The Dirty Uncle returns for another week of sad attempts at humor

Aw. Did y’all miss me?

So, people keep wondering why I haven’t updated when I said I would (you disgusting fanfiction writer!) and why I’m never around and why why why. Lemme just address this real quick before hilarity ensues:

I simply haven’t been in more demand in real life since the summer of ’96. Sorry. By the time I sit down to write… it’s often the first time I’ve sat down all day, and it’s after 9pm.

Sometimes, your dirty uncle needs to watch her TiVo’d True Bloods, ladies.
Also, there was an auction for fanfiction back in April, and jandco and I have been working on our promised (2700 dollar, no pressure no pressure) entry… and it’s giving both of us a touch of writer’s block. We want auction!fic to be amazing, and we don’t want to post shit for our other stories.

Also, we want all this construction on my house to be over and done with so I can put my Queen Amidala action figure and her friend Wakko/Yakko/Dot on a tricycle back on my desk. It’s tough to channel Edward the Dick unless I feel like Natalie Portman’s judging me or something.

Alright, I’ll shaddap now. Sorry.

Wait, no I won’t. Holy effing ess, this is totally what I’m talking about. THANK YOU, GOOGLE IMAGES. I have the full set of these! I plan on selling them to pay for my kid’s college tuitions in 10 years:

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Dear um Dirty Uncle:

Hi, um I was like wondering if you could um like please explain to me why it is that I'm like hated by the um Twilight community. Everyone seems to like love Rob and the um rest of the cast, but when it comes to like um Taylor and me we are loathed. I'm like kinda perplexed as to um like why that is. I though I was like really good as Bella, but um I've like come to find out that like the fans seem to think otherwise.

Sincerely,

Kristen Stewart

Oh hi there, kstew-

Is that really you?

Somehow, I doubt it.

This doesn’t mean I won’t answer the question or anything.

Not everyone hates kstew. On the contrary, I think a lotta people dig her. Mostly the younger set, but still. Twilight has quite a lot of younger fans, no?

And guuuuurl, a lot of people like T.Laut. That’s just straight up true facts.

While I can’t speak for everyone (even though I often do), I actually like the Stew’s portrayal of Bella. Oh, sure- there’s a lot to mock, and don’t get me started on the unnecessary tubing going every which way in the hospital scene and janky nasal cannulas, but I sort of dig the way she did the whole Enlightened Naïve Girl thing. I’m no casting director, and I won’t pretend to know who should have played Bella but a 16-year-old wtvoc would’ve been marvelous, jsyk, but I’m not unhappy with the choice they made.

As for Taylor, well. He’s much too young for me, and there’s the Sharkboy factor that is a heavy nay against him. But he wasn’t bad in the movie. Except for the godawful weave.

And while we’re discussing the movie series, can we devote some time to this image right here, please?





Mr. Hale, what the… well, hale? Please to be explaining.

-wtvoc

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Dear WTVOC,
Okay, so I was reading your guide to reviewing, and when I got to the part of when you said that people saying, "Update! Update!" was annoying, I was like, yeah right. Any review is good.

So recently, I wrote a fan fic which has a chance of getting over fifteen reviews, and suddenly my inbox was full of people reviewing "update". I got maybe six reviews like that, and it pissed me off. So evidently they like my story, since they want me to update, but I don't know what they like, or what they don't like. Anyway, what should I do? Write an A/N note with the link to your guide on it? Teach them grammar or how to spell? SOS!!

~Me

Dear Yoo:

I’ve gotten many people who tell me they just link my article whenever someone leaves a rudity review, and I must say, this is a step, surely. But it’s also a little cold. You can always be more diplomatic, just so you know. Sending nothin’ but a link? That sends quite a message, and the message is “You’re an idiot, and I’m a bitch.”

I am glad that people are still reading the old, original wtvoc article, though. Apparently, it still gets hits. Good. Keep the message going strong.

Look, people will always send their “update soon”s. I still get them all the fucking time. ‘Specially since I don’t update anymore.

There’s a whole process attached to coming to terms with your reviews. At first you just want to break twenty; then you start craving them, and contemplating whether you should offer goods/services in exchange for them. Then you hit a certain number and you’re like “wow, life is good.” Then you get the flames. The bad ones. The awful PMs. More “UPDATE NAO”S than “Here’s why I like the chapter:”s.

Then you get where I am. Thankful to see a morning’s inbox worth of reviews, because that means people still read you and still care.

Do the demanding, rude ones still bother me? Fuck yes, they still do. But they bug me in the way that Cadillac Escalades or skinny pants bug me- enough that I notice and curl my lip in disgust, but I don’t egg the people that write/drive/wear them. Usually.

I guess what I’m saying is… you’ll just have to live with it. Pointing it out gets you shit, trust me.

-wtvoc

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dear uncle,

What would you do if in the New Moon flick, Rob suddenly has the abs and biceps of Taylor? I think it would be hot, you know, Robert Pattinson with those lickable...and...yummy.... *drools* ehem.. muscles.. *stares into Rob poster*

Do you imagine Rob as Edward when you read fanfics? or do you do some modification into Rob's face like airbrushing it in your mind?

Do you have any advice for me? I'm a self confessed addict in fanfiction. I read every single day.. I have college school work and everything but damn i cant resist reading. I even forgot about my story because i enjoy reading other's rather than writing my own. How can i not slack in my school work and enjoy fanfiction at the same time? I hope to God that I do not fail this semester.

I think my friends think i'm a perv or something because one time a friend asked me if I have read a good fanfiction lately, and I slipped and said I'm reading this smut-filled fanfic. Is there something wrong with it? lol.

I really, really want to read Sanctuary and know Priestward but everytime I read it, i always remember my childhood crush who just enetered the seminary. That totally killed my buzz. Do you think there's something wrong wth me? lol.

last question. =)
What will happen to a human if she swallowed vampire seed/ venom? will she turn into a vampire? What does venom taste like?

In Edward Cullen's hotness,
Kaiserin from the Philippines

Dear Brown-

First off, I don’t look at Taylor. It's like my friend's hot neighbor, who happens to be 15. I just can't do it. And Rob having those abs would be like Justin Timberlake with a Portuguese accent. Too much, and quite the unfair advantage over the other mortal males.

As for who plays Edward in my head while reading fic (err, when I read fic), he actually doesn’t have a face. I can see the hair- it’s kind of Rob’s, kind of not. More Rob as Rob than Rob as Edward. But I don’t actually have a person I see as Edward. Since I tend to read fics where he plays some sort of ideal, I try not to attach any specific person to that ideal because that’s just not nice for my husband to have to deal with.

For school, well. I’ve answered this before. Tsk. Pay more attention when your dirty uncle is lecturing you. You need to find a balance, or you won’t get an A. Plain and simple. It took me a semester, but it’s cool; I didn’t like that semester, anyway.

There’s nothing wrong with reading smut as long as you’re aware that smutfic is to women as porn is to men; very likely to give you the wrong idea if you’re a virgin.

You seem to keep asking me if something’s wrong with you. That’s something for you and your therapist to decide on his/her dollar; if you really want me to answer this, please paypal me the 500/hour fee I charge for such things: dearwtvoc@gmail.com .

Okay, last question: vamp!venom. You’re gross. I’d suspect vampire venom acts much like snake venom in that it acts to paralyze a person in order for the vampire to nom nom nom, and I’ve always maintained it tastes like the smell of Vicks VapoRub. But would it turn a person to a vamp? I don’t think so. Not unless the accompanying loss of human blood was there. All lore in the vampworld points to this- loss of human(ity) blood, influx of vamp blood. That much often doesn’t change.

-wtvoc

Okay, I won’t lie. Sometimes I see certain Rob pics and say shit like THAT’S FUCKING SCOTCH EDWARD, LOOK AT THAT DAMNED SMIRK. Kinda like here:

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dear uncle:

I have been in the fandom for a while and I try to talk to people but it seems like no one wants to talk to me cause I don't write any stories. I will not attempt to write cause I know I'm horrible at it. I've went on the temptation forums and there is a few people that will talk to me but not many. Even though I've posted like 70 posts on there no one really wants to converse. Twilighted forums I have an account on but it's majorly scary I've tried posting because some authors have told me too(I am an adament review. Review every chapter of every story I've ever read.) but once I start posting on twilighted it seems like everyones in their own disscussions already and they ignore me. Do you have any advice for me?


Sincerely,
Iwishiwasesme

Dear Ireadthatas”IwishIwasawesome”:

These days, it’s tough.

It seems like unless you’re an author yourself, it’s tough to get known in the Fandom. Doesn’t it?

There’s a bumper crop of blogs and websites that are twi-fic related, whether they’re on blogger or LJ or what. And not many of them are known all over the place, and the ones that are have some sort of reputation for being either “too big”, “too asshole what-the-fuckery”, “too pedantic”, “too superfluous”, and okay I made some of those up. But you know what I mean.

