW.

Bridal style: Dudes, I’ve heard people bitch about this one so much, but I had no idea what it was. I had to ask. I was imagining a really freaky sex position. I was so disappointed when I found out it was just Edward carrying Bella across the threshold.

Chagrin: OK, THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF. JUST BECAUSE SMEYER ABUSED THIS WORD DOESN’T MEAN I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO USE IT ONCE EVERY 150K WORDS OR SO. IT IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE PART OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. SO STEP OFF. (See how butt hurt I can get?) But yeah. Apparently fic authors abuse it, too? Or maybe we just notice it every time we see it because Smeyer abused it so much? Either way, I think it’s intriguing that a word can make the leap like that from canon to fanfiction. Do fanfiction authors not read anything other than the Twilight Saga? Does their vocabulary only extend as far as Smeyer’s? (Don’t answer that.)

Pixie Alice, vibrating Alice, Bella Barbie: Now, are these really annoying because they’re clichés or are they just annoying because they’re annoying? Don’t we all want to punch pixie Alice in her pixie face just a little? Not because she’s common but because she’s a god damn pixie?
Also, authors: there were some things that some readers wanted me to pass along to you. Namely:
  • Denali is a place in Alaska, not a last name. Also, it is not a city. It is a park.

  • It does not snow in Forks in June. (Oh wait, that one was for Smeyer, not you guys.)

  • Port Angeles (and Forks) are not huge urban metropolises with loads of places for Pixie Alice and Bella Barbie to shop and get coffee.

  • Texans do not say ‘darlin’’.

  • Abusive boyfriends are not hot.

  • Most straight men don’t know the difference between Gucci and Prada and certainly don’t describe a Fendi handbag in great detail in their inner monologues when eye fucking a girl.

But, dear authors, here is my advice to you: Don’t sweat it if your fic has a cliché or two. It happens. Also, I find readers complain about things that are canon being cliché a lot, but that’s the whole point of canon, right? You’re never going to please everyone. However, if you take one thing from this column, remember this:

Alien sex is never cliché.

(Now let’s all cross our fingers that the TLYDF ladies are feeling momentarily insane and are actually going to link the ET gif I’m providing.)

MOD EDIT: We love you GG....but Alien Porn on a Monday AM is always cliché.


  1. I would just like to say a huge thank you to the mods for editing out the alien porn gif. I've seen it - it ain't pretty. Thank god someone had the sense to put a stop to her dirty smut peddling...

  2. I just realized my expectations regarding penises are statistically low.

    Well, that's embarrassing.

    I'm pretty certain I'll never be able to read smut again without thinking back to something like yeast infections or paper cuts to my lady parts.

    Hilarious article, and so spot-on. And so true that most of us have done them. This is why I don't get the butthurt whenever I mock a cliche in public. I'm usually mocking it because I did it myself in the past and am only just realizing how very lulzy it really was. Which is an awesome thing, btw. You have to be able to laugh at yourself.

    "Texans do not say ‘darlin’." (Unless they're a little limp in the wrist, in which case, this isn't limited to any location...)

    Thanks a MILLION TIMES for mentioning this. My biggest Jasper peeve.

    I had no idea KoL had become a cliche! Wow, I'm so behind the times. This is why you SHOULDN'T EVER NAME TRENDY BANDS OR NAME BRANDS IN YOUR STORIES.

    Unless you're wtvoc or Jandco.

    They get an A+ humor/pop-culture pass.

    Thanks H for editing out the alien porn. It's too early for that.

    brb procrastinating for the next week on the weepingcock LJ comm..

  3. Oh my god. Had me snickering in my 9 am class.

  4. I think I am still stunted from the Alien Porn...the saline was weeping from my emerald orbs (which are really more like the color of army fatigues, but just doesn't sound as good).



    Please tell me people are just stupid and don't know what circumference is...

    I really do refuse to believe that most women feel like giving birth on a regular basis is a satisfying sexual experience.

  6. Circumference of a penis is 2pi r. So a 6 inch circumference comes out to a penis with a diameter of almost two inches. That's pretty girthy. Girthy, my friends.

  7. Hahahaha vagclaps for you \O/

    We all must laugh, for we all have partaken in the cliches. Sometimes I think they are like a virus, where you're exposed to enough and eventually you're going to sneeze out a bridal style or orb.

    Original, inventive writing will always stand on its own, and I think in the best writing, you wouldn't even realize you read a cliche bc the imagery would overpower it. But it can't be forced.

    Anyway, hilarious thoughts, and thank you for the helpful visual aids (the chart, not the alien pr0n). ^_^

  8. *Lets out breath I didn't know I was holding* - This just made me laugh so many times, especially the weeping cock. I mean, how much does it weep? Will there be flood warnings?

    Also, Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman is win. It was always on in my house when I was younger. I used to give myself mental wrist slaps ala 'Swirl and Daisy' style when I had pervy thoughts about Sully.

  9. Texans do not say darlin'

    AMEN this is like a fic cockblock for me. Nothing annoys me more than the D word being dropped by Jasper. Use it more than twice in a chapter and I'm flouncy mcflouncerson.

    Double Amen to the juices, Edward's unnaturally large peen. I mean bigger isn't better ladies.

    "Come for me" and kaboom. Please. I wish it was that fucking easy.

    Devikalika made me a pic with sparking melon orbs, because there was a fic that referred to him as such. She used the Robador with the tuck to do so. I can't read anything about eyes and orbs without seeing that photo, which was disturbing at best.

