GuestEssay: Greeen Goldfish Shows Us Her Mounds

Is that Pronounced "Cl-ih-shay" or
"Cl-ee-shay"?

Greeen Goldfish

My mission that I misguidedly
chose to accept in agreeing to
write this column, is to discuss
fandom clichés in a way that is
“silly, lighthearted, and not
controversial.”

HA.

I scoff because I know that every
time this topic comes up in discussion in
this fandom, I cringe to next year. Why?
Because I am an author. And I know many
of you are, too. And let’s face it: we’ve all done it. We’ve all succumbed to the temptress that is describing Bella’s eyes as “chocolate orbs” or Edward’s as “emerald green.” Or perhaps for you it was having Rosalie release a breath “she didn’t realize she was holding.” Or—holy-mother-of-all-cliches—maybe you mentioned the Kings of Leon. Then you’re REALLY fucked. So how in the fuck am I supposed to talk about clichés in a non-controversial way? Without a bunch of authors getting butthurt?

Now, I am one of those annoying people who does not read very widely in this fandom. Name a fic and I probably haven’t read it. In fact, I was resistant to writing this column at first because I felt woefully underqualified. But then I remembered that I actually DO know all of the fandom clichés because you assholes bitch about them constantly. (And I use the term ‘assholes’ in the most endearing way possible, I assure you.) Also, if you’re an author, this means that you cannot get butthurt because I probably haven’t read your fic, so I’m probably not talking about you! I mean…I guess maybe the people I heard talking about these clichés were talking about you, and then maybe there’s some kind of transitive property involved and you can get butthurt anyway. Since we all know if anyone is going to get butthurt by an attenuated slight that may or may not have been about them, it is twific authors. I KNOW BECAUSE I AM ONE, OK? I’M GETTING BUTTHURT JUST LISTENING TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW.

Sooooo. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? You know what I really want to do? I want to give some examples of cliché-avoidance gone awry. You know what I’m talking about—when an author uses some word or turn of phrase that makes you got ‘WTF?’ so bad that your brain has whiplash. Like when instead of describing Bella’s eyes as chocolate someone describes them as “the color of dried mud on a pick up truck after a rowdy night of going muddin’.” (I totes made that one up, guise, OK? And PS: I’m copyrighting it.) Those get ridiculed even more than the clichés. Or even more cruelly, perhaps. Or maybe it just seems more cruel because that’s when an author is really going out on a limb and writing something original themselves. Except I can’t talk about these here because—yeah---massive butthurt.

Alright, so I did a poll. Lettuce discuss some of these bad boys. I’m going to start with the smutty ones because we all know those are the lulziest and—let’s be honest—you might lose interest in this column and flounce it before we run through the entire list.

Heated core: By far the best comment made about this one was, “[it] makes me think of...magma or something scientific.” However, this particular commenter and I then got distracted and started talking about Ben and Jerry’s. (I don’t know how that happens.)
Pooling of liquid between thighs: I believe the comment was “OMG. EW.” But the best part about the “pooling liquid” was its counterpart, which I had never heard of….The weeping cock: What? I obviously don’t read enough smut. I would definitely remember this one. I just…I dunno…I picture Romeo whispering sweet nothings to Juliet on the balcony and saying, “My cock—it weeps for you.” But I LOVE this cliché, because after telling me about it, someone directed me to THIS: http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/. What is that, you ask? That is a livejournal community dedicated to nothing but quotes from lulzy smut.

Oh shit—I totes shouldn’t have given you that link because now you are all reading about “The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male” instead of this column.

COME BACK.

Oh hai. Thanks for returning. Now let’s run through a few more real quick:

Slits: This makes me think of paper cuts.

Folds: This makes me think of yeast infections. I don’t know why. I guess because that’s where the yeast grows. TMI? Yeah, I know.

Wet pussies: This one is pretty straightforward. This is where I will say, I don’t really read much smut and I don’t write it, but I kind of admire writers who do. I don’t know how they do it. It has to be pretty difficult. Especially when there’s really NOT many ways to refer to weeping cocks and wet pussies that don’t make people laugh or don’t make the reader got ‘wtf.’ Let’s face it—writing smut is HARD. Which brings us to…

Hard cocks (sometimes they even get impossibly harder): Again, pretty straightforward. Should we really be criticizing? (SPOILER ALERT) That’s what happens. Cocks get hard. Do we really want fanfic authors reaching for alternatives, like “The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male?” I don’t know. Something to ponder.