How does one get out there? It’s like dating, only harder because it’s so clique-y in these here parts.

You’ve gotta find your niche, man.

Twilighted/TemptationTwi not working? Well, there’s something out there that’s for you. There are hundreds of Twilight-related livejournal communities. I know, I belong to several. Try asking the authors you love where they go.

If all else fails, I’ll show you around some of mine. But you hafta promise to do some digging of your own first. y/y?

-wtvoc

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Dear Everyone's Favorite Dirty Uncle,

I'm having a problem. I've fallen hard for the whole Twilight fic fandom. Really hard. When I first started reading about three months ago, I told one person about it and I got burned a bit. Now, I find myself constantly self editing in an attempt to keep all of the awesome fics I want to talk about inside. I'd like to tell another friend who is just as (if not more) nerdy than I am, and I think she'd understand, but I'm still a bit unsure. How do you recommend letting real life friends in on all of the awesome?

Sincerely,
Scared of the Burn

Dear SPF70:

Look, people are judgmental assholes.

I’m quite possibly the worst person to answer this for you because I don’t give two shits what people say, and everyone in my RL is well aware that I read, write, and edit fanfiction. They know because I volunteered the info, not because they found me out.

The way I see it, it’s as nerdy as collecting Star Wars Happy Meal Toys (check), reading comic books (check check), and organizing your CDs autobiographically (almost caused my divorce/check).

When you say you got burned… I’m not sure what you mean, exactly. I assume the person gave you the ole stink eye and never talked to you again? Well, lemme tellya something: that person wears an asshat, size XL. Ignore.

Just be like, “Oh Lord, I wanna go with you, but I need to finish this first. It’s just too good.” They’ll say something like, “Oh, what’re you doing?” and then pull a nonchalant (although in your case, more likely an uneasy) laugh and say, “Well, you won’t believe this, but I kind of sort of read fanfiction. For Twilight.” They might raise an eyebrow or not even know what you’re talking about. Just continue, and be strong.

“Hey, I know it’s lame. But some of this stuff is better than the original, and I don’t know. I was in too deep before I could pull out. That’s what he said.” And then continue with your life.

This approach takes care of haters because you would sound confident. If the person stops talking to you, allow me to reiterate: asshat. Size XL.

May the force be with you.

-wtvoc

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Dirty Uncle-

Is it appropriate for me to solicit other fanfic authors with a view to them reading and reviewing my rather fantastic story (I will email you, the reader, the title if you want to know)?

Look forward to your response post haste.

NotJaneAustin

Dear NinJA:

Here’s the thing.

This happens to all of the “big” (I really hate this term, but we all know what I mean when I use it) writers out there. We all get the “could you read my story and tell me what you think?” review/PM, some of us daily.

I don’t know one single author who says “ooh, yes! Absolutely!”

Most ignore it or respond with a polite “I simply do not have the time” (which, I believe, was my previous advice to a writer who was asking about the other side of your query). There are a few of the uber-nice who actually read the stories in question.

Here’s the thing: let’s say you get this review. And you read the story, and you hate it. Godawful. So bad it needs an award to adequately convey to the writer just how bad the fic was.

What’re you going to say to the person, who is probably very nice and quite possibly someone’s mother/daughter/grandmother/sister?

Some writers find themselves in that exact place. I get pinged every so often from a friend who’s like OMG HELP, WHAT DO I TELL HER? THIS IS THE WORST SHIT I’VE EVER READ. And me, being the prince I am, always respond with the ever-so-helpful I TOLD YOU SO, YOU IDIOT.

Okay, I realize I sound like a twat here, but I’m just trying to cover both sides of the spectrum.

I think it’s going to be tough for you to know if it’s a real response or not, because in all likelihood, it’ll be positive. So… how can you really know if they’re telling the truth?

The problem with asking other authors to review your stuff is that you sound like a review-hungry future-BNF wannabe no matter how you slice it. How does one get plucked from obscurity? There are tons of ways, and honestly- getting the “popular” writers to mention your story in an update is one of the best. But flat-out asking the “popular” writers to mention your story in an update? Yikes. For one thing- let’s say you do so, and let’s say I do it. Next thing I know, I’m bombarded with requests to mention so-and-so all over the place. It’s just… no. Not gonna do it.

If you want to self-promote, do it. Do it all over the place. Drop your story on forums, ask people to read it. But don’t ask people to review it. It looks… greedy.
And there are totally people who will read it, too. Keep on trying, but don’t get disheartened if someone says a polite “thank you, but I simply don’t have the time.”

To answer your question- maybe not so appropriate. Not in the review, anyway. Just... tread lightly.

Sorry, I hope that wasn’t harsh. Wasn’t meant to be.

-wtvoc

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Jasper Hale Question o’the Week

Dear Ms. Wtvoc -

I apologize for my delinquency last week. Our loss of service was unexpected and I am a bit embarrassed to admit I was caught without a contingency plan in place. I am glad Alice's note reached you in time.

However, our trip did bring forth a good question.

The Wedding is to take place in a few weeks and both parties are nervous about the Wedding Night to the point of pain - theirs and mine.

Although he is genuinely terrified about the possibility of accidentally killing her, Edward is also quite desperate to ensure that the human's first time is of the memorable and enjoyable variety. We are all lacking the required appropriate experience to assist him with this. Even Carlisle is at a loss.

Bella, too, appears to be worried about whether or not she will be able to keep my brother happy - in more ways than one. Her female companionship is composed almost entirely of women who have not been in this situation in decades, if ever. The few female humans with whom she interacts are certainly in no place to provide her adequate or relevant advice.

As someone wise and observant, have you any advice to impart on either of them?

We hope you are well and that last week's absence of your column does not indicate any troubles on your end.

Until next week,
Jasper Hale

Dear Mr. Hale-

It’s good to hear from you again. When the time came for your question and the dearwtvoc@gmail.com box was still lacking in Jasper, I faltered, wondering if some sort of horrible fate had reached my favorite vampire since the Count von Count showed me how to get to twenty.

As for Edward taking Bella’s v-card… I’ve come to put my own loss of Team V as one of the unusual variety stories… because I had a perfectly pleasant experience with someone I loved.

To Bella, however, I say this- be glad that you’re in love and married. For most girls, it hurts, but we all know that. It’s mostly fear of the unknown that makes it so painful because, and Team Wide Open/Non-V girls can verify here- you’re completely prepared for the invasion that sex truly is. To be totally graphic, crude, and crass (aka SOP wtvoc)- you feel like someone’s stretching your fucking pubic bone. Forget the hymen thing, that pretty much feels like someone stabbed you with a knife covered in lemon juice; I’m referring to the actual penis entering the vadge canal. It’s so... well, invasive.

Anyone who has an orgasm when someone pops their cherry is more commonly referred to as a liar. Big, fat liar. I don’t believe you. Okay, maybe if you have a lot of sexual experience beforehand or your hymen was already popped, etc. But most of the non-deflowered girls out there don’t have a lot of experience, so it’s the invasion I just described.

Maybe that’s not fair. I don’t know, anyone out there have a real orgasm when they were deflowered? I mean from the penetration that popped the V, ya goobers.

As for Edward… I think the fact that you love her enough to try will ensure that she doesn’t get hurt. Also, be proud that the two of you waited for the sex until marriage; that’s amazing by today’s standards, and seriously… I salute thee.

However, over a hundred years of pent-up sexual frustration compounded to the nth degree by being privy to the deepest, dirtiest sexual fantasies of all and sundry (including Emmett, that really must be better than free Taste of Spice and Playboy for life) might make Eddie a quick yet dull boy. Do try and remember that your Lady Love will be nervous as hell. I say don’t sweat trying to not kill her, and maybe focus more on trying to make her not knocked up with questionable spawn as a result sweaty and calling out to God.

At any rate, good luck. Not God’s speed, just… yeah.

-wtvoc

PS- Mr. Hale, a question was asked by another person the last article about you being ticklish. Thoughts?

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Sigh. Okay, back to my hole. I’m trying to write, I promise. not, you know. Stalking footage of comicon since I was totally unable to attend this year due to unforeseen and irritating difficulties.
Ooh, and send your questions my way to dearwtvoc@gmail.com . I declare August Get to Know Your Fandom month. Ask accordingly.

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withthevampsofcourse is currently undergoing maintenance in the form of writing the winning auction!fic for wolvesnvamps as well as writing for this blog and maintaining the musicsundays affiliate blog. She wishes she could update any of her fics, but unfortunately… everyone wants a piece of her, whether it’s to make cookies, organize playlists, or incite mayhem in her everyday life. be patient, younglings; she’ll get to everything. eventually. maybe. the NKOTB concert was amaaaaazing. I’m wearing the shirt I bought as we speak. I’ve gotten some looks from people, let me tell you.

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Affiliates: Final Voting Round for the Indies!