    Here is my ultimate gag inducing line item: "thick ropes of cum". Holy Mary mother of God, who comes in "thick ropes"? I mean do you really want to try to gag that shit down your throat? I hope Bella is a spitter. Can said thick ropes strangle you if he is giving you a pearl necklace?

    Weeping cocks is up there, why are they crying, they are about to enter the holy land.

    Also, if your man makes enough precum to sustain a handjob without friction, I suggest he get that shit checked out.

    Thanks for a laugh.

  10. "weeping cock" *snicker* I have never heard that before (and hopefully I never will again lol). I didn't realize that KoL had become cliche. Glad I didn't mention the lyrics that inspired my o/s.
    I think I mention Alice vibrating with excitement. I like pixie/vibrating Alice. :D
    I had a beta who said my canon stuff was cliche. I was "o_O It's supposed to be relateable. Like, 'OMG,that's in the books!:D'"
    But srs bsns ppl, the article was very spot-on. It was witty and all kinds of awesome. And I like the little parting note too; it's okay to have a cliche or two (not 200, but two is okay).
    On a more naughty note: good to know I'm in the majority on what is an enjoyable penis size. ;)

  11. Dude, I am dying. This was... fabulous.

    Thank you for addressing the "darlin'" issue. HE NEVER EVEN SAYS IT IN THE BOOKS. IT'S ALL JUST... MADE UP. TOUGH WARRIOR, PEOPLE, TOUGH WARRIOR.

    I also like the note about Dude POV not describing purses and whatnot. They're lucky if they know their own sock color. Unless they're talking about underwear that's standing between their girthy endowments and the holy land, they probably won't notice or care.

    Good stuff. Thank you for writing for us!

  12. Awesome article, and so damn true! Made me think of my two (not) favorite cliches...or maybe they're factual errors? Well, if people are using them repeatedly then they're both, right?

    1. Seattle is not fifteen minutes from Forks

    2. Pre-cum, no matter how copious and slippery, is not adequate lube for buttsecks. Unless someone has figured out how to make hemorrhoids sexy, that is. Rawr!

  13. Oh my god this was absolutely hilarious. I loved it. I think you managed to address these issues in a perfectly hilarious and non-controversial way. It’s nice to see Twi authors be able to laugh at themselves a little bit. I’m woefully guilty of using some clichés – some before they were so obviously clichés, and some after. And like you said, it happens... we need to be able to look back and laugh about it. I have yet to use weeping cock though, and I think I’d like to rectify that immediately. It’s one of my faves.

    Brilliant article, thanks for the lulz.

  14. Am I mad that I didn't know about that weeping cock community? Yep. (Consider that "p" popped.)

  15. So this 6.25-6.5" circumference thing has been bugging me all day. "ideal"? for a porn star maybe.

    I measured, my wrist is 6.5 in circumference. MY WRIST. I'm not a small gal either. I mean I don't have man wrists or anything but they are not dainty and they are definitely not the size of any peen I want "begging for entrance".

  16. Okay, after looking over everyone's comments on the ideal peen size chart, I realize that I may have read it wrong. I'm more in the "enjoyable" range than "ideal". Who the hell thinks having reverse labor is ideal? No thank you, keep that monster away from my nah-nah.

  17. His eyes were like bottomless Heineken bottles... Made of WIN!

  18. Fantastic :) The peen chart kinda scares me....

    Ok and I feel kinda sad... my inlaws are from Texas and they say "Darlin'" but they are total rednecks. :/

    K :D

  19. Some cliches are alright, as long as they fit the story or situation and as long as they are not overused in the particular story being read. For instance, "the sky is blue." I've read that a million times. Doesn't stop it from being a true or succinct statement. But some cliches are annoying because they are inaccurate or silly to begin with, such as the guy's cock being as big as a branch, Bella orgasming on command, and (my personal peeve) eyes rolling back in the head as a sign of arousal or pleasure. That just sounds silly. I can see eyes closing or eyes becoming heavy-lidded (all descriptions used in fiction many times), but rolling?

  20. Well said, all. You gave me great lulz. (But no orgasm, as I am not fanfic Bella.) The smut cliches are esp funny, tho I tend to notice them less with a really talented author. Will never think of Mounds and Almond Joy in the same way. Eww.

  21. This was one of the funniest things I've read. 9 inch peni are overrated. I'm a small girl, keep that shit away from me.

  22. OK, now that I've wiped the tears from my eyes enough to see the key board...(the comments were about as funny as the article!)
    The egregious amount of flowing, pooling, dripping juices has always annoyed me (to the extent that I had to write a smut shot myself!) but it occured to me that it's all due to the disparity of 'parts sizes': EVERY twat's as tight as a chinese finger puzzle but can easily accommodate a peen the size of a fire extinguisher! It's all cuz Ms. Lucky can fill a mop bucket with her own secretions - then Lover Boy's cum shot propels her into the next county...plainly, I've been missing a lot in this life! <><3

    PS: Isn't "weeping cock" kinda like "drippy dick"? An STD for frak's sake!?!


    I'm not a Twilight fanfic writer (yet), but I'm a regular reader, and LOL at all the cliches you just mentioned. They are so, so, so true.

    Will keep this in mind if I ever decide to write for Twilight too. Cheers xo

  24. This was hilarious...I love greeengoldfish. So witty. :)


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