Poor guy. He’s the runner up to the runner up – not even second place, as seen when he pukes his guts out at the movies in New Moon, while Bella enjoys a friendly snuggle with Jacob in the lobby. He’s a cliché: a friendly, unrelenting, and mildly clueless admirer of Miss Bella Swan, complete with metaphorical “wagging tale” and chivalrously covering her spot on the badminton court.
Lascivious Jack Ass
Even in a novel series lacking basic feminist principles, our author invites us to frown on Mike Newton’s tendency to diminish Bella’s personhood and penchant for viewing Bella as an object of lustful thoughts. (Of course, Edward himself is going to infantilize Bella and treat her as though she can’t make her own decisions, but I digress.) The reality is, Edward’s watchful gaze perceives things about Bella Swan that she herself--revealed in her narration of Twilight-- doesn’t know: she’s good, she’s selfless (she is?), she’s brave, etc. These are all things that Mike Newton can’t seem to pick up on, but he definitely notes that Bella’s pretty, she’s smart, she seems to like him, and she’s new. He is a teenage boy, after all.
Mike is really used by Stephenie Meyer as the “average” guy – the kind of guy that the Bellas of the world settle for, especially if they never meet an Edward, or even a Jacob. They’re okay…sort of. In canon, Mike is that lukewarm option that is neither hot nor cold, it just…is, but might just seem better than nothing at all. But, ah, fanfiction…the realm where an okay-but-not-spectacular guy can be transformed into a total douche!
In the predominant realm of All Human fics, the Twiverse has absorbed Mike Newton’s less likable qualities and amplified them, primarily for one of two effects: conflict or comedy. Mike is frequently found as either the catalyst to Bella’s self-discovery or simply around for comedic relief.
My favorite example of this type of Mike Newton is from
Deconstructing Dracula.” In the following quote, Mike pushes Bella just a little too far:
I crossed the living room as Mike’s law school buddies were chanting ‘Hail to the Victor” in anticipation of the football game.
Mike didn’t even realize I was in the room until I was at the door.
“Hey, are you headed for the library?” He called over his shoulder. He wasn’t looking in my direction. “If you see the pizza guy, can you give him a tip? I’m not sure where my wallet is.”
“No, Mike. I am leaving.”
“Okay, I’ll call you later.”
He was so distracted by his friends and the impending football game that he couldn’t pull himself away long enough to see I was carrying my backpack and my bag.
“Fuck you, Mike,” I muttered under my breath, and let myself out of the apartment.
There is something so vicariously exhilarating in watching door-mouse Bella grow a backbone and use it to jettison this kind of Mike Newton from her life. However, he’d piss us off more if we actually thought Bella would end up with him in the long run. Come on – he’s the Roy to Bella’s Pam: she’s not going to marry him.
Recently voted the Bellie Award for Best Use of Newton, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention
Boycotts and Barflies.” The scene where Mike tries to impress Bella with his dance moves is a classic example of this Newton, who’s sure he’s God’s gift to women:
I felt Mike 'accidentally' bump into me and grab my waist “Sorry.” He mumbled in my ear. I shuddered in disgust. I glanced over at Alice who chose to shoot Eric dirty looks to try and repel him, but he seemed to find it a turn on and moved closer to her, doing some horrible popping moves he saw in a music video I'm sure. Out of nowhere, Jasper appeared and scooped Alice up in his arms, and took her over to the safety of the bar. I, on the other hand, was left with mister touchy who continued leaning into me. When I felt his hand graze my rear, I snapped. Digging into my pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed.
I couldn't make out words through the laughter and gasps I heard, when Edward picked up. I was only standing 20 feet away, glaring at him while Mike stroked my hair. “Is...he...is he ...petting you now?” Edward gasped.
What can I say? He tries really hard. I’ve recently been laughing aloud at the antics of one Bella Swan in
feathersmmmm’s story “
Edward Wallbanger.” Here, Mike Newton’s lack of sexual prowess has cost Bella her much loved and longed for O. When she bumps into him at the sporting goods store, he tries to rekindle the romance:
“Wow, five percent. As much as that does sweeten the pot, I am gonna pass,” I chuckled.
“So Bella, when can I see you again? That night, damn. It was pretty fucking great huh?” he winked, and my skin begged me to tear it from my body and throw it at him.
“No. No Mike. And hell no.” I got out, the bile rising again. Flashes of in and out and in and out and in and out. My hoohah was beginning to shriek in its own defense. Granted, the two of us were not on great terms as of late, but nevertheless I knew how afraid my vajayjay was of being subjected to the jackrabbit again. Not on my watch.
“Oh come on baby, let's make some magic again,” he cooed. He leaned in, and I could tell he had sausage for lunch.
“Mike, you should know I am about to vomit on your shoes, so back the fuck up,”
He blanched and pulled back.
Oh man – it’s moments like that that make me love fanfic – where canon wrongs are righted and Bella gets to put him in his place!