The final round of voting at the Indies has gone LIVE!!!

Y'all have until next Wednesday at Midnight EST to cast your vote for your favorite Indie in multiple categories.

HURRY HURRY HURRY!

Series: Co-Authoring for Lazy and Informative Two-Somes

So we’ve told you how to find the life mate.

We’ve told you the things you need to think about when settling into a groove with the life mate.

In this edition…we are going to tell you how NOT to kill the life mate.

You heard us right. Do Not Kill the Life Mate.

Repeat after us.

Do Not Kill the Life Mate.

We don’t want you to think that it’s all warm chocolate chip cookies and puppies all the time. There will be disagreements, even potentially arguments. The trick is in how you handle them. Or more importantly, how you are willing to handle them.

So with that said, pull up a seat, and let our resident expert in Communication, ProfMom, give you the 411 on three basic types of conflict.

Simple—this does not imply easy. A simple conflict is one in which parties disagree. People see multiple means to an end or may not even agree on what the end goal is. In fanfic collaboration, partners may not share the same vision for the plot or for a character’s direction. Smaller disagreements may occur of when to post a chapter or how to say a line.

In theory, what makes this conflict “simple” is that it is unencumbered by the emotional investment of other kinds of conflict.

We are both very stubborn and opinionated, and when discussing plot we decided from the get-go the best thing was to outline the whole story so we could both agree on what every chapter would be like.

Generally whenever we fight (discuss) what each of us thinks would be the best thing, each of us tries to keep an open mind and listen to whatever argument the other person has. They also have to be valid arguments, things like 'because I want to' don't go well at all LOL...

We both know we need to come up with convincing and accurate arguments in order to convince the other one.

That said, there are times when it is practically impossible to convince the other, then we compromise. Finding the middle ground is the best option to keep us all happy, and more often than not, one of us will understand what the other is trying to say and we'll go along with it.

For XShear and I is more important to stay friends, and we'll always try to find a way that the story won’t interfere with that... so far we have been able to compromise on most of it, but I do admit there have been times when we just couldn't come to an agreement and had to drop the idea all together. ~kArlITaLUna

Pseudo—this does not imply fake. Pseudo conflicts are real; we don’t have to look any farther than a good E/B angst fic to find it. This is largely about miscommunication. One of several things happens with pseudo conflict. Either people don’t understand each other’s language, or they have trouble communicating their intentions. As a result, partner’s perceive they are at odds, when they may not be.

One of the reasons this kind of conflict escalates is because of the emotion of frustration, one of the most dangerous in human communication. Frustration often gets confused with anger and leads us to look at the other person as an enemy. And the result is the last kind of conflict.

Until you take the time to discuss it, the misperception will continue to breed resentment.

We started out with no expectations on reception or response, simply a general direction of the story we wanted to tell. As the story evolved, I found myself taking on more and more of the story direction (outline, plot points, etc) with Dawn helping to write content in each chapter.

But as attention grew, the pressure kicked in and it started to take the fun out of it for both of us. I wanted to focus on The Office, where as Dawn was shifting her attention to original fic. It got to a point where it felt like all we did was argue, and we decided that it just wasn’t working out, that our friendship was much more important.

We still talk everyday thanks to skype, and I can honestly say that we are probably better friends now than they were before. A lot of people would expect it to be weird between us, but we talk about The Office all the time. She's thrilled with how it’s grown and where I've taken it. ~TBY789

Ego—this doesn’t always mean people have big heads (thought it might). Ego conflict is when there is either a real or perceived personal attack. Perception is important because things like tone of voice and innuendo can lead us to feel threatened in some way.

There are so many ways in which conflict can turn personal, often unintentionally. If one partner isn’t particularly fond of something the other says, perhaps, it comes across as a criticism of writing style. Sometimes in the fabulous world of email and gchat, lack of nonverbal also plays a significant role in conflict. Up to 90% of all meaning in communication comes from nonverbal sources including tone of voice, gestures, and facial expression. When teasing or joking are using with printed text only, much context can be lost.

I should have known from the start we were doomed; without hashing out most major plot points, she told me to outline the story. You read that right, she didn't ask - she simply told me to, and I'm pretty sure (based on some storyline arguments we had later) she never even read it.

When I brought up inconsistencies or problems I had with her chapters, she would often get ultra-defensive and actually angry with me. Sometimes she would sign off chat and not speak to me for a day or two. It was very, very stressful to me, as a born people pleaser.

Often, editing the chapters she wrote took me twice as long as writing my own chapters. This led to me being resentful; I was correcting a lot simple errors that she could/should have known better about. On the flip side, she would get frustrated and tell me my chapters were "too perfect," and she felt left out that she couldn't edit them and "put her mark" on the chapters. (yes, she really actually used those words!)

I was a complete marshmallow; in my quest to maintain our friendship, and because I had experienced her negative reactions to my feedback in the past, I allowed certain parts of the story to be compromised. I regret it now, but am powerless to really back and change much about it since the story has progressed so far. She would give me "feedback" about the chapters I had written, but never accepted any of the feedback I gave her without being petty and temperamental. ~Anonymous

A single conflict episode can include multiple types of conflict, or the conflict can evolve. So often what starts out as simple conflict can turn to ego conflict, and nothing moves us there faster than letting emotions get out of control.

Disagreements are subject to a pendulum effect. Imagine the pendulum swinging back and forth. Typically, the motion begins slowly. As momentum builds, so the does the speed of the swinging. The speed causes the pendulum to swing wider with each pass. This is much the same when emotions rise in arguments. As people being talking, they may not have terribly dissimilar perspectives on an issue, but if egos and emotions get involved, peoples’ positions on an issue or an idea swing wider just like the pendulum.

Approaches to Conflict Management

Not everyone handles conflict the same way. Some people view conflict negatively—something to avoid at all costs. Others of us enjoy a challenge and will actively engage every chance we get. Some of the discrepancy is cultural; some is personality. Theorists have identified 5 primary approaches to conflict resolution. Some are generally considered more effective than others, but ultimately, your approach may come down to culture, personal preference, or situational factors.

Avoidance—this is a passive approach to conflict. Avoiders ignore conflict, literally walk away, or pretend that it doesn’t exist. Avoiding will never solve the conflict, but in relationships, sometimes we have to pick our battles and choose the right time and place.

If you know your partner is having a bad week, then avoidance might be a beneficial short term strategy.

Accommodation—when we accommodate, we essentially give into the other person. We meet their needs rather than our own. Again, sometimes for the sake of a relationship, if something isn’t important to us, there is probably little harm in accommodating; however, the main problem is that if you give in, resentment can build after the fact.

Competing—Competitive approaches to conflict involve a win-lose approach. One side will be victorious. There are a few major disadvantages to competing as a means of managing conflict. First, the winning side may not be right; they may simply be louder or better at argumentation. Second, the best answer may not have been either of the options presented. Sometimes, the best solutions fall somewhere in the middle, and by focusing on winning or losing, participants lose the opportunity to discuss alternatives. Third, there is no better way to get emotions flowing than to put people on the spot and suggest they are losing.

Of course, in emergency situations or when stakes some degree of competition may be necessary because we don’t have the time to explore other angles.

Compromise—In U.S. culture, we tend to glamorize compromise as ideal. Each person gives up a little something, and voila, you have a solution. On the positive side, compromise does tend to be faster than some types of conflict management, and most people do feel like they gained something in the process. However, like accommodation, people can eventually feel resentful. If you give up something important, it may haunt you.

There is certainly a time and a place for compromise, even in fic writing, consider what you’re willing to give up carefully before making a decision.

Collaboration—the last approach to conflict is theoretically ideal. Collaboration means participants work together to create a solution that works for everyone. It’s not about giving anything up but building on ideas, thinking outside the box, and coming up with new ideas. The major problem with it is that it’s incredibly time consuming and not easy to do. It requires everyone to be in a problem solving mode. If even one person is thinking more competitively, problems can arise.

For additional information on conflict resolution, please see here.

Communication Tips

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff—we paid homage to this concept in BAT. In all relationships, it is important to ask yourself if what you are arguing about is really important. If letting go is an option, do it. There will be something that drives you nuts about another person (Hello, is anyone here married?). Once you accept that, you’re better off.

2. Check partner’s perceptions—So many pseudo conflicts can be solved from this simple tip. If you don’t know how to take something your partner says, verify the intention. Unfortunately, while we’d all like to be judged by our intentions, no one can guess at them. You can check perceptions multiple ways, but the easiest is to ask. “Here’s what I heard. Is that what you meant?”

3. Manage emotions—since they are such an important player in conflict, always ask yourself, what are you really feeling? So often things come out as anger or an attack when what’s really behind it is hurt or frustration. Be sure you are expressing the emotion you really feel. Further, make sure it is appropriate to expression the emotion. It may be valid to feel something like jealousy, but what do you gain by letting the other person in on it?

