FandomFluff: Fresh Meat

Fresh Meat

By:

Hoosier Mama

“Hey, I’ve got something to tell you…I’m hooked on Twilight.”

My adrenaline spiked and I gasped loudly. Staring up at my friend and former work colleague, I said the first thing that came to mind as I looked at her earnestly.

“I’m so sorry.”

Then we both burst out laughing.

She dropped this bombshell on me while only her head was visible peering into my office cubicle. She disappeared to take care of work-related stuff, then came back to my desk to fill me in on her life since the last time we’d met.

“I knew you were into Twilight because of that hideous moment in the conference room. Do you remember?”

Oh. My. God. Kill me now. I think I actually groaned in response. Sheepishly I asked, “Were you still working here then? I don’t remember you being there.”

“Oh yeah…I was there.”

The hideous moment she was referring to had happened over a year ago when the entire office was gathered to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday. In between swallowing bites of cake, my colleagues, led by four women who had read the books at my insistence, started teasing me and criticizing Twilight. The teasing expanded to include my Mitch Hanson CD and how ridiculous I was for purchasing the Twilight-inspired music. I sat and seethed to myself and waited for the unwanted attention to switch to someone else at the table, anxious for the moment to end.

It didn’t.

When the taunting grew to include my boss and others around the table, people who obviously knew nothing of Twilight, I had reached my breaking point.

I’m proud to say I didn’t let my anger interfere with my good manners. I addressed two people and only two people in that room: the birthday “boy” and the one who had made the cake. I said “Happy birthday” to one and “thank you for bringing the cake; it was delicious” to the other before gathering all my stuff and walking out of the room to deafening silence.

What transpired in the conference room after I left is a mystery; however I do know that the word, “Twilight” was never again uttered by me or any of my colleagues in my presence. It was taboo.

Until now.

“That was painful to witness.”

My friend spoke and brought me back to the present. Anxious to forget that long-ago embarrassment, I asked her what convinced her to read the books. I had mentioned them to her back then, but she didn’t seem interested so I hadn’t pushed. She was a prolific reader, more so than even I used to be, but I also knew her taste in books; I knew her kids were older than mine and Young Adult literature was simply not her thing.

So, we swapped our Twilight stories. Her two adult daughters had badgered her mercilessly, until over the holidays she had “devoured” Twilight in only two sittings. She said she needed to get work done around the house before she would let herself continue with the second book. I was impressed by her self-control and discipline; I always had admired her for that.

We talked about our enjoyment of a YA book being a “guilty pleasure”. We mockingly promised to keep our love of Twilight a secret and I was as excited and as happy as Domward with a new suede flogger. Finally, finally! Someone I respected, whose opinion really mattered to me saw what I saw when reading Twilight. I was ecstatic to have my beliefs and feelings justified.

We talked about other books for a while; she said she’d let me borrow some books she had just finished about Mr. Darcy that were filled with smut with a capital “S” (The Darcy Saga by Sharon Lathan) but first I had to promise I wouldn’t allow my 19-year old daughter to read them. (“She’s too young and they’re way too…mortifying!”) We laughingly agreed that smutty books were “porn for ladies our age”. She didn’t know I hadn’t read a book since my fanfiction obsession began.

Should I tell her? Dare I divulge my deepest darkest secret and share my obsession? After all it had taken well over a year to find someone who enjoyed Twilight like I had; why spook her by revealing an addiction to fanfiction? While my friend spoke, I waged an internal debate. I decided to tell her. I would be nonchalant. I took a deep breath and plunged ahead.

“Hey, after you’ve finished all four Twilight books, if you’re still hungry for more, ya know, Edward and Bella, I could introduce you to some really good smut-filled fanfiction…if you’re interested.” My heart raced. Would she take me up on that offer?

“Oh no! No way.” She wisely turned me down. She was way too put together, disciplined and self-controlled to start something that could easily take over her entire life…as it had mine. Like an addict offering an innocent friend a hit of their favorite poison, I mentally acknowledged her smart decision to “just say no” as we said our goodbyes.

I should let it go and just be happy to be able to claim one Twilight-loving friend in Real Life.

Besides, I thought impishly, it’s probably best to wait until she’s read all four books before I push fanfiction on her again.

I’m such a little devil.

So, what smutty fic would you recommend to a friend and fanfic virgin? I wanna be prepared…

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Hoosier Mama

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