Oxymoronic8’s stories? Because they are amazing, and her use of Mike as a foil for Bella, rather than Edward, is worth noting. In her story “
Innocent, Vigilant, Ordinary,” both Bella Swan and Mike Newton are simply teenagers, trying to make the best of things and figuring out how to be themselves. Sure, he’s relentlessly interested, but not in an abrasive way, as demonstrated in the following scene, where one can honestly feel sympathetic for Mike:
“Jessica says ‘hi,” I responded, just as casually. “Or technically, she said something involving you decomposing in hell, but the sentiment was still there.”
He groaned and locked up the cash register. Business had been slow for a Saturday, but that didn’t stop him from finding extra little chores for us to do around the store so I couldn’t skip out early like Mrs. Newton had told me I could at the beginning of my shift.
I whisked the broom across the floor, enjoying the sound of the bristles hitting the tile. “I think she misses you.”
I was probably breaking some rule in the Girl Code by voicing Jessica’s feelings, but I didn’t care; I needed him off my back. Ever since the hugging incident, Mike had been my shadow, guidance counselor, and social planner all rolled into one. I had it coming, but still—this needed to stop. And fast.
“She’s crazy. Like hide-in-the-bushes, watch-me-while-I-sleep crazy.”
I sighed. “She just likes you a lot."
The cyclical nature of the crushes in Oxy’s Alternate Universe story (Jessica likes Mike, who likes Bella, who likes Edward…) feels, well – authentic to the typical teenage experience. Even more sympathetic is the Mike Newton found in the gem of a one-shot Oxy’s published recently, “
We Were Nomads, Bathed in Concrete,” crying into his beer and reminiscing with Edward long after Bella is murdered. I guess I appreciate a flawed but believable Mike Newton, someone you’d want to hang out with (occasionally) and stay in touch with after high school, even if he does need to be reminded every now and then that friends is all you’ll ever be. Come on, he’s just Mike!
What Impossible Meansby
Bella Swan and Edward Masen have spent their whole lives together and Bella can’t imagine life without her best friend until a tragic car accident on a deserted stretch of highway steals him away. Four years later, the ghosts of her past resurface.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 22 - Words: 101,555 - Reviews: 1494 - Updated: 10-19-09 - Published: 3-1-09 - Bella & Edward
The Sweetest Thingby
Bella is quickly on her way to being a married woman, but what happens when she questions her commitment? AU, AH, OOC. Rated M for future chapters. Nominated for Best Alternate Universe Human WIP at the Indie TwiFic Awards.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 70,294 - Reviews: 288 - Updated: 10-14-09 - Published: 2-28-09 - Edward & Bella
Coming to Termsby
A one night stand, a handful of condom wrappers, and Bella decides she's meant to be alone. Fate has other plans. All human. Canon pairings.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 180,597 - Reviews: 8555 - Updated: 8-18-09 - Published: 10-30-08 - Bella & Edward
A House of Cardsby
Highly anticipated sequel to The Forbidden Room. Edward Cullen's life is a precariously built house of cards. What happens when two of the cards holding it up are now gone? Ex? - AU/AH - GRAPHIC LEMON ALERT
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 34 - Words: 97,231 - Reviews: 6249 - Updated: 9-22-09 - Published: 5-29-09 - Edward & Jasper
But Inside I'm Screamingby
Jessica Stanley must deal with keeping up appearances, her slutty mother, amazing/annoying friend/zombies, being chubby, having "pent up anger", and falling in like with someone she hates. MikexJess
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 17,790 - Reviews: 215 - Updated: 10-19-09 - Published: 11-26-08 - Jessica & Mike
A date gone bad, a car out of gas, & strange shadows in the dark. Evil is lurking in the town of Forks, and nothing is at it seems. Will Jessica make it home alive? Inspired by Michael Jackson's masterpiece. Part of The Thriller Series.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Horror/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,629 - Reviews: 5 - Published: 10-9-09 - Jessica & Mike - Complete
LoveForTheUnloved Contest Entry: Life sucks for Mike Newton, until an unexpected adventure brings him all he's ever wanted and more. Rated M for bad language and graphic sex. AU/AH/OOC/Mike x Bella
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,329 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 10-4-09 - Published: 9-25-09 - Mike & Bella - Complete
The only thing about him I was really sure of was his name. That and he's a vampire. But I could never bring myself to fear him. Why? Because I'd already given him my heart... Edward/Jasper, Renée/Esme, Alice/Bella, Riley/Rosalie, one-sided Mike/Jasper
Body and Soulby
Addicted To Edward
What if Bella Swan and Jessica Stanley switched bodies? Written for One Shot to Twilight's Freaky Friday Challenge - http://community.livejournal.com/os_twilight/2794.html
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 10344 [Reviews - 14]
New Moon. After Edward leaves, Bella is distraught and Charlie sends her to counseling. But Bella finds her own counseling in the form of Mike Newton. One Shot!
Complete - Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,258 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 3-20-08
The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE!by
Hilarity ensues when Edward comes back at the end of New Moon and he and Alice get Mrs. Cope to change their schedules to put them in Bella's gym class. How can they appear human when their superhuman athletic aptitudes keep getting in the way?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 74,292 - Reviews: 1780 - Updated: 3-9-09 - Published: 2-27-07