4. Clarify your goals—we’ve mentioned this a few times in the series, but unless you both know what you want out of a fic, a chapter, your relationship, conflict can occur. Also, by clarifying goals, it may allow you to do #1. Or it might indicate that it’s time to move on. If one partner wants something the other doesn’t, there doesn’t need to be shame in acknowledging when a relationship is over.

5. Monitor your “nonverbals”—so people can’t see your facial expressions or hear your tone of voice. That means you have to be particularly diligent in how you write ideas. If you tease someone, how do you let that know that it was a joke? Is just putting a smiley face after it acceptable? In some ways internet communication provides an anonymity which results in people saying more than they would in face to face interaction. In fact, we know from research that communication escalates faster in email conversations than interpersonal interactions. Just because we can’t see each other doesn’t mean how you say something isn’t important.

So we went all counselor on you this time…but we want to remind everyone that at the end of the day, this is about fun and friendships. If you don’t have those going, do you really want to be doing this?

That’s all for this round…until next time this it H & T signing off!

Vote in the Humor Contest!

The Snark-full & Sparkle

Humor Contest

Go check out the HIGH-larious entries. Read and comment. And then, VOTE on the funniest fic!

Voting is now up. Vote here in the Twi_humor community on LJ.

***All entires were anonymous. Authors will be revealed at the end.

GuestEssay: Twilighted: A Love Story

Twilighted: A Love Story

Psymom

“I would love it if there was a Twilight fanfic site that had no restrictions on ratings or content, but still had well-written stories…”

“Why don’t you start one?”

And so it went…that conversation with my husband in February of 2008 was the birth of Twilighted. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would end up running a fanfiction archive that was the home of 60,000+ members with a thriving forum that hosts nearly 30,000. Twilighted’s first year has been one of amazing growth, highs and lows, laughter and tears, and most of all, love. For me, Twilighted is all about LOVE.

Twilighted: “ALL INCLUSIVE”

My philosophy, both in real life and in fandom life is “live and let live.” To me, it is a symbol of love for my fellow human beings, a sort of unconditional love that says, "You do your thing, I'll do mine, and we're cool, K?" Do you love Sweetward? Domward? Slashward? We have them all at Twilighted. Is one or more of those characterizations not your favorite? We have plenty of others, and the “BACK” button is a beautiful thing. I have tried to make Twilighted a place where people can come to find well written stories with that vary in rating, pairing, content, and POV. “One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure,” I always tell my staff…though, I have to admit that we have many a trashy treasure on Twilighted ;)

In kind, when I started the Twilighted Forums, I wanted them to be a place that espoused the same “live and let live” philosophy, which I essentially see as an exercise in free speech. Having come from a forum where I had to be careful with every word for fear of being chastised by moderators, I wanted the Twilighted forum to be a place where people could feel free to say what they wanted to say in the way they wanted to say it. So that’s all fine and good, freedom of speech, it’s a good thing, right? I see it is the counterpart to the “all inclusive” nature of the archive—but what about “high quality”?

Twilighted: “HIGH QUALITY”

Most of us have done it…especially those of us that have been around the fandom for a long time. You’re in the mood for some smut…you go to fanfiction.net and start your search…Category..TWILIGHT...keyword...LEMON...search...OK, now narrow results by rating...M, please.

There you go! TwiSmut! Tons of it! YAY! Click that first story...go ahead...click it! Scared? Yeah, you probably should be.

Fanfiction.net is incredible--you gotta love a place that lets people post anything and everything, but it gets very tiring sifting through things that are the writing equivalent of shopping at Walmart as opposed to even Target...you might find something good, but the chances are better if you go to a better store.

At Twilighted, every story is not PERFECT, nor is it necessarily the same caliber as a NYTimes best-seller (though many are, in my opinion). But, every story should be well-written in the sense that it is relatively free of blatant and consistent spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization problems--those stoppers that make it difficult to read a story without grimacing, and it will be interesting and coherent. It may not be YOUR cup of tea, but it may be just what your neighbor was looking for. Looking for the best of the best? Go to the Top Tens list--those are the stories that people are reading and reviewing and favoriting, so they really are the cream of the crop. Go to the forums and check out the sig files--it's instant access to everyone's favorites list (hint: your favorite author's favorites are likely REALLY good). Need a better filter than that? Check out the awards sites--the Eddies and the Bellies or the Indies, or check out your favorite blog--TLYDF, PPSS, or the Fictionators to name a few--they have recs for the best of the best in nearly any category you can imagine.

Now how do we ensure high quality on the forum? One very simple rule, the only rule that we really need, and the rule that makes it possible for us to enjoy the freedom of speech that "all inclusive" allows us:

BE NICE

That's it. Just be nice. You want to say "FUCK"? Say, "That chapter was FUCKAWESOME!" Nice, see? (And the best word amalgamation EVER.) You want to say "Bitch"? Say "bitch," just don't call someone a bitch...unless of course it is used as a term of endearment, (e.g. Ninapolitan's pet name for our dearest Dr. Cullen). Just be nice. Be supportive. Be encouraging. Don't be an ass. Nobody likes an ass. If you want freedom of speech, that requires responsibility. Being nice is being responsible with that freedom.

How does this ensure high quality? In the same way that clicking on a story at Twilighted ensures a certain level of quality over and above clicking on a story at fanfiction.net does--it's a safety net, a measure of security. You know that you will not be attacked, that you will not have to argue, fuss, and fight at Twilighted. You know that the quality of people you interact with and the quality of the interactions you have are going to be high because those that don't want to play nice don't hang around for very long.

I have heard many a story about people finding the best friends they have ever had on Twilighted's forums, and I think that has happened because of the supportive, community feeling we have there. It's something Twilighted's members should be proud of--that in a fandom that is not exactly famous for spreading the love (actually this applies to a lot of fandoms), at Twilighted, we have a community of amazing people...people that further the fandom by extending it with their creativity, people that support one another through feedback, reviews, collaborative critiquing, rec'ing, pimping, and virtual hugs (or all out snogs when appropriate), and people who share in the highs and lows of the creative process that is writing. To me, that is love.

Twilighted=LOVE

I love fanfiction. Clearly, I must, or I would not have started this little project that takes up every spare moment of my life. I love Twilight--it changed my life. I love Twilighted, I love my staff, I love my authors (yes, I call you all “mine,” my apologies if it offends), and I love all of the readers who keep my authors writing. Readers—you are the reason that authors write! (PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews are love!)

Twilighted is a labor of love. It is a LOT of work, and really, I do not do even half of what it takes to run the site. My BELOVED staff is what keeps it going. These ladies donate HOURS of their time every day to make sure the validation queue keeps moving, to make sure the stories are as good as they can be (save the inevitable typo even a third or fourth read through may not catch), and to encourage writers to be the best they can be. They put up with a LOT of…let’s just say “not so much with the love,” shall we? But, they are also well loved by many people who recognize the value in what they do and the commitment it takes to be good at what they do. They do it because they love fanfiction, they love the fandom, and they love the site.

Sometimes the fandom gets crazy and we lose sight of why we are all here. Without breaking into a serenade suitable for a big purple dinosaur, or even a Beatles' favorite, I will say that we were all brought together by love. Love of a story about the greatest love of all time. A love story we love so much that we can't let go of it, so we continue to read and write about it, exploring the characters and how they might love each other in a variety of settings, situations, and circumstances. So, in closing, let me say THANK YOU for making Twilighted the incredible community that it is--it wouldn't be what it is without all of you. And a few requests, if I may...love your writers (did I mention, PLEASE REVIEW?), love your readers (WRITE, WRITE, WRITE), and love each other, because Twilighted is all about LOVE.

---

Psymom is the super woman who has defined a fandom with her website - Twilighted. In addition to her site, she is furthering the ficster's landscape by assisting to bring us the wonderful world of iFic and is a prominent coordinator of the first TwiCon happening this August.

---

Literature Rec: Vamps and Wolves

I thought I would do something a little different this week. As it was vampires and werewolves that brought us all together originally, I wanted to recommend a bunch of other good books featuring our favourite mythical creatures. Then I realized I had only read one that I felt was good enough to recommend in this article.


So, I sent out a call to the community and, thankfully, you responded! The following recommendations come from a variety of people and I hope there are some gems, but I feel I should warn that I have not read many of them so they do not hold the moon.witche stamp of approval. Except for that one at the bottom, that one’s from me.