Shafts: This one makes me think of elevator shafts. Then I think of that movie Speed. Remember in the beginning they got caught in the elevator shaft? I used to be in love with Keanu Reeves. Before I realized he couldn’t act. But still—Jack Traven’s elevator shaft is always welcome in my wet pussy. Just sayin’.

Mounds: Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t. (OH MY GOD. I JUST NOW REALIZED HOW FILTHY THAT SLOGAN IS.)

Bundles of nerves: Again, this one seems overly scientific to me. I think of nerve endings. But then I try to imagine a bundle of them, and they somehow look like a bundle of twigs and sticks or some shit…only fleshy. I DON’T KNOW, OK?

Dripping….well just about anything drips, apparently: Sometimes I feel like we could go swimming in a sea of Bella and Edward love juices. They seem to be leaking quite a lot.

…And now I need a shower.

OK, so all of those were describing the actual mechanics of teh sexin’, right? What about when the actual sex act itself is a cliché? Apparently there are quiet a few of you who are sick of:

Butt secks: Maybe you guys are just confusing what you’re sick of in fanfic with what you’re sick of in real life?

Bella losing her virginity: How come Bella’s always the virgin, huh? At least in canon they’re both still virgins. And why the devil do we still care? Is this 1893? Are we writing Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman fanfic? (I am not going to open the whole can of worms about this being teenagers many people are writing about. PSA: Hold onto your V-cards kids. At least until you’re ready. But when I was 11, I totes woulda given my V-card to Sully. Just sayin’.)

Bella orgasms on command: Fuck, man. If only.

Edward’s 15 inch dick: Fucking ouch, man. Please refer to this:

And what about the non-smutty stuff.

(OMG, I can feel you guys flouncing right now.)

Chocolate orbs: Well at least this makes Bella’s eyes more appetizing to me than her freesia-scented blood. Who the fuck wants to eat freesia, anyway?

Emerald eyes: Is that really the only green thing we can come up with? What about grass? What about Heneiken bottles? What about asparagus? ... OK, maybe we should stick to emerald. (Or maybe it’s a good thing I never try to describe people’s physical features in my fics.)

Letting out a breath you didn't know you were holding: I’ve totes used this one. Worse still—I totes used this one even after I had been in the fandom long enough to know better. Is this one in the books? Where does it come from? I DONUT KNOW.

Bridal style: Dudes, I’ve heard people bitch about this one so much, but I had no idea what it was. I had to ask. I was imagining a really freaky sex position. I was so disappointed when I found out it was just Edward carrying Bella across the threshold.

Chagrin: OK, THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF. JUST BECAUSE SMEYER ABUSED THIS WORD DOESN’T MEAN I SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO USE IT ONCE EVERY 150K WORDS OR SO. IT IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE PART OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. SO STEP OFF. (See how butt hurt I can get?) But yeah. Apparently fic authors abuse it, too? Or maybe we just notice it every time we see it because Smeyer abused it so much? Either way, I think it’s intriguing that a word can make the leap like that from canon to fanfiction. Do fanfiction authors not read anything other than the Twilight Saga? Does their vocabulary only extend as far as Smeyer’s? (Don’t answer that.)

Pixie Alice, vibrating Alice, Bella Barbie: Now, are these really annoying because they’re clichés or are they just annoying because they’re annoying? Don’t we all want to punch pixie Alice in her pixie face just a little? Not because she’s common but because she’s a god damn pixie?

Also, authors: there were some things that some readers wanted me to pass along to you. Namely:

• Denali is a place in Alaska, not a last name. Also, it is not a city. It is a park.


• It does not snow in Forks in June. (Oh wait, that one was for Smeyer, not you guys.)


• Port Angeles (and Forks) are not huge urban metropolises with loads of places for Pixie Alice and Bella Barbie to shop and get coffee.


• Texans do not say ‘darlin’’.


• Abusive boyfriends are not hot.


• Most straight men don’t know the difference between Gucci and Prada and certainly don’t describe a Fendi handbag in great detail in their inner monologues when eye fucking a girl.
  

But, dear authors, here is my advice to you: Don’t sweat it if your fic has a cliché or two. It happens. Also, I find readers complain about things that are canon being cliché a lot, but that’s the whole point of canon, right? You’re never going to please everyone. However, if you take one thing from this column, remember this:

Alien sex is never cliché.

(Now let’s all cross our fingers that the TLYDF ladies are feeling momentarily insane and are actually going to link the ET gif I’m providing.)

MOD EDIT: We love you GG....but Alien Porn on a Monday AM is always cliché.