One I just read was City of Bones by Cassandra Clare (which does have werewolves). The thing I liked about the vampires and werewolves is that they aren't bad just simply because of who they are, they don't need to be killed because of it unless they get out of control. Then you have the group of shadowhunters whose moral superiority makes them believe they are better than everyone, some even to the point of wanting to annihilate the entire population of downworlders despite that building their army will cost many lives. This facet of the book is not that unlike many of the evangelical population out there, who believe their religious superiority entitles them to make decisions based on their religion alone, despite the fact that the people they are often screwing are not bad people by nature. The level of loyalty in the werewolf pack is actually more similar to that of the young shadowhunters than the old, much more jaded ones. In this story the ones who are supposed to be "good" are often bad and the ones who you think would be bad are often good. I'm about 1/3 of the way through City of Ashes and loving it so far too.
-mozzer0906

Though these books are light on the vampires and werewolves I highly enjoyed them (I may have even gotten one signed by the author) and the one vampire that classifies as a main character has an interesting journey, and is generally good for a laugh and easing of tension.

The Jaz Parks series by Jennifer Rardin, which also features vampires as a part of everyday society. It focuses on a CIA assassin and her partner, the vampire Vayl. It is currently five books deep, starting with Once Bitten, Twice Shy, and the sixth book should be coming out it October. A friend of mine got me hooked on this. It's very easy to read, very fast-paced, very action-packed. I was on the fence at first, because some of the scenarios can be a little over the top, but while I was reading I just couldn't put it down, and that says something in and of itself.

I guess the theme in these series is the supernatural mixed with everyday society, but I'm in to that kind of thing. I love seeing vampires and werewolves with a big dose of reality thrown in.
-UnoriginalScreename

I really don't know anything about these books at all, which I like because it gives me something to look for when next I visit a bookstore.

The Women of the Otherworld series by Kelley Armstrong. The first book, Bitten, is brilliant, and somehow makes it entirely plausible that werewolves could be living amongst us.In Bitten, Kelley Armstrong somehow managed to make it believable that a werewolf Pack lived in New York State, ruling over all the other 'mutts' spread worldwide. When I read it, I became intrigued by Elena's story, and throughout the book slowly put together the pieces of her background, and the hows and whys of her Change. Elena is easy to relate to, and the Pack are perfectly characterised. There's lots of action (and violence), but what really hooked me was the relationships within the Pack, especially that between Elena and Clay. I could not put this book down, and finished it almost as quickly as I finished Twilight! I was then compelled to go and read the rest of the (still ongoing) Women of the Otherworld series, and they are just as gripping, dark and sharply humourous as Bitten. I hope that you will enjoy them as much as I have!
-Taigh

This is a book that I have picked up many times in the bookstore because I like the cover. Sadly, it has never gone further than that.

The other trilogy I have read this year is Vampire Academy.These books take the vampire world and sort of create a caste system. There are the pure bloods who are Moroi are sort of the ones to be protected beyond all else by their half human/half moroi guardians, the Dhampirs. Then of course there are the Strigoi who are the true vampires. Strigoi can be made by being turned or by a Moroi making a choice to turn. The first book, in my opinion, is hard to get into at first, however by the second book you are devouring every word on the page. The highlights of the idea that the Dhampirs are less important than the Moroi is explored. This author also has no problem with ripping your still beating heart clean out of your chest and stomping on it, which I sort of love as much as I hated it. It certainly had me scouring the internet to find other people who have read it to discuss. They are easy, fun reads that give a good dose of romance balanced with an interesting magical world. This is also a sequel I can't wait to read, so much in fact I emailed my SIL who works for the publishing house to BEG her for an advanced copy.
-mozzer0906

Almost everyone I know who reads has recommended these books to me. I should probably get on them.

The saga of Darren Shan - I first picked these up because my friends were reading them. And I was intrigued. Not just by the fact that Darren was only about my age at the time (13), but because the idea of the vampires were so different to the ones that I knew of. I knew of the Dracula ones, the ones who killed people and were like demons. These were different, they only drank the minimum amount of blood to survive, and were mortal enemies of the ones who killed humans.
-Ciara

This series intrigues me because it lists the main character as the author and I always enjoy when authors do that sort of thing.

The Black Dagger Brotherhood series presents a darker, and more adult world of vampires. The premise of the series is that the vampire race
was created by the Scribe Virgin. Her brother, the Omega, being
jealous that she was given this one gift of creation, created The
Lessoning Society to hunt down and kill the vampires. In order to
protect the race, the Black Dagger Brotherhood was formed as an elite
fighting unit. These Brothers are large, fierce, leather-clad
warriors. Each of the seven books in the series so far (Dark Lover,
Lover Eternal, Lover Awakened, Lover Revealed, Lover Unbound, Lover
Enshrined, and Lover Avenged) highlights one of the Brothers and their
ongoing battle with the Lessoning Society as its backdrop. Within each
of the books, we are given an in-depth look at one of the Brother's
and their struggle with vices, their pasts, and specifically, the
discovery of their mate.

One of the many interesting nuances of this vampire series is that,
though they do consume a normal human diet, their blood diet is not
satisfied by humans. They must feed from the opposite sex of their
race. Feeding is not only for nourishment, but is a very sexual act
for them as well. The two are often combined in this series, and when
it is not, it is poignant to the story line.

The best thing about these bad-ass Brothers is how their worlds are
rocked to it's core, and shift once they bond with their female and
become mated. Their worlds rotate around these women. J.R. has
created such an erotic twist to the bonding process in the fact that
when a male bonds, an aphrodisiac scent leaves his skin and marks the
female as his. Also, she has these powerful males eager to please and
defend their women in EVERY way. A pleasant concept to any female
reader.
- EJ Santry

I'm pretty everyone here has read these ones, but just in case, I thought I better include a rec for them.

The Mercedes Thompson series, by Patricia Briggs. This series focuses more on werewolves, though vampires certainly play a large role in the books. It is four books along so far, Moon Called, Blood Bound, Iron Kissed, and Bone Crossed. There is also a spin-off about a side character called Cry Wolf, and her Alpha and Omega series is built around that. Both series are wonderful. The series is about a Volkswagon mechanic named Mercy Thompson, who is a Native American 'walker', meaning she can turn into a coyote. She was raised by the Marrok, who is considered the alpha of all of the North American werewolves, and her neighbor is the alpha of the local werewolf pack. I love how this series really gets into the politics of the werewolf culture and the body language. It's very interesting to see that alongside the politics of having the fae 'outed' to the public while the weres remain secret, while the fae are forced to register and be confined to reservations not unlike the Native Americans, werewolves have to try increasingly harder to hide their identities as science gets closer to exposing them. I don't usually read werewolf stories because they are hard to do well, and people seldom do them well, but I recommend this series to everyone who asks because it is absolutely amazing.
-UnoriginalScreename

The Mercy Thompson series by Patricia Briggs
Mercedes, or Mercy, is your average VW mechanic who just so happens to be able to shift into a coyote. She was raised in a werewolf pack and has a werewolf for a roommate, and the area pack's leader's attention. Her life is pretty full, running her garage and helping the area's supernatural community, usually dragged in to danger against her own will. This series is absolutely wonderful. Mercy has flaws and she knows them, and while she's working on some of them she just accepts others and moves on with her life. Ms. Briggs writing is captivating, each book adding more and more depth to her already wonderful characters. Definitely worth reading, Ms. Brigg's take on all supernatural creatures, not just werewolves, is highly entertaining. The first book is Moon Called.
-Lady Saffir

Again, I've never heard of these books, but good werwolf books seem to be hard to come by, so I take heart from the fact that two people recommended it.

I just read/have been reading the Undead series from Mary Janice Davidson. This series isn't exactly the most serious or earth-shattering literature but it does have its pluses. For one, it's hilarious. Like, spit-coke-all-over hilarious. Two, it has some...sexin'. :) Three, it really is a "feel good" story and even though she hides it with humor, you can tell that the main character, Betsy (queen of the vampires) actually cares about the other characters. Four, it has vampires, werewolves, ghosts, zombie-things, you name it. And you know how we love us some vampires.
You should check this series out, it was a really good distraction from all that twilight fanfic. It starts out at Undead and Unwed and goes to Undead and Unwelcome-so far.
-KM

The Undead series by Mary Janice Davidson
Most definitely an adult book,or at least for those who won't mind leaving it lying around where someone might pick it up. Betsy becomes the queen of all vampires unwillingly, and does her darndest to introduce democracy to the life challenged. She isn't afraid to tell the world (well, her nearest and dearest) about vampires, and mayhem ensues right from the start. Betsy has one of the foulest mouths I've ever heard, which is why I say to not leave these lying around. Trust me, you get some pretty ood looks when someone reads a random page. These books aren't deep, and are fast reads, but are highly entertaining. The first book is Undead and Unwed.
-Lady Saffir

I haven't read these particular books but I have read others by this author and they have all been a fun read.

Sookie Stackhouse Series by Charlaine Harris
A lot of people are finding out about this wonderful series because of the HBO series True Blood, which is based off these popular novels. Sookie Stackhouse is a bartender in rural Louisiana who just so happens to be a mind reader. The vampires have just announced their presence to the world, and Sookie meets her first vampire soon after. Intrigued by the vampire Bill, she is drawn into their private world, and finds out more than vampires exist and live among humans. Sookie never claims to be the smartest cookie, or the prettiest, but she has a heart of gold and is always trying to overcome whatever obstacle is tossed in to her path. The first book is called Dead After Dark.
-Lady Saffir

I have read all nine of the Sookie Stackhouse books this year. This is very light, fun reading. A lot of action, a very interesting world of creatures and characters beyond your basic vamps/wolves. In fact they have many layers of "were-people", Werewolves consider themselves the highest form of the weres, but there are werefoxes, werepanthers,weretigers, etc. - then there are true shifters who can take any form. They introduce things like maenads and the fae people. Once again these books (and the show) weaves in the underlying comparison that to be different is to be hated. There is a centra crazed evangelical group who kill to make their point - even innocent humans. Romance is at the heart of these books as you follow Sookie through her entanglements with the men she comes to love (and possibly to hate). Sookie is different as well and finds in the supernatural world men she has been waiting her whole life for - someone she can't hear thinking her ass really does look fat in those pants.
-mozzer906

The Sookie Stackhouse series, also called the Southern Vampire Mysteries, by Charlaine Harris. I am absolutely addicted to this series. I cannot stop reading it. It's the series that HBO's TrueBlood is based off of. The premise is that vampires have 'come out of the coffin' after the invention of a synthetic blood by the Japanese. The story begins when Sookie, a telepathic waitress who is assumed to be crazy by most of her peers, meets a vampire at the small Louisiana bar she works at. There are nine books in the series so far, the first being Dead Until Dark, the most recent being Dead and Gone. (I just finished it, and I'm already salivating for the next one.) Throughout, there is the ongoing political pressure from vampires who want more rights to hate groups wanting to refuse them rights to other supernatural groups (like the weres and the shifters) wondering if they should come out as well. The constant struggle makes for a compelling read. I have heard this series sometimes described as "Twilight for grown-ups," but it is so much more than that, and really, the two aren't that similar (Twilight is YA fiction, for one, and this series is more adult). The characters have so much depth, and I just love the world the author has created. Plus, can you say hot viking vamp FTW?
-UnoriginalScreenname

This was by far the most recommended and I've heard a lot of talk about it throughout the community.



The vampire book I'm going to recommend (I've got nothing on werewolves, sorry) stays true to my YA literature tendencies. My Swordhand is Singing by Marcus Sedgewick.

Peter and his father move to a remote european village in the early 1600s. They set up there house in a strange way and, despite violent tendencies from Peter's father, live as woodcutters. This all changes when a band of gypsies come to town and force Peter to think about his father's life before the village, and where the violence comes from.

What I especially loved about this book that while it may be a "vampire" genre book, it really is about the relationship between Father and Son. Why is it so strained? What happened in Peter's father's past to make him as paranoid and eccentric as he is? And what was his relationship to the gypsies? I love books that use a common theme or stock situation to examine human behavior and explore whay we would really do in those situations. Marcus Sedgewick is amazing for that, I've read five or six books by him.

I also enjoy the imagery of all this bloody violence against the snowy backdrop. What can I say, I like my violence pretty.

---

Moon.witche knows that you are all beautiful.

Reader's Series: Tuesday Jane

Tuesday Jane

Who am I? Well, without spilling too many of the proverbial beans on the Internet, of course… I grew up in Alaska commercial fishing for salmon with my Dad, moose hunting with my Mom, and laughing until my sides hurt with my sisters. I married a Canadian math genius that I met in New Zealand when I lived 45 minutes outside of Hobbiton. I’m an accountant, but I’m not boring. My real name isn’t Tuesday or Jane but I secretly love it when people are named after days of the week. Oh, and I love fan fiction.

I’ve been reading Twilight fan fiction for roughly 6 months. I stumbled upon a truly unique story called The Secret Prophecies and haven’t looked back since. I started reviewing right then and there because I couldn’t contain myself. I needed to let authors know I was out there reading and loving every minute of it! It was only a matter of time before I was cruising people’s favorite lists and crossing paths with the fanfic mega favorites. Next thing I know I’m finding lesser-known gems like Star Mile, Burning the Edges and Disaffected. I was far more than pleasantly surprised by the caliber of writing available at my fingertips; I was shocked and elated! Then, with the discovery of TLYDF, I found an inside track on great fics as discovered by avid readers and devoted writers.

The world of Twilight fan fiction has captured me for a several reasons. One, I love that people are writing because they want to, not because they are trying to make a living. True, sometimes readers can get demanding, but for the most part authors are writing (hopefully!) for the pure joy of creating something to share with the world. I’m so into that. It inspires me. I also love that I get to provide feedback directly to authors. In the fanficdom, I'm not just a reader; I'm active participant in an awesome, creative process. I don’t know of any other situation in which a large number of people get to interact with an artist as they create. This aspect of the fanficdom is almost entirely unique. As a mostly not-so-creative type, it’s something I feel incredibly privileged to be a part of. Lastly, I love the fan fiction community.

Most of what I have come to adore about the fanfic community has come as a result of a crazy long review I once left on a Hydraulic Level 5 (HL5) chapter. I wrote the review after an in-depth re-read of all chapters that had been written to date. (Mostly, I did it to figure out what the heck was going on!) The amazing feedback I received from Gondolier made me feel sincerely valued as a reader and just plain special as a person. After that review, I started getting PMs from other readers interested in discussing the story. Next thing I know I’m over at the HL5 forum on Twilighted.net speculating and theorizing with the best of them. In short, I found amazing people who love to discuss the minutia of HL5 just as much as I do. I’m there almost every day with a fab group of ladies asking questions and mining past chapters for clues as we try to scrape the next layer off of the HL5 onion. It’s a totally kickin’ time.

Something about fan fiction that caught me completely off-guard was the realization that I might very well enjoy it even more than I enjoyed the books. I love that fan fiction addresses facets of the characters not explored in the original series. I love that it provides an opportunity to see what would happen if the story had gone a completely different direction. It really is the ultimate Choose Your Own Adventure environment.

I am drawn to stories that are unique and bring something special or new to the fanfic table. I prefer all human stories, but there are a few vampire stories that are also very worthy of time. Regardless of genre or plot, I tend to get caught in the tractor beam of stories that are creative, funny and thoughtful.

I am grateful to writers for putting a part of themselves out there in story. Without you, we wouldn’t have this wonderful community of people sharing freely. And being a small part of this community is a privilege that I enjoy thoroughly. Thank you.

---

Author's Blurb by Gondolier

I am not new to fanfiction writing, but I am still relatively new to Twilight fanfiction. Hydraulic Level 5 isn’t exactly easy to follow (you know, the old “peeling back the onion layers” analogy I’ve used to death.) It’s also a mystery; it takes a savvy reader to Sherlock that thing, and I had no idea if readers would have the patience and interest to take all of the little puzzle pieces and work with them.

Then I started receiving reviews from Tuesday Jane. Not just reviews….book analyses. She picked up on a lot of those subtle little puzzle pieces, she reread them, shuffled them around, and pieced them together until they started to form a picture—despite having missing pieces. She also blew me away with how accurate her character scrutiny was (and still is). Tuesday Jane even noticed the strains of allegory in “Edward’s books”, which made me fangirl to no end. In fact, I hang on to her reviews when I need excellent summaries of my chapters for future reference because, by and large, she gets Hydraulic Level 5.

Something else that I greatly appreciate is that Tuesday Jane and her theorizing gal-pal, Traceypacey, will discuss chapters and then take their theories to the Twilighted thread to share with others. They, along with the rest of Team WTFisgoingon, are hugely responsible for giving HL5 readers a place to hash out their ideas while having some fun and intelligent discussion. And the entire team is always gracious and polite—no matter what outlandish ideas pop up, they keep an open mind and give a thumbs up or down based on what has been written rather than personal preferences. Tuesday Jane’s clever and engaging style has brought in so many HL5 readers to discussions, encouraging them to delurk and share their thoughts. She helps to keep the story fun rather than frustrating. I depend on her and the rest of the team immensely for that—I’ve had to do very little explaining.

She is truly a kind person, a deep thinker, and an honest and classy reviewer. If any writer is fortunate enough to have Tuesday Jane read and review your work, be sure to give her a big thank you!

GuestFicRec: Being Left Can Be The Bee's Knees

jasperlurks
Left Holding the Bag
AU/AH Rated M
14 Chapters 60,698 Words
07/09/2009 WIP
[ FFN ] [ Forum ]

It's 1926. A P.I. is handed a case that changes his life. A young woman puts her trust in a man she hardly knows. A rookie cop meets the girl of his dreams. Sparks fly. Together, they work to find the missing man who comes to mean the world to them.

hmonster4's

I have to admit, I wasn’t really ‘looking’ to get sucked into a story when I found Left Holding the Bag. Profmom and I were drafting out our first article on co-writing and were looking for teams of writers to interview for content. I went trolling through Twilighted to find threads on co-written stories, when lo and behold, there was Left Holding the Bag.



I contacted the writing team – Ahelm and Mpants via PM to ask them if they would be willing to talk about their experiences in co-writing a fic. At the same time, it felt inappropriate to ask them for input without reading their story. So I grabbed a Diet Coke and tucked in for what, at the time, was about eight chapters of reading.



It’s a good thing I had a quiet afternoon and no one needed anything. It wasn’t like I would have dealt with them anyway. Left Holding the Bag sucked me in hook, line, and sinker. Smart story? Check. Well written? Check. Edward in a Fedora? Oh yeah, check.



Left Holding the Bag pays tribute to the fabulous film noir crime dramas of the 40’s and 50’s. The story kicks off in 1926 with the introduction of very cynical Edward Masen. He was a beat cop for the Chicago Police until a tragic event took the life of his partner and friend. That loss is followed soon after by the death of his parents to the Spanish Influenza. Disillusioned with life, Edward moves to New York City to take care of his Grandfather Alistair and opens up shop as; you guessed it, a private investigator.



Not too long after ‘opening up shop,’ Edward takes on a secretary - someone to be a welcoming face in the front office, lend a little sunshine. What he ends up with is a partner in crime by the name of Alice Cullen, who doesn’t play second fiddle to anyone. The daughter of the city coroner and ‘a flapper to the core,’ Alice becomes a trusted confidant and side kick for Edward as he establishes his credibility as a PI.



And then, one dark and stormy night, the staple in any good noir story, in walks a broad named Bella Swan that will change both their lives.



Sorry. I couldn’t resist. But that is the joy about Left Holding the Bag. Not only is it a fabulously clever story that weaves drama, mystery, and romance around the disappearance of Bella’s brother Emmett, it is incredibly grounded in the life that was 1926.



“Be safe,” I’d said, and I wondered if she knew that I was imploring her to do so. I doubted she had any idea I thought she was the bee’s knees or how completely balled up I was over her.

As I walked downstairs to my car, I realized that Bella was no ordinary jane. She was quite the Sheba, and she didn’t even know it. When I reached my car, I got in and sat for a moment. I realized that I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to hold out. I was no longer sure that I could continue to treat her like a regular dame, one I’d pass on the street, do business with, and go about my day.

I couldn’t.

I didn’t want to.



The research that has gone into this fic is incredible. Imagery, dialogue, slang, the in’s and out’s of prohibition are all here in flawless form. Factor in phenomenal family dynamics (I won’t give away who or how, but there are some things in here that just might surprise you) and spot on dialogue, and I find myself laughing, ooohing, and gasping on a regular basis.



Not only is Left Holding the Bag truly original in its premise, it abandons the typical structure of Edward and Bella driving the story. While Edward and/or Bella are the consistent ties to most everyone in the story, Jasper and Alice are just as important to the narrative. The point of views switch every chapter amongst one of those four, and their changes in dialogue, perspective, and emotional state give the story a very unique flavor that I personally have not experienced in fanfic. By seeing the evolution of the story through all four of their perspectives, we have a better understand of the chemistry, connections, and character nuances of people like Rosalie, the proprietor of Lilly’s Back Door (a local speakeasy) or Carlisle Cullen, City Corner and father of Alice.



And since I went there, let’s be very honest. Chemistry? Yeah, um, that would be an understatement. There have been points in multiple chapters where I was literally leaning into my screen, holding my breath. Will he? Will she? I am not going to go too deep into the story, because I don’t want to ruin anything for you. Let’s just say they keep me guessing.



To bastardize a quote that classic Noir File, Double Indemnity, That's a honey of a story you're weaving, Jasperlurks.



So if you like a little mystery, smart dames, and a smart talking dick hanging out at a juice joint called Lilly’s, this is just what the doctor ordered. In spades.

---

Hmonster4 is the author of Deconstructing Dracula and co-author of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. She’s also part of the evil genius team responsible for the Indie Awards. When not elbows deep in fan fic or trying to convert readers to the Emmett train, she can be found in the role of mom/sports freak/general instigator.

News&Events: The 2009 San Diego ComicCon FanFiction Panel

News&Events: The 2009 San Diego ComicCon FanFiction Panel Details.

LolaShoes

I’m not a ‘park mom.’ I have kind of always known this – I like to read books with my kid, build crazy towers with Legos, and snuggle. Definitely snuggle. But I’m not one of those moms who runs up the slide or squeezes through tunnels built for seven-year-olds with significantly more cartilage than I have. I have a boy, though, which means that I spend most of my weekend doing just that.

Despite my general dislike for the heat of the Southern California sun on the plastic slide, or the feel of sand in my adorable shoes, back in May I fell in love with our local park because, one Saturday morning, I overheard two Moms watching their kids play while talking about Twilight fanfiction.

I kept my distance, eavesdropping (completely obviously, no doubt). I am 5’11” – without my heels, mind you – and not easy to miss, especially on a Saturday morning at a gigantic, empty park where I have no business standing five feet away from two women I don’t know. But they kept talking, and after several minutes I surmised that they were talking about The Submissive by tara sue me.

I had never seen these women before but, aside from the TwiFic convo, I knew they were all right because they didn’t look like they lived down street and behind the Hellmouth that barred entrance to The Real Housewives of

"Fanfiction is a tribute to the strength of the characters and the intrigue of the universe an author has created. It is an art form in itself that serves to perpetuate the popularity of a book or movie and I so excited to have the opportunity to share our little corner of the fandom with the world via this major media event. I hope it helps bring attention to how amazing our community's creative efforts are and our role in perpetuating the franchise."

- Psymom

Orange County (I kid not). I didn’t approach them, I just smiled to myself, relishing the fact that anyone you see – at the park, at the airport (yep, had that happen), or at work (yep, had that happen too) – may also read TwiFic.

The community of TwiFic fans is everywhere. I had an old friend from high school review my story. That was a surreal fucking moment. My best girlfriends – two of whom I love enough to remind them that they are uber-intellectual snobs – actually bought the series so they could know what I’m spending all my time doing now that I no longer email them daily. I have made friends in this community that feel more real than some of the people I see every day at work.

TwiFic ‘s appeal is unbelievably broad. It shows us alternative lifestyles, slash pairings, and emotional confessions that only seem possible in fiction yet somehow trigger us to be more open in our own relationships. It shows us how a personality trait of a loved one can be at once adorable and maddening. It opens our eyes to the generally invisible young and homeless, teaches us a thing or two about ice cream, and makes us grateful for the nights we can fall asleep easily. It makes us think of all the ways we can abandon someone, be forgiving, be possessive without jealousy, and trust when something feels fated.

Who knows what it is about these stories and characters that made us seek out more after the series ended? I’m taking a wild guess that at least 50% of us wanted to gouge our eyes out with a spooned Slurpee straw at

"Writing fan fiction is the last thing I ever saw myself doing, not because I had any preconceived notions about it, but because I simply didn't know of it. The day I discovered Twilighted changed my life; it filled a void where the books left off and let me experience characters I had grown to love, in a way I never imagined. As a first time author, it has allowed me to cultivate a talent I never knew I possessed, interact with people around the globe I would never otherwise have met, and presented me with opportunities I never knew existed."

–tby789

the fade to black and came running to fanfiction to get a taste of something other than Edward fulfilling all of his own monster fears and mauling his wife on their wedding night.

Or maybe that’s just a personal pet peeve.

In any case, we’re here, we’re writing, we’re all obsessed, and safe in that admission with each other. In just a few short months, I’ve come to love this community – all its creativity, all its variety, all its sass. Maybe not the drama, but I’m coming to realize that can’t be helped. It’s that love for this community that made me push – hard – for a Twilight fanfiction panel at the San Diego Comic-Con this year.

I’ll leave the history of the Comic-Con to the official website or the thousands of articles, blogs, and websites devoted to it. I do know enough about the SDCC to know that people positively clamor to get in. The fact that we have a room for our panel (technically it’s a “Fan Group”) is just the fucking coolest thing I can imagine. If you are coming and have never been, or if you are simply curious about Comic-Con, let me assure you that everything you have heard is true:

     - You will see someone dressed as a Storm Trooper.

     - You will see someone who thinks they are really a vampire (and you will be pretty sure that you do not want them to bite you).

     - The lines are hideous and the food is overpriced.

     - And, yes, there really is a rule about costumes with weapons. And, yes, it really is almost a page of bullet-pointed things to consider when wearing said costume to the convention.

You will also see 125,000 of the happiest and most excited people all in one place sharing their love for any and all geekdoms. There’s something so fucking real and earnest about the fact that “dressed up” means a

"Having an event such as Comic Con, recognizing the Fanfiction community is astounding. I hope that with this year being its first incarnation they see how expressive, passionate and outstanding the group is and allow us to create an even more memorable experience next year."

– ninapolitan

button down Superman shirt rather than the wrinkled tee – it just makes my chest clench in happiness.

This year our TwiFic Fan Group is starting small. In my head, next year we get Hall H (I kid, I kid), but first we have to demonstrate that there is an audience, an interest, and a sane community that wants to come together.

The group will take questions, discus trends in TwiFic, and meet the fans of their stories. It will be casual and – although I may not get my Bob Barker mic after all – I will be moderating to ensure that we use the hour wisely and pack as much in as we can (stop snickering, pervs).

The 2009 Fangroup includes:

• tby789 (The Office, Twigasm podcast)
• Angel/EZRocksAngel (Creature of Habit)
• AngstGoddess003 (Wide Awake, TLYDF and, of course, listed after Angel because I learn fast and those two are not to be separated upon penalty of death)
• Ninapolitan (The Wingman, Head Bitch in Charge at the Perv Pack Smut Shack, Twigasm)
• Manyafandom (The Arrangement, and Perv Pack Member)
• Bella C’ella Luna (Anticipation and Good & Evil)
• americnxidiot (Cascade & Cyanide)
• Bethaboo (Turning Dust into Gold, Going for the Gold)
• Psymom (founder of Twilighted, author of Stranger than Fiction).

(I know. That list is fucking unbelievable.)

Of course, there were far more authors that I wanted to invite, and it killed me to have to limit it. Honestly, I was raised by hippies: I hate any form of exclusion, even if only by default. This type of group is impossible to build to please everyone because it would be 5,000 writers strong before everyone’s must-have authors were included. All of mine aren’t even in there, not even close. This is a testament to the range and depth of the community and yet another thing that makes me proud to be involved. After my initial probe emails were sent and I received two “no”’s (heart attack), the panel literally filled in less than 48 hours, much to my slack-jawed, shrieking, fangirling surprise. I had no idea how big this would be outside of my world where Comic-Con looms large.

Needless to say, I was blown away and humbled. I’m totally fucking excited.

---

How the FF Panel Was Created

For some background on how this came about,

“When Lola first PMed me and said she was trying to put together a Twilight fanfiction panel for Comic Con, I didn't know if it was even legit it or not. Honestly, it seemed a bit too good to be true. My friend Angel even messaged me and asked me if I thought it was real. I told her that it was a great idea if it was, and hey, if it wasn't, then that was one creative spammer.

The more I've thought about the panel in the last few weeks, the more convinced I am that we need something like this, some legitimate way to educate the public that fanfiction is more than just Mary Sues having badly written smut. The fellow ladies on the panel with me are brilliant writers, and I am honored that I'll be able to share a stage with them as we talk about our work. A year ago, when I first became involved in the Twilight fandom, I never would have thought an event like this was even possible, nevermind that I'd be asked to join. It's an amazing opportunity and I'm so excited to participate.”

– Bethaboo

I read the Twilight series in December of 2008 and started reading TwiFic in January of this year. So, yes, I am new to this. I am pathetically earnest in real life, and here, too, I am a shameless newbie: shiny, green, happy to meet everyone and still shocked that anyone reads a word I write.

So when I was told that this panel was put in the SDCC schedule, my first reaction (as is often the case with me) was absolute elation and Tigger-bouncing. My second reaction (as is also often the case with me) was holyfuckingshit what did I get myself into?

I had been involved in TwiFic for only four months. Do I know this community at all?

How do I go about asking people to be involved?

What kind of range do we want – all over the map, or within a certain genre?

I quickly asked the readers on my thread to list their favorite authors. I looked around for people who were involved in blogs and contests. I tried to look not just for review count, but for interesting stories, and authors writing a mixture of canon, AU, and AH.

But, the truth is that as the responsible party and moderator, I want this to be a success so I ultimately went with what I know. I asked people whose stories I had read, whose activities I had followed, and who had helped suck me into the TwiFic universe.

I decided to build a panel with authors of M-rated stories for a variety of reasons; the primary reason was that we have a limited amount of time, and I want to encourage discussion among authors as much as possible. This seemed to be easiest with authors who all embrace mature, if varied, themes. If you love the composition of the Fan Group, I’m glad. If you think I should have altered the theme a bit, please, let me have it. Hopefully we’ll do this for years to come and we can try something different every year.

So here are the details:

The Fan Group is

Saturday at 10-11am in room 24A

. This room seats 100 people. Depending on your experience in classrooms and/or lecture halls, this either sounds like very many seats or very few seats. To me, it sounds like very few given the possible

"I'm two parts excited, three parts terrified, five parts grateful, and ten parts if-you-touch-me-or-point-me-out-I-will-be-forced-to-cut-a-mofo. Honestly, I have been beyond blessed by the fandom. With every wank or fail that comes my way, even more win comes with it. It's worth it and I'm very excited to participate in such a humbling and totally undeserved event created for the sake of propelling our very worthy cause. This fandom is so full of wonderful and talented and sweet, intelligent people that I cannot wait to meet. I lubbies you all!

But seriously.

No hugging, mkay?"

- AngstGoddess003

turn-out (although I have no idea how many people are coming). Having said that, I think it is the perfect size for us this year. My hope is that it feels like a bunch of like-minded folks sitting around a room talking about something we all spend more time thinking about than we’d ever let on outside that room or on our computers.

Please note this from the ComicCon website:

“All event and program rooms have limited capacity as set by the Fire Marshal. Even though a badge is needed to get into all events, it does not guarantee access to any event if the venue has reached its capacity limit. Rooms are not cleared between events. If an event or program interests you, we recommend you get there early.”

There is no one in the room before us on Saturday. Having said that, 100 seats fill quickly. We hope everyone who really wants to come gets to be there.

If you plan on coming, please bring questions or thoughts on the stories, the authors, and the TwiFic world in general. After it’s all over, please send me feedback to let me know what you thought, what worked, and what didn’t. I truly hope that we can do this for years to come, and want everyone to feel ownership over the event.

We can hardly wait; we are, after all, just a reverberating circuit of shrieking fans, more excited to meet other authors than we can possibly articulate. Even if you can’t meet us there this year, we plan to take the entire community with us in spirit and represent the fandom with the appropriate mixture of credible writing and inappropriate joking. Do you trust us?

xo

LolaShoes

---

And now, a letter from our resident Robsessed grumpykins:

Dear Rob FanGirls,

Yes, you. You know who you are. The ones that scream and screech when someone says Rob or Edward or Robward. You. I have some words for you.

Stop screaming, chasing, yelling or harassing him in any way, shape or form.

I’m serious.

See FanGirls, you are young and do not realize the damage you are doing. I know you think this is the best way for you to lure him to you. To distinguish yourself from the others - that by shrieking his name really, REALLY loudly he will see you, look in your eyes and declare you the love of his life. Right? This is the plan?

Or maybe it’s the fact that once you see him in person you completely lose all sense of yourself and become an idiot. I believe this. My BFF did this last week at the TwiTour in Atlanta when Peter F walked past us to go to the bathroom. She went from normal woman to complete and utter FanGirl in mere seconds.

What did I do? I laughed at her so hard that I almost died. I did. I almost died. Well, after I stopped swooning over his gorgeous self. Because really, he is more beautiful in person than you could ever imagine.

So back to the damage. Do you know Johnny Depp? Sure you do. Pirates, Willy Wonka? Sadly I am older than most of you and I remember him when he was Rob’s age. Maybe younger. He was famous. And young, and had crazy awesome hair and pouty perfect lips. He smoked and was elusive and played guitar. He was amazing. Then you know what happened? He turned wild, hooking up with leading ladies, and only worked on artsy films. Then he wised up, ran to France and married some model but only after hiding out for a few years in an effort to escape the FanGirls.

Yes, the screaming, hysterical FanGirls turned him French. And you know what else? I bet you that model didn’t scream in his face the minute she met him. Yeah she probably had an inner squee but kept it all on the down low, and THAT is how she snagged JD.

So, ladies and girls, we are going to ComicCon next week. Please let’s remember that we all love Rob. We all want to hear his beautiful voice. What I don’t want to hear is YOUR voice screeching in my ear. Because look. IF we get in to see the panel, IF we are blessed to breathe the same air as Rob I REALLY want to be able to hear what he says. I do. I want to hear every single word that comes out of that angel’s mouth and pray that he drops the F-bomb so I can replay it in my head over and over again.

Soooo, please, please, please do me a favor. Scream while you’re in line. Scream after it’s over. Scream into your pillow at the hotel later with your friends. But don’t do it in the auditorium. PLEASE!? Because first of all he has made it very clear that it scares him - he doesn’t like it. And I swear he is one shriek from hopping on a plane and moving to Thailand where he will get involved with harder drugs and stop bathing entirely and shave his head and then become a monk and never be in a movie again and one day I will turn on VH-1 and it will be “Where are they now?” and he will just not be anywhere good. And it will be your fault.

Sincerely,
